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"fire thought she'd really rather be water instead"
Thursday, 21 July 2005
This is cooling faster than I can.....
I'm scared.....I don't want to have cancer...I don't want to be terminally ill....I'm am awaiting the blood test results from my doctor. My symptoms are getting worse. I can't eat anything! I had four bites of yogurt today, and threw up....My body is rejecting everything. I talked to my doctor, and putting the pieces of the puzzle together, it looks like all my struggles to overcome this stupid eating disorder are really the fault of some other problem. I'm nervous. I don't want to know what's going on with my body, and at the same time, I do....

But I got a job playing piano full time! YAY! I guess there are some highlights to my life. Steven is still being cold. I have refused to speak to him. I will NOT fuel his anger. THe only things he could possibly have to say are spiteful, accusing--and if he needs to blame the wreck of his life on someone, fine--but I WILL not facilitate that sort of victimization. I understand we all deal with pain differently, but anger and aggression is so unnecessary and immature. I won't put myself in another position for him to take my power--ever again. Maybe in time, when he's calmed down a bit, I could talk to him...But what's the point? He's obviously not who I thought...not who HE thought...

I've got the most awesome version of "father Lucifer" playing right now...wow...

Well, I'm back to work, yuck!

Posted by poetry/neverforever at 11:20 AM MDT
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