Journey to the Center of a Sucky Game
The other day I was at a Target, and I noticed a box for the game "Journey to the Center of the Earth". I was ecstatic. I'm a big fan of Jules Verne, H.G. Wells and the like. So making a point-and-click game out of a classic by Verne? Seemed perfect.
Come closer, and I shall tell you the tale of one of the worst games I've ever played.
Part 1: The Volcano
So you start out on a helicopter landing on a volcanic island, taking pictures. A rockslide smashes your helicopter and now you're stuck. Ariane, your character, doesn't seem fazed. She says, "my god, I hope the pilot isn't hurt!" and then you take over. You have to read the box to find out why your character was there: she's a photojournalist taking pictures of a volcano in Iceland. Now that's cool because in the book the explorers went down a volcano in Iceland. Cherish this reference; it's one of the few things that actually follows the book.
You'd think that she would check it out right away; I mean the vehicle the guy was in just got totaled by a rockfall. But it turns out Ariane really doesn't give jack about the pilot, because instead of rushing over to check on him, she just stands there. And cleans her sleeve. When you, the user, decides to check on the pilot Ariane gives you this gem of explanation:
That's right, "The helicopter door is closed". Appearently, Ariane can't be bothered to open a simple door? So what if it's closed, just open it stupid! So I figure, well the pilot's irretrievably dead, or I need something, so let's check out the surroundings? There's not much else to check out, just a view overlooking the ocean and a blocked cave.
This is what Ariane says when I click on the blocked cave:
"There might be a way out over there?" That's right Ariane, there might be a way out of a volcanic island through a cave. The cave is going to tunnel all the way to Iceland's mainland. In fact, there a nice bed-and-breakfast waiting for you on the other side, why don't you hurry up or you'll miss your reservation? Seriously, that was the stupidest suggestion ever. Besides, the first rule of getting lost is to stay put. Don't go exploring a cave if you don't need to.
There's also an icy area that gives me this cryptic message:
"Looks like it's slipping." What's slipping? What is "it"? After taking a guess, I figured it means Ariane's grip on reality. It probably means that the landscape is too slippery to traverse, but the translation is so bad, I'm not really sure. That's one of the worst things about starting this game, understanding the translation is so difficult to get past, that it's almost not worth continuing playing. At any rate, I can't do anything at that spot.
So by now, I haven't been able to do anything and I'm wondering if something is wrong with my mouse. Every time I try to click on something, it just gives me a lousy description instead of performing an action. Back-clicking (right-clicking for most of you, but I use a left-handed mouse or my Wacom tablet as a mouse) just brings up your inventory.
Well, apparently you're supposed to take the helicopter's blade and use it like a crowbar and pry open the door. So, why did they say, "The helicopter door is closed"? Why couldn't they have said something like, "It's jammed shut! I need something to pry it open with." Something that would have given me some sort of clue, or at least a better explanation. But no, the writers were just lazy-tars giving you the most minimal line possible.
So once you get in, there's no sign of the pilot. Where the hell did he go? But it doesn't matter because Ariane doesn't care. She just decides to raid the place of the most random things she can. Take a look at this picture, what do you think is important?
Rollover the image to see the answers. So you take the first aid kit, the knife, the laptop, the satchel. Now this one's really odd. You have to use the knife to get the wires protruding from the electric box, which is random as hell and obviously a cheap puzzle ploy. BUT you can't take the huge flashlight. Wouldn't you want a flashlight if you've already established you're going to in a cave? I guess that would just make a little too much sense.
Another thing, you have to use a screwdriver from the satchel to get the first aid kit, but once you use the screwdriver it disappears. So… I guess you won't need it again? Shouldn't you keep it just in case? If you're taking the random wires, surely you should keep a screwdriver. A sign of a poorly designed PAC.
After sending an SOS via my laptop (I guess the helicopter has wi-fi?), I go back to the cave and pry open the rock, wooo! As I try to venture into the cave, I get this stupid comment from Ariane:
"It's so dark in here…" No duh. It's a frickin' cave. It's supposed to be dark. And if you're so worried about the dark, why the hell didn't you take the powerful flashlight in the helicopter? I guess that's too fancy for her, all the light we need is from a lighter.