Les Miserables Filk

Authorís Note: Fulfilling both my love of filking and my masochistic tendencies, I give you the first four seasons of ďHercules: The Legendary JourneysĒ set to the soundtrack of ďLes MiserablesĒ. I own the rights to neither the show nor the musical, just combining them in a slightly warped way for a little harmless, nonprofit fun. Comments always welcome.




Look down, look down
With evil peacock eyes
Look down, look down
As his whole family dies




VALJEAN ARRESTED/VALJEAN FORGIVEN

Hercules:
They are all gone now, Iolaus
Cause of Heraís vengeful wrath
Zeus did nothing here to stop her
My life takes a different path.
I am doomed to live in loneliness
Heraís cursed me with this plight
I must destroy all her temples...

Iolaus:
That is right.
But my friend, donít be so hasty
In your grieving state of mind
You forget I am your partner
Would you leave me here behind?

So Herc doesnít want me with him
That stings a bit, itís true
But I understand heís hurting
So, Lycus, Iíll go with you

I have resisted many women
And I had a foolproof plan
But the She-Demon was crafty
And made a statue of this man

But Herc had gotten past his anger
And let his heart now be his guide
He made short work of the monster
And brought me back from the Other Side!




WHAT HAVE I DONE?

Iolaus:
What have I done?
By Zeus, what have I done?
Become a captive in ropes
Become a dog on the run
A simple trip to the games
A short journey to Thrace
But it all went so wrong
When I tried to save face
There on the bridge, saving my hide
He thought he was helping but he wounded my pride

This was the only way to go
We made a bet Iíd prove it was so
That hundred dinars will never be won
From a pit so deep that I canít see the sun
I just wanted to one-up olí Herc
Now I have to escape from these jerks

Yet what would happen to this girl
If pride had not led me this way?
Those men would surely have hurt her
But I got her free
With tricks of old hunters
She was in search of Hercules
What else is new?
I promised I would keep her safe
Iíll show her Iím a hero, too

Nemesis:
I am justice, divine
There is nowhere to hide
Hera has decreed it
Iolaus dies for his pride!

Hercules:
I hear the sounds of the attack
I want to be there at his back
But not because I do not trust him
Itís only concern, due to how much I love him
And though it burns me to my soul
Iíll stand aside
If itís the only way to ensure
Heraís command will be denied

Nemesis:
I am a servant, not a slave
I have the right to take a stand
I refuse to take the life
Of such a brave and noble man
He and Herc are quite a pair
More like brothers than mere friends
I will leave them to their lives
But I hope we meet again!




AT THE END OF THE DAY

Iolaus:
Standing in freedomís way is a group of rude bandits
And theyíre not taking the hint that they need to back down
Not a fair fight, two to six
Yes they think they can take us out easy
Before long they are strewn
All over the ground
Donít we at least get a thank you?

Standing in freedomís way is this same trouble magnet
But sheís a woman in need so what else can we do?
I donít mind fixing her wagon
Thatís a real sad story sheís telling
And now Herc is vowing to help
Her husband, too
For the sake of their child

Standing in freedomís way is my short sighted partner
I canít get him to see heís not thinking this through
He doesnít have much of a plan
Cept to get both of us thrown in prison
The jailer leaves his brand
On my nose when his angerís arisen
And itís really not my day
With our freedom at bay

Leutis:
Standing in freedomís way is a meaningless number
Rotting here in this cell til the end of your days
To Menus Maxius, we are slaves
And now Postera wants to see blood

Bellicus:
Itís time for the next game
Come on new slave

Hercules:
No, Iím not going to kill him

Bellicus:
Have you seen how Postera is fuming today
With her outlandish clothes and her manicured hands?
Itís because our new slave wonít give her her way
Take a look at his flayed back where my lashes land

Leutis:
Standing in freedomís way is an inhumane system
Iíll take Gladiusí place and make a stand
We are not slaves, we have rights
I believe in the words of the new guy
We are finished with these fights
Turkos will not be the next to die
I am throwing down my knife
I will not take his life

Postera:
And now there will be no more choices before you
My rebellious slave, take your last bow
All hear this, these games will continue
You men will keep fighting
Guards, kill them both now

Hercules:
What are these men doing up here?
Iíll steal a sword and cut them down
You will give them proper burial

Iolaus:
Now come on, Herc, letís bust out
These guys are hopeless as a cause
They forget what freedom is about

Hercules:
Then we must remind them what itís like
On the outside where theyíre free

Bellicus:
Now your friend will come with me!

Postera:
Standing in freedomís way
Is one final showdown
And you both will comply
Because look who weíve found
If you wonít fight, then I swear
The new slaveís friend dies while he watches
And Felicita will be earning her keep
Sleeping around
And your son becomes mine, too

Hercules:
Yes, itís true that your wife
And your child are in danger
But if we stick to the plan we can end this once and for all
Now weíll release all the rest of the men
To battle the guards
This regime will fall

Prisoners:
Standing in freedomís way
Are these posturing baboons
And thereís trouble for all
When we fight them as one
Weíre not animals killing for sport
Itís time to take back our freedom
These fat cats will pay
And together we will defeat Ďem
They will not get away
Weíre in freedomís way

Hercules:
I might have known youíd try to run
But this is ending here and now
Youíd better call off all your soldiers
But no my victorious friends
Itís time for the bloodshed to end
This man is going to set you free
Or he will answer hard to me

Iolaus:
So get to walking that long mile
And have a great time in exile!

Felicita:
Hail to Hercules who champions free men

Gladius:
He gave me my life and my family again

Iolaus:
Nothing stands in your freedomís way

Prisoners:
We are free today!

Hercules:
Right, Iolaus. On our way...




I DREAMED A DREAM

Xena:
There was a time when I was queen
When all of Greece
Was mine for the taking
I was the fiercest theyíd ever seen
And the world was helpless
Against the war I was making
There was a time
When it all felt wrong

My heart was hard and full of rage
My soul was shroud
With blind ambition
There was a battle to be waged
A hero dead, that was my mission
He was strong and unafraid
He vowed to love and stand beside me
But my commands he disobeyed
To Hercules
He gave his loyalty

Then the mutiny came at night
For my life I ran the gauntlet
My whole world had come apart
But Hercís head would get it back

How he turned me to his side
Is something Iíll forever wonder
He saw the good I tried to hide
And made me face my evil past

I never dreamed Iíd ever see
The day they offered me forgiveness
But Iolaus is all nobility
And Herculesí real strength is kindness
Though it is time for us to part
My new friends are ones Iíll treasure
And now Iím off for a new start
For they have both
Unchained my heart




LOVELY LADIES

Iolaus:
Here comes trouble
Raising the alarm
Anything is good in place of working on the farm
Stolen bodies
This is not a game
But we both vow to find out the culprit thatís to blame
All in memory of the late kingís name

Hercules:
Brother, Sister
I canít believe itís true
These are not the same two kids that years ago I knew
Waging battle
Not like them at all
Iíve got to put a stop to this before this city falls
To Poena Iíve got to pay a call

Mercenary 1:
Letís go, my friend
Itís time to decide our lot
Rock, parchment, dagger

Mercenary 2:
Daulin! Weíll fight for his side.

Hercules:
Excuse me, guys

Mercenary 1:
You scared the crap out of us

Hercules:
I just want to know if youíve seen anything odd out here tonight

Mercenary 2:
What do you mean?

Mercenary 1:
Iím stuck with him.

Hercules:
You guys be safe

Mercenary 2:
I have a thought
With Hercules weíll cast our lot

Hercules:
Somethingís out there
Waiting in the dark
Feasting on the bodies and I see heís left his mark
My old friends
Are not prepared to hear
That their war is groundless and thereís bigger things to fear
They canít see that dangerís drawing near

Iolaus:
What nonsense is this
Why did I say Iíd assist
Youíre just a kid, you donít belong in a war
You should go home

Krytus:
Just help me - teach me to fight

Iolaus:
Iím telling you straight, you need to see to your mom
Hercíd say the same

Krytus:
I want to fight

Iolaus:
Hercíd say the same

Daulin:
What can I do? We have to act
Before my whole city is sacked

Iolaus:
Come on, Daulin
Donít go round the bend
Hercules would kiss Hera before heíd screw a friend
There goes Krytus
Joining with the band
I need to find my partner before things get out of hand
Getting captured is not quite what I planned

Hercules:
Call off the troops, Iolaus is with me

Iolaus:
Whatís with you, why the heck did you flee?

Jarton:
What do you mean, Iíve been here all night long

Hercules:
Come on my friend, I donít believe you are wrong
Somethingís out there, I am not alone here
Somethingís out there

Jarton:
Yes my friend, the worst is true
Iím but a ghost here in front of you
My body stolen by Ares a few months before
Tricked the kids, made them start this war
Now Hercules you must end his ride
So we can cross to the other side

Hercules:
Whereís Iolaus?
Tied up in a cave.
Yes I know that, it is a trap, but my friendís life Iíll save
Ares, Graegus
Real pains in my butt
Iíll deal with my half brother once I muzzle up his mutt
Come on buddy, weíve got a war to stunt

Fallen soldiers
Coming here tonight
They all speak the truth
So now you must call off this fight

Daulin & Poena:
Come on, people
Throw down all your steel
We should have trusted Hercules to tell us what was real

Hercules:
Take off, Ares
Your scheme here is done
Just as long as these kids love, then war there will be none
Be at rest friends and peace be with you each and every one!




WHO AM I?

Autolycus:
They think they can catch me
But I take a different stance
That stranger who bailed me out
This man could be my chance
Why should I save his hide
I saw the way he fought
He can take those soldiers
He surely wonít be caught

But I find I am pursued
By a demigod in a bad mood

I am the hero to hundreds of peasants
They all look to me
How can I inspire them, how can they love me
If I am not free?
If I go back, I am condemned
If I keep running, I am damned!

Who am I?
Can I condemn this man to certain death
Knowing heís about to take his final breath

Hercules will not give in
A constant reminder of my sin
Who am I?

Will my conscience ever cease to nag
About leaving him there to hold the bag

And is this jewel inside my belt
Worth all the guilt that I have felt
He saved my life
How can my freedom I gladly take
As Hercules faces the giant snake

I became a thief out of a need
To avenge my brother of anotherís greed
I may rob and I may steal
But that doesnít mean I canít feel

Who am I?
Who am I?
Autolycus!

And so dear king, you see it's true,
Iolaus bears no more guilt than you!
Who am I?
I am the King of Thieves!




COME TO ME

Alcmene:
My son, you should not fret
Over a fake imposter

Hercules:
But I canít let my name
Be linked with one so bad

Iphicles, brother, you are not thinking
Donít you see, you canít continue lying
Come with me, and help me save Iolaus
Together we can make a stand by overthrowing Gorgus

Iphicles:
Rena, dear, I never meant to hurt you
Donít you say thereís nothing that I can do

Hercules:
Heís my brother, give him another chance
He may have lied about his name but not with your romance

Iolaus:
Hercules, I will be forced to eat
Rat Tartar, if you donít get me out

Pallaeus:
Look, you men, itís the real Hercules

Gorgus:
Say hello, and now say goodbye

Pallaeus:
My Rena...

Iphicles:
Shall not fall in your clutches

Pallaeus:
The mandrake..

Iolaus:
Is no match for Hercules

Hercules:
Question is, what do we do with Gorgus?

Josephus & villagers:
Weíll overthrow this evil man
And freedom comes to Phlegra

Rena:
Iphicles, you are the man I do love

Iphicles:
Then I will take you home

Alcmene:
Bride to be? My dear, you are quite welcome

Iphicles:
We wonít stay away so long

Hercules:
Family is, always sooner or later
And get in here Iolaus
For you are our family, too.




CONFRONTATION

Goth:
This town is ours
Take anything you wish
As for myself
I like this lovely dish

Iolaus:
Before you hurt another soul, warlord
Weíll take you back to Athens for trial of war crimes
You killed my friend, this is something I must do
But with archers and hounds chasing hot on our heels
The Athenian army can intercede
To find the fort, that is all we need
Then weíll be safe, a job well done
Then weíll be safe

Goth:
You both are mad!
Your fortís deserted, your army gone
My brother Bledar will have your heads
Heroes, you are through

Goth (in counterpoint)
Men like me can never lose
Men like you can only lose
I will dine on your livers
My brotherís come for me
You have no chance
Against such strong barbarians
I will make the history books
When you both hang from two meat hooks
Come on now sweet Elora
Go back up and get a knife
Once Iím free and they are dead
I will take you for my wife
Youíre defeated, Hercules
Here comes the great Titantus
But before I join my men
I will kill your little friend

Iolaus (in counterpoint)
Charidon and the girl
We have a duty to protect them, too
We will have to make a stand
Make this fort look fully manned
We thought they would not attack
Good thing we could beat them back
But now we have a new hitch in the plan
I am serious, Hercules
I'm the sneakier man by far
I can slip right past their lines
And sabotage that thing
I tried to tell you Hercules
There is nothing I won't dare
Ok, so I did get caught
But with Goth Iíll get my shot

Hercules:
Now I suggest you sound retreat

Bledar:
There is no place for you to hide

Hercules:
Before you die right where you stand

Bledar:
You forget our catapult

Hercules:
And I will raze it to the ground

Hercules and Iolaus:
Now to Athens, with Goth in chains




CASTLE ON A CLOUD

Hades:
There is a young man in a jam
He came to me on his wedding night
Youíve got three days to make it right
And bring back the rightful guilty man

Iolaus:
Itís gonna be one of those trips
Now the kid materializes
Sisyphus wants not to die
So he sent us the wrong guy

Timeron:
There is my lady sad with grief
But in our love she does believe

Hercules:
The king is sly and heís full of tricks
But, Sisyphus, here comes the River Styx

Hades:
Tartarus now for the king
Elysian Fields for Timeron
But Iím not blinded to his plight
Letís give these kids their wedding night




MASTER OF THE HOUSE

Typhon:
You down below
Say if you donít mind
Please donít throw rocks or treat me unkind

All of the rest
Called me cruel names
Iím not a bad guy
But Heraís to blame

Hercules:
Well, my friend, you see
Hera canít scare me
So let me break this rock
And Iíll set you free

Typhon:
Giant on the loose
Back into the groove
Maybe not so graceful
But Iím free to move

Hercules:
Here we are in Plinth
Quiet little town
At least it will be when we calm them down

Please just do my friend a favor
Heís really a gentle soul
Heíll entertain the children
While I make your village whole

Maceus:
Friend of Hercules
Loosen up his tongue
My deadly finger torture
And his song is sung

Letís get on the road
Hercules is mine
Smart ass has escaped us
But look hereís Heraís sign

Hellespont is not his path now
Herculesí buddy lied
Weíll kill them both in Plinth
For my brotherís trip to the other side

Iolaus:
Hercules, my friend
Troubleís on the way
Let me catch some air
And then Iíll join the fray

Hercules:
I donít know what you did
To bring down so much heat
Left hook here, right jab there
Oops, a giantís feet

Crowd:
Everybody look at them run
Hail Hercules and his friend

Maceus:
But with the help of Hera
We will be triumphant in the end

Hercules:
Hello, my friend
Lost in a dream
I know that look
You have loveís gleam

Iolaus:
Breannaís the best
If I can say
She seems to take
My problems away

Hercules:
Wish I could say the same
Typhon needs to know
That I am the one to blame
For his familyís woe

Kids dead by my hand
Wife sealed in her lair
The news is just too much
For Typhon to bear

Iolaus:
He didnít have a choice
I swear to you itís true

Typhon:
I canít hear anymore
So just shut up, you

Hercules:
Iolaus has had a tough week
But I think heíll be all right
Reasonably speaking
I donít think heís ready for a fight

Iolaus:
I donít think so, Herc
Going without me
Is not quite the option you imagine it to be

So Iím a big mess
It is just my turn
And maybe one of these days we will chance to learn
Why we only stand against her
When one of us is worse for wear
Give me just a minute
Before we get far in it
A goodbye kiss for the maiden fair

Echidna and Typhon
What a crazy pair
Surely sheís still mad about being
Trapped in her lair

Hercules:
I donít think she forgot
What will Typhon do?
Maceus and his men
Will be waiting, too

Iolaus:
Iíll take care of these morons
You turn Typhon to our side

Maceus:
Echidna is waiting
Kill them - Hera will not be denied

Echidna:
I used to dream
Of killing Hercules
Itís what he deserves
For murdering my babies

Mighty son of Zeus
Caused me so much pain
Champion, crusader
But itís all in vain

A cunning little man
To seduce his mom
He pretends to love her
But he brings her harm

What a cruel trick of the Fates
Trapped me up in this lair
They might have won their freedom
But my vengeance will be felt, I swear

Hercules:
Echidna, youíre all wrong

Echidna:
Iíll break you in half

Hercules:
Donít be Heraís pawn

Echidna:
Now youíll feel my wrath

Typhon:
Honey, now Iím home
Stop your evil ways

Echidna:
And just where the heck have you been all these days?

Typhon:
Hercules is not the enemy
Hera is the one to blame

Hercules:
Iolaus, our work is done

Iolaus:
And Iíve got the urge to run

Hercules and Iolaus:
We donít want to see where sheís putting those tentacles




WALTZ OF TREACHERY

Trachis:
Man of peace, claims Amphion
But look now at the crime he has done
Killed them both, in cold blood
Sentenced to death is what I have judged

Hercules:
How can you not defend?
I will not let you come to this end

Iolaus:
Dear Leah, come to aid
And I have feelings for her Iím afraid
To Hestia, she belongs
So what Iím fantasizing is wrong
What can I do, Hercules?

Hercules:
Your feelings are not helping, friend
But I will ease your troubled soul
You must seek out a river thatís freezing cold
And your libido will be on hold

Iolaus:
Now weíve found the right cave
But our situation turns grave
Hercules, save us please
Do your thing with that big Minotaur
Now that we have found the sword
My true love for sweet Leah outpoured

Leah:
By the way, Iíve put you on
I am betrothed unto Amphion
Iolaus, donít be mad

Iolaus:
At least I wonít burn for those feelings I had

Hercules:
Trachis, stop! Look at me
Here is the Sword of Veracity
Tell the truth about your plan
You are framing an innocent man

Amphion:
Thank you both for your aid
And my thanks to that magical blade




LOOK DOWN

Hera:
Stand down and be a mortal not a god
Stand down because you disobeyed command
Stand down and see the one who has your job
Stand down, stand down, go wander through the land

Iolaus:
How do you do? My name's Iolaus
We need to help out, so says Herc
Nothing against it, itís no fun
But for a girl I love to work

This is a shock, to meet the Nemesis
A former love of Hercules
Itís hard to think I once was on her list
But with her charm, she did appease
Hercís uptight
And pent up
Go hook up, go hook up!

Gnatius:
Knock down, and I will pilfer what I can
Knock down, knock down, Iíll rob my fellow man

Hercules:
I donít want to scare
Cautionís what you need
Thereís a creature on the loose
Who packs a wicked punch

Enforcer:
Listen Hercules
Hera says to kill
So Iíll sweep you off your feet
And your skull I will crunch

Hercules:
I wonít fight a girl
But on second thought
You are going off the cliff
And down there you can rot

Gnattius:
Just my rotten luck
Partner out to sea
But she came back by Hera
And threw me up into a tree

Nemesis:
Friends is not enough
You wonít be lonely
This has been a real fun day but come away with me
For the night, for the night, for the night, for the night....

Enforcer:
Where is the mighty son of Zeus?
Where is the one called Hercules?

Iolaus:
He isnít here and I can say
First you will have to go through me

Hercules:
This will be hard to win
But my friend comes first
She has water Ďneath her skin
But I will make her burst

Nemesis:
Unless I get there first
Get there first, get there first, get there first

Enforcer:
Hera is boss and telling me
That I must kill you, Hercules

Hercules:
She wonít dare say that to my face
How long before her rage does ease?
Before I lose my life unto her hate
Her creature Iíll evaporate

Hera:
Look down, look down with evil peacock eyes
One day, I vow, the son of Zeus will die




STARS

Jason:
There, out in the darkness
A demon is coming
Sent by the gods
Sent for my sin
Medea went senseless
She killed my poor Glauce
And our innocent kids
And our innocent kids

Because of my wandering eye
The gods have targeted me
And I am doomed for bringing about the deaths
Of my family

And I will fall
To demonís wrath
His strength
His sword

King
I was once a great
Governed my people
Replacing chaos
With order and light

But I am now broken
From grief and wine
My rule slipped to the side
My rule slipped to the side

But if I can get back the fleece
I can find the man I used to be
And see that my demon
Is just flesh and blood
Just a man such as me

And I will fight to reclaim my rule
And save my name

And now I have won
Castor is vanquished
My own demons have been cast out
Both real and the haunts I created
To torment myself

Though I may still grieve
Now I have found peace
King Jason is back
With the loyal help
Of friends, who I toast
All raise a glass to heroes!




RED AND BLACK

Iolaus:
The lightening storm
Has minutes left to go
A pretty girl is coming on a horse

People riding in these things
Flying rigs with metal wings
Buildings reaching up so tall
Herc, now I can see it all!

Hercules:
Iolaus, my friend
Calm down, youíre babbling like a crazy fool
That lightening strike...
I fear what that charge has done to you!

Rhianna:
I am searching for the champion Hercules
My people need help under King Melkosí rule
Oh, I donít want revenge for my dear husbandís death
We just want to be free from a tyrant so cruel

Hercules:
Weíll go with you
To rally the people
To call them to arms
To help stage a coup!

Iolaus:
Hercules, my friend
I hate to say
Iíve got bad news to give to you
I see you losing much money

Hercules:
Money, you say? You must be soused
You know Iím poorer than a church mouse
What happened in that lightening strike?

Iolaus:
I am not nuts
Iím speaking true
The future is within my view
Prophecy is what I have got
I swear Iím feeling quite all right
But there will be no rest tonight
Youíre in the cowís fav-or-ite spot

Rhianna:
It is time for us all
To rally for the cause
As we fight for the right
To end the tyranny now
The kingís shipment of gold
Is the price he will pay
As we reclaim our tax
And swat his men away
And our reputation
Is growing
Day by day

Trap - a traitor in our midst
Dead - my brother lost to me
Doubt - my strength begins to fade
Hope - in the name of Hercules

Hercules:
Though the timing is wrong we both know how we feel
The guilt of the widowed will fade when the moment is right
What we have we can keep while we fight for the cause
Our rebellion betrayed and we are thrown in jail
But no one can cage me
And I will set us all free

Go - weíll fight our way outside

Iolaus:
Now - itís time to take the dive

Rhianna:
Come - I know where we can hide

Mirim:
Here - your husband is alive!

Iolaus:
Hercules, Iím so sorry for you
I know you had feelings for her
This really has an unfair sting

Hercules:
Who cares about my lonely soul
We strive towards a larger goal
Letís help these guys depose the king

Jordis:
Won - the king is in exile

Hercules:
Bye - time to make some tracks

Iolaus:
Hit - Visions gone for good

Hercules:
Glad - the old Iolaus is back!




DO YOU HEAR THE PEOPLE SING

Iolaus:
Do you see me on this board?
Riding some wood upon a wave
I swear on my blue speedo thingy
This is going to be a craze
I feel the beach is calling me
So I will stay to fish and bronze
Herc can go off to referee
And Iíll be along

Aphrodite:
Will you join in our contest?
Which of us has the most beauty?

Artemis:
The worldís greatest warrior
Youíll be if you will just pick me

Athena:
Or give me your vote
And your wisdom will make history

Iolaus:
Could I be more of a dupe?
Falling for Aphroditeís line
It is the curse of a romantic
My heart gets me every time
On this apple Iíd have passed
If I had the foresight to see
That the spell I heedlessly cast
On the bride to be

Hercules:
Will you give them all a break?
What happened was the work of gods
Aphrodite will have her take
If she can just keep you guys at odds

Sidon/Diadorus:
The blood will be flowing
Weíll litter the shore with these clods!

Hercules:
Do you see these kids in love?
Nothing can tear these two apart
And with the apple Iíll make sure
Their dads are now of one heart
Now that Diteís game is through
I think our work here is complete
But I hope that the wedding feast
Has no apples to eat!




IN MY LIFE

Iolaus:
Big surprise, yet another thatís never heard of me
And Herc, giving up our vacation for charity
Whatís the matter with you, Iolaus?
Youíll be just fine on your own.
With family in Attica
But their locationís unknown

Then my life
Was almost snuffed out by a guy who looks exactly like me
In her life
My great granny always loved Attica for reasons I can now see
And though he is a drunk he is my family
Glad I came, just to meet my new cousin, Orestes

Thank the gods heís alive
But heís out like a stone
These guys canít be for real
They want me on the throne

In my life
Iíve always wondered what it would be like to be king for a day
Iíll be he, Iíll be he

Hector:
Iolaus
You must speak perfectly
And on time, late we just cannot be
Or the prince will take up in your place
And if you make mistakes
Beheading is Zeusís penalty

Iolaus:
Oh wonderful, now you tell me

So I tripped on my robe
And I needed some cues
And I had to swear oath
To that old codger Zeus

But despite all of that
Here I am now, the king
I admit this is cool
But I donít want a wedding

Sheís here, I have to ďI doĒ
Or our ruse will be through

My new wife
Is a vision of grace
She is lovely and glowing and tall
But she hates Orestes
So much that an attempted kiss got me a knee in the balls

Hector:
Weíre in deep
Orestes, heís been taken away
Iolaus
Our king youíre going to have to stay

Niobe:
In my life
I was resigned to life without love
But this man is not
The lout all the stories speak of

Iolaus:
I will fight
To rescue my cousin, beat them all, save the king
Itís whatís right

Hector:
In my life
You have been the best sovereign I have served
The honor was mine

Orestes:
And you healed our kingdom

Niobe:
What we had is now over
But for you I will always pine

Hercules:
Iolaus
Well, my friend, what has happened here?
It can wait, for that crazy maiden is now drawing near!
And she is determined that I be her husband

Iolaus:
Never fear, Hercules, I can handle this one
Get a life
I command that you return home now
Hercules, know this much
Youíve never seen my royal touch

Iolaus and Niobe:
In my life
There is someone who touches my life

Iolaus:
Waiting near

Niobe:
Waiting here




A HEART FULL OF LOVE

Iolaus:
A world without love
We will not last long
Aphrodite, this is all wrong
Oh goddess yield
Iíve got a week off to play the field
And how did I
Get to be
Your trainer guy?

Aphrodite:
Iím maxed out on love
I fear, hunting sucks

Iolaus:
I hear some trouble up ahead

Aphrodite:
Good bye, good luck

Iolaus:
You know, thereís something strange afoot

Aphrodite:
I donít like books

Iolaus:
Iíve got work

Aphrodite:
Iíll be Herc!

Iolaus:
It all now makes sense

Aphrodite:
I want to mix it up

Iolaus:
Leandra is my grandmother
There was a curse

Hephaestus:
I made her village go away

Iolaus:
Dad escaped
Her, Iíll save

Aphrodite and Hephaestus: (in counterpoint)
Dite:
You look at me with love

Heph:
Itís always been you

Dite:
I saw the bust and then I knew

Heph:
It is a dream

Dite:
You are cute

Heph:
I love you

Dite and Heph:
Yes it is just a dream
But sometimes
They come true!

Leandra: (In counterpoint)
Though my son is lost to me
Part of him will still live on

A finer man there could not be

Iolaus

Courageous

Iím so proud

My heart full of love

For my grandson, my hero




PLUMET ATTACK

Iolaus:
This is the way
Iíve got a song in my heart
The festival is ahead
Whatís going on with that cart?
Everywhere we go!

Hercules:
Bandit attack
Here comes our two man army
We put them down for the count
With our Thermopylae
Weíve laid them low

Iolaus:
You should not fear
The road by large
Weíll get you both there
And free of charge

Hercules:
Iíve got this one
Go on ahead

Styros:
Look out above!

Hercules:
I lost my memory!

Lonius:
Youíre our prince, Milius
Donít you know your own life?
Come on back now to Kastus

Kirin:
Husband, you are home
Your sons wait your return
Five long years have now passed us

Man:
I know this man, I tell you
I met him in Corinth
Heís the mighty son of Zeus
Not an ordinary prince

Iolaus:
I live in fear
Of this girl ape
Thanks to this miss
Iím looking like a grape

Herc needs my help
Iím on the case
Whatís wrong with you?
Come Herc, we must escape

Hercules:
I donít know him, Iím gonna jail him now

Parnassa:
One little rite and youíll be swearing Heraís vow

Kirin:
Iím falling in love
With a good, decent man
I canít let him be enslaved
We need some kind of plan

Parnassa:
Swear allegiance right now!

Hercules:
Well I just can not do it, just can not do it, just can not do it....

Iolaus:
Thatís right, my friend, remember your life
Their gig is up, now we will fight

Hercules:
And here we go, Thermopylae
The queen is dead, and I am free!

Kirin:
I wish you werenít going away
You must return back here someday

Hercules:
Just one thing more, my friend Iolaus
Purple because? You must now say

Iolaus:
Herc youíre a wit
Let me just say
Cause I like it!




ONE DAY MORE

Authorís Note: This one got a little dicey at the end where everyoneís singing at once, but I tried my best...

Hercules:
One more fight
Another inn, another robbery
But then my mother does appear to me
She says she is a bride to be
To Jason, which is news to me
We both fight...

Jason:
I must give up my reign as king
And find another all in three days

Hercules:
Petulant?

Jason and Alcmene:
It does not matter where we live
As long as weíre together always

Iolaus:
One more time Hercís out of line

Jason and Alcmene:
We want Herc to be the king

Iolaus:
One more time with him I reason

Jason and Alcmene:
Though we know itís not his fate

Iolaus:
What an honor Iím assigned

Jason and Alcmene:
But we have a candidate

Iolaus:
To bring back the future king!

Falafel:
One more day before the feast

Jason:
Trouble follows where we go

Falafel:
With ten trays piled high with tacos

Jason:
So we kick some bandit tail

Falafel:
Cake eight feet tall at the least

Jason:
Weíll get married without fail

Falafel:
And salad with marshmallows

All:
The time is now
The place is here

Hercules:
Here we go!

Blue Priest:
It is time for retribution
You will kill them where they stand
I will summon up this monster
Herc will die by Heraís plan

Hercules:
One big fight!

Argonauts:
Watch Ďem run amuck
Hit Ďem til they fall
Donít forget to duck
When thereís a free for all
Here a little kick
There a little punch
All of them are killers
So letís stop this bunch

Various Guests:
We came here to see a wedding
But it all went downhill fast
Iphicles was crowned the king
Iphicles was crowned the king
Then events got real upsetting
Thereís a battle to be won
So weíll fight with all we have

Jason:
That beast ate us
We must get out!

Hercules:
Whereís the spine?

Jason and Alcmene:
Hera can not keep us apart...

Iolaus:
Herc, this is sensational...

Amphion:
I now join you both as married
And your families are tied
May your love always glow brightly
Jason, you may kiss your bride

Hercules:
This is great

Falafel:
But we lost the cake
The punch bowl did fall
Lucky for your sakes
Thereís tacos for us all

Salmoneus:
So Iím late to crash the party
Hope my gift was a big hit
Tell me did I miss anything?

Hercules:
It almost was a tragedy
But things are as theyíre meant to be

All:
We all worked hard to undo
What the goddess Hera had in store
One more win
One more toast
One cheer more!




UPON THESE STONES (BUILDING THE BARRICADE)

Hercules:
So sitting in mud
Is not my dream vacation
In the heart of the city
We find a princess

Iolaus:
And though itís our duty
To escort her home
Zeus! I am out of patience
Before we can leave town

Hercules:
Melissa was betrothed
To keep the peace
Prevent a war
But I feel
Weíve been fleeced
By betrayal

Alexa:
Now our army will fight
I swear this night
They will feel
Our weaponís bite
Me as queen is so right

Hercules:
So Melissa, what do you see?
This suffering, the cost of war

Melissa:
I know this is no place for me
But I am growing up some more

Gordius:
So this is where we both do meet
Oh, Melissa, I am surprised

Melissa:
I see youíre smitten, as am I
Now that I look through opened eyes

Iolaus:
The weaponís dead, now thanks to Herc
Melissa knocked out her sis on sight
Sheís ruling well with Gordius
And best of all, got my name right!

Melissa:
Thanks and sorry
I was a B....




ON MY OWN

Iolaus:
So Herc gets all the props again
Nothing for me, not even Ďthank youí
I donít begrudge it for my friend
I just want to have my own time, too
Iím happy to be here
But Iíll be forgotten, I fear

But then I bolt awake at night
While my friend Hercules is sleeping
I see some stuff and Iím driven by this vision Iím receiving
My hands have both turned red
And I must follow where Iím led

Of my own
This quest was meant just for me
Not alone
Herc walks along beside me
Heís doubting
But I feel peace around me
And I may not understand but this obsession has found me

This is right, the feeling pulls me onward
Heading north, we must keep pushing forward
We get company, two men who both are like me
We all have seen the same big dream and all have the compulsion

Though I know itís the right thing to do
While weíre saving these babies and their mothers
Iím anxious to see this quest on through
Then I see, thereís a tie in here

Our mission
Is now to stop the madness
For the king
Is overrun with badness
Without him
The kids are safe from murder
The queen deposed and now she knows
Her child will not be the heir

I love it
When everything works out right
But I feel
Thereís something more to this night
Look out there
A star is shining its light
This is bigger than anything that we have ever known

Iíll follow
Iíll follow
Iíll follow
This honor of my own




UPON THESE STONES (AT THE BARRICADE)

Iolaus:
Now my cousin is dead and Iím again king
And itís all up to me to make his plan succeed
I know that Xenonís behind the killing
Somehow I must expose his terrible deed
And then thereís Niobe!
The beautiful queen and my late cousinís wife
Who I long to have every day in my life
Our love canít be denied
Though we tried

You in the banquet hall listen to this
Xenon is planning to kill you all now
I have been framed
Letís work as friends
Give up, Xenon, or die

See, Niobe, I still live
But my life I cannot give

Iolaus and Niobe:
Though we love we must now part
Youíll be always in my heart




JAVERT AT THE BARRICADE/LITTLE PEOPLE

Iolaus:
My cousin lost
Out in bandit country
I am stuck with this girl
Who is annoying me
We just wanted shelter

City of love
Is what we fell into
And my cousin we find
Though she canít remember me
And Salís lost his mind

Moira:
You know
If we rescue the little girl
Weíll spoil his game

Iolaus:
Thereís a way to make people listen
Just get them off the lotus

Kamaros:
So you figured out my plan
How I rule over these jerks
They serve me without a word
As I revel in the perks
So I canít let you
Interrupt the works

Iolaus:
Liar!
Good evening, butcher Karkis
I know your seal, you see
I know this man, my friends
A killer from Thessaly
So donít believe a word he says
Cause none of itís true
As for your child god
Sheís just a mortal like you

You see I fooled you with
A little Eastern trick
I wore your blue silk jammies
But I was faking it
You may have hit ďdestructĒ
This place is coming down
Iíll fight like twenty armies
And you wonít be found
While we escape to sunlight
Up above the ground




A LITTLE FALL OF RAIN

Iolaus:
Look out now, my friend, Hercules
Enforcer number two
Sheís coming after you
And sheís worse than before

Jason:
Heís gone, that was his final deed

Hercules:
But I canít let him go
The brother of my soul
For him, Iíll make my uncle cede

Hades:
But you will kill the homicidal freak
And I will give you the soul that you seek

Just do it now, before the sun
With Enforcer number one

Hercules:
She was once my enemy
But now sheís on my side
She saved my motherís hide

Enforcer:
I erupted from inside
This deed will wash away my past
And he has called me friend
And now I have a soul
Iíll have a place in Hades at last

Iolaus:
I canít believe that I am now deceased
My hope of life lies now with Hercules
And while Iím here, Iíll talk with Dad
Find that heís not so bad

Iolaus/ Hercules:
Now look whoís back, my friend Hercules/Here I am, Iolaus
There was never any doubt
Youíve come to get me out/Iíve come to get you out
And restore me to life/And restore you to life

Hercules:
Iíve won

Iolaus:
And dad got a reprieve

Iolaus/Hercules:
Heís nicer than I thought/The Enforcer, too
Iím good with my family/Love lives forever

Iolaus:
And now

Hercules:
And now

Iolaus and Hercules:
Weíll hold onto memories




DRINK WITH ME

Hercules:
Can it be there is a world
Just like ours, beyond this plane?

Through the big vortex weíve swapped Ioli
We must make things right before Zeus does die

Ares:
Canít believe Iím god of love

Iolaus:
How am I reduced to this
Costumed fool to that mad man?

He is forcing Dite to be his wife
And with that minx Xena, threatens her life
To stop them, I must kill Herc

I think of the greater good
But the plan soon falls apart

In the midst of fighting, Herc does arrive
All is put to right and Sov is confined
Worth it all, for that cake fight

Iolaus2:
It was strange in that new world, strange to meet this Hercules
Looks just like the Sov but heís a good man
He inspired me to be all I can
A hero, Iíll try to be




BRING HIM HOME

Hercules:
Nemesis
Sheís on the run
She cut out
Leaving behind our son
Iím in shock
But happy
This I vow
Best dad Iíll be
But whatís this?
Heís not mine?
Aresí son?

Iolaus:
We would have helped you anyway
He was so glad to have a son
You broke his heart
Dreams undone

Nemesis:
I know youíre right
I feel sad

Ares:
Give me the kid
I am his dad

Hercules:
He has gifts
He is good
Youíd turn him
Bad if only you could
I wonít let
You have him
To corrupt
On your whim

Evander
Not my son
But I vow
To be here
When you need
Iíll be there




DOG EATS DOG

Hope:
Callisto, youíre free
It will be worthwhile
Align with Ares
And you must release the Sovereign
Get his pendant of hind blood

Callisto:
It does not end there
Strife is first to fall
Hercules is trapped in
The vortex with his twin
Iím off to where it all begins

Iolaus:
Well, someoneís got to stop her scheme, Ares
So send me back in time
And Alcmene Iíll protect
I give my all but still she does succeed
I vow vengeance will be wreaked!

Callisto:
Hereís my family
Tragic history
Saving them from Xena
Takes a really nasty turn
So it is, we all must die

Xena:
I rule all of Greece
There will be no peace
They call me Conqueror
I set the world to burn
My rule no one can defy

Iolaus:
Well, someoneís got to save the world, my friends
Rescue the young Callisto
Stop Xena from her mad reign
The Chronos Stone ensures this terror ends
By sending me back again

This time around I save Alcmene
And hope for us both is restored
But Callistoís waiting
When I return
ĎCause sheís ticked that I saved her from death
I raise my eyes to see the vortex
And then Hercules appears
And tosses the witch in!




JAVERTíS SUICIDE

Hercules:
Who is this girl?
What sort of temptress is she?
To have my head in a whirl
Captured my heart instantly
But sheís serving Ares
Refused to save my best friend
Here for the Hind
To protect her from her end
I found much more
A girl gentle and kind
It all made sense
When she turned into the Hind

Serena:
Damned if Iíll live in the debt of Ares
Damned if Iíll yield to his plan for my life
I am my own and to me I belong
Iíll join with Hercules and be his wife

Ares:
The gods will not allow this union
Unless you both take on mortal form

Iolaus:
How can I now condone this mess
When Hercules is acting blind?
The god of war will always hunt him
He gave up his strength, he is now mortal
I know he is so deep in love
But heís naive
It is my right to not approve
But from his side I wonít be moved

Hercules:
And my thoughts are violent
Can this dream now be true?
Is my wife really dead?
What on earth did I do?

Iolaus:
And must I now begin to doubt
Who never doubted all these years?
My heart knows gods are still behind this
The truth is revealed with help from Xena

Hercules:
And then Zeus restores all my strength
I beat up Strife
But Father turns away from me
Wonít give Serena back her life

I am blameless, but I feel
That the guilt is mine to bear
If I had not loved her so
Serena would still be there
Iíll say farewell to her now
Grieve that we were torn apart
Iíll go on with Iolaus
Hold her always in my heart




TURNING

Nebula:
Did you see them
Dragged off in the dark?
We never saw it coming
But venom left its mark

Hercules:
I have answers
I know what she is
Cursed by Zeus to punish her
For all her evil sins
Sheís Arachne
Monster spider witch

We can use light
Itís her enemy
Iíll go ignite these caves
While you grope on my buddy

Iolaus:
I am hauled off
Cocooned like a rug
Freaked out by that creature
That just burst from Paxonís mug

Arachne:
Have I beauty?

Iolaus:
Sure, I do like bugs

Hercules:
I donít like you, snotty pirate queen
Disregard for a life borders on obscene
But we need you, help me save my friend
Do some good and youíll feel much better in the end
Burning, burning, burning, burning, burning Arachne

Iolaus:
Smashing, smashing, smashing her offspring
The storm has passed, so let us now take wing

Nebula:
Things considered, Herc can have my loot
The journeyís long but Monkeyboy is really cute
And he owes me for saving his butt!




EMPTY CHAIRS AT EMPTY TABLES

Iolaus:
Therés a grief that cańt be spoken
Thereís a pain my failure brings
I could not save that woman
In my guilt, I am drowning

Here I must say goodbye to Herc
I canít live this life any more
I just wanted to forget it
Then I get what I asked for

Donít know why I canít remember
What my lifeís been recently
But I know I have some talents
I know how to please
My lovely female company
And capture the attention
Of the shady guy who runs this town

Oh, Zeno, Zeno, I promise
That you have my loyalty
But thereís one thing that I canít do
Kill this man called Hercules

I save Zeno from certain death
He accepts his reign will end
With the flip of just one dinar
I get my life back again

Oh my friend, my friend, forgive me
For these things that I have done

Hercules:
I will always believe in you
As for guilt, you shall have none




BEGGARS AT THE FEAST

Hercules:
Itís not a laugh
How they do treat
This little girl
Who has two left feet

She wants to dance
Her heart is true
She needs my help
So what can I do?

Partners we will be
Partners at the dance
If we donít get help soon
We wonít stand a chance

Twanky summons us
Mistress of the dance
Boy, itís hard to twirl
In these twelve pound pants

Teacher most divine
Graceful as can be
Freaks me out a little
How sheís eyeing me

Asterius wants to stop us
But we dodge the traps he sends

Hercules and Althea:
We have our ups and downs but
Learn the Twanky Twiddle in the end

Watch the others dance
Watch Ďem as they flop
We ignite the dance floor
And we land on top

Hercules:
Magistrate is through
Away with his laws
New respect for Althea
Guys drop their jaws

I know it is time to leave here
Twanky wants to have more fun
Youíll have to wait, Iolaus
By Zeus! She reminds me of someone...




FINALE

Alcmene:
Now you are here
Family beside me
Now I can die in peace
For now my life is blessed

Hercules:
You will live, Mother, youíre going to live
I wonít let you go without a fight

Alcmene:
No, my son, my time is here at last
I will go
No regrets

My husband
We need no words between us
Iolaus
I love you like my own son
Hercules
You have made my life complete
A mother could never ask for
A much greater gift than you

Zeus:
Come with me
And take your rightful place now
At my side
Weíll rule upon Olympus
Iím your father
And all that you have left now

Iolaus:
This could be the right thing for you
You should listen to your heart

Hercules:
This is hard
Do I become one of them?
But I know
Itís what my mother wanted
This is my chance
To reconcile with my dad
I hug my brother goodbye
And I am ready to go

Do you see I do not care
About your lives on Olympus
It is the helping of the people
That is claiming my interest

For the greater good of earth
I sacrificed my former life
But Zeus confesses he needs help
To hold off his wife

Iolaus:
It was not quite the homecoming
That I wanted it to be
They laid a major guilt trip down
Then saw the hero in me
A truce with Pandion
And my mother is proud of me

Hercules:
Well my dad is not so bad
He gave up immortality
To save Mother from Heraís wrath
So then I save him from Ares
Knock Apollo to the side
And make sure Heraís history
Then it is time to say farewell
And return to Greece

Did I scare you there, my friend?
My time as a god now is through
Realized how much my family means
Iolaus, family now is you
This is how weíre meant to be
Battling together for whatís right
Letís meet our future side by side
And fight the good fight
Fight the good fight!

Finis

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