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Lore on the Issues:

These are our values. Unless people don't want them to be. But I'm pretty set on the foosball thing.

Education:
Chapter 2: Moral Education
"share your toys": 25
"worship Satan": 181
The World according to AltaVista

The Force
"The Force fills us. It surrounds us all. Let go. When you have understanding, your future the Force will guide. A Jedi uses the Force to protect and defend, never to seduce. Mmm. Your own spirit, you cannot escape. Mmm! The Force fills us. It flows through us all. Mmm? Yes. Only balance can protect your destiny. Consuming, the Dark Side is, but evil."
The Jedi Training Generator

Big Government:
We're people working for people like you. People who are tired of the stultifying rules of modern "civilization" and long to find themselves free of rules, laws, and regulations. Think of it. No government, no police, nothing coming between people but their natural sense of goodwill and fair play, plus whatever weapons they happen to have on hand. And your phone bill will be simpler!
The Anarchy Organization

So here's our first proposal, which will be upgraded to "demand" if the polls warrant. We want warning labels on our laws. Congress churns out gobs of laws every year, only a handful of which end up actually being something we have to pay attention to. In the interest of freeing up time to play America's National Sport, Foosball (That's our other proposal), we want congress to add a simple rating to every law they pass to let us know if we actually have to pay attention.
The Law Rating System

Health Care
The CIA Health Plan
$19.95/month - Surveillance For Your Health The CIA will keep you under constant surveillance, with particular attention paid to your heart rate and apparent blood pressure. In forty years, when these documents are de-classified, you can obtain them under the Freedom of Information Act and use the data to formulate an exercise and diet plan.
The C.I.A. Health Plan

"Let's establish health society by abolishing inferior food." I don't know about you, but I'm ready to start establishing health society even as we speak.
The Ratings: More Korean Snacks

Family Values:
Bo (aka L Fitzgerald), How often must I remind you that sugar cereal is not good for you. Even though you can now afford to go to the dentist, please return those sugar cereals to the shelf and come back with something more suitable. How about some Spoon Size Shredded Wheat or Cheerios? I love you, be good.
Yes, this is actually a letter from my mom. That's one of the sad glories of the Information Age: your mom always knows what you're up to. The odd thing here is that with all the twisted stuff on this site, mom's worried about my TEETH.
Mail Archive

Britney Spears:
Approximately fifteen billion years ago, Britney Spears was an infinitely hot and massive singularity. The Big Bang caused the universe to rapidly expand away from Britney Spears, and it wasn't until billions of years later that Britney Spears coalesced and cooled into her current form. Scientists are divided as to whether the universe will continue expanding away from Britney Spears forever or will eventually contract back on the teenaged MTV darling, ending her career as well as the entire cosmos.

The answer may lie in a theoretical form of entertainment scientists call "Heavy Metal." Originally postulated to explain discrepancies in predictions of the rotation of galaxies and the sales of Fender Stratocasters, "Heavy Metal" -- if it exists -- would be a form of music so massive that it would only be detectable by its influence on males between the ages of 13 and 22. If the universe contains enough "Heavy Metal," it will continue to expand away from Britney Spears, thus avoiding both the end of the universe and the sentimental retrospectives that would result.
Mail

Drugs:
Even a little bit of Lou Bega is still too much. I find the only way I can sit through "Mambo #5" is by mentally substituting drug names for girl names.

A little bit of ecstacy in my life
A little bit of LSD by my side
A little bit of Benzedrine is all I need
A little bit of mescaline is what I see
Hey, fun.
Mail

Abortion:
Have you everů
59. (arranged, had), an abortion?
Abortion arranging? Is that like flower arranging?
The 100-Question Parody Test

The Military
Okay, the heat-seeking missiles didn't work because Godzilla is cold-blooded. Fine. Then how did they get a lock in the first place? And why did it not occur to anyone in the entire Army chain of command that reptiles don't have afterburners?
Harp On Godzilla

Contact the campaign manager at sdanielson@mail.colgate.edu

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