"You what?!" exclaimed Leighanne, sitting up straight, looking at Brian with wide eyes, "is this some kind of sick joke?!"

Brian rolled his eyes and shook his head. "I didn’t get the deal," he reiterated, "I went into Mr. Walters’ office, and was shut down miserably. What part of that DON’T you understand?"

Leighanne put her hand on her forehead and closed her eyes. "What exactly is the problem, Brian? Why is it that nobody you want to sign with has agreed?! Don’t you think that means something?" she said.

Brian had to keep himself from saying something extremely rude in return. "I don’t know, Leighanne, what does it mean? Please enlighten me!" he cried, sarcastically. "It means," she replied, "that you have to get your act together! This isn’t a free ride, ya know! Things may not be as easy as they were...."

"Don’t you think I know that?!" he blurted out, interrupting her, but was cut off by Leighanne again, who said, "Brian! Open your eyes! You aren’t a Backstreet Boy anymore! You aren’t ‘B-rok’! People aren’t lined up to kiss your ass anymore! Wake up and face reality!"

Brian got up from his seat and stormed out of the room. He couldn’t stand it any longer. In the back of his mind he knew she made some sense, but she was the one who was supposed to be encouraging him. That was the last thing she was doing at the moment.

He ran down the basement stairs and plopped down into his favorite chair. ‘This is too much for me right now,’ he thought, as his mind spun around in a million circles. He couldn’t even muster up the strength to go back upstairs. It was sad, but he used to love spending time with Leighanne; now, whenever they were together, it seemed like Brian wanted to be somewhere else.

Kevin’s eyes wandered from the newspaper as he thought about last week when he had been in his hometown. When he was at his parents’ house, he had run into Uncle Harold and Aunt Jackie....Brian’s parents. It was nice to see them, but it only made things a little more painful. They had both asked Kevin repeatedly if he had spoken to Brian, if he still kept in touch with Brian, and why he didn’t. Kevin couldn’t even answer with a proper answer. The only thing he could think of was how much it brought back bad memories.

Kevin returned back to the newspaper he was reading, as his eyes skimmed the "Upcoming Events" page. There, he saw a good sized ad for an upcoming event, sponsored by Calvin Klein.

"Hmmmmmm," he said out loud to an empty kitchen, as he read through the ad. Then, his eyes fell on the name of the person who was running the show: Howie Dorough.

He blew another ring of smoke, as he felt the pills begin to kick in. He couldn’t explain it, but the need for the painkillers was something he couldn’t control. They just seemed to ease so much pain.

His body began to relax, and his head became light. He started to doze off, but was jolted awake by a surge that went passing through his body. It was a good surge, however, as he became even more lightheaded and relaxed. ‘I haven’t felt this good in ages,’ he thought to himself, as his mind left his body.

"Christ," he murmured, rubbing his eyes, "who would call me this early in the morning?"

A familiar voice sounded through the machine. "Hi Nick, it’s Randy....from work....um, if you’re listening to this message, please pick up....it’s quite urgent...are you home? Okay, well I guess....."

Nick lunged for the phone and picked it up, cutting Randy off. "Hello?" he said, wondering what was up. Something in Randy’s voice hadn’t sounded quite right.

"Hi, Nick?" Randy asked, still not sure if it was him.

"Yeah...hey buddy, what’s up? What’s the urgent news?" Nick asked inquisitively.

"Um...Nick.....I don’t really know how to say this.....I’ve always been really bad at these things," Randy babbled, his voice breaking on every other word. "Randy, what’s wrong?" Nick asked again.

"Nick...Jim died this morning."

He unconsciously grabbed the pillow beside him and began to toss it around. Thankfully, Leighanne wasn’t there to witness the episode. When Brian had gotten into bed, she hadn’t been there, presumably out with friends. Brian had hoped she wouldn’t be back for the evening, and didn’t really care if she was out all night.

He continued to thrash around. "Please.." he cried out, "don’t blame me!"

Brian jolted awake, sitting up suddenly. His forehead and neck were drenched in sweat, and he panted heavily, trying to catch his breath. "Shit.." he cursed, as tears stung his eyes. His hands began to shake, as his dream came crashing down on him like the vivid nightmare it was.

He shakily reached for the bottle on his bedside table, unscrewing the cap and taking out two tablets. The sweat dripped off of his forehead, as he saw uncontrollable images of what had happened in his dream. He took the two tablets and swallowed them quickly, hoping to stop the episode before it could get any worse.

"Dearly beloved....friends, family....we are gathered here today to mourn the death of a loved one, Jim Sullivan, who passed away early Monday morning...."

Nick stood outside, his eyes fixated on the casket. He wore a black suit and sunglasses, and even though it was such a nice day outside, it felt like the most terrible day ever.

"....he was known for many things, including the beautiful voice of our own Tampa Bay Devil Rays...."

Nick’s breath caught in his throat. Tears which had been welling up in his eyes began to flow freely down his cheeks. Nick tried to wipe them away before they fell below his glasses, but it was no use.

"....we lost a great person at such a young age....Jim was only 41 when he passed on....but his memory will be with us always..."

The service ended, and Nick was quick to get out of that cemetery, fast. He didn’t want to hang around and be reminded of such a tragedy. He peeled out of the parking lot, and drove home as fast as traffic would allow.

When he reached his house, he managed to make it inside before breaking down. Heavy sobs which came from the depths of his chest seemed to shake his whole body. "Why?!" he cried out loud, pounding his fists into one of his pillows, "why does this always happen?! Why can’t I keep just one person in my life?......"

Nick sobbed and sobbed until he had no more tears left. He had never been able to deal with his emotions well, and wished he had someone to be there for him...to comfort him. But when he looked around, all he saw were his four dogs.

The music continued, as the models walked up and down the runway, modeling Howie’s hard work. He didn’t do it alone, however. He had teams of associates who helped him every day.

He glanced at the runway, and let out an involuntary sigh. He knew something was bothering him, but he wasn’t able to put his finger on the whole problem. He knew, though, that it had to do with his past....an aspect of his life he hated reliving.

He read the rest of the advertisement, as a million thoughts came flooding to him at once. "Howie?" he said out loud again, "running a fashion show?"

His vision began to cloud over, as the memories came back to him.

"Dude, what was up with Nick today? Man, he’s a fucking idiot!" exclaimed Kevin, as he climbed the steps of the tour bus, as they headed for the next city on the Northeast side, "why would he fuck up an interview on MTV like that?!"

Howie, who was with him, shook his head. "I don’t know," he said, sullenly, not looking Kevin in the eye, "maybe he just didn’t care?"

Kevin made a noise, as he plopped down onto one of the many couches on the bus. "He’d have to be pretty stupid to do something like that," he said, rolling his eyes. "Kevin, shut up," Howie hissed in response, "he’s on the bus right now? Do you want him to hear you?!"

Kevin waved his hand in a nonchalant manner. "Who cares?" Kevin replied, as AJ sauntered into the area, "he fucked it up! His own fault! It would have been better if he wasn’t there at all!"

AJ raised an eyebrow skeptically, as Howie bit his lip to refrain from replying. However, it was too much for him. "You would think that, wouldn’t you?" Howie said, his anger building up immensely inside of him, "of course that’s always the answer for YOU, isn’t it?!"

Kevin’s eyes widened. Howie wasn’t usually the type who would blow up like that, but it seemed to all be pouring out. "Was that what you were thinking when you missed the Entertainment Weekly interview?! Or did you simply not want to come? Because now, because of you, that interview will have NOTHING to do with you! Did you think that wouldn’t matter? Since when did you think your dumb modeling career came before the Backstreet Boys?!" Howie shouted, drawing Brian and Nick out of their bunks and into the main area.

Kevin opened his mouth, but nothing came out. He couldn’t think of a single way to defend himself.

"Hello, Mr. McLean, this is Jonathan Mitchell from Club Aquarius....we received your request to play here next month as Johnny No-Name, however we are incredibly booked from now until later on in the year....we regret this news, however I hope that...."

AJ slammed his hand down onto the erase button before the message could finish. "Fuck!" he screamed out loud, scaring one of his dogs into the corner, "what the fuck is wrong with these people?! I AM Johnny No-Name! How could they not let me play?!"

The fact was, AJ had no band, no crew, nothing. The only thing he had was himself, and lately that wasn’t holding up to the standards of everyone else. No one would let him perform in their club. He was losing all hope.

"I am Johnny No-Name," he murmured, unsnapping the cap off of the prescription bottle of pills and popping three of them, "I will prevail."

"Brian? Brian! Are you listening to me?" Leighanne said loudly, trying to bring Brian’s attention back to her, "you’re not getting anything done by sitting on your ass!"

Brian clenched his jaw, but continued to flip through the channels on his television. Leighanne had been yelling at him continuously throughout the day, and he was getting sick of it.

"And you wonder why you don’t have a record deal! I can’t continue to support BOTH of us, Brian! Something’s gotta change here!" she continued to yell.

Brian shut off the TV and turned to look her straight in the eye. "You’re right," he said calmly, watching her expression change from agitated to now just plain confused, "things do need to change....and I think I know just where to start."

He got up and made his way upstairs. "Where are you going?" called Leighanne, but Brian didn’t answer. Within 10 minutes, he was downstairs again, this time with a large suitcase in one hand, and his dog, Tyke, in another.

"What?......." Leighanne trailed off, but was immediately cut off by Brian. "This has gone on long enough. For almost a year now, Leighanne, almost A YEAR I have been putting up with this shit......YOUR shit! But not anymore! We never talk unless we’re screaming at each other, and we don’t even show love toward each other anymore. In fact, I’m seriously questioning that myself.....I can’t be with you anymore, Leighanne, I just can’t. I just need to be alone," he finished.

Leighanne watched as Brian grabbed his jacket from the front hall closet, speechless. "But Brian! Baby! Things can change! We can work it out......I promise!" she cried, as tears welled up in her blue eyes.

Brian shook his head as he stood in the doorway. "I’m sorry....I need a separation," he said, "I’ll call you later on so we can make the decision to finalize things."

He walked out the door, and just as he shut it, he could hear Leighanne’s sad and angry sobs.

******************************

Howie sighed, as he plopped down onto his leather couch. His show had been successful, and the critics had loved it. He couldn’t have asked for a better turnout.

However, guilt had been plaguing his mind all day. At first he didn’t know what exactly was bothering him, but as the day went on, he realized just what it was.

"Why was I so harsh?" he said out loud, "why did it matter so much to me?"

He sighed again, thinking of Kevin. "It’s so ironic that I’m the modeling tycoon now, when three years ago I accused him of the same thing," he said, "I accused him of abandoning the Backstreet Boys for modeling."

Howie shuddered at the thought. Over the past three years, he hadn’t thought much about the Backstreet Boys....at least he had tried not to. At the beginning it was hard.....everywhere he had gone he was reminded about the job he used to have, and the friends he didn’t have anymore. He had actually considered calling up AJ or Kevin after the breakup, but he had chickened out at the last minute. Things weren’t the same at all.

The tour bus was silent. Kevin sat against the wall in the corner, Brian sat on the couch along with Nick, Howie sat in the other corner, and AJ lay sprawled out on the floor. Nobody said a word to each other.

Nothing had been said for the last three and a half hours. They were on their way home to Florida, after finishing a couple of concerts in the New England area. Ever since the episode on the bus a couple days ago, they hadn’t really said anything. They went, they performed, and they kept to themselves.

RING! RING! AJ’s cell phone went off, causing the four others to look in his direction. AJ shot them an annoyed look, and answered his phone, knowing very well who it was. Nick took this very opportunity to break the silence by making his way to the kitchenette for a drink, not offering the other guys one. In less than two minutes he was back, holding a tall glass with tequila in it....with a slice of lime perched on the side of the glass.

Kevin shot Nick a dirty look, while he watched his friend take a good sized gulp. He wanted to say something, but Brian beat him to it.

"Nick, what exactly are you doing?"

Nick wiped the side of his mouth with his shirt sleeve and winced. "What do you mean?" he asked, trying to charm them with his smile.

"I think you know exactly what I mean," Brian retorted, "what’s with this all of a sudden? Do you suddenly feel like you have to be drinking at three in the afternoon?!"

Nick snickered and took another swig. "Brian," he chuckled, "you could actually learn from me...it might help you lighten up a bit! C’mon, drink with me! Then, tonight we can get extra drunk and pick up some women!"

Brian raised his eyebrows unbelievably. "Nick, you know that’s not happening," he choked out, "you KNOW me and Leighanne are...."

"Oh who cares?" Nick interrupted, waving his hand, "who cares? She’s a fucking slut anyway..." Brian’s eyes widened, as he watched Nick put down his glass and wobbly stand up. "Dude! What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!" Brian yelled, standing up as well, noticing the horrified looks of the other guys, and noticing AJ had ended his call and was now watching.

"It means," Nick slurred, "that she’s a slut. A tramp. Who cares about her?! She’s probably off fucking some other guy anyway! She doesn’t need you!......"Brian lunged at Nick, slamming him against the wall, trying his very hardest to punch him in the face. Nick, drunk as he might have been, however, fought back hard until the other three made it over to break it up. "Take it back!" cried Brian, flailing his fists toward Nick, "take it all back you cocksucker!"

Nick smirked and pretended to zip his lips, as Kevin, AJ and Howie grabbed both of them and separated them. "Last time I checked," he snarled, "I have the power to say what I want, when I want."

Brian made another move for Nick, but was blocked by the others. "You think you’re so high and mighty!" Brian screamed, "you cocky little bitch! You think just because you’ve now got a girlfriend you’re the shit! Well, you’re not!"

"C’mon Brian, stop," hissed Kevin, who was standing between Nick and Brian, "just cool off...."

But it was too late. Nick had broken free from Howie’s grip, and was now standing face to face with Brian. "Oh, please Brian," Nick said, rolling his eyes, "you think I’m gonna take this? This from the guy who has been jealous of me all his life?!"

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Brian asked, narrowing his eyes, as the five stood in the center of the tour bus, "what are you saying?"

"I'm saying," Nick slurred, "that ever since we formed this Godforsaken group YOU have been jealous of me!"

Brian clenched his fists in rage. "You don't fucking know what you're talking about!" he screamed back, "you're making this up out of your own self-consciousness!"

Nick laughed and shoved Brian. "You WOULD say that....like you're ever gonna admit the truth! Face it Brian, you've wanted to be me since you met me! You've been hiding in my shadow since I was thirteen! Don't you tell me that I'm nothing, Brian.....because I KNOW I'm something!"

Nick took a breath, as Brian fought to find the right words. "Nick," AJ said sternly, "I think you've had enough..."

"Get outta my face," Nick snarled, "don't even get me started on you."

"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?!" AJ replied, startled, at the same time that Brian said, "You are the biggest fucking piece of shit, Nick! How could you even make up such bullshit?!"

Nick blinked twice, looking at the group of four which had crowded around him. He felt as though he might fall over, but continued to rant. "Brian....just come to terms with yourself...it'll make you feel better...." Brian lunged, but was stopped by Howie. Nick laughed, and turned to AJ. "And you! Mr. Johnny No-Name himself! You're so....."

"Don't even say it!" interrupted AJ, stepping closer to Nick with an evil look on his face, "don't even open your fucking mouth! No one is interested in what you have to say! No one wants to pay attention to you anymore, you drunk bastard!"

Nick raised his eyebrows. "You would say that," he hissed, "God forbid we should take the attention off of Mr. Ego-trip! You know you ALWAYS wanna be the center of attention...it's been that way since day one and you know it!"

"You better shut up right now!" screamed AJ, grabbing Nick by his collar, "before I pound you!" Nick shoved AJ off of him and said, "Oh fuck off, AJ.....go find yourself some thirteen-year-old to fuck around with."

AJ was about to make a move, when a small noise could be heard. AJ whipped around and saw Kevin trying his very hardest to stifle a giggle. "What's your problem?" AJ hissed, looking Kevin straight in the eye. "Nothing," Kevin said, biting his lip to keep from laughing.

"Why the fuck are you laughing at me?!" AJ demanded, momentarily leaving Nick and turning his full attention to Kevin. Kevin wiped his eye and said, "Nothing personal, dude, but what Nick's saying is true!"

Fire burned in AJ's eyes. 'Oh shit,' thought Howie, rubbing his forehead. He knew AJ lately had a terrible temper. "You asshole," hissed AJ, "how dare you say that!"

Kevin giggled again, looking to Nick for help, who just had disgust in his eyes. "Well I'll tell YOU something Mr. Personality! There's absolutely NO reason you should be making fun of me!" AJ yelled.

Kevin stopped laughing, narrowed his eyes and said, "And why is that?" AJ cracked his knuckles and said, "Because, Kevin, at least I don't dwell on things that have happened over ten years ago! You're the most unapproachable person I know! And you wonder why none of our fans like you! It's like talking to a brick wall!"

Kevin took a sharp breath. "You may think that, but I happen to disagree," he said sharply, his voice choking up a bit, "it's not my fault you're insensitive!"

"There's a difference between being sensitive and crying your fucking eyes out every time someone mentions their father....I mean, fuck! It's been over ten years! When are you ever gonna get over it?!"

Kevin opened his mouth, but nothing came out. "I don't talk to my father, but you don't see me crying about it! Hell, take him...he's all yours! HE may as well be dead for all I care!" AJ finished, getting satisfaction from the hurt in Kevin's eyes.

"ENOUGH!" cried Brian, glancing evilly at Nick and the rest of the guys, but was interrupted by AJ who said, "Shut up, church boy....no one is interested in whatever it is you have to say either!"

Brian's mouth dropped open and came to his own defense. "What do you mean, 'church boy'?! What exactly are you implying?" he asked, eyes flaring. "I mean that maybe you should take a step away from your fucking religion and be normal for once!" AJ yelled.

"My religion and what I believe is MY OWN business, and has nothing to do with you, all right? Let's get that straight now....just because I don't go out and fuck every girl that comes along doesn't mean I'm not as good a person as you!" Brian screamed.

"JUST SHUT UP!" interrupted Howie, stepping in the middle of the argument, "everyone, stop! Enough! This isn't the time to be fighting with each other!"

"Oh please," Brian answered, rolling his eyes, "you'd think that you'd become less of a pussy as the years went on! You can't even stand to listen to this for a second! Grow up and stop being such a baby!"

Howie clenched his jaw in anger, trying to refrain himself from saying something he was going to regret, but he couldn't stop himself. Here he was, witnessing his friends tear each other apart, and this was the one time he couldn't stand idly by.

"Fuck off, Brian!" Howie yelled, shoving him aside, "don't take your insecurities out on other people! And AJ? Just because the girls think you're hot shit doesn't mean you are, okay? Kevin, who do you think you are trying to pretend you're so much better than the rest of us?! You AREN'T a model, and you never will be! Face it! And Nick? Just because you think all the fans love you and you're the favorite doesn't mean you can sit here, drunk like shit, bashing everyone else! You AREN'T better than us, people DON'T love you more, and if they knew what a huge asshole you were, they'd probably kill you!"

There was complete silence. No one knew what to say or do. Everyone was just shocked. "Well ya know what?!" AJ said loudly, interrupting the silence and causing everyone to jump, "I don't care, Howie. I just don't care. I can't believe I've put up with you all for this long! It's amazing I haven't gone insane!"

"Fuck off!" Nick said, "you're such a fucking liar and you know it! If you weren't here, you'd be at McDonald's or something flipping hamburgers! You'd be a nobody!"

AJ gritted his teeth and turned to the four other boys. "From the moment I met you all, I've thought you were all the biggest losers. Just because I haven't said it out loud doesn't mean it's not true....I've kept my mouth shut for this long, but not anymore. I'm successful, and I know now that I can be successful minus all of you."

"What are you fucking saying, AJ?" Kevin said, rolling his eyes.

AJ shrugged. He looked at the others. "You tell me," he said, shooting everyone dirty glances, as he retreated to his small bunk.