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CONTEMPLATION, OPINION AND MENTALITIES

In this section I will post my innane banter, rants and raves about what I love, what I hate, what I want and what genuinely makes me sick to my stomache. Basically this is the place I will use to vent, and will be the main focus of the site.

NOTE: I WILL NEVER DELETE ANYTHING FROM THIS PAGE. I DO NOT BELIEVE IN REGRETS AND I WANT TO BE ABLE TO REFLECT BACK ON THIS.

Janary 29, 2004

Again, it's been way too long since I've updated this thing... I've been posting all my new stuff on my live journal. It's accessable at http:www.livejournal.com/users/deus_ex_matryr been a long time since I've coded in HTML so I'm not gonna bother right now... anyway... I'm a little tipsy on Jagermiester... I'll update this tomorrow...

August 1, 2003
I was leafing through my writing again.. found another forgotten bunch on my comp. so here are the ones i'm willing to share.

A DREAM ONCE RESERVED FOR TWILIGHT SLUMBER

A dream once reserved to twilight slumber,
Viewed through pictures behind my eyes.
Liquid fantasy
- Slipping through my fingers.
Pinch me.
As the first rays of sunlight gleam through
Bringing forth the tangerine taste of a new day,
A day different from all others;
For I do not completely awaken.
Pinch me.
I ride the suns’ rainbow rays
Midway from dream to reality,
Straight into your arms.
Face to face with my reverie.
Pinch me.
My heart leaps.
Combines with what I have uncovered.
Was this being alive before I created her in my mind
Singing to me.
Or is she forged from the stars in my mind,
Of the dream image within.
Pinch me.
For I no longer need to close my eyes to see you.
I no longer need to dream.

BROKEN

I claw at empty spaces and nostalgic feelings.
A fallen angel buried in grave regrets.
Wings stapled together by the past cause flight to be impossible.
All I want is to soar above this pain straight into smiles of new faces.
Yet I am haunted by laughter past.
Joys of yesteryear.
My stitched together wings cause me to spiral into the abyss downward towards nothing.
I grasp desperately for something, someone to save me.
But the only hand strong enough no longer reaches out
Will you return?
If not, when will my true desire reveal itself?

LEFT WITH NOTHING
something about this peice hits me hard everytime i read it. It's an escape from what i was used to writing... and it opened up a whole new path for my literary journey. There is just something so seductive about nonsensical sense.

After staring for hours at the pictures on the wall.
Faces begin to drip,
Fade away with laughter and tears of yesterday.
A single cigarette burns in the ashtray of a closed down auto shop.
Grease the wheels and let them spin.
The gauge reads full, with gas spilt on the ground.
Unsuspecting people stand in line at the supermarket.
10 items or less.
Thoughts captured by the colours of the point of sale display.
Price check isle 3.
All ingredients combustible,
Even miles apart.
Shampoo, candle, coffee, T.V.
The marketing of the earth has overcome me.
There is nothing left of my brain, but that which is placed there by the ads.
So I sit alone in the galaxies last remaining restaurant.
Dining on my infidelities.

MOVING STILL

I stand here, bare foot on worn down carpet. Gathering the atmosphere in my hands; Carry it home in my pockets. It is there that I place them in bottles, Next to fetuses of future generations.

There is no world outside of the room you are currently in.

Tonight I fill wine glasses with the emotion of the masses. Punch drunk off hypnotic serenity, and love in its purest degree.

Enlightenment comes in the tune of C. The truths of my sorrows staring me in the face. I nod my head to the music while you look for what you don’t have, Instead of seeing what you do.

Isn’t it enough?

It’s like we are all trying to balance ourselves between madness and the elysian fields of our dreams. Where reality melts to ice cream on the sidewalk. I take myself into the world that collective reality has created and my perspective is that of a child. I stare innocently though blank eyes and deep to an empty mind that sees no further than the journey that their television can take them on.

Act today and the remote will be custom tailored to match your home’s colour scheme.

There is no world outside of the one you are currently in.
This rings true to us all.
How aware of your surroundings are you?

SING THE DEVOTION

Everyone has their music
Folk
Rock
Rhythm and blues
But the most influential for me
Is the melody
That is you
The bass of your heart
A rhythmic beating
My feet tap to
Lips that burn
Like rose flavoured fire
Kiss with the intensity
Of a worldwide choir
Eyes that shed tears
Harmonic notes of C
Ebony and ivory
Cascading piano keys
Electric riffs
From a fender guitar
Your soul takes me higher
Shooting with the stars
You are my Symphony
And you always will be
The greatest lyric of all
Your song singing to me

WHEN MY HEART MET YOUR EYES

New beginnings in old patterns arise.
Heartstrings pulled by your silent kiss.
It’s the very first time I’ve looked in your eyes.
A glittering smile causes me to reminisce.

Like holding a feather in each hand.
Both with an equal yet separate beauty.
Flying into the dizzying atmosphere of dreamland.
Turing me into an awestruck zombie.

New and old clash like old and new.
Inside and out, sideways and lengthwise.
Minds spin unsure of what to do.
Like the very first time my heart met your eyes.

A battle of right and left.
Not unlike good and evil.
Even though the fingers are deft.
Insides are too easy to baffle.

STARE
[fuck punctuation]

I’m broken souled and fucking numb
Counting down to vernal equinox
Tired of waiting for the dawn of the new sun
Searching for a new way to detox
With empty eyes I spin in circles
Knowing my chosen destination
Not a care for awaiting perils
I strive for your undivided attention
New spring is on the horizon
Signaling time to drop the knife
Your breath leaves me frozen
Your stare scares me to life

SLEEPING IN ELYSIAN FIELDS

Warm breath on the back of my neck
Freezes me to the point of melting.
Causing a tap dancing heart.
A soul that can’t help but sing.
As emotion I can taste,
Like your joyous tears
coats the tip of my tongue.
I skim my hand over candy-coated air
Before wide open eyes
Wrapped in swan feather dreams,
Sensing the feel of your saccharine skin
As the pheromones of your soul
Plunge deep into my senses.
Your love hangs in midair
Bestowing the feeling your always here.

March 24, 2003

DESIDERATA (something desired as essential)

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexatious to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing forces of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline be gentle to yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars, and you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.

-Max Ehrmann

March 10, 2003

Mood Swing [I]

Midway from here to thereafter
on a jounrney against my wishes
I better myself.
Any new information is relished,
old passions better forgotten.

But i won't...

I can't allow myself that juxstiposition.
I know that something new will come... And if I am too self absorbed in mindless pity then I fear I will miss what we all crave... What I tell those close to me we live for... it's there... in many forms... for me in all forms but the one I need...

The one I live for...

Where is it?

In the car beside me at the intersection? Maybe watching t.v. in the house next door? I wish I had some form of direction...

Maybe it's time to spin... follow the wavy path... and end up either in madness... or in love...

MARCH 1, 2003

thanks to lissa here. You drive my mind into realms i would be unable to explore on my own. you help my creativity to flow. and our conversations are always points of inspiration.

SPIDERS

I run to my paradise
hide under the stairs
Alone in the company of cobwebs
I close my eyes
open my ears, nose, and mouth
Allowing the creators to enter my body
To take residence in my soul
Now they spin their traps in my mind
Catching the insects within
The pests that devour the soul
I sit back.
Don’t move.
That scares them you see.
And as a team we work
To extract the infection
Clearing spaces for a new breed
A new pain
For I am human.
It is my nature

February 24, 2003

I'm finally updating... over the last few months i have been writing in notebooks instead of posting on here... but lately i have had people asking me to update... so here is some stuff from the pages of my books...

LOST FIELDS

The cloud dissolves from under my feet.
No silver lining;
Just your deciept.
I have become the scarecrow
Lost in flashback memory.

Under the midway you dance,
Spinning around me.
That moment I saw you
In a new ferris wheel light.

Are you even aware
Of the moments we've shared?
Intimate instances,
causing my physical being
To become stuffed with straw.
To become the scarecrow;
Stiff in the field that is you.

Will you ever allow me to do my duty?
To protect you from all that is evil?

I crave to deter the black ravens.
The ones that haunt your soul.

If only you will allow.

RANDOM THOUGHT #1

"That for which i live is love
Lived or the prospect thereof
My own personal hell
Is heaven without you."

Random Thought #2

"3 times broken...
I have become the tailor of my heart."

RANDOM THOUGHT #3

"A mourning moon
Against pale blue
Lingers above
With feelings of you."

ALLITERATION

Slicken image of sunlight slumber
Standing in the spotlight
Strobelight you on either side
Shapeshifting she-devil
Slips into sugar sweet
Some new desire
Same old deciept
Glistening scene starts
Repeat
A new scent resides under my sheets
Seasons change from shame to pristene
Shining spring from empty white scene
What are the means to change this drea?

6 O'CLOCK NEWS

I stare down the barrel of the gun
Straight into the black hole future
The media is too loud
It mutes out natures nurture
Moon silver pale
Beyond starchild eyes
Where humanity is no longer found
Drowning as one
We offer no hands
No comforting smiles

The shrapnel of the species
Is about to litter the grass.

October 17, 2002

CHILDLIKE INNOCENCE

Childlike innocence,
Peaked by curiosity.
Your little eyes could ever see,
Never expect the expense.
Now you look at me with bleary eyes.
Expect me to sympathize?
Your pain is self-inflicted.
Sickness self infected.
Synthetic joy
To override the bleakness.
Barren mind
Like a starless sky.
The sadness of day
No need to try
- It’s forgotten in night’s dance.
Never a care of the life risking chance
A simple solution,
Easier than any New Year’s resolution.
Lose yourself.
Lose everything.
I look in and see nothing.
Nowhere is the man that I call friend.
Pop another pill; forget pain again.
Don’t care.
Don’t struggle.
Allow the quicksand hand of addiction
To tighten its grip.
All problems forgotten in just one more trip…

June 3, 2002

TO MY INSPIRATION

all paths lead somewhere... and that is something that needs to be kept in mind your whole life... after reading your words... my mind.. my soul.. my entire being is filled with a joy that i would be unable to put down in any sort of medium... at least not until this newly found shade of rose clears from my glass glazed eyes... the feelings that i have become enveloped in are those of pure joy... and now... with a permanent smile on my face... i eagerly anticipate walking down this new path... the one we have come to cross together... hand in hand with you...

May 27, 2002

today is my 20th b-day! whoop! anyway... just changed my icq info.. and i liked the old one... short.. but in my eyes... extremely powerful... so now.. here it is... indellably etched in the annels of time...

as the substance subsides... your distorted utopia slowly melting away... the hairs on the back of your neck no longer standing on end... you reach within yourself... a vain attempt to find the entity which allows you to reach out to us... those who you claim to love... us... the ones who truly love you... but that entity is no longer discoverable... you now drown in the stench of your neglect... and it is us who must pull you out of your perdition...

MARCH 22, 2002

these are my fist ever publicly posted "lyrics" (I use the term loosely because they are so bad, and only follow the most basic of stuctures. enjoy.

PURPLE

All the knowlege of the world is sitting
In the palm of your hand,
Yet the angst of your soul is something
You can't begin to comprehend.

A darkness unescapeable;
pain unmistakeable;
The knowlege of the world
Spinning violently away. (away)
Never understanding the purple haze;
Swarming around the head these days;
Pushing the knowlege of the world
Violently away. (away)

Dragging the blade across pliable skin,
In a vain attempt to ease this pain.
Foolishly hoping for your utopia to begin.
While secretly knowing your hopes are in vain;
That you need to work through it slowly
Tracing the darkness back,
Back to where it had begun.

A darkness unescapeable;
Pain unmistakeable.
The knowlege of the world
Spinning violently away (away)
Never understanding the purple haze;
Swarming around the head these days.
Pushing the knowlege of the world
Violently away (away)

Enveloped in envy to the third degree
Pushing those who are close farther away
(from me)
A meaning of life impossible to understand
Even with the knowlege of the world
Sitting in the palm of your hand.

A darkness unescapeable;
Pain unmistakeable.
The knowlege of the world
Spinning violently away (away)
Never understanding the purple haze;
Swarming around my head these days.
Pushing the knowlege of the world
Violently away (away)

MARCH 22, 2002

wow... it's been over a year since i've posted anything here...

QUOTE

"When the doors of perception are cleansed, things will be seen as they truly are."

MARCH 6, 2001

LIVING A MOVIE

...love...a word that used to scare me half to death... a word that i knew stood for something so powerful... so special that i would try and find my way around saying it... partially because i didn't have a grasp on it's true meaning... partially because i knew that i didn't want to diminish the word so that when i did understand what it meant... it would mean everything it should and maybe even a little more...

I never expected things to come this early in my life... and definitely not this quick... love is no longer a word of meaning i don't understand... it is now a feeling... an electricity that races up and down my entire body... nearly making my knees buckle... every time i see her... every time i hear her voice... every time her name is mentioned... whenever she enters my mind... whenever i catch the unmistakable scent of her hair... and now.. It's like.. like all those corny movies you see about true love start to make sense... lyrics to songs mean so much more... everything just makes more sense... the future.. the past... everything...

I keep thinking that this is as much as it's gonna get... That the feeling in my stomache couldn't possibly grow anymore... that there is no more room in me.. Then i see her and my heart doubles in size... I say i love you... and it doesn't seem like enough anymore... there is so much more in me than what i perceived love to be...even though i was so careful in not lowering it's meaning before... and i become confused... have i yet to actually experience love to it's fullest degree... or am i so lucky to have found love... true love ... and more...

MARCH 6, 2001

TRUE THINKING

We've grown up all our lives always being told the same thing.... "USE YOUR HEAD!"... these words that were so familiar to us all during our childhood.. Through our teen years... and to a lesser extent... adulthood... we have been lead... conditioned to believe that our mind is the only source for information and guidance we have... If that were true... wouldn't we have been equipped with the ability to use the whole damn thing? I mean... studies prove that men only use 1/10 of their brains potential... women slightly more... yet teachers and parents are still standing by their claim that the mind is the see all and say all when it comes to situations in your life... And this myth needs to be stamped out quick... before too many unsuspecting souls are hurt....

When you have a problem that can be worked out on paper... by all means use your head... simplistic problems that have no effect whatsoever on your physical or emotional well being are handled superbly by the brain... however, when it comes to more complicated matters... the solutions your brain gives you become tattered... ill made... and dangerous... Your brain can cause you to ruin the best thing in your life in one fellow swoop... if you let it consume you and you take it's jumbled cries seriously... you need to use the other gifts that have been bestowed upon you... your heart... and your soul... The mind is very loud... its calculations are always heard... over anything else... and this can be a very bad thing... if you do not know how to turn down the volume on your brain I strongly suggest you learn... so that it no longer drowns out your heart... because it is the heart... that will always give you a truthful... proper path to follow.. So stop allowing your brain to complicate your world... turn down it's volume... look deep into your heart... all the way to the depths of your soul... and you will uncover things... that you never even realized you felt... That nothing is as trivial as it seems... and things that used to upset you... become petty... the answers are there... you just have to know where to look.. And who to listen to...

NOVEMBER 27, 2000

We were joined by fate... A room full of familliar strangers... she stood out... she shined brighter than the sun.... No one, not even us could have foreseen what destiny had chosen for her and I... I was positive... from that very first night... we were meant to be... nothing is better than doing nothing... as long as she is there doing it with me... 143 my princess.... forever...

how is it possible... for one person to make me feel that way... I'm the luckiest person in the world to have found her... I'm only 18... some people wait decades... late into thier lives... and never find her... I'm only 18...

How is it possible that whenever I see her... there is nothing else... that whenever i hear her voice... she soothes my soul the way a lullaby soothes a newborn... how is it that she gives me this creativity in my mind... and the ability to write down my feelings...

I don't know how anything is possible anymore... I'm a child again... contempt with the amazement that walks alongside wonder... I don't care how anything is possible anymore... as long as my heart believes it to be true...

... because every time i say goodbye... I smile... because the same thing goes through my mind every time we part... "I am going to grow old with that girl..."

and i'm only 18...

NOVEMBER 22, 2000

NARCISSISTIC THOUGHTS

I haven't been posting on this at all lately.... mostly becasue I didn't feel my opinion had any validity... I mean I'd give advice at school to people... but never to the person I needed to most... I thought I wasn't giveing her advise cause she was too good for it... that she was too strong and didn't need my advise... now i realize it's just another one of those things... that even if it is ignored... it at the same time reassures...

I'm sitting here now.. and a word pops into my head... fate... I have alot attached to that word... we have alot attached to that word.. first kiss... crash... mash.... and many more that I won't put on here... and I match fate up with imperfection... it someone is trying to be perfect.. then the whole ongoing fate aspect dwindles... I think I've been trying too hard to be perfect for her... and I think it's only hurt the butterflies... teh "feeling" that we discuss as part of this once in a blue moon relationship....

Now what has entered my mind is timing... everything about this has been with bad timing on my behalf.... from me being an exception to a single girl just wanting to have fun... to causing hurt at the worst possible moment... brining up things that could wait... at unopertune moments... and I look back and see just how much I have to learn... about her... and about who I am...

talk hard

SEPTEMBER 24, 2000

I actually wrote this at work about a month ago... found it today cleaning my room... thought I'd type it out...

FUCK OVER THE MACHINE

I've seen in my life the strongest and smartest men who've enver lived. I see all this potential... and I see squandering... God damnit an entire generation pumping gas... waiting tables... slaves with white colars... and advertising has us chasing cars and clothes... working jobs we hate... so we can but shit we don't need. We're the middle children of history... no real purpose or place... we have no great war... no great depression... Our great war is a spiritual war... our great depression is our lives... We've all been raised on television to believe that one day we'd all be millionaires... and movie gods... and rock stars... but we won't... and we're slowly learning that fact... and we're VERY pissed off! RAGE! FIGHT! FUCK OVER THE MACHINE!!! We're teenagers for christsake! Do whatever the hell you want! Drink beer! Do drugs! Have unprotected sex! Listen to music too loud! Watch prono movies! RAISE SOME FUCKING HELL!!!! These are our teen years... and what are we wasting our time doing?

Homework.

AUGUST 19, 2000

I found this on my comp while goofing around today, i wrote it a few months ago when I kinda hyper. It brought a smile to my face so I thought I'd post it.

The Blue Smartie Conspiracy

Whoever reads this, be forewarned, for this essay speaks of the greatest of all injustices. I speak not of wars or of famine, for though they are terrible in themselves, this act puts them to shame. I speak of GENOCIDE, the systematic extermination of an entire race of peoples. I speak of the SMURFS!

The Smurfs were ever a peaceful people. Numbering only one hundred, barely 3 apples tall, they lived in a utopian society under the benevolent dictatorship of the eldest and wisest, known to them only as Papa Smurf. They existed in harmony with nature, gathering food from the forest and living in homes of hewn mushroom. Each member of their society had a place, and they were defined by that place. Who could forget Handy's inventions, Brainy's arrogance or Jokey's childish pranks? They lived in harmony with nature, communing with animals and protecting their forest. But this most excellent society was brought low by the work of an outsider, the malevolent sorcerer, GARGAMEL. And why, may you ask, dids't he commit this heinous crime? GREED!

I must apologize, for I tend to get ahead of myself; I ask you to condemn without proof, to pass sentence without evidence. If you will, remember back to the last season of the Smurfs. It was in the summer of 1987 that the last episode of the Smurfs aired (Discounting Re-runs), and a scant 2 months later, Nestle' candy company came out with their new Blue Smarties! I seems evident that Gargamel, an agent of Nestle candy company, finally succeeded in his quest!

Wait,.. you say that Gargamel wanted the Smurfs so he could make them into Gold? True,.. in the later episodes, he did try vainly to transform them into this most precious metal, but earlier in the show's history he sought the Smurfs as a delicacy. And could the referral to Smurfs as "Gold" not merely reflect their worth as an ingredient to Nestle's famous candy? Truly, blue Smarties were worth gold to the Nestle company.

And you may think; there were but one hundred Smurfs, how could this be if there are over a hundred million boxes of Smarties sold in Canada in one year alone? The answer is quite simple. You see, a Smartie is made up of three distinct shells; the inner chocolate base, a white inner shell (cocoa butter and carnauba wax) and finally, a coloured, flavoured shell, no more than a few microns in depth. Given the insignificant depth of the outer shell, and the resultingly small volume of colored shell in each Smartie, it is easy to see how, with a bit of dilution, one Smurf could easily account for countless Smartie shells.

There exists no concrete evidence to back up my claims,.. the Nestle' company has covered its tracks too well. There will be no hearing, no investigation, no justice. And the greater tragedy is that this is not an isolated event : Do you remember the purple Smarties? The ones with the cute little sunglasses? I ask you this,.. what ever became of The California Raisons? How many more species have to die before we take action? How many more races must be wiped off this Earth for our chocolate greed?

This article is in no way to be taken seriously and is not intended to be a slight against Smarties or the Nestle' company. I apologize for any unintended insult.

AUGUST 17, 2000

a welcome feeling has returned

You know that feeling? The one that you feel so much.. that even tough it is such an awkward feeling... It is so intense that it feels good and you don't want it to stop... even if it hurts...

I went to a party a few days ago, we got pulled over by a car full of people we know and told about it as we were headed for a movie, so we went. I was at a girls house whom I haven't talked to in 5 years. and saw once since then. So Me and my buddy went and checked to see if it was cool if we hung there. She was nice enough to let us in and it was great. I haven't had such a good time since a party on the last day of school back in grade 11. There were so many people there that I hadn't seen since middle school. So I kinda caught up with alot of people... but most importantly I talked to someone I never thought I'd have feelings about... and now I can't stop... she's all that's in my head... I see her when I close my eyes... smell her hair when ever I breathe deep. catch her smiling out of the corner of my eye... even though she is never there... always catching the back of her head in a crowd.. hoping that she won't turn around... cause it's never actually her... these thoughts are making me nostalgic... and that's a feeling I've been searching for for a while... so thank you (her name shall remain annonymous for the time being... even tho no one ever reads this... or at least I like to imagine not...) thank you for making me feel the way I love to feel... I just hope that I can do the same for you... and soon.

AUG 3, 2000

RESPECT

Does age really matter in how much respect someone deserves? I think not. I coach 11 and 12 year old boys house league baseball. I'm only 18 and I knew this was going to happen sooner or later. That time was tonight. Me and the rest of my coaches get ABSOLUTELY no respect or credit, and I assume this is strictly an age thing. GUESS WHAT ASSHOLES! I'm not a father coaching his son. I'm there To teach these kids baseball. If I didn't know the game, I wouldn't be spending my teenaged, summer time doing this. So respect me for it. Today was our first playoff game, again the 1st place team in the league, and we are the last place team. So my talents as a coach have been in question from the parents of my kids, complaints were made. "They're too hard on the kids" "these kids are only 12 years old" "they yell at the kids too much" etc, etc, etc. Tonight we thrashed the number 1 team and we are suddenly doing a wonderful job with these kids I'm told by said complainers. and thats great, I understand all of that. But I can relate to these kids and I know that I can excpect the world of them so I push them, HARD. and it payed off. we won. Should be saying YIPEE! and drinking champainge right? Nope. Instead the incompetent scorer for the other team, (some middle adged lady has 7 -7 as the score instead of 8-7, so I head over and ask "who was the other teams scorer? Because I have 8-7." she snaps at me with "IT WAS A TIE BUDDY" another guy does about the same. So, being the real person I am, I take the same tone. (hey, if you disrespect me, I'm gonna reat you just the same. You see I respect everyone from the start, if you diminish my respect for you I ain't gonna hide it) "Well can you at least check?" I strongly reply. "I'M GOING TO" the brazen headcase says very rudely. then some other parent fromt he other team call me over and asks me how old I am. "18" "the are you old enough to show a lady some respect?" this guy asks me. "yes... but only if she's doing the same for me. and what deos my age have to do with anything?" Nothing" the moron wittingly replies. "then why did you ask me sir" "BECUASE YOUR ACTING LIKE A CHILD!" ...iodiot so I say "fine, let's drop it okay?" whatever right? and walk away with my kids telling me yo kick his ass and the rents of my kids telling the lady I'm completely in the right and that she needs to shut up. I MOVE ON! what happens? she keeps talkiung shit about me. So the head umpire, who happens to be my other coaches father. asks what happened I explain and he asks "are you big enough to reply? Even though you are the one in the right?" YES I AM THAT BIG THANK YOU! so I head over to this lady to end this before it ggets anyworse by apologiseing for something that I was not in the wrong for!

"I have to apologise for what happened. you have to understand that emothions were runing high from the game. "I DON'T THINK SO BUDDY" I what I get spat back in my face. At this momoent my jaw hit the ground. "You aren't going to even except my apology?!?" "YOU CALL THAT AN APOLOGY" gee these people are bright aren't they? "Yes." "TOUGH BUDDY! WATCH YOUR MOUTH NEXT TIME" and that was it. I'd had enough of this. so I walked away from it. apparently alot of people despise this lady and I have many people backing me on this but I mean SHIT! It shouldn't have gone that far. If people could just realise that they don't have more rights thean me because they are like 45 and I'm only 18. I've had the luck of the best coaching in Canada, I'm trying to repay the league which taught me, and which is declining badly in talent. ANd I have to put up with shit like this?? I ASK YOU, WHO IS THE ONE ACTING LIKE A CHILD? AND WHO IS THE ONE THAT HAS SOME GROWING UP TO DO.....

AND THAT'S ALL I GOT TO SAY ABOUT THAT!

oh and before I forget. HI CAIT!!!!! I love you kid!

JULY 2, 2000

*I wrote this before I made this site but thought I'd post it anyway.

COMPLETE BULLSHIT

Why can't people read between the lines? I never touch this damn thing so I'm assuming that no one is going to read this. but I'm going to vent anyway. The only pain in the world that I give a damn about anymore is that which is involved in that lovely thing we like to call the game. Lust hurts eh? Well, love hurts even more. I'm sure You want to be with someone more that anything. What happens? They don't want the same, or when they want you, you don't feel that Kieneasthetic energy that just has to be prominent for a relationship to suceed. Then comes the times that you actually get with the person and it's just more bad than good (this has nothing to do with my point but thought I'd add the fucker anyway).

You drop hint by obvious hint and they still don't get it. YOU SPELL IT OUT FOR THEM AND THEY DON'T GET IT! However, when you don't want them to know they figure it out. This is complete bullshit.

Or someone wants to be with you and you say no, then as soon as they move on, you want nothing more than to be with said person.

She just doesn't get it. I started this summer with two girls on that perverbial list. I knew all along which was the right girl. The other was just a safety, she was the one that was the escape. The relationship that would probably just be a fling. The choice if I wasn't ready for the comitment that I decided long ago I had to make if I was ever to be with the other girl. Finally I decide FUCK SAFETY! I've finally matured to the point where in my eyes I can make that comitment. The comitment to fall in love.(I NEVER USE THIS WORD) Then right when I decide this... I discover that she likes some other guy... The steriotypical stuation... The ex...

so I spend all this time trying to help her out with that situation while the whole time thinking.. This could be so much easier, Don't you realize this?

She wants to wait. Can't tell the old ex? So to that i say, very blatantly, wait. However, I don't think you realize what may just pass you by while waiting.

So it isn't written in hymn, doesn't rhyme, not chock full of innuendo, but this way, if you ever decide to swing by my addy. you won't have to guess and wonder... Confuse yourself over what my words mean.

Talk hard.

The 'Mood Swing' entries are transcribed from my imood account... entries that i wish to hold on to... go to imood.com for all the fun.