“Tiffany! What’s up?”
“Taylor?” I turned and looked around for him. All I saw was a large field with wildflowers scattered around.
“Behind you, sweetie.”
I turned and saw Taylor smiling at me, and his blue eyes sparkling. I smiled and jumped into his arms as a few tears streamed down my cheek.
He held me tight in his arms and kissed my cheek. “I still miss you so much, Tiff.”
“I miss you too.”
“So…you’re doing better, I guess.”
“A little. It’s still hard on all of us though.”
“I know. But, you know, you make it a lot easier on my family.”
“What? How?”
“You remind them of me and Zac sometimes…and I guess they like that.”
“Really? Wow…’
“Yup. They love you so much, babe. Ike, especially.”
‘What?’ I thought as I looked at Taylor. He simply smiled at me.
“Tiff…you can’t tell me you didn’t know!”
“I didn’t! How long has…” I thought back…and I realized that he had been dropping hints for awhile now…but what the hell? Would he really do that to Taylor? Even though Taylor was gone? Even before he was gone?
“About as long as I have, hun.” He said matter-of-factly.
“Whoa.” I couldn’t believe it! I sat down and Tay sat next to me and wrapped his arm around my waist. I rested my head on his shoulder and replied quietly, “Tay…all I ever wanted was just to be with you…and then I finally get that…then I lose it…and now your brother wants to hook up with me now that his brother is out of the way?”
Taylor sighed and kissed the top of my head. “Funny how things work out, huh?”
“Taylor…I still want to be with you! More than anything in the world that’s what I want. I don’t think I could even be with anyone else…I don’t think that…” He cut me off.
“I know…but is that your head or heart speaking?”
I was quiet. I didn’t know! I knew in my heart I wanted to be with Taylor because I loved him, but…what about the rest? “Tay…my heart belongs to you…it always will.”
“I know…and mine belongs to you forever…but, Tiff…you need to move on! You need to be happy! I can’t make you happy anymore! Not like I used to. I want you to be happy. I want Ike to be happy. You two…god…if only you knew how much I loved you guys…” His voice cracked and we both started to cry as he spoke. “More than anything, I just want you to be happy and safe. I would fight until there was nothing left to make sure that you were. I know deep in my heart that Ike could make you happy and keep you safe. I wouldn’t trust anyone else in the world to that. It took me a long time to finally admit all this to myself. God, I wish that…” I looked up into Tay’s eyes and wiped his cheeks dry with my fingers. “I wish that things were different. I wish I could go back and change everything…but I can’t. This is the way it’s gotta be…and we both have to learn to live with it…no matter how much we hate it…no matter how much it hurts…”
We were quiet for a long time, just holding each other. I never wanted to let go…and neither did he. I smiled weakly and whispered, “Jon Davis was right…love twice and you’ll get fucked.”
Taylor chuckled a little. “I know. Just promise me that you’ll do what your heart tells you, okay?”
“I will…I promise.” I was quiet for a moment, not knowing what to say next. “Taylor?”
“Hmm?”
“I love you…so much.”
He smiled at me and whispered, “I love you too.” And he pressed his lips against mine and held me close to him. “Tiff…I have to go now, okay?”
I looked into his eyes wishing that we could just stay like this forever, and nodded as even more tears fell from my eyes.
“Tiff…you look like a wreck!” Tay smiled as he wiped my cheeks dry with his hand and pulled strands of hair out of my face.
“Gee, thanks for that confidence booster.” I laughed.
He smiled and me and held me tight in his arms. “Tiff, I love you. No matter what, that will never, ever change.”
“I know. I love you too.” I smiled weakly and kissed his soft lips one last time.
“We’re Captain Crash and the Beauty Queen from Mars, remember that.” He smiled.
“We can be oh so tragical, whatever…” I replied quoting the Bon Jovi song.
“You’ll find what you’re looking for…don’t worry.” He whispered as he disappeared.
‘What?’
****
I opened my eyes and saw Ike sitting at the foot of the bed gazing off into nowhere I rubbed my eyes and yawned. “What time is it?”
Ike snapped back into the real world and smiled at me. “2:30 am.”
“How long have you been sitting there?” I wanted to tell him about the dream…but I knew I couldn’t, yet.
“Uh…I have no idea actually. I woke up on the couch and came in here, sat down and drifted off into Lollipop Land, as you call it.”
I smiled and sat next to him. “Mind telling me what you were thinking about?”
“Dad, Zac, Tay…I still miss them so much.”
I looked at the floor and sighed, “Me too. Hard to believe it’s been 2 months now, huh?” Tears burned under my eyes as I thought about my dream and Taylor.
“Yeah.” He replied, barely above a whisper. Then he looked into my eyes and smiled. “I wonder how much Tay loves watching you in the shower.”
My jaw dropped and I slapped his shoulder. “You are such a dork!” I laughed.
“Yeah, I know.” He said cooly as he ran a hand through his hair.
I smiled and looked out the window. Within seconds, Zac was standing in front of us. My whole body tensed up, as did Ike’s. Zac smiled and mouthed the words “tree house” and the disappeared.
“Ike…” my voice was quivering, “Did you…?”
“Zac?”
“Tree house?”
We looked at each other and tears had filled our eyes. We had both seen him! He was really there!
Ike grabbed my hand, and we both ran out to the tree house. We didn’t understand why…but we knew we had to.
“Okay, Zac…why are we here now?” Ike asked quietly.
I sat down on the creaky floorboards as my dream ran through my mind. ‘You’ll find what you’re looking for?’ The words repeated in my head. “Ike…maybe there’s something he wants us to find.”
He gazed at me. “How do you know? Either way…it’s too dark in here to see anything.”
Taylor’s words continued to echo through my mind. “Maybe…it could be inside of us.”
“Huh?”
I sighed. I didn’t want to tell him…but I had to. “I had another dream with Taylor. He told me that I’d find what I was looking for…and then out of nowhere, Zac appears and tells us to come here. They have to have something planned.”
“God, why do I feel like I’m in some sick and twisted episode of Scooby-Doo?”
I smiled and looked around the dark tree house. My vision had adjusted so I could see…but barely. “We haven’t been in here in a long time.”
Ike sat down next to me and picked up one of Jessie’s old coloring books and smiled. “I know. I remember when we first built this place…” he drifted off and smiled. I smiled and rested my head on his shoulder. Taylor had told me all about it when he first brought me here. “So…Tiff…what do you think we’re looking for?”
“I have no idea. Well…what did we lose when…you know…”
“Besides them…I don’t know.”
“I think I lost hope…”
“In what?” He asked curiously.
“Everything…love, life…just everything.”
“I think I lost a sense of who I was…the passion I used to have…”
“Maybe that’s why we’re here. To find those. But…I don’t know if it’s possible to get those back in a single night.” Ike nodded, lost in thought. “Maybe…maybe that’s not what we’re supposed to find.”
“Damn, you’re confusing me!” Ike laughed as he wrapped an arm around me.
“Well, I’m confused too! Damnit!” I laughed. “Or maybe we don’t have to find anything. Maybe we just need to be here for something.”
“Make up your mind, woman!” Ike continued laughing.
“Oh, shut up!” I smiled and stuck my tongue out at him
“Hey! Don’t stick that thing out at me!”
“Oh, why not?”
“Cause this will happen!” He laughed as he pinned me down on the floor and tickled me.
“Isaac! My god!” I yelled, laughing, trying to push him off me.
After a few unsuccessful tries, I remember Taylor once telling me that Ike was more ticklish that I was. I grinned and began tickling Ike’s sides.
“Shit!” He yelled laughing as he rolled off me. I pulled myself on top of him, pinning him down and tickling him. Ike laid there for a few moments, not even fighting, pretending to be helpless. Then he grabbed my hands and held them tight in his.
“Hey! Damnit! I was having fun!” I laughed.
“Yeah, I know! I need some air!” He smiled and looked deep into my eyes. “You know…I’d probably be lost without you right now.” He said, seriously.
I smiled back at him. “Yeah, me too.”
He sat up as much as he could with me still on top of him, wrapped his arms around me tightly and kissed my cheek. I sighed and wrapped my arms around his neck, thinking about what Tay told me to do. ‘Listen to my heart? My heart belongs to Taylor…and he wants me to be happy with Ike? Has he lost it? Have I lost it? What the hell am I going to do?’
I rested my head on Ike’s shoulder as he began to rub my back with a hand. It felt strangely good. I sighed and kissed his cheek and stood up. “Let’s go back inside now,” I said as I grabbed both his hands and pulled him up.
As we walked back to the house, I looked behind me and saw Zac standing there, with his cute, devilish smile. “I miss you kid.” I mouthed.
“I miss you too,” he mouthed back. I smiled and grabbed Ike’s hand on impulse and continued walking back to the house. I really needed to think.
‘Man…what do I want to listen to?’ I thought to myself. The family was out shopping, and I decided to stay home and look after Zoë, and I was pretty bored. Zoë was asleep, and there was nothing on TV, so my last resort was a CD…but I wasn’t in the mood for any of them. Figures that I had to be in a Marilyn Manson mood.
Finally, I found my lunchbox that I kept all my Hanson CDs in that I took everywhere. I opened it up and saw This Time Around on top of the pile. I picked it up and stared at it for the longest time. ‘Should I listen to it?’ I opened up the case and took the CD out and put it into the stereo. I hadn’t listened to Hanson since the accident…and I still wasn’t really sure that I wanted to. It just tore me up inside just thinking about listening to it. I sat there for a moment before I pressed play. I laid back on the floor and rested my head on a pile of Zac’s old dirty clothes. ‘You Never Know’ started playing, and tears welled up in my eyes.
Just as the song ended, Ike walked into the room with a plastic bag and sat next to me. It took him a moment to realize what I was listening to. He sighed, then he looked at me and smiled. “You okay? Man…I never would have thought that our music was so bad that it would drive you to tears!”
I smiled. “No…it’s not bad…it’s that good.”
He smiled and wiped the tears off my cheeks as the chorus for ‘If Only’ started.
If only I had the guts to feel this way
If only you’d look at me and want to stay
If only I’d take you in my arms and say
I won’t go, ‘cuz I need you
We both sat silent, listening to the song and relating to it more than ever, but didn’t want to admit it.
“Oh, hey!” Ike said, breaking the trance we were in. “I got something for you!”
I propped myself up with my elbows and said teasingly, “Uh-oh…this can’t be good!”
He grinned and stuck his tongue out at me. He picked up the bag and set it on my stomach. “Well…it’s not good actually. It’s Dr Pepper, Pixie Stix, and your favorite movie of all time, courtesy of your friends at Blockbuster.”
I quickly sat up and pulled out ‘Interview with the Vampire.’ “Oh my gosh! Thanks, man! We have to watch this tonight! But you know…this is pretty dangerous stuff here.” It was true…all the sugar and the movie combined made me a hyper freak.
“Yeah, I know it is…but so are the clothes you’re laying on!” He laughed.
I smiled at him and sighed. ‘Man, this is going to be hard!’ I thought to myself.
“Okay, Tiff…what’s up?” He asked with a concerned tone. He was good at reading me like a book.
“Ike…” I stopped and took in a breath. We had become attached at the hip, and this was going to suck. “I’m gonna go home for a little while. I miss everyone back up there, and Jon is going to start middle school in a couple weeks, and…”
“Tiff, you don’t need to explain, really. I understand.” After a long silence, he asked, “When are you leaving?”
“Uh…4 days…Saturday.”
“Oh…okay.” I knew from the look on his face that he really did not want me to leave. We’ve been so attached in the past 2 ½ months, that we both knew being apart was going to suck.
“Hey, Ike…It’s only for a little while.” I said, trying to cheer him up a little.
“I know.” He gave me a weak smile. “I’m gonna go down to the studio for a little while.” Then he got up and walked out the door. He only went to the studio when he wanted to be alone.
‘Man, he’s good at making me feel bad!’ I thought to myself as tears filled my eyes. I got up and laid down on Tay’s bed and listened to him sing ‘Save Me.’
There was a thick silence in the car as Ike drove me to the airport. He didn’t want me to go home, and I didn’t want to go either, but we both knew that I had to.
****
‘Flight 208 to Grand Rapids is now boarding.’ Said a voice over the PA.
“That’s my flight. I better get going.” I said quietly.
“Yeah. Hey, Tiff?” he slowly replied.
“What?”
‘Just tell her!’ “Well, I’ve been thinking a lot about stuff for awhile…and I really need to tell you something…”
I held my breath. I knew what was coming.
“Tiff…I like you…I like you a lot, and I really want to be more than friends, but...I don’t know. I don’t know if you’re ready, I don’t know what Tay would…Tiff, I just don’t know. Maybe while we’re apart…maybe we can both just think about this, or something, and maybe…maybe we could, I dunno…give it a try? Maybe?”
I smiled at him and kissed his cheek. I felt tears coming into my eyes and tried to hide them the best I could. “Ike…that’s a big maybe…but, I guess we’ll see when I come back.”
Ike smiled, relieved that he finally got that out of his system. “Okay.” Then he kissed my cheek.
“Okay, I really gotta go now! I gotta get home!” We smiled at each other, hugged, and said our good-byes.
As I sat in my seat, I thought to myself, ‘What am I doing!?’ Then, Taylor’s voice said to me, “Listening to your heart…finally!” I smiled to myself. ‘Maybe he’s right.’
“God, it’s good to be home!” I said to myself as I set my bags on my bed. I looked around and saw that nothing had changed. It was a bit dusty, but that was okay. I picked up a framed picture of me and Taylor taken at Mike’s New Years’ party that I had next to my bed. The frame was perfect for the picture. I bought it at Hot Topic. It was metal, and engraved in it, it said, ‘Till Death Do Us Part.’ I still missed Taylor, and I still loved him…but he was right. I had to move on. I couldn’t spend the rest of my life missing out on what could be the best thing in my life. My heart broke at the thought of it…but I needed to move on.
“Hey, Tiff! You’re whole gang’s here!” My mom yelled from upstairs, breaking my thoughts.
“Okay!” I yelled back and set down the picture on my memorial to my favorite people who had died. I smiled. Somehow he looked perfect sitting in between Kurt Cobain and Jim Morrison. I smiled and ran up the stairs. Now I just needed to find a picture of Zac.
I walked into the living room and saw all my friends standing around, smiling, obviously happy to have me home…but in their eyes, I could tell that they still felt bad for me. I pretended I didn’t notice and smiled, and gave everyone hugs.
We all sat around and chatted for awhile about everything, just like we used to…but the subject of Taylor never came up, or it was avoided.
***
Later that evening after everyone but Mike and Nicole had left, we went down to my room and watched Dogma.
“You guys…I was pretty surprised no one brought up Taylor.” I said quietly munching on my popcorn.
Mike and Nicole looked at each other and sighed. They had both noticed that I moved the picture of us to the memorial, but even they were to scared to say anything.
“Tiff, it’s not exactly the easiest thing to talk about you know. We all loved him, and we all still miss him. And you loved him most of all…and we all just…we don’t really know what to say anymore.” Nicole replied softly.
“I know…but I feel like they think I can’t talk about it, ya know? Yeah, it’s hard, and the pain will never die…but god! I am not a baby! I can deal with it!”
“Maybe they can’t,” Mike whispered.