During the service, Ike held my hand, Mack sat in my lap, and Diana sat next to me with Avery on her lap and Jessie next to her. They wanted me to sit with them in the family seats. My eyes were glued to the 3 caskets that laid before me. Walker was in the middle, and Zac and Tay were on each side of him. I couldn’t bear the fact that they were all in those…those boxes…and not sitting with the rest of us around the dinner table chatting about the day’s happenings.
In the middle of the service, the preacher asked me and Ike to come up and sing a song for everyone. We had planned on singing ‘With You In Your Dreams’ instead of just having a recording of a song played. I slowly got up and sat Mackie down in the seat. I looked up at Ike as he wiped a tear from his face with the back of his hand. Never letting go of each other’s hands, we walked up to the microphone and began singing accapella.
If I’m gone when you wake up
Please don’t cry
And if I’m gone when you wake up
It’s not good-bye
Don’t look back at this time
As a time of heartache and distress
Remember me, remember me
Cause I’ll be with you in your dreams…
As I sang the words, I could feel Taylor speaking the same words to me. And from Ike’s grasp on my hand, I knew Zac or Tay was doing the same for him. I glanced over at Diana and saw that she had her eyes closed, as if she was drowning in the music…but she wasn’t. She was drowning in Walker’s words. Somehow I always had a 6th sense about things like this. I felt a shiver go down my spine.
****
Later that night when I finally fell asleep in Tay’s bed wearing a big T-shirt of his, I had the most vivid dream of my life.
I was walking outside to the old tree house in the backyard, and Tay ran up behind me, looking better than ever, and grabbed me around my waist and lifted me up in the air. Then, after a moment, he set me back down on the ground and I turned around to face him. We smiled at each other and he pressed his lips against mine and held me tightly in his arms. “Tiff, I miss you so much,” he whispered into my ear.
“I miss you too, Tay.” He smiled again and kissed my forehead and held me tightly in his arms and I rested my head on his shoulder and wrapped my arms around him as tightly as I could. I didn’t plan on letting go again either.
“I would give anything to be with you, Tiff, you know that. But…I can’t be there anymore…not in the way you’d like me to be.”
I began to cry. “Taylor…I need you…you can’t leave me like this…”
A few tears fell down his cheeks as he closed his eyes and held me even tighter. “I know…I know…and that’s what makes it so unfair. I love you more than anything…and I just wanted to hold you forever, and I can’t now. I need you just as much as you need me.”
“Taylor…I love you so much.”
“I love you too. But…sweetie…you still have other people that love you, that need you too.”
“Tay…nothing matters if I don’t have you.”
“Tiff…something matters and you know it.”
“No…Tay…”
“Love? That matters to you doesn’t it?”
I looked up at him. “You were the one thing that kept me going…the one thing I had to live for…and now you’re gone. Tay…I lost everything that mattered to me that day…”
“It was a bunch of things that kept you going, Tiff. Music, dreams, Kurt, me, Zac, and Ike and so much more.”
He was right…kind of. “Tay…you were my dream.”
“Dreams can change.”
“But hearts don’t”
He sighed and looked my in the eyes. “Tiffany, you know better than anyone else I had ever met, that heart’s don’t change, they just grow bigger and bring in more space for more people to fill. Tiff, you have got to move on. There is so much love inside of you, and someone is waiting for it, and you need to be around to give it to them.”
“Tay…”
“Tiff…you know I’m right.”
“Taylor…I don’t know if I can.”
He smiled at me and tilted my chin up with his hand. “Tiff, I know you can. If you fall, I’ll be your wings to help you fly again.”
I smiled back at him. I knew he wasn’t lying to me, he never lied to me. “Taylor…I love you. And I don’t think I’ll ever stop needing you.”
“I love you too. And you know…someone else needs you desperately right now.”
“Who?”
He chuckled. “Like you don’t know. Ike, you stupid-head.”
I laughed. “Oh…yeah I knew that!”
“Whatever you say.” He laughed.
“Tay?”
“Hmm?”
“When is the pain going to go away?”
He sighed and sat down, bringing me down into his lap and in his arms. “It’ll go away when it’s ready to.” Then he began to sing ‘I Will Come to You’ into my ear.
I sighed and nodded and rested my head against his shoulder and closed my eyes. I let everything about him sink into me. His smell, the feeling of him holding me, his voice…
“Tiff…Tiff…wake up!” Ike said sleepily.
“Ike, what is it?” I looked at the clock, 3 am. “It’s 3 in the morning!”
“I had a dream…about the accident…Tiff…it won’t go away.” He started to cry a little. ‘Wow…he does need me.’ I thought to myself. ‘He’s like a little boy…living in his worst nightmare.’
I sighed. “Get into the bed Ike, lay down and tell me about it.”
He wiped away the tears and laid down next to me. I sat up and held his hand and brushed back his sweaty hair off his face. “Tiff…you were there! I don’t need to explain it to you! The only difference is…I saw them…I watched them die.”
I drew in a deep breath. This was way hard on the poor guy…and here I was being selfish because I wanted Tay back just for me. He lost his family, his band, his dream, and his life. And I just lost a boyfriend. “Ike…I really don’t know what to say or do to make the pain go away. You lost half your family, and I don’t think that the pain could go away…and the fact that we were there…”
“…Makes it that much harder.” He finished.
“Yeah. But…you know that I’m right here for you. And I know for a fact that your brothers and your dad are watching over you and helping you whether you know it or not. It’ll be okay…really, it will.”
“Haven’t I heard that before?”
I smiled and squeezed his hand. “Ike…I had a dream about Taylor.”
I saw him smile a little from the moonlight coming into the room. “Tell me about it.”
“Well…he said he misses us and stuff like that. He yelled at me for not wanting to go on without him and that I still had something to live for…and that his big brother needed me.”
He was silent for a moment. “Why do I get the feeling that your dream may have been more than just a dream?”
“I don’t know. Maybe it was.” Tears began forming in my eyes, but I blinked them back. Just like Ike…I had a feeling that it wasn’t just a dream.
After a long silence, Ike said, “Wanna go watch some TV and get all this off of our minds?” I nodded and we went downstairs and turned on MTV.
After a couple videos, a quick MTV news brief came on. With our luck, it was about the accident.
‘The fatal crash a few days ago that killed the 2 youngest Hanson brothers, Taylor, and Zachary, and their father, Walker, still has unknown causes. The local PD believes that a deer ran out in front of the camper, causing Walker Hanson to swerve out of control. Others think…’
They began to show clips of the scene from days before. I heard screaming, and I soon realized that it was Ike and me. ‘Oh my god.’ I looked at Ike, “There were cameras there!?”
“I don’t…I didn’t know! I was so wrapped up in getting to you and…” he trailed off. He was as much in shock as I was.
I looked back at the TV just as they started a segment on the funeral, and showed some clips of people inside and outside the funeral home and Ike and I singing. Once again, I didn’t realize that there were cameras there either. Then they showed clips of people interviewing crying fans talking about how they felt about the deaths and how shitty everything was now.
‘And that’s it for this MTV news brief…’ Ike clicked off the TV. Without a single word we were in each other’s arms crying.
“Hey, Tiff, will you come down into the studio with me?”
“Umm…okay,” I slowly replied. It had been almost a month now since the accident, and neither me or Ike had been down in the studio since then, but we were all slowly getting back to our feet. I still hadn’t brought myself to listen to any of my Hanson CDs yet, though. And I still had dreams about Taylor every night…but the dreams were only memories Tay and I had together.
We slowly walked down the stairs to the garage studio. Memories were flooding back to us, but we both tried to push them out. “Ike…Why are we going down here?”
“I don’t really know. I just feel like I need to.”
I nodded as we reached the bottom of the stairs. I sat down in the closest chair and looked around. It still looked the same…but it was different. Taylor wasn’t sitting at his keyboard writing a new song, and Zac wasn’t banging on the drums. It was empty. I looked over at Ike who was sitting in a chair next to me, and I knew he was thinking the same thing.
After sitting in silence for a long time, I looked over at Ike’s guitar gathering dust in the corner. I jumped up and turned on the amp and started playing Nirvana’s ‘Big Long Now.’ Ike grinned and grabbed another guitar out of its case and plugged it in to another amp. Then he began to sing for the first time in a long time.
It’s not cold enough
Please put this side up
She is moving through
Can we show our faces now?
I’m not interesting
She’s not turning green
Shameful as it seems
Can we show our faces now?
In this climb
I am blind
Why can’t I hear?
Color blind
Speaking a phrase
Instantly grown
I am blind
Waiting in line…
“Told you I’d get you singing again!” I grinned.
“Yeah, well…Nirvana is a pretty big difference than the stuff I was playing with Tay and Zac.
“I know. But it’s just good to hear you sing again.”
He smiled. “Yeah…I still love to do it. It’s just not the same without the guys.” There was a long moment of silence. No matter how hard we tried…the pain still wouldn’t go away, but we had to learn to live with it. “So, what would you say to playing Blew?”
I smiled. Blew was one of my favorite Nirvana songs off of Bleach. “Sure!” I hadn’t played guitar in awhile, and neither had Ike and it was showing that we were rusty. If either of us still wanted to make music, though, we’d have to start practicing again.
Ike pulled the car up to a hill that overlooked the city, and we got out of the car, sat on the hood, and continued munching on out McDonald’s food. I looked up at the clear night sky and felt comforted knowing that Tay was up there somewhere. Ike and I had been hanging out all day at the mall searching for some good birthday presents for Jessie. It was going to be hard on her without her brothers and dad there this year.
“Man…I wonder why Tay never brought me here.”
“He didn’t!? Wow…I thought he did.”
I shook my head. “Nope. We’d usually go to a field or a beach or something and lay around and watch for shooting stars and talk about everything.”
“You two were good for each other.”
Tears began to burn under my eyelids. “Yeah, but not for long,” I muttered
Ike frowned at me and began to say something, but a song cut him off on the radio. Heart-Shaped Box started playing.
She eyes me like a Pisces when I am weak
I’ve been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks
I’ve been drawn into your magnet tar pit trap
I wish I could eat your cancer when you turn black
Hey! Wait! I’ve got a new complaint
Forever in debt to your priceless advice…
I smiled to myself and hummed along with the song, and drifted off into my Nirvana world for a moment.
“You know…this song reminds me of you.”
I opened my eyes and stared at Ike. Did he even know that this was a love song about Courtney? “How so?” I asked, almost scared about the answer. ‘God…what if he likes me…as more than a friend? Tay’s gone…but…still…Ike is his brother…!’ I thought to myself.
“Well, you know that I love you to pieces, and you helped me through so much with your ‘priceless advice’ and sometimes when I’m just breaking down inside, you can tell…and you would give me the same look Taylor would.”
I sighed with relief. “Wow, thanks…I guess.” I was still a little confused though. Love? He never said the word to me before! ‘Just leave it alone, Tiff.’ I told myself. But I couldn’t help but wonder…’why would it be so bad if Ike did like me as more than a friend? I mean, Ike is gorgeous, and sweet, and so much more, and yeah, of course I had always liked him…but he was also Taylor’s brother. Wouldn’t that be a sort of betrayal of one or both of our parts? Or would it be the way Taylor wanted it? Damnit! I still love Taylor…and I always will…but…but what if something happens with Ike and me? What then?’ The questions flowed through my mind like water…and I knew that I wouldn’t be getting any answers any time soon.
*ring ring*
“Hello?”
“Hi mom! What’s up?”
“Hey sweetie. Nothing, really. How are you doing?” she sounded worried, like most mothers would.
I sighed. “Better, I guess. It’s still pretty hard.”
“It’ll be alright honey. When will you be coming home? Your dog misses you like crazy!”
I smiled. I missed my dog too. I missed waking up and seeing his smiling, hairy face by my bed. “I miss my puppy, too. I don’t know exactly when I’ll be home though. Ike and company still kinda need me down here, and I just don’t…”
“Want to leave Tulsa because you feel closer to Taylor. Honey, I understand…you don’t need to explain. But I would like to have you home sometime, all your friends have been calling almost everyday since they found out about Taylor to see if you were alright.”
“Really? Well…umm…give them the number here and uh…tell them to just call if they want.” I thought about all my friends. I never realized how much I missed them!
“Will do. I gotta go now. Your brother wants to go rent some video games and I need to get him some new school clothes.”
“Okay. Tell everyone I said ‘hi’ and give them hugs for me okay?”
“Okay. I love you.”
“Love you too, mom. Bye.”
“Bye.”
I put the phone back down on the cradle and sighed. I missed everyone so much, but I had been so wrapped up in everything that happened, that I totally forgot about them. ‘Nicole must be so worried! Mike too! Maybe I should call them.’ I picked the phone back up and dialed Nicole’s number.
*Ring ring*
“Hello?” Nicole answered. She must have run to the phone because she was out of breath.
“Hey, Nicole! What’s up?”
“Nothing…just being worried about you! Why in the hell didn’t you call? Tiff, I was so scared that you did something stupid!”
I smiled. It was good to have Nicole yelling at me again, in her own worried way. “Nicole…I’m sorry. It’s just…I just…well…you know. It’s not exactly easy on me. And…I kinda did do something stupid…but it was in a moment of insanity that I didn’t even remember until Ike told me”
“Tiff…I know it’s hard. God, I still don’t believe that they’re gone. I can’t believe it!” Then she paused. “Wait…what did you do?”
I sighed and looked down at my wrist. The scars were pretty ugly. “I cut my wrist up pretty bad…I almost died from the cuts. It was when they were trying to take me away from Taylor. I didn’t want to live without him. I still don’t really know how I made it this far…maybe it was because Ike needed me or something…”
We sat there in silence for a long moment. I was waiting for her to yell at me about something, but she didn’t. “Tiff…I’m sorry.” I could tell she was fighting back tears.
Tears started to fall down my cheeks. “It wasn’t your fault…you don’t need to be sorry.”
“I know…but…god…why did this have to happen to you guys of all people?”
“I don’t know.”
“How’s Ike doing?”
I looked over at his bed where he was taking a nap. “He’s doing okay. He stopped playing and singing for awhile there…but I got him to start back up again…with Kurt’s help,” I smiled.
She chuckled a little through her tears. “Well, Kurt saves the day again”
“Yup. But…I still can’t believe how good Ike is doing. I thought he was gonna be a total wreck and turn to a rock cliché…but he hasn’t.”
“Maybe it’s because you’re there with him. You’re probably his last bit of sanity.”
“Maybe…but what about the rest of his family? It’s not like they didn’t help.”
“You never know. How is Diana doing?”
“She looks like she’s gotten 20 years older, but she’s doing better. The kids are fine, they know their brothers and dad are watching over them all the time now. It was a bit hard on Jessie on her birthday yesterday though. She wouldn’t say it…but you could just tell.”
“That’s so sad. God…I wish this didn’t have to happen.”
“You and the rest of us.”
“So…you’re doing alright?”
“Kinda. I still go to bed every night in his bed wearing one of his shirts. And I’m always looking through Zac’s sketchbooks and humming little funny songs he’d come up with off the top of his head to make me laugh when me and Taylor would get in a fight or something.”
“Yeah? Well…you’re doing better than I would.”
I chuckled a little bit. “Are you sure about that?”
“No…but still…”
I laughed. “You know what? You should get your ass out here sometime or something. I’m sure Ike wouldn’t mind seeing you again.”
“He probably doesn’t even remember me…but I’ll come anyway, sometime.”
“Cool. Hey…what’s going on with you and Andrew? You two still together?”
“Yeah. We’re doing good. He was jealous for awhile there though because of the…thing, and I was really upset and stuff. I practically ignored him for a little while.”
“Geez. Well…tell Mike I said ‘hi’ and next time you talk to him, and tell him that I’m all right and that I’ll call him sometime soon.”
“Okay. Tell Ike I said ‘hi’”
“K. Well…I gotta go. I’m gonna be helping Diana with dinner tonight.”
“Okey-dokey. I better talk to you later!”
I smiled. “Okay, mom. Bye.”
“Haha. Bye.”
I hung the phone up again and looked up at Ike. He was awake and watching me. “How long have you been up?”
“Since I heard you talking about me. Rock n Roll cliché, huh?”
I smiled. “Well, stuff like that happens you know. I wouldn’t have been surprised, and I wouldn’t have blamed you.”
“Okay, yeah, whatever!” He said with a smile. “So, was that Nicole?”
“Yeah…she says ‘hi’ and she’s glad to hear that we’re doing okay.”
He smiled and nodded and rolled to his back and put his hands under his head. “How’s she doing?”
“Good.”
“That’s good. Did you call your mom?”
“Yup. She’s still pretty worried about me, and looking forward to me coming home sometime soon, maybe.”
He was quiet for a moment, then asked, “When do you plan on going home?”
I gazed out the window and saw Avery and Mackie playing catch in the front yard. “I don’t know. I’m sure I overstayed my welcome by now…it’s been almost 2 months.”
“No…you know my mom loves having you around, and so do the kids.” Then he jumped off his bed and crossed the room and wrapped his arms around me. “And, I love having you around too.” Then he kissed my forehead.
‘Um…okay…he’s never done that before…’ I thought. “What was that for?”
He shrugged. “Dunno…came out of nowhere.”
“Um…okay, if you say so.” I suddenly felt uncomfortable. “Uh…I’m gonna go see if your mom needs any help with dinner yet.”
“Okay.” He nodded and slowly let me go. ‘Why don’t I just tell her, damnit!’ He shook his head and grabbed his acoustic guitar and without thinking began playing ‘Love Song’ for the first time since the accident.
****
‘Luke…I am your father.’
I smiled at the famous line. Ike and I were watching Star Wars…again. I looked over at Ike…he had fallen asleep on the couch. He looked so peaceful. I got up off the love seat and covered him with a blanket and kissed his forehead. I was surprised by my own action this time. ‘What the hell was that?’ I wondered. I shook my head and went to bed. I needed some sleep.