10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
7. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
6. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
5. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
4. Your "Grandpa" is Hugh Heffner.
3. You've just seen Grandma at rateyourrack.com
2. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
1. Kraft-matic Adjustable Bed set for "doggy style."

10. "Mad About Everything"
9. "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
8. "When Northern Alliances Attack"
7. "Just Shoot Everyone"
6. "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
5. "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black, Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
4. "My Two Baghdads"
3. "Judge Laden"
2. "Fresh Prince of Saudi Arabia"
1. "Malcolm in the Middle East"

10. Instead of rubber surgical gloves he wears oven mitts.
9. He keeps accidentally referring to himself as "the defendant."
8. After examining you, he says, "Now do me."
7. He thinks Eastern Medicine was developed in Brooklyn.
6. He keeps referring to your legs as "drumsticks."
5. His examination room is Room 201 at Motel Six.
4. He introduces you to his anesthesiologist, "Doctor Jim Beam."
3. Before surgery, he asks if you want this "to go."
2. After a rectal exam he says, "It was good for me...was it good for you?"
1. He thinks that "saline solution " is taking his yacht to Barbados for 3 weeks.

10. Polishing Vader's Helmet
9. Unsheathing the Meatsaber
8. Jumping to Delight Speed
7. Communicating with Red Leader
6. Lightsaber Practice with Captain Solo
5. Tinkering With the R2 Unit
4. Manually Targeting the Rebel Base
3. Performing the Jedi Hand Trick
2. Scratching Yoda Behind the Ears
1. Test Firing the Death Star

10. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
9. Is that you I smell?
8. How long do you plan to be 'almost there'?
7. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
6. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
5. Did I mention the video camera?
4. My old boyfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
3. And to think-I was really trying to pick up your friend!
2. I hope you're looking as good when I'm sober.....
1. You're good enough to do this for a living.

10. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
9. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
8. You go to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.
7. You rob Peter...and then rob Paul.
6. You finally clean under your cushions, hoping to find change.
5. At communion, you go back for seconds.
4. Your bologna has no first name.
3. Sally Struthers sends you food.
2. McDonalds supplies you with all your kitchen condiments.
1. At Christmas, you can't afford tinsel, so you wait for Grandpa to sneeze.

10. Her term of affection for you is "You Bastard."
9. She shaves your eyebrows off while you are asleep.
8. You don't work at the weather station, but some guy keeps calling to see if the coast is clear.
7. Your picture on her wall has darts in it.
6. She reads books like "Women are From Venus, Men Are Complete Assholes."
5. Instead of faking an orgasm, she fakes alzheimers.
4. When you call her, she answers your voice with, "Oh. It's only you."
3. She cancels your date because she has to clean out the septic tank.
2. She makes inquiries about going on the Witness Protection Program.
1. Her cat pees on you and she gives it a treat.

10. Strangers Have the Best Candy
9. Some Kittens Can Fly!
8.You Are Different and That's Bad
7. Dad's New Wife, Dave
6. POP! Goes the Hamster...and Other Great Microwave Games
5. Controlling the Playground: Respect Through Fear
4. What is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
3. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
2. Bi-Curious George
1.The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals...Hey! Let¹s Go Ride Our Bikes!

1. The black box is really a satellite TV de-scrambler.
2. The plane's wheels have gold rims.
3. You can pay for your tickets with food stamps.
4. First class and business class are classified as: 'The Bloods' and 'The Crypts'.
5. Power windows for fly-by shootings.
6. Pilot comes on the intercom and asks everybody for gas money.
7. The intercom chimes 'wazzup!, wazzup!' prior to announcements instead of 'ding ding'.
8. The pilot has to check in with his parole officer before take off.
9. The plane is doing doughnuts on the runway.
10. Your flight got cancelled 'cause the plane got repossessed.

10. You notice your car overheating before you drive it.
9. The swans in the park come in "original recipe" and "extra crispy".
8. The strawberries are ripe and the cab drivers are riper.
7. Pigs complain about sweating like humans.
6. You've been getting hot flashes, and you're a man.
5. The politicians take their hands out of your pockets to fan themselves.
4. You notice the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
3. You need a spatula and shoe horn to remove your clothing.
2. Your beer gut and big butt don't keep you from wearing shorts
1. You always smell like you're on the sixth day of your 'Five Day Deodourant'.

10. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop!
9. Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding.
8. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.
7. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss 101.
5. Bathroom Etiquette: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink!
4. Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts.
3. Romance: More Than a Cable Channel
2. Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What "Fourth Down and Ten" Means!
1. Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It!

10. "Faster than a speeding bullet" refers to your sexual performance.

9. Your motion to install wheelchair ramps in the secret headquarters keeps getting shot down.

8. You just installed a warning alarm in the Batmobile to alert you when you've been driving for more than a mile with the turn signal on.

7. No matter how much you adjust it, your Spandex costume won't hide he fact that you're wearing Depends.

6. You can only manage one "up and away" and even that requires a few Viagra.

5. Your current source of trouble is the way your sidekick's grandchildren are wrecking your lawn with their scooters.

4. In a 10-1 vote, the rest of the super heros have asked that you replace your bustierre and short shorts with something a little less revealing.

3. Rasping "I'm your worst nightmare, punk!" is WAY scarier when your teeth stay in place.

2. Your shrinking powers no longer have any effect on your prostate.

1. Your new arch-enemy? Irregularity.

10. Outgoing Personality --- Always going out of the office
9. Good Communication Skills --- Spends lots of time on phone
8. Work is First Priority --- Too ugly to get a date
7. Family is Active Socially --- Spouse drinks, too
6. Uses Logic on Difficult Jobs --- Gets someone else to do it
5. Meticulous Attention to Detail --- A nit picker
4. Has Leadership Qualities --- Is tall or has a loud voice
3. Keen Sense of Humor --- Knows a lot of dirty jokes
2. Career Minded --- Back Stabber
1. Loyal --- Can't get a job anywhere else

10. The 'Macy's One Day Sale' Flu.

9. The 'Drivers License Renewal Appointment 24-Hour' Virus.

8. The 'Friday-Afternoon-Start-The-Weekend-Early' Sudden Un- bearable Stomach Pains.

7. The 'I'm Looking for a New Job but I Want To Stay On The Payroll Until Then' Infection.

6. The 'My Boyfriend's Got the Week Off' Disease.

5. The 'I Need a Hair Cut and My Stylist Doesn't Make Evening Appointments' Bout of Influenza.

4. The 'There's No Federal Holidays for Two Months and I Want a Day Off' Sickness.

3. The 'It's Spring Break and I Want To Pretend I'm a Teenager Again' General Ailment.

2. The 'I've Screwed Up Royally and I Won't Come In To Face the Music' Terminal Illness.

1. The 'I Really Am Sick and I've Got The Doctor's Bills to Prove It' Infirmity

10. He shows up with a pair of nail clippers and a Ziploc bag
9. On the side of his mower you notice the stenciled silhouettes of 13 cats
8. Stops frequently to nap inside the grass-catcher
7. Always trying to impress you by stopping the mower blades with his head
6. You notice him shoving the last of his clothes into the mulcher
5. He's fascinated by the details of you home security system
4. Stops every couple of minutes to smoke some clippings
3. Somehow manages to mow the hood ornament off your Lexus
2. Turns a goat loose and says he'll be back in three weeks
1. He has no toes on either foot.

10. Your tinted windows are also known as Hefty Garbage Bags.
9. The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.
8. The hi-tech stereo system often requires a new needle.
7. The rear-view mirror says, "Objects in Mirror Are Better Than This Piece of Junk."
6. When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.
5. Traffic Watch warns other drivers what highway you're taking.
4. The sticker on the windshield says, "Batteries Not Included."
3. You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coal.
2. You can only go to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.
1. It's called a Rolls-Cunardly. It rolls down one hill and can 'ardly make it up another.

10. Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your green trampoline.
9. Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.
8. Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.
7. New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.
6. The amount of body hair found in the drain gives even Robin Williams a run for his money.
5. The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.
4. "DREDGE ME" spelled out in algae on the bottom.
3. You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.
2. Dr. Kervorkian seen filling IV bottles at pool side.
1. You haven't seen that much scum since last week's episode of The Sopranos.

10. Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead.
9. Nutra-sweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap.
8. Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs.
7. After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira.
6. Tried biting O.J. Simpson, but couldn't find any warm blood.
5. With all those crucifix-wearing Madonna clones, junior highs are suddenly off-limits.
4. It's impossible to find uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin.
3. Buxom wenches of old have been replaced by aerobicized "hardbodies."
2. No bat is safe with Ozzy Ozbourne around.
1. Sick and tired of being mistaken for Keith Richards.

10. P.M.S. - Learning When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
9. How To Fill An Ice Cube Tray
8. How Not To Act Like an Idiot When You Are Obviously Wrong
7. Understanding Your Financial Incompetence
6. Why It Is Unacceptable To Relieve Yourself Anywhere But the Bathroom
5. The Remote Control - Overcoming Your Dependency
4. Helpful Postural Hints For Couch Potatoes
3. How Not To Act Younger Than Your Children
2. The Attainable Goal - Omitting "F*ck" From Your Vocabulary
1. Fluffing the Blankets After Farting is NOT Necessary

She...
10. ...Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
9...Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
8...Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
7...Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot glass.
6...Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't find the left guard.
5...Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor pains.
4...Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
3...Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
2...Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed.
1...Thought that "Moby Dick" was a veneral disease.

10. You dance and it makes the band skip.
9. You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
8. You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
7. You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
6. Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
5. You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
4. You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
3. You could sell shade.
2. Your blood type is Ragu.
1. You need an appointment to attend an ' open house'.

10. I Had No Intention Of Havin' Your Baby Untill Push Came To Shove
9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight.
8. I'm Nicknaming You "T.W.A." 'Cause Our Relationship Just Ain't Takin' Off
7. I Took A Job As A Bra Salesman, 'Cause I Like Workin' With My Hands
6. We Named Our Son "Viagra", 'Cause He Keeps Me Up All Night
5. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
4. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now.
3. Keep The Skid Marks On The Race Track, Not In Your Drawers.
2. I Kissed Her Sweet Lips and Left Her Behind For You.
1. I Call My Gal "Peripheral Vision", 'Cause I Think She's Seein' Someone On The Side

10. You wake up face down on the pavement.
9. You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
8. Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
7. You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
6. Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
5. You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize you don'thave a waterbed.
4. You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
3. Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
2. You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
1. The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.

10. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."
9. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess Pamela Lee had two kids!!
8. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
7. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
6. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
5. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
4. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
3. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
2. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
1. "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water."

10. Texas Chainsaw Massacre 'n' Barbecue
9. Dawn of the Dead Sumbitch Who Stole My Pickup
8. Night of the Living Dog, Truck and Wife
7. Godzilla Versus Reba's Hair
6. Silence of the Beans
5. Little Bait Shop of Horrors
4. You Done Me Wrong, and Now I'm Blue and Decomposing
3. Friday the Eleventeenth
2. Chuck Norris in Concert
1. Mama, Don't Let Rosemary's Babies Grow Up to Be Cowboys

10. A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

9. In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

8. You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

7.In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

6. The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

5. Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

4. Check the washing instructions before purchasing any apparel to be warn camping. Buy only those that read "Beat on a rock in stream."

3. The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

2. It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

1. Effective January 1, 2001, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

10. "I can't legally use the ladies room until phase 3 of my sex change is complete".
9. "Oh my god, that's my husband on that Harley"!
8. (Scratching crotch) "Those little critters sure are itchy".
7. "All the women in my family get really fat after 40. Guess my turn is just around the corner"
6. "One more year and I'll be old enough to apply for a driver's license".
5. "Do you smell that? I think my colostomy bag is leaking again".
4. "A woman needs a good swat now and again".
3. "Can I borrow 50 bucks 'til my welfare check comes"?
2. (After farting aloud in restaurant) "Sorry, trouser cough..heh heh".
1. "Just let me call home for a minute. When you have eight of them, they tend to fight a bit."

10. "Ow... I banged my head! That really hurt! Hey... who are YOU?"
9. "I'm sorry, but there just isn't room in my life right now for both you and my vibrator."
8. "Dear Christine: By the time you read this I'll be a woman..."
7. "You're no longer the wealthy, gullible, and desperately lonely man I fell in love with."
6. "It's not *you*, it's me. Specifically, me would like to sleep with your sister."
5. "I feel as if I'm holding you back from all the other lives you could be ruining."
4. "I've got this disease... it's called herpigonasyphalaids. Very contagious."
3. "Less filling? I don't even know who you ARE anymore!"
2. "My penis, uh, fell off, and I, er, lost it... yeah -- on the subway, I think."
1. "We're just so different. I'm an introvert and you're a physically repulsive psychopath."

10. Oh I just couldn't, she's only sixteen.
9. You can't feed that to the dog.
8. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
7. Trim the fat off that steak.
6. My fiancé, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
5. Honey, did you mail that donation to Green peace?
4. Duct tape won't fix that.
3. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
2. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin'.

10. Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.
8. I think hairy butts are really sexy.
7. Hey, get a whiff of that one.
6. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
5. This diamond is way too big.
4. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
3. Wow, it really is 14 inches!
2. Does this make my butt look too small?
1. I'm wrong, you must be right again.

10. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.
9. The Sun is too loud.
8. You ask the drive-thru attendant if you can get your order to go
7. You and Reality file for divorce.
6. You can achieve a "Runners High" by sitting up
5. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you get some rest.
4. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
3. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
2. You keep yelling "STOP TOUCHING ME!" even though you are the only one in the room.
1. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before.

1. If you lay on your back at the beach, you look like a sundial.
2. Your face is very pale due to lack of blood;
3. When you walk into a sauna, everyone stands and applauds.
4. You begin to think your mother in law is pretty;
5. Everyone at the bank lets you go to the front of the line;
6. Compared to you, Pinocchio doesn't look like such a liar;
7. You always lose limbo contests;
8. You can make drawings in the sand without having to find a stick;
9. Because You sleep on your back, you had to remove the ceiling fan.
10. Lewinsky wants you to be President someday.

10. Your job requires you to wear a paper hat.
9. You consider professional wrestling a sport.
8. You know all the words to the Brady Bunch theme.
7. You don't buy National Enquirer at the checkout.... you subscribe.
6. You get unnecessary haircuts, just to have someone run their fingers through your hair.
5. You believe Oswald acted alone, except for the aliens behind the grassy knoll.
4. The first four digits of your girl/boyfriend's phone number are 1-900.
3. You really DO read Playboy/Playgirl for the articles.
2. You play the accordion.
1. You know all of the contestants names on 'Survivor'.

10. It's legal to play hockey professionally.
9. The puck is always hard.
8. The protective equipment is reusable.
7. It lasts a full hour.
6. You know you're finished when the buzzer sounds.
5. Periods last only 20 minutes.
4. A 2-on-1 and a 3-on-1 is not uncommon.
3. You can count on it at least twice a week.
2. Your parents cheer when you score.
1. The pads last for years.

1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.
2. There is no need for dice in roleplaying.
3. Intercourse is not a highway.
4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a "head start".
5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.
6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.
7. When she talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.
8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.
9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.
10. Great sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes.

10. "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help me Satan, Lord of Eternal Hellfire."
9. "Don't worry, Your Honor -- it ain't loaded."
8. "Oh yeah? You and what jury?"
7. "Is this gonna take long? 'I gotta run by the store and pick up some more formaldehyde."
6. "Liar! You couldn't have seen me, I was wearing a mask!"
5. "You Can't Handle The Truth...Naw, I'm just joking. Bring that bible back up here."
4. "You call these friggin' boneheads a jury of my peers?"
3. "Rape and murder? Absolutely not, Your Honor...at least, not in that order."
2. "Who died and made you Mr. I-Decide-The-Law?"
1. "Your Honor, with your permission, I'd like to play the race card now."

10. The Lords of the Dance
9. The Bitter and Self-Absorbed Grad School Dropouts
8. Delicate Hummels
7. The Promise Keepers
6. The Bullseyes
5. The Crotchety Out-of-Work Impeachment Managers
4. The Weakest Links
3. The G Street Webmasters
2. The Pig-Latin Ings-Kay
1. The Disciples of Tesh

10. It's A Shawl World After All
9. Wrinkle, Wrinkle, Little Star
8. Nursing Home On The Range
7. Weight's Up, Pussycat
6. The Ole Grey Hair, It Ain't What It Used To Be
5. Hot Flash Dance
4. I'm Old Woman, Hear Me Snore
3. I Haven't Got Time For The Cane
2. You Cellulite Up My Life
1. That'll Be The Day That I Dye

10. Instead of plucking her eyebrows, she shaves her back
9. In interview segment, says the person she admires most is RuPaul
8. Her talent involves impregnating Miss Brazil
7. "Reno" isn't her hometown, it's her last name!
6. Has an endorsement deal with Victor's Secret
5. When she gets lost on the way to the pageant, she won't stop and ask directions.
4. She's simultaneously competing in the Mr. Universe pageant
3. You've never heard of her country, "Transvestylvania"
2. When asked about her 5-foot 7-inch frame, she says, "let's talk about the 7 inches."
1. She's the only one who ain't sleeping with Donald Trump

10. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
9. When someone says "have a nice day," tell them you have other plans.
8. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
7. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
6. Fill-out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
5. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
4. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
3. Write a short story using alphabet soup.
2. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
1. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.

10. He can open your blouse by himself.
9. While suckling at one breast, he caresses the other.
8. He has developed a bad habit of flicking his tongue.
7. He keeps slipping dollar bills in your belt.
6. He uses your milk as creamer for his coffee.
5. Your birth control pills interfere with his acne medicine.
4. After each feeding, he has a smoke.
3. He frequently invites his friends over for dinner.
2. You feel an uncontrollable urge to listen to Dueling Banjos.
1. Beard abrasions on areola.

1. I be God. Don' be dissin' me.
2. Don' be makin' hood ornaments outa me or nothin' in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason--homey don' play that.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin' no goods.
9. Don' be frontin' like you all that, an no snitchin' on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nothin'.

10. Puff Boy-Ar-Dee
9. Pippy Puffstocking
8. Piddy Piddy Bang Bang
7. Howdy Diddy
6. P. Cougar Mellendiddy
5. P. Wah Diddy Diddy-Dum Diddy Doo
4. Milk Duddy
3. The Artist Formerly Known As Guilty
2. P. Blicity Stunt
1. J-Lonely

10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin
9. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker
8. According to plaque, "When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says"
7. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles
6. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon"
5. "Cloaking device" button only there because pilot's a "Star Trek" fan
4. Maybe not the best idea to write "Spy plane" on wings
3. The plane's sole security feature: an angry kitty
2. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water!
1. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva

10. "Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.
9. "Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.
8. "Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.
7. "Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.
6. "Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.
5. "ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.
4. "Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.
3. "Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.
2. "Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife and/or girlfriend.
1. "LAN" -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

10. When you request sex, she replies, "Wait 'til the Nyquil kicks in."
9. Gets very upset when the ashtray falls off your ass.
8. Actually answers when you ask, "Who's your daddy?"
7. Last time she screamed during sex was the first time she won at solitaire.
6. Only moans during commercial breaks.
5. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
4. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
3. During the act, she screams, "Oh, baby, yadda, yadda, yadda!"
2. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
1. Instead of asking to leave her shirt on, she wants to leave her pants on too.

10. You've hit on somebody in a VD clinic.
9. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.
8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.
7. You think the play The King and I is about Elvis.
6. You see a sign that says, "dip in road" and you stop to see what flavor it is
5. You think "Hooked on Phonics" is a fishing show.
4. You have ever tried to use food stamps to mail a watermelon
3. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
2. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.
1. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of home improvements.

10. You looked much younger in your photograph.
9. Oops sorry, wrong hole.
8. Do you mind if my friends' watch?
7. Hand me that toothpick - I have an unwanted pubic hair...
6. Of course that's fully erect!
5. Shall I leave the money on the dresser?
4. Maybe I should turn the light out after all.
3. Do you have any more Bourbon? I think the first lot is wearing off.
2. My last girlfriend liked it that way too - but her legs went higher.
1. Whadaya mean "use your cock"? That *is* my cock!

10. Available in two terrific flavors: 7" Up and Mount 'n' Do.
9. The wife's pouring it on your corn flakes.
8. Its theme song is "I'd Like To Teach The World To Schwing."
7. As you walk away from the recycling bin, you can hear the cans un-crushing themselves.
6. When you shake it up, it pays you 50 dollars.
5. New, surprisingly-graphic 7-Up label banned in 37 countries.
4. The fast food kid's remark: "Oh, it'll be supersized, alright."
3. When you dump a cooler of it over your coach's head, his hair goes all Don Kingilly.
2. The Pepsi Challenge now involves a stopwatch, 2 quarts of Mazola, and the Rockettes.
1. Severe headache, upset stomach, blue-tinted vision...
oh wait, that's just regular ol' Diet Mountain Dew.

10. No beanies or babies harmed in the manufacture of this product.

9. Warning: This fad will disappear in 6 weeks.

8. Warning: This toy produces substantially less childish glee in real life than it does in the TV commercial.

7. Some dismemberment may occur.

6. Do not purchase this toy at all. Put it back on the shelf! NOW!! Just walk away, timid little man.

5. Do not stare at product. Hey! You're doing it now! Cut that out!!

4. In case of breakage, scream until dad buys a replacement.

3. Not to be taken internally, literally or seriously.

2. NOTE: The makers of "Queen Amidala's Naboo Dream Palace" assume no responsibility for the quality of the movie which spawned it.

1. Some assimilation required. Resistance is futile.

10. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
9. You are proud of your lawnmower.
8. You make everyone be quiet during weather bulletins.
7.You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
6. Your ears are hairier than your head.
5. You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.
4. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. Your high school diploma is the color of buttermilk.
2. You have to get a fire permit to light your birthday candles.
1. You've seen Halley's Comet ... twice.

10. Your neighbors find you digging for nightcrawlers in their flowerbed and you insist it's "just a midnight snack."
9. You suspect that Aunt Betty and Grandpa George are forming an alliance against you.
8. You hold a reward challenge to see who gets that extra large can of Alpo dog food.
7. You call your wife on a cellular coconut
6. You fill your entry hall with hot coals.
5.You tell you boss to "Get a liposuction and catch more fish."
4. Your son's hamster starts looking pretty tasty.
3. You get a raise at work and before you know what you're doing, you're halfway through "The Richard Dance."
2. You find yourself making a speech about snakes and rats at a board meeting.
1. Every night before bed, you hold a tribal council to see which kid gets kicked out of the house.

10. Reading in Braille
9. Riding the clitorisauras
8. Romancing thy own
7. Roughing up the suspect
6. Self-guided tuna boat tour
5. Unbuttoning the fur coat
4. Devil's Handshake
3. Polishing the little pink pearl
2. Ticklin' the taco
1. Dis-honorable Discharge

10. CEO frequently overheard mumbling, "Eeny-Meeny-Miney-Moe...."
9. Dr. Kevorkian hired as "Transition Consultant...."
8. Windows 98 shutdown screen reads, "It's Now Safe to Start Looking for Work...."
7. Company softball team down-sized to chess team...
6. Sudden proliferation of teen-age geek interns...
5. Your boss keeps asking you when he can "show your cubicle...."
4. Company president now driving a Hyundai...
3. Annual Christmas party moved from Sheraton banquet room to abandoned Fotomat booth.
2. Giant yard sale in front of corporate headquarters...
1. Company dental plan now consists of pliers and string...

Men are like.....
Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.

Men are like.....
Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like.....
Bike helmets. Handy in an emergency, but otherwise they just look silly.

Men are like.....
Government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like.....
Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like.....
Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.

Men are like.....
Bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like.....
High heels. They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.

Men are like.....
Curling irons. They're always hot, and they're always in your hair.

Men are like.....
Shoes. Women like the ones with long tongues.

10. Pass My Shotgun
9. Psychotic Mood Shift
8. Pack My Stuff
7. Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
6. Perpetual Munching Spree
5. Puffy Mid-Section
4. Pardon My Sobbing
3. Pimples May Surface
2. Pass My Sweatpants
1. Pissy Mood Syndrome

10. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In The Bed
9. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissing You Goodbye
8. Her Teeth Were Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
7. I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life
6. Don't Cut Through The Wheat Field Darlin', You're Goin' Against The Grain
5. I Would Have Wrote You A Letter, But I Couldn't Spell Yuck
4. I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You
3. They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can't Stop My Face From Breakin' Out
2. I've Got The Hungries For Your Love And I'm Waiting In Your Welfare Line
1. If You Don't Leave Me Alone, I'll Go And Find Someone Else Who Will

10. She retains more water than Lake Superior.

9.. She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.

8.. She buys me a new T-shirt with a "bulls eye" on the front.

7. She stops reading Cosmo and starts reading Guns and Ammo.

6. She's suddenly developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.

5. She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semi-automatic and "chambers a round."

4. She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding her broom.

3. She buys $100 worth of chocolate and justifies it by saying "But honey, I just know it's one of the major food groups."

2. When I ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says, "All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"

1. She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets, and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Caffine-free Coke.

10. "Eagle? I thought you said BEAGLE."
9. "We're all out of red, so I used pink."
8. "There are 2 O's in Bob, right?"
7. "Sorry, sir, your chest will only hold the bottle dinghy."
6. "That call was for you. Hope you meet someone else named Tahiti Sweetie."
5. "Gosh, I hate it when I get the hiccups."
4. "Anything else you want to say? You've got plenty of room back here."
3. "I'll bet you can't tell I've never done this before."
2. "The flag's all done and, you know, the folds of fat make a nice waving effect.
1. Ooooooops!

10. You want to be cremated just so you can spend the rest of eternity in a coffee can.
9. You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
8. Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.
7. Your only source of nutrition comes from "Sweet & Low."
6. You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.
5. Your taste buds are so numb you could drink your lava lamp.
4. Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
3. You're offended when people use the word "brew" to mean beer.
2. You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
1. You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

10. Are thee at barn-raisings often?
9. If our religion didn't forbid the use of telephones, I would ask thee for thy number.
8. Can I buy thee a buttermilk colada?
7. You've really got the build for that plain bonnet and shapeless black dress.
6. Say, my favorite movie is Witness, too!
5. Are thee a model?
4. There are so many phonies at these quilting bees. Let's go someplace quiet.
3. Thy buggy has a cool lacquer job.
2. Thou art the fairest of all your 16 sisters.
1. Are thee up for some plowing?

10. "You look even better in person than you did on America's Most Wanted."
9. "Nice teeth. They'd look so much better on my the floor of my cell."
8. "Who wants to marry a multiple murderer?"
7. "Did you order the Soap Drop soup?"
6. "Hold still while I staple this centerfold to the back of your head."
5. "That orange jumpsuit really brings out the red in your freshly-healed knife wound."
4. "You're new here, let me debrief you and introduce you to the penal system."
3. "Care to give Prisoner Johnson a weekend furlough?"
2. "If looks could kill, you'd get 25 to life."
1."Is your name 'Escape Tunnel'? Because I've been digging you all night."

10. Your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.
9. You believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.
8. You carried a fishing pole into Sea World.
7. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
6. Your tires are so big, You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
5. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
4. Your school fight song is "Duelling Banjos."
3. You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
2. You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
1. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

10. An airplane will kill you quickly...a woman takes her time.
9. Airplanes like to do it inverted.
8. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
7. An airplane's thrust to weight ratio is higher.
6. An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.'
5. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection.
4. Airplanes come with manuals.
3. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits.
2. You can fly an airplane any time of the month.
1. Airplanes have a small cockpit.

10. Your annual breast exam is conducted at Hooters.
9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."
8. The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
7. The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
6. The only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "An apple a day."
5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.
4. "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.
3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.
2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little "M"s on them.
1. You ask for Viagra; you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

1. You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com
2. You turn off your modem and get this empty feeling, like you just pulled the pin on a loved one.
3. You start introducing yourself as "Jon at AOL dot com"
4. Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
5. All of your friends have an @ in their names.
4. You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
3. You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.
2. You ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a commode.
1. You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.