"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked bikers are climbing up toward my bedroom window."

"This is the Fire Department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the Police Department."

"No, it's you I want," she yelled. "They need a longer ladder!"

There was a woman who had just gotten married for the 4th time and was on her honeymoon. She told the new groom that he had to be very gentle with her since she was a virgin.

"What do you mean?" said the groom.

"Well," she explained, "my first husband was a psychiatrist, so all he wanted to do was talk about sex.

My second husband was a gynecologist, so all he wanted to do was examine me.

My third husband was a stamp collector ... boy, do I miss him."

A golfer hits a wicked slice off the tee that ricochets through the trees and into the next fairway narrowly missing another golfer.

When the first golfer gets to his ball, he is greeted by his unintended victim who angrily tells him of the near miss.

"I'm sorry, I didn't have time to yell fore," says the first golfer.

"That's funny" replies the second, "you had plenty of time to yell 'Oh, shit!"

Four old golfers are pounding their balls around the links when a sudden thunderstorm pops up. >>ZAP<< A bolt of lightning kills all four in one stroke. Soon, they find themselves at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter is all upset, papers flying in the air, "You guys aren't supposed to be here yet. It's not your time! I'll tell ya what...I can put you all back on Earth to finish out your days, but you have to decide how. That is, everyone down there already knows you're all dead, so I can't send you back as who you were. Figure it out amongst yourselves and I'll check back with you later."

Some time goes by and St. Peter returns, "Well, have you decided how you want to go back?"

One of the golfers steps forward, "St. Peter, we've decided that we all want to go back to earth as lesbians."

"Lesbians!" St. Peter shouts, "why lesbians?"

"Well, sir, we all love to eat pussy and we wanna hit from the red tees."

My wife was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs.

She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately...
but I didn't know you were so worried about it!

A very distinguished looking, elegantly-dressed individual hails a taxicab.

The cabbie says, "So where do you want to go to?"

The fare replies, "My good man, I am a professor of the English language, and you have just committed an egregious faux pas. It is grammatically incorrect to end a sentence with a preposition. As you may or may not know, the word "to" is a preposition. I implore you to correct this embarrassing error - please try to reconstitute the sentence in such a way that it does not end with the word "to," I beg of you."

The cabbie looks at the man for a moment, and then says "All right. So, where do you want to go to - asshole?"

Two Columbia Yuppies, neighbors for years, were constantly trying to "out-status" each other, The first man mentioned that his daughter had just been accepted at Vassar.

"That's nice," replied the other, "but the main thing the girls really learn there is fornication."

The first man became irate and said, "I'll have you know my wife attended Vassar!"

The neighbor smiled and said, "Take it from me pal, she certainly could use a refresher course."

Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army.

On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head.

On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth.

On his third day, he was issued a jock strap...

The Army is still looking for him.

A former prostitute with a rather well-used vagina that has been somewhat stretched is given a proposal of marriage by a man she meets in a bar one night. She thinks it over, and she decides to accept his proposal.

Her private parts are somewhat oversized from her former occupation, but she decides to approach the problem after they are married.

On their wedding night, she explains the problem by saying that when she was a small child, she got her privates caught on some barbed wire while climbing over a fence, explains why her vagina is so big.

They make wild and passionate love for most of the night, and in the early hours of the morning, her husband, after regaining his breath, turns to her and says, "I can understand your private parts being stretched by this barbed wire, my dear, but just how far across the field were you before you noticed?"

10. Every Sunday he turns the children's sermon into his own private tent revival.
9. Has the altar boys wearing micro-mini-robes.
8. When did "Thank Heaven for Little Girls" make it into the hymnal?
7. Asks that you act out your confession.
6. Has the entire "Altar Boys Gone Wild" video collection.
5. Communion ceremonies now include a swimsuit competition.
4. Penance given at confessions involves handcuffs and a Polaroid camera.
3. He can't say "rectory" without stuttering and breaking into a sweat.
2. When the kids got back from summer camp, they all had "Father Callahan's Bitches" tattoos.
1. Moans softly during circumcisions.

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

The nurse asks him,"Charlie what are you doing?" And Charlie replies, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, Well Charlie, how you doing?" Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago" Great," replied the nurse.

The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!" Bob says... "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"

A recent study was done by USA Today to determine the post popular position for sex amongst married couples.

The results showed, overwhelmingly, that it happens to be "doggie" style.

He sits up and begs, while she rolls over and plays dead.

A Pfizer Inc. spokesperson announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use 'as is' or as a mixer.

Pepsi's proposed ad campaign claims:
"It will now be possible for men to pour themselves a stiff one."

Obviously, we can no longer call this a 'soft drink'. This additive gives new meaning to the names of highballs and cocktails.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of "Mount and Do."

Medical ethics experts are still struggling with the question as to whether or not it's fitting for young male gynecologists to keep looking up old girlfriends.

There was a guy who loved his girlfriend so much, he decided to have her name tattooed to his dick. It said "WY" when it was soft, and "Wendy" when it was hard.

A few months later, the couple got married. For their honeymoon, they went to an island resort. While there, they decided to go to a nude beach. When the guy was on the beach, he saw a local man with the letters "WY" on his dick, too!

He went up to the native and asked, "Hey, is your girlfriend's name Wendy, too?"

The man replied with a thick Island accent,
"No, mine says, 'Welcome To the Island, Have A Nice Day.'"

Young Zeke was on his way home from the market when he saw a girl from the next farm and offered her a ride.

Pretty soon, they came to a clump of trees, and she asked him to stop.

Seeing that he was bashful, she took his face in her hands and kissed him. Then she asked, "Do you want to go a little farther?"

He said, "Yep, Get up Betsy.

"So they rode a little farther, and she asked him to pull up at another shady spot. Then she took one of his hands and placed it inside her bosom and his other hand on her thigh, and asked. "Do you want to go a little farther?"

Again he said, "Yep get up Betsy.

" So, when they stopped at the third bushy place, she reached over and opened his fly and took his pecker out. She spread herself before him and asked, "Now do you want me to put it in for you?"

He replied, "Ya better... My paw would kill me if I came home with it hanging out."

There is a merry family gathering with all generations around the table. The little children sneak a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink. After a while, Grandpa excuses himself because he has to go to the bathroom.

When he returns, however, his trousers are wet all over.

"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.

"Well," he answers, "I had to go to the bathroom. I took it out, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"

A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows. The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like to hold my hand?"

"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

They walked a little further and the girl said, "Would you like to kiss me?"

"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump, the girl looked at the boy and asked, "Would you like to go all the way with me?"

"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes! But how did you know? By the gleam in my eye?" he asked.

"No," replied the girl, "By the tilt in your kilt."

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time. A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.

"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"

This British explorer is in the dark jungles of Africa, going where no man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and troubleshooter in one.

One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in "playful activities" with 8-9 beautiful, dark, young women, all in the nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the Britisher had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was.

"He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir," came the reply. "This is his morning ritual."

"Ask him," the awed Brit said to his companion, "how did his penis get to be this size?"

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

"Well, what did he say?" asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

"He said, 'There's nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn't the white man's shrink in cold water?'"

What's the difference between a woman's zipper and a mans zipper?

When a woman unzips her pants her brains don't fall out!!

On the way upstairs to her room, the prostitute said not a word to her customer. He finally said, "Are you hostile tonight?"

She replied, "Missionary-style, doggy-style, hos-style, whatever turns you on!"

The other day I met a good friend of mine who is a genetic engineer. He was happy to tell me about his job. His latest project is the splicing of DNA from different species of birds.

First he combined the DNA from a pheasant and a hen.
It worked! He called it a "Phen."

Next he successfully combined a pheasant and a goose.
He called it a "Phoose."

Yesterday, he explained, he finally was able to mix a pheasant and a duck.
He called it... "Charlie."

Two blondes are having lunch catching up with each other's news.

"I heard you've given up smoking, is it true?"

"Yes, I haven't had a cigarette in almost two months."

"But you were such a heavy smoker, you must tell me your secret. I've tried everything to quit."

"Well it's really quite simple. Every time I get the urge to smoke a cigarette, I suck on a LifeSaver instead"

"Well that's easy for you, but I don't live near the beach"

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.

"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"

"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding--but it is a matter of life or death."

"Oh, really? How's that?"

"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."

"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."

"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."

Three men were complaining about how their athritis was very bad. The first man said: "My hand skakes so much that this morning I cut myself while I was shaving".

The second old man said: "That's nothing... I was trimming my hedges and my hand shook so much that I ended up cutting off the petals from the flowers".

The third old man said: "What are you complaining about? I went to piss this morning and the way my hand shakes so much, I came three times."

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

A guy walks into a brothel and tells the madam he wants three girls for a hot orgy. The next morning the madam informs the gentleman that there will be no charge. Very happy, he leaves.

A few days later he returns, and again tell the madam that he would like three girls for the evening. In the morning the madam presents him with a bill for $1,000. Confused the man asks, "I don' t understand, on Tuesday it was free."

"That's right," replies the madam, "but on Tuesdays we're on national live TV."

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet.

"What's this," she asked.

"Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!"

Nina and Rosey were always trying to get the other's goat and today they were meeting for lunch together.

Nina noticed thar Rosey was walking stiffly and asked what the problem was.

Rosey replied, "Oh nothing. It's just that if my husband were any bigger I couldn't take it."

Nina replied, "I know ! I know !"

The fisherman called his guide on his mobile phone to make arrangements for the following day.

"I am going fishing and I need two punts and a canoe", he said.

When he arrived, there were two tarty looking women waiting for him at the fishing lodge. "What's the bloody hell is this?", he asked his guide.

"Well", replied the guide, "when you phoned, I was in the bar and there was a great deal of noise on the line. I managed to get a couple of the local ladies, but what in the hell is a panoe?"

Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are.

The first mouse slamss a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and f*ck the cat."

A young man went into a sex shop to buy some condoms and a sales girl approached him.

Sales girl: Can I help you, Sir?

Young man: Yes, I want to buy some condoms.

Sales girl: What size do you need, Sir?

Young man: I didn't realize they came in different sizes. I don't know what size I would need.

Sales girl: May I hold your penis to tell what size you would need?

As she was holding the penis, she called for assistance: "Give me a SMALL one... Wait! Make it MEDIUM...Wait! Make it LARGE... Oh Shit! Give me a TISSUE!"

Having had one drink too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display a nasty side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey! How about it babe? You and me?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch?

A young boy approaches his father and asks, "Hey, Dad, do you know how old I am today?"

"No, son, how old are you?"

"I'm eleven!" says the proud, young boy.

Then, the young boy goes into the kitchen and asks his grandmother, "Hey, Grandma, do you know how old I am today?"

"Come closer, dear."

The youbg boy obliges. The grandmother unzips his pants and reaches her frail arm into his underwear. She fondles him for a brief minutes and then says, "You're eleven, dear."

"How could you tell, Grandma?"

"I heard you tell your father, dear."

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, that should take care of that problem. You can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway around the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Men and women are different in the morning.

The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you.

And the women are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?'

It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as kids... I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by thetime you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there's nothing' left but lips and a briefcase..."

The bar room was crowded. All of a sudden, the cute little thing on the stool began to cry.

The barkeep asked, "What's the trouble, Sweetie?"

She sobbed, "I'm a virgin, and my boyfriend won't have anything to do with me because I'm inexperienced. What should I do?"

Three men and a Lesbian were killed in the rush.

Have you anything to say or yourself," the judge said to the hard-bitten defendant after hearing the case.

"F*ck all," muttered the defendant.

"What did the fellow say?" asked the old judge who was a little hard of hearing.

The clerk spoke close to the judge's good ear. "He said 'f*ck all!' your worship."

That's strange," replied the judge. "I'm sure I saw his lips move."

Three buddies decided to take their wives on a week-long vacation to Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, the men sat around at break and discussed their vacation.

The first guy said, "I don't think I'll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my wife flings her arms and hollers, '7 come 11' all night, and I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

The second guy said, "I know what you mean. My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there, and she slaps the bed all night and hollers, 'Hit me light' or 'hit me hard!' and I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

The third guy said, "You guys think you have it bad! My wife played the slots the whole time we were there, and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters."

The Top Ten Names For Bill Clinton's New Talk Show

10. My Current Affair
9. Sax, Lies and Videotape
8. Politically Erect
7. The "Man, I'm Horny!" Show
6. Facial the Nation
5. The "Tonight's the Night" Show!
4. Pardons He Wrote
3. Uncle Bill's Casting Couch
2. Will & Disgrace
1. Whose Loin Is It, Anyway?

One night a wino was wandering the streets looking for a place to sleep for the night. He was so tired that he ended up crashing in the parking lot of a gay club.

That night two drunk patrons are walking to their car and see the wino crashed out by the back dumpster. They walk over to him, flip him over and start doing him up the ass. When they are done they slip $10 in his pocket and walk away.

The next morning the wino wakes up and finds $10 in his pocket. He rushes over to the nearest liquor store and says, "Give me $10 of your cheapest liquor!" The clerk obliges.

That night he falls asleep in the same parking lot. At the end of the evening the same two patrons walk out of the bar and see him again. They walk over to him, flip him over and start doing him in the ass, but this time they leave $20 for him.

The next morning the wino finds the money and goes to the same liquor store and says, "Give me $20 of your best liquor."

The clerk looks at him and says, "You could get more if you get the cheap stuff."

The wino replies, "I know, but that cheap shit makes my ass hurt."

There were three little babies sitting next to each other in shopping carts in the grocery store.

The first little baby said, "Ugh, the worst thing in the world -- my mom just bought pablum!"

The second baby said, "Well, this is worse -- my mom just bought strained peas!"

The third baby said, "You think that's bad. How would you like to share a tit with a guy that smokes cigars!"

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.

The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered " You've got to keep that old motor running." The following year she gave birth again.

The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man."

He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said, "Well, you had better change the oil. This one's black."

This couple had been dating for about six months, but the guy had been afraid to make any sexual advances because of his tiny organ.

Finally one night, he gets up his courage, and takes her to a secluded spot in his car.

While they are kissing, he opens his zipper and guides her hand onto his penis.

"No thanks," the girl says. "You know I don't smoke."

A guy and a girl want to have sex. They go to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer."

With this, the two get onto the top bunk and start having sex. First, the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!" Then, she shouts, "Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!" Then, she changes back to, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"

Finally, the girl's sister yells, "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there? You're getting mayonnaise all over me!"

It has come to the attention of researchers of the Food and Drug Administration that previously unanticipated complications result when Viagara is taken along with Ex-Lax.

Both products tend to act together and magnify the effects of the other.

After a while, you don't know if your comming or going.

Chris gets a call from his buddy John one day, and John is on the phone crying.

Chris asks, "John, what's wrong? You sound really upset."

"Well," replies John, "my wife's been cheatin' on me."

"With who?" asks Chris.

"The neighbor," replies John.

"That damn dirty slut!" says Chris.

"Yeah," replies John, "you think I'm upset, you should've heard how upset the neighbor's husband was."

10. I Know You Done Your Sister Last Summer
9. Turn Her and Hooch
8. Urban Cow, Boy!
7. I Am Curious, Ol' Yeller
6. Nine and 1/2 Teeth
5. The Silence of the Sheep (God Willing)
4. Deep Goat
3. Crouchin' Brother, His'n Sister
2. Auntie Get Your Gums
1. The Girl Who Could Not Run Faster Than Her Brothers

In a small town in Tennessee, Big Bubba decides it's time for his son, 14 year old Billy Bob, to learn the facts of life. He takes him to the local house of ill repute, which is fronted by a beauty parlor.

Bubba introduces Billy Bob to the madam, and explains that it's time for his indoctrination to sex."

The madam says, "Bubba you've been such a good customer over the years, I'm going to see to your son personally."

So the madam takes Billy Bob by the hand and leads him upstairs, where she completes his deflowering.

Later, as they are walking downstairs the madam says, "Since this is your first time, I'm going to see that you get the full treatment before you leave, I'm going to give you a manicure too."

Two weeks later Bubba and Billy Bob run into the madam on the town's main street.

Billy Bob is acting a little shy, so the madam smiles and says, "Well, Billy Bob, don't you remember me?"

"Yes ma'am the boy stammers, "You're the lady that gave me the crabs and then cut off my fingernails so I couldn't scratch 'em."

Two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon. While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said, "I just have to go to the bathroom. Be back in a minute."

Five minutes later the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky egglige, wiping her hands up and down her smooth, ovally body.

Instantly, the male egg slapped his hands on the top of his head, covering it completely. The female egg looked at him and asked what he was doing. He replied, "The last time I was this hard, someone cracked me on the head with a spoon!"

Three daughters all get married on the same day. After the wedding they all went back to the hotel. That night the mother thought that she would go and snoop around.

At the fist door the girl was crying. At the second door the girl was laughing. At the third door there was no sound at all.

The next morning all four of the women were eating breakfast. The mother said to the first one, "Why were you crying last night?"

She replied, "It hurt."

She asked the second daughter "Why were you laughing so hard last night?"

She said, "It tickled."

Then she asked the third daughter "Why it was so quiet in her room last night?"

The daughter replied, "Well Mom, you always told me not to talk with my mouth full."

A girl walks into a bar and asks for a Manhattan with a plum in it.

The bartender says, "You mean a cherry."

She says, "No, I mean a plum."

The bartender says, "Look lady, I've been tending bar for 20 years and you're the first person that's ever asked for a manhattan with a plum. Where did you ever get that idea?"

She said, "Well, about 3 years ago I lost my cherry, and I've been plumb crazy ever since!"

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...".

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you".

Mr. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell him his wife's been in a terrible car accident.

He rushes to the hospital, runs in to the ER. They tell him Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out to the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mr. Jones. "Mr. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes sir, what's happened? How is my wife?"

The doctor sits next to him and says, "Not good news. Your wife's accident resulted in two fractures of her spine."

"Oh my God," says Mr. Jones, "what will be her prognosis?"

"Well, Mr. Jones, her vital signs are stable. However, her spine is inoperable. She'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed her."

Mr. Jones begins to sob.

"And you'll have to turn her in her bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia and bed sores ."

Mr. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly.

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper her as she'll have no control over her bladder and of course these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mr. Jones begins to shake as he cries, sobs, wails.

The doctor continues: "And you'll have to clean up her feces on a regular basis as she'll have no control over her sphincters. Her bowel will engorge whenever and quite often I'm afraid. Of course you must clean her immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent she'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mr. Jones is convulsing , sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then Dr. Smith reaches out his hand and pats Mr. Jones on the shoulder "Hey, I'm just fucking with you... she's dead."

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.

As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."

The old lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me,

So, the old lady figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what the old lady turned into?

The first motel she came to.

Two little girls are playing with a ball in the garden. The ball rolls under a nearby bush so Little Susie crawls under to get it out. Unfortunately it's a thorn bush, so she gets a rose thorn stuck in her finger.

Crying, she runs indoors shouting "Mommy, Mommy, I've got a thorn in my finger! Get some apple juice!"

Mum says: "But why do you want apple juice? Wouldn't a bandage be nicer?"

Susie says : "Well, I was playing with Rosie, and her big sister says that whenever she gets a prick in her hand she puts it in cider."

Dr. Jones completed his examination of the teenage girl and took her mother aside. "I'm afraid," he said, "that your daughter has syphilis."

"Oh, my!" exclaimed the embarrassed woman. "Tell me, could she possibly have caught it in a public lavatory?"

After giving it a little thought, Dr. Jones responded, "It's possible," then he added - "but it would certainly have been uncomfortable."

A doctor walks into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulls a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tries to write with it.

He looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then, realizing his mistake, he says..."Well, that's great...just great... some asshole's got my pen!"

John and Mary had been high school sweethearts, but they never had sex.

"We'll have to wait until we are married," she told him.

So he waits.

They are engaged three years, and finally the big day rolls around. On their wedding night, Mary comes out of the bathroom, and says "I have some bad news. I have my period, and I don't want our first time to be all bloody!"

John says, "You're kidding!"

Mary says, "We'll just have to wait a bit longer."

Mary goes to sleep, and wakes up at 3:00 am to get a drink. On her way back to bed, she notices Johnny wide awake staring at the ceiling.

"There's no use John," she said "You might as well go to sleep."

"I would, except my dick's so big, I don't have enough skin left to close my eyes...!"

An 80 year woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor.

The doctor examined and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother."

"Get serious doctor, I'm 80."

"I know," said the doctor, "This morning, I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle."

"I'll be darned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband.

"Hello," she heard in his familiar halting voice.

She screamed, "You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!"

There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, "Who's calling please?"

A guy was sitting in a bar when a stranger walked up to him and asked, "If you woke up in the woods, scratched your butt and found Vaseline all over it, would you tell anyone?"

"Hell no!" the guy said.

The stranger then asked, "If you felt further into your crack and pulled out a used condom, would you tell anyone then?"

The man said, "Of course not!"

The stranger said, "Wanna go camping?"

Prostitute to man: "Hi, want to have sex?"

Man to prostitute: "Ok. Only if you do it like my wife does."

Prostitute: "I can do it any way. So how does she do it?"

Man: "She does it for free."

A man enters his favorite restaurant and, while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby, all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.

She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and 7 inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends one of his own back to her and it read: "Just so you know-I happen to have a Rolls, BMW, and a Mercedes in my garage; plus I have over two million dollars in the bank: But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off my penis! Just send the bottle back!"

A guy goes out with his buddies for a night on the town and they cap off the festivities by going to a house of ill repute.

A week later, the guy visits his doctor complaining of a large green lump on the end of his penis.

The doctor does a thorough exam, then pulls down a weighty medical book and flicks through it till he finds what he's looking for. He looks up and says, "I'm afraid this is serious. We'll have to operate!"

"Operate?", exclaims the fellow, "Why, Doc? What's the problem?"

"Well, you know how boxers can get a cauliflower ear? You've developed the same sort of thing. You've got a brothel sprout."

The pretty coed nervously asked the doctor to perform an unusual operation, the removal of a large chunk of green wax from her navel.

Looking up from the ticklish task, the physician asked, "How did this happen?"

Let me put it this way, doc," the girl began. "My boyfriend likes to eat by candlelight."

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready to go to work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and nailed her.

When he finished he started putting his clothes back on and saw his wife still writhing around against the door and he asked, "What's wrong honey? Didn't you come? Do you want more?"

His wife said, "No, no, it's not that. I'm just trying to get the doorknob out of my ass

A man has a dog that doesn't obey him. He sees an ad in the paper for a great dog trainer and decides to get his dog trained.

The guy asks the trainer, "Can you train my dog, and are you a good trainer?"

The trainer replies, "Well, I can train your dog, and I'll give you a demonstration of how good I am."

He dumped a box full of bones on the floor and blew a whistle. The first dog came in and made a skeleton with the bones. "Wow!" said the guy, "What kind of dog is that?"

"That's a nurse's dog," said the trainer.

Then he blows the whistle again and a second dog comes in the room. That dog makes a big building. The man says, "Wow! What kind of dog is that?"

"That's an architect's dog," replies the trainer.

Then the trainer blows the whistle again and a third dog comes in. That dog takes the bones, screws the other two dogs and runs away. "Wow! What kind of dog is that?" says the man.

"That's a lawyer's dog!"

An exquisite painting entitled "Home for Lunch" was on display in a Pennsylvania art gallery. It depicted three very naked, very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on both ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

Two women were staring at the painting, trying to figure it out.

The artist noticed their confusion so he walked up to them and asked, "Can I help you with this painting?"

One woman replied, "We were curious about the painting of the black men on the bench. Why does the man in the middle have a pink penis?"

"I'm afraid you've misinterpreted the painting," the artist explained. "The three men are not African-Americans. They are Pennsylvania coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch."

Do you know why 140 priests lined up in line at Wal-Mart at 5:30 am?

Their ad read "Little boys pants HALF-OFF".

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name:
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on......

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on Mycoxafailin.

Also considered were Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mydixadud, and Alimpdixafixit.

A close second was Ibepokin.

Thor, the Viking G~d of Thunder, and his pal Odin were up in Valhalla, when suddenly Thor said to Odin, "It's been a long time now. I really need to have sex."

Odin stood and pondered for a while, before replying, "Go to Earth, O Thor, and find thyself what they call a "lady of joy" and treat her to your manly pleasures."

And this Thor did.

The next day, he came back up to see Odin, and told him of the previous night's events. "My friend," he said, grinning from ear to ear, "It was wonderful. We had passionate sex 37 times."

"37 times?!?!" exclaimed Odin. "That poor woman! Mere mortals cannot endure such treatment. You must go and apologize this instant!".

So Thor went back down to earth and found the aforementioned prostitute, saying. "I'm sorry about last night, but you see, I'm Thor."

"You're Thor?" shouted the girl. "What about me?! I can't even pith...!"

Thorn and a girl meet at the Bar and are instantly attracted to each other. They Party all night and at the end decide to go back to his place to continue.

Once there, they get passionate and start to make out. When the time is right, the girl finds the bedroom, gets undressed and gets under the covers of the bed, waiting for Thorn, who is now coming out of the bathroom. He walks in starts to undress and stops with just his shorts on, he reaches into his pants pocket an pulls out a magic marker and hands it to her.

She takes one look at it an says, "What's this for, are you some kinda pervert?"

He looks at her, drops his shorts, and smiles kinda sexy. She smiles, her eyes now wide open and staring in disbelief at his penis which hangs more that halfway to his knees.

She then hears him say, "Your gonna have to draw a line somewhere baby...."

A blowjob is the only job in the world that cannot be included in your resume despite years of experience and a number of references.

A lady walks into a Lexus dealership.

She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.

As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. She turns back and there standing next to her is a salesman.

"Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price."

Are you aware of the discovery in the human body of a nerve that connects the eyeballs to the anus? It is called the anal optic nerve. It is responsible for giving people a crappy outlook on life.

If you don't believe me, pull a hair from your butt and see if it doesn't bring a tear to your eye.

A woman goes to the Doctor with a very embarrassing disfigurement.

"Will you promise not to laugh", she asks the Doc.

"I promise" says the Doc.

So she takes her blouse off and exposes one large ample breast right in the middle of her chest. The Doctor burst into fits of laughter.

"I knew you'd laugh, I just knew it ", cried the woman... so she lifted her arm and pissed on him.

A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis."

The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis."

The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

A guy fell asleep on the beach one day and the wind came up and blew sand all over him until he was covered with only his big toe sticking out.

An old nympho was walking down the beach, saw the toe sticking up, pulled down her bikini bottom and squatted over the toe. She humped away til she was satisfied, pulled up her drawers and left.

The guy woke up, brushed the sand away and left, not knowing what happened. The next day his foot itched like hell, and had a sore on it. He went to the Dr. and after an exam the doc told him he had syphilis of the big toe.

"Syphilis of the big toe?", he inquired, "isn't that rare."

The doc said "You think that's rare, I had a woman in here this morning with athlete's pussy."

A young man went to the dentist, and as the dentist was leaning over him he said, "I see you have had oral sex recently sir."

The young man said, "Why, is there pubic hair in my teeth?"

The dentist said, "No...you've got shit on your nose."

This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings his mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.

The supplier says, "I have just the thing, 'Life-like Tina', So realistic you can't tell the difference!"

The guy orders one. Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic 'Life-like Tina' looks, so he decides to blow it up. Once inflated he gets really turned on and thinks, "What the hell!" and has sex with the doll.

Washing it afterwards, he neatly packages it and sends it out to the guy.

A month later the guy calls up, "You know that 'Life-like Tina' blow up doll you sent me? I cannot tell you how happy I am."

Supplier: "That's great!"

Guy: "Yeah, it's a totally believable experience."

Supplier: "Realistic then?"

Guy: "So realistic, I got syphilis."

A rookie milkman had just started a new milk run. When he delivered the milk at one house, a beautiful woman answered the door wearing a transparent nightie. This happened every morning from Monday to Thursday.

On Friday the milkman couldn't take it anymore, so he zipped down his fly and took out his penis fully erect and he rang the doorbell to deliver the milk. To his surprise a man of six- five, 250 lbs and with a hairy barrel chest answered the door.

The quick thinking milkman said, "Look, if you don't pay for your milk today I'll piss all over your porch!".

Big cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anybody.

A hillbilly kid walks into a Nashville whorehouse and says, "I want a woman, but I've always been scared, because my momma told me a woman has teeth between her legs."

The whore says, "Don't be silly. I'll take care of you."

She brings him up to a room, gets undressed, lies on the bed, and spreads her legs.

She says, "See? There's no teeth between my legs."

The kid says, "No wonder...look at the shape your gums are in."

Age and Womanhood

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn?

A young woman goes to evening class to improve her sexual capabilities. When she gets there she sees an apple an orange and a pear hanging on strings from the ceiling, and a piece of chalk and a black-board. "What is all this for", she asks.

The instructor tells her to stand between the hanging fruit, and she does.

"Now ", said the instructor, "swing your hips to the left and touch the apple, now swing your hips to the right and touch the pear, then swing your hips forward and touch the orange".

The young woman starts to rotate her hips, and soon gets a good rhythm going. "This is great", she said enthusiastically , "but what is the chalk for ".

"When you've got the hang of the fruit", said the instructor, " I want you to stick the chalk up your ass and write thirty-three and a third on the black-board".

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that.

Please, tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?" So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her.

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?

They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date, and then stick her with the bill.

Two gays are sharing an apartment. One gay comes home to find the other one smearing Vaseline all over his chest.

"What are you doing?" the first one asks.

The second replies, "I read that putting Vaseline on your body promotes hair growth."

The first says, "If that was true you'd have a ponytail growing out of your ass."

The couple ended their date at her house. She invited the man in, since it was early.

As he sat down on the sofa she said, "Would you like to have a lil' drink ?"

He grinned and replied, "I'd like to have a little -- period."

"How very convenient." she mused. "'Cause that's exactly what I'm having."

Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look.

"What's going on?" Ed asked one of the crowd.

"We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine," he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine. "Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet, and there's a prize of $100 for anybody who can.

"I can do that," Ed said confidently.

"You can't," said Ted. "You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that thing,"

"Watch this," said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine. The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in circles but still a grim-faced Ed clung to its back. After two minutes the machine was bucking almost vertically and spinning until Ed was a blur. But when the three minutes were up Ed was still on the machine's back acknowledging the cheers and cries from the small crowd.

He dismounted, collected his winnings and rejoined Ted.

"Where in hell did you learn to ride a bucking bronco like that?" Ted asked.

"Remember three months ago," Ed said. "When my wife had whooping cough....?"

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs, and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He pick up the head, swims back up to the surface and places it at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts:

"Three long years I've spent learning to swim with my ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some ass hole puts a swimming cap on me !"

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. she can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.

The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think I could have a urine test done?"

Giorgio is in this country for about 6 months, he walks to work everyday and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. After about 2 months he saves the $300.00 the shoes cost and purchases them.

Each Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the church basement, so Giorgi seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?" Sophia, startled, says, " Yes, Giorgio, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know? Giorgio replies, "I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Next he asks Rosa to dance, after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?" Rose answers, "Yes, Giorgio, I do, but how do you know that?" He answers"I see the reflection in my new $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

Now the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Giorgio asks Carmella to dance. Mid way through the dance his face turns red. He says, "Carmella, stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true."

Carmella answers, "Yes Giorgio, I wear no panties tonight." Giorgio gasps and says ...."Thanka God ... I thought I had a crack in my $300.00 Bocceli leather shoes. How do you like them?"

The local preacher came calling on Mrs. Pal, "I haven't seen you at church lately, so I thought I would stop and see if everything was alright."

"Oh, everything is just fine, Reverend. Sunday is the only day my husband has off. He likes me to stay home so that he can put his head on my chest and hear the angels sing." she says.

"Are you kidding me?" the preacher asks.

"Why don't you try it and see."

So he puts his head on her chest and replies, "I don't hear the angels singing."

"But Reverend," she says, giggling, "Of course you can't. You aren't plugged in yet...!"

A very tall man walks into a bar, and a lady recognizes him as a basketball player. They start to talk, and eventually, go back t o his place.

They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.

"What's that?" the lady questions.

"Oh, I wear this so that when I'm on TV, people will see my tattoo, and Reebok pays me."

Then the man takes off his pants, and on his leg, he has a tattoo that says NIKE.

"What's that?" the lady questions again.

"Just like the Reebok tattoo, I get paid when this tattoo is seen on TV."

Then the man drops his underwear and on his penis he has a tattoo that says AIDS.

"You didn't tell me you had AIDS!" the lady screams.

"No, no! Calm down,"! the man replies. "This will say ADIDAS in a minute...

Q: what did one lesbian vampire say to the other?
A: "see you next month"

A drunk was alone in a bar with the bartender. There were two birds in a cage at the end of the bar. He said, "Bartender, what's the name of those birds?"

The bartender said, "They are cockatoos."

A couple of drinks later the drunk said, "Bartender, what kinds of birds are those?"

The bartender said, "They are cockatoos."

The third time he asked about the birds, the bartender got a little bent out of shape. He said, "God damn it, I said those birds are cockatoos."

The drunk looked at him and said, "If you had a cunt or two in here you would be better off."

Marsha completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist.

She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist ...and she was going to propose to him.

Her friend said, " Marsha you're 34 years old, you're beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?"

"Because he is the first man that ever said to me, 'spit, don't swallow'."

He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation, turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . . "

"Stop -- I don't permit talk about politics in my bar!" interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about the Pope ... "

"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.

One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the Yankees would..."

"No sports talk...That's how fights start in bars." the barman said.

"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"

"Sure."

"Good", he said as he stood up and headed for the door. "Go f*ck yourself."

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating.

She yells, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?"

One of the Japanese men explains, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry."

The waitress begs the question, "So, how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation?"

One of the other Japanese men replies, "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. What size would you like?"

She responds, "Oh, just mix them up, I am not going steady with anyone right now...."

It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot. They were an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen.

The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!"

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!"

Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!"

The Lord said, "Don't complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance."

The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don't want to complain, but either let me have a bigger hole or smaller eggs."

What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute?

A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

A nice, neatly dressed man is sitting on an airplane next to a woman.

An hour into the flight, he pulls out a filthy adult magazine and starts to read it.

After a little while longer he removes his hat. Then he takes off his leather gloves.

Then he unzips his pants, pulls them down, removes his underwear and proceeds to give himself a "hand job" until he climaxes.

Afterwards, he puts away the magazine, puts his pants back on, zips them up, and puts his gloves and hat back on until he is completely dressed again.

The lady sitting next to him has been watching the whole thing and notices the man taking out a cigarette.

He turns to her and asks, "You wouldn't be offended if I smoke, would you...?"

Two Eskimos arguing are about who had got the coldest Igloo. "Come over to my igloo and I'll show you how cold it is", insists the first Eskimo. So they both go to the first Eskimos place, where he takes out his knob and starts to piss on the ground. The piss immediately turns to icicles, and the man breaks them off as they form, and rattle to the ground. "That's cold", said the first Eskimo.

"Well, if you think that's cold come over to my place", says the second Eskimo. So they both go over to the other igloo. When inside the second man draws back the Seal-skin bedding and pulls out a frozen white sheet with a big brown stain on it. Holding it next to the fire the big brown stain went, "phrrrrrrrrrut". "Now that's cold", said the second Eskimo.

A fella goes to the doctor and says "I got a mole on the end of my penis.

The Doc says "drop your trousers and show me".

After examining the man for a moment, the doctor says "I can get rid of the mole, but I',m gonna have to report you to the animal welfare people.

Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A: Easter bunny farts.

A recent study has shown that the kind of "male face" a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where a woman is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged, masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating she is more prone to be attracted to a man with a heavy pair of scissors shoved in his forehead.

Little Johnny has just been toilet trained and decides to use the big toilet like his daddy. He pushes up the seat and balances his little penis on the rim.

Just then the toilet seat slams down, and little Johnny lets out a scream.

His mother comes running to find Johnny hopping round the room clutching his genitals and howling.

He looks up at her with his little tear stained face and sniffles, "K-k-k-k-kiss {sniff} it better."

His mother shouts, "Don't start your father's shit with me...!"

There was a man who had a problem getting an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor takes all kinds of tests and finally decides that he can cure the man. The doctor tells the man to go home and wait until his wife is asleep, and then to reach down between her legs and get a little love juice on his finger and rub it under his nose, and that this would stimulate his brain and then he would get an erection.

The man takes the doctor's advice and that night after his wife has gone to sleep he reaches down between her legs and gets some of her juice and he rubs it on his upper lip right under his nose. After a minute or two he starts to feel a tingling between his legs, so he grabs some more juice and rubs it under his nose. The next thing he knows he has a full erection.

He is real excited and he wakes up his wife to share the good news. He says "look what I have."

She rolls over and looked at him and says "You wake me up at two in the morning to show me that you have a Bloody Nose???

A guy receives an ad in the mail for a golf resort where everything costs one dollar. He jumps at the offer and heads off for a weekend of fun in the sun.

He arrives and plays a round of golf. It cost him a buck. When he goes for dinner that evening, it costs him another buck. His room is only a buck a day! The day before he's to check out, he heads out to play a last round and stops by the pro shop and charges a sleeve of three balls to his room.

When he's checking out next morning, he looks at the bill and sees "Golf: $1. 00. Dinner: $1.00. Room: $1.00. Sleeve of golf balls: $3,000.00" He hits the ceiling!

Calling over to the manager, he asks, "What is this all about? Everything is supposed to cost one dollar, and you charged me three thousand for three golf balls?"

I'm sorry, sir," said the manager, "but you didn't read the fine print in our promotional brochure. That's what our golf balls cost." "Well," said the man, "if I wanted to spend that kind of money, I could've gone to that luxury hotel across the street and paid them a thousand dollars a day for a room. At least I would've known what I was paying for!"

"That's right, sir, you could have," said the manager. "Over there they get you by the room. Over here we get you by the balls!

The only thing IRS has not yet taxed is the penis.

This is due to the fact that 70% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 13% of the time it is pissed off, 12% of the time it is hard up, and 5% of the time it's in the hole.

It has two dependents, but they're nuts.

Issues still under consideration are as follows: Are there penalties for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes?

Effective January 1, 2002, penises will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:

10"-12" Luxury Tax

8"-9" Pole Tax

6"-7" Privilege Tax

4"-5" Nuisance Tax

Note: Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.

PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!

A young uneducated hillbilly applied for a job in an office. After the interview, he left and hooked up with his pals.

One asked, "How'd it go Clem?"

The guy answered, "Well, I reckon the first part was smooth. But then she wanted to see my testimonials. So I showed 'em and she freaked. There went the job."

What do bungee jumping and sex with a prostitute have in common?

They both cost about $100.
They both last about 30 seconds.
And in both cases, if the rubber breaks, you're a dead man.

Two guys decide to have a screwing contest, so they agree to each get a girl in a motel room for ten hours. The first guy does it once, then takes the girl's lipstick and marks a "1" on the mirror.

After a while, he finishes again and marks a second "1" next to it. After a lot of struggling, he finishes again, and is making another "1" just as the alarm goes off.

The second guy comes running in, looks at the mirror, and says "A hundred and eleven! Damn! You beat me by four."

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi.

He thinks he'll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, "Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the candle factory, and every once in awhile they send us a free candle."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the matzo ball factory, and every once in awhile they send us a free box of matzo balls."

The kid says, "And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?"

The rabbi says, "We send them to the IRS, and every once in awhile they send us a little prick like you."

A good Irish man, John O'Reilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club.

One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest at who could make the best toast. John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life Between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life Sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!", Mary said.

The next day Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night with a toast about you Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised meself! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!"

A fellow was walking home from work one evening, very depressed. He was married to a nagging woman who was constantly switching between treating him nice and tearing down his self esteem. To add to it, his best friend was to be hanged that night for a capital crime. He stomped into the house and slammed the door, sunk in his self-pity.

His wife said, "Honey, what's the problem?"

"They're hanging my best friend, Tony Wright, tonight!"

"I understand. Go take a bath, and I'll get supper ready for you, Sweetie, and you can go down to see him before the hanging. Now, won't that make you feel better?"

He decided to not make it worse and agrees with her proposal.

While she was getting supper the paper came, hitting the front door with a plop. She picked it up and opened it. The heading said, "WRIGHT GETS STAY OF EXECUTION." She knew her husband would want to know immediately and hearing he great news would really lift his spirits, so she went up the stairs and opened the bathroom door.

There he was, bent over and naked, cleaning the tub. She said, "Honey, they're not hanging Wright tonight!"

He answered, "The same old story. First you're nice and then bitch, bitch, bitch!!!"

The Queen of England was visiting a hospital and she stopped by one of the beds to speak to the man lying there.

"What is wrong with you, sir?" she asked the man.

"I got a wart on my balls," he replies, much to the astonishment of the nurses. One of the nurses immediately rushes over to him.

"You can't say that to the queen!" the nurse shouts.

"Well what should I have said then?" replies the man.

"Something like you have a bruise on your back, or a cut on your arm, or a graze on your knee. Anything but 'I have a wart on my balls'!" answers the nurse.

Two months later, Prince Charles is visiting the same hospital, and just happens to pass the same bed, with the same man in it.

"What is wrong with you, sir?" asks the Prince.

"Um, I have a bruise on my back," replies the man.

"Oh," the Prince answers, "I'm so glad to hear that your balls are better...I'll tell the queen...."

A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance! Later that night, about 2 o'clock, I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance. Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. It was 4 o'clock when I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."

"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"

"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."

One Saturday afternoon, a man was sitting in his lawn chair drinking beer and watching his wife mow the lawn.

A neighbor lady was so outraged at this, she came over and shouted at the man,
" You should be hung!"

To which he calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the grass!"

When Ernie came home with the news that he'd gotten laid for the first time, his mother was less than pleased.

Slapping him across the face, she sent him off to his room without any supper.

When Ernie's father got home and heard the news, he went up to see his son.

"Well, my boy," he admonished, secretly pleased, "I hope you learned something from this experience."

"You bet I did," admitted his son. "Next time I'll use Vaseline ... my ass is killing me!"

John and Jill were parked one dark summer night in Lovers Lane, when all of a sudden Jill said, "Oh, don't do that, or I'll go all to pieces!"

John replied, "Go right ahead...I've got my hand on the piece I want!"

A lady says to her doctor, "My husband has been complaining that my vagina has an odor, but I bent over and took a whiff, and I don't smell anything."

The doctor examines her, and then says, "You need an operation."

She asks, "On my vagina?"

He says, "No. On your nose...."

Two most important things in a wedding:
The playing of the Organ and coming of the Bride.

A pregnant woman and her husband asked the doctor if it was okay to have sex during her pregnancy.

He told them that during the first trimester they could do it normal-style, during the second trimester they should do it dog-style and during the third trimester they were limited to wolf-style.

"Wolf-style?" queried the husband. "What's that?"

"You lie next to the hole and howl," replied the doctor

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion?
You get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes!

Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.

Dave says "John what are you so happy for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Dave, she couldn't swim!!."

The next day Dave walks into a bar and sees John sitten at the end of the bar counter with a bigger smile on his face.

Dave says "What are you so happy about today John?"

"Well Dave... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me... tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?' "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said 'Its either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim!!, Dave, she couldn't swim!!!!."

A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a beer.

Dave says "John, what are you so sad for?"

"Well Dave, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says "Can I have a ride in your boat?" "Sure you can have a ride in my boat." So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out... much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'Its either screw or swim'. Then, she pulled down her pants....she had a dick, Dave! She had a great BIG dick!... and Dave...I CAN'T SWIM!"

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

A man and a woman were driving down the road arguing about his deplorable infidelity. Suddenly the woman reaches over and slices off the man's pecker.

Angrily, the woman tosses the pecker out the window of the car.

Driving behind the car is a fella in a pickup truck with his 10 year old daughter chatting away beside him.

All of a sudden, the pecker smacks the pickup in the windshield and flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her daddy, "Daddy, what in the heck was that?"

Not wanting to expose his 10 year old daughter to sex at such a tender age, the father replies, "It was only a bug, honey."

The daughter gets a confused look on her face, and after a minute she says, "Sure had a big dick!"

What is a 6.9?
A 69 interupted by a period.

My wife and I split up because we had too much in common," said the solitary drinker to the bartender.

"Is that so?"

"Yeah - we both liked to eat pussy!"

John was a clerk in a small drugstore, but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last. Just then a man came in coughing and asked John for their best cough syrup.

Try as he might, John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had happened.

"That guy wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won't cure a cough!" Bob shouted angrily.

Sure it will..." John said, pointing to the man leaning on the lamp post. Look at him. He's afraid to cough!"

Three guys were sitting in a bar talking. One was a Doctor, one was a Lawyer, and one was a Biker.

After a sip of his martini, the doctor said; "You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I got my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedez. I figure that if she doesn't like the diamond ring, she will at least like the Mercedez, and she will know that I love her."

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer replied; "Well, on my last anniversary, I got my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn't like the pearls, she would at least like the trip, and she would know that I love her."

The Biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said; "Yah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a tee-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn't like the tee-shirt, she could go fuck herself."

Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

One day, a farmer on vacation got stranded on a deserted island. The only thing he saved was a piece of rope, a sheep and a dog.

Days went by and after a while, his urges were getting better of him. After giving it some thought, he tied the sheep to a tree. The only problem was, every time he tried to get close to it, the dog would attack him.

The same thing kept happening until one day, the man heard a woman screaming. He rushed to the other side of the island and saw this beautiful woman about to drown. He jumped into the water and dragged her to safety on the beach.

Once she got her breath back, she exclaimed, "You saved my life! I'll do anything to pay you back!"

He replied, "Here, hold my dog for a minute!"

Q: What's the difference between a sorority and a circus?
A: A circus is a cunning array of stunts.

A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts. He tells her, "Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the tip of your breasts and say, "Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them, so right in the middle of the bus--"Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I do. How did you know?"

"Hickory dickory dock."

A farmer asked a friend to recommend an attorney to defend him against a charge of bestiality.

"I know a great trial lawyer," the fellow said, "but he's expensive and doesn't know how to pick a jury. I know another lawyer," he continued, "who's not a great trial lawyer, but he's cheap and really knows how to pick a jury."

The farmer settled on the cheap attorney, but immediately had second thoughts when the key witness, a neighbor, began his testimony. "I saw Jud mount his goat from behind," he said, "and when he was finished, I saw the goat turn around and lick Jud's pecker."

The accused farmer was devastated and had all but given up hope of acquittal when a juror in overalls whispered to the fellow next to him, "You know, a good goat will do that..."

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.

"What are you going to use it for?" she asked.

"None of your business," answered the customer, beet red and thoroughly offended.

"Calm down, buddy," soothed the salesgirl." The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax...."

One day, three boys were late for class. The first boy came in, and the substitute teacher asked him where he'd been. He said, "I was on top of Beverly Hills."

Then the second boy came in, and the teacher asked him where he'd been, and he too said, "I was on top of Beverly Hills."

Then the third boy came in, and the teacher asked him where he'd been, and he said, "On top of Beverly Hills."

Then a girl came in, and the substitute said, "I guess you were on top of Beverly Hills as well?"

"No," she said, "I am Beverly Hills."

Q. What do you get when you cross peanut butter and a rooster?
A. A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

A couple goes to a masquerade party dressed as a cow. He's in front, she's in back. The party gets a little boring, so they decide to stay in their costume and go for a little walk. As they're going across a pasture, they hear, "Snort! Snort!"

The wife says, "Bobby! There's a bull over there, and I think he's gonna charge! What are we gonna do?"

The husband says, "Well, I'm gonna eat some grass -- you'd better brace yourself."

A social misfit walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.

"Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"

"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"

"I dunno, I never found her head."

Q. What happens when a whorehouse catches fire?
A. Some come out running and some run out coming!

Mrs. Huxley arrived for her artificial insemination, and was surprised when the technician locked the door behind him and began taking off his clothes.

"Just what do you think you are doing?!" she demanded.

"Sorry," said the young man. "We're all out of the bottled stuff. I have to serve you draft...."

Two friends, a white guy and a black guy, both work together. The white guy came in late one morning and his black friend asks where he had been.

The white guy says, "My wife gives me good sex every night and she kept me up really late last night".

The black guy says "I can't get my wife to have sex with me, no matter what! How do you do it?"

The white guy says, "I read her poetry every night." His black friend then asks, "What kind of poetry?"

The white guy replies, "Blondie, blondie, eyes so blue, how I want to make love to you." Then the white guy tells his friend to go home and try it - it's a sure thing!

The next morning the black guy was about 2 hours late. When he comes in, he has a black eye and his arm is in a sling.

The white man asks, "What happened?!" The black man says, "Man, don't ever speak to me again!" The curious white man asks, "Well, what did you say to her?"

The black man replies, 'Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog, bend over bitch, and take it like a dog!!"

My Dick is so big, movie theatre popcorn now comes in
'small', 'medium', 'large', and 'my dick'."

Two drunks were in a tavern sitting at the bar and staring into their drinks. One got a curious look on his face and asked, "Hey, Pete! You ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?"

"Yep. I been married to one for fifteen years...."

Q: How do you tell if a blonde did her own landscaping?
A: Her bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

A New Zealander moved to Sydney Australia to play football. When he arrived, was told to go and see the coach.

"Now listen," said the coach, "This isn't some minor league Kiwi team. Do you think you're good enough to play football for us?"

"Hell, yeah!" replied the Kiwi.

"We'll see" said the coach. "We'll give you a run in the first half and pull you off at half time."

"Damn, that's different." Said the Kiwi. "We only get oranges at half time in New Zealand!"

A woman answers the phone in a busy office, "Good morning, Cleveland Parachute Club."

A startled man on the other end replied, "Excuse me, but isn't this the Cleveland Prostitute Club?"

"Oh no sir", came the embarrassed reply, "this is the Cleveland Parachute Club."

"Damn!" said the man. "I'm afraid I made a big mistake. Last week your salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a week..."

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.

He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

The 15 year old girl is going on her first date, and her mother warns her not to let the boy put his hands up her dress. The girl agrees, and the mother is reassured that her daughter will not let the boy put his hands up her dress.

The boy and girl go out, and after a movie they are parked in lover's lane. He makes a move and tries to put his hands up her dress. She stops him once, twice and three times. He's all disappointed.

Then she tells him why, "I promised my mother that I wouldn't let you put your hands up my dress. But, you can put your hands down the back of my dress...it's the second hole you come to!"

What is the definition of "making love"?
Something a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

Bob goes into the public rest room and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms.

As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"

Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"

Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.

The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad steroids. The teams performance soars. They win the county and state championship until one day they are favored to win nationals easily.

Penelope, a sixteen year old hurdler visits her coach and says, "Coach, I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest."

"What!" the coach says in a panic, "How far down does it go?"

She replies, "All the way down to my balls.

Home pregnancy test instructions
==========================

Blue means not pregnant.

Pink means pregnant.

Brown means you had it in the wrong hole.

Q: Why does a dog lick it's penis?
A: Because it can't make a fist.

An old man goes into an ice cream parlor walking very shakily with a cane. He sits down at the counter and orders a chocolate sundae from the soda jerk.

The soda jerk asks him, "Crushed nuts?"

The old man replied, "No, arthritis."

An Italian man, relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome, managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. He invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk they made love. After a pleasant interlude, and, at what seemed to him to be the appropriate time, he stretched, asked with a smile, "So... you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No."

Pleasantly surprised, the young man reached for her and had his way with her again. This time she's wild, thrashing about on the bed and climaxing with screams of passion.

Again, the young man smiles, and asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and says "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for his date. It takes all of his strength and he barely manages to do it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. It's dawn by then, and, entirely spent, the exhausted man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You finish!?"

"No!" she mumbles. "...Swedish"

What do men and pantyhose have in common?
They either cling, run, or don't fit right in the crotch.

A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."

"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"

"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish."

A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."

"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."

"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*mouth rot*); and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish...."

After sixty years, a Rabbi decides to retire. Taking the box of foreskins he has collected over the years of doing circumcisions. He goes to a Leather goods Manufacturer and says to the man,

"Can you do anything with these".

The man says "No problem, come back in two weeks"

After two weeks the rabbi returns to the shop, and is presented with a wallet. In total dismay, he says to the craftsman, "Sixty years of my life spent doing circumcisions, the best you can do is a wallet?"

The man replies, "Don't worry, just rub it a few times and it will grow into a suitcase."

One Sunday morning, a young woman who needed forgiveness for her sins came to a Baptist church. She got up in front of the congregation and stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier who picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."

"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation.

She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but now I ask the Lord's forgiveness."

"Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again.

"But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I will sleep with the Lord," she finished.

But before the congregation could respond, an old drunk in the back yelled out in a clear voice, "That's right momma, screw 'em all."

A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."

This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.

She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.

She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want,"

He replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease.

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?" asked the reporter.

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?" stated the farmer.

"Umm, sir, that is new information to me, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?" questioned the reporter.

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?" added the farmer.

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting,but, what's the point?" demanded the reporter.

The farmer replied, "Lady, the point is this: if I played with your tits twice a day, but only screwed you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?", she asks, "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?", she asks.

"Gold of course", says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the men surveyed responded that either genetics or home environment was the principal factor.

The remaining 18 percent of those that responded revealed that they had been sucked into it.

A young couple got married and decided to honeymoon in Miami Beach, FL. With limited resources, they decided to take a bus to Florida from New York City.

On the first day, the bus got as far as Delaware and broke down. The bus company agreed to put the passengers up at a nearby motel. The young husband was most eager to consummate the marriage during that evening but, the young wife said, "No. We must wait until we start our honeymoon in Miami Beach."

The next morning, the got back on the bus but, in South Carolina, the bus breaks down again. Once more the bus company agrees to put the passengers up at a local motel.

With more urgency, the young groom wants to consummate the marriage, but the young wife says, "Not until we start our honey- moon in Miami Beach."

The next morning, they got back on the bus and, just as they get to Jacksonville FL, the bus breaks down for the third time. Once again the bus company pays for a motel.

They are hardly in the room a minute when the young bride tears off her clothes and then his, and the pent up sex runs rampant!

After, they are lying in bed, and the young groom asks of his new bride, "How is it that after wanting to wait until the honeymoon started in Miami Beach, you so totally changed your mind? Not that I object, mind you!"

The young bride replies, "I was listening to the two people sitting behind us and they said, 'By the time we get to Miami Beach, the fucking season will be over', and I wasn't going to miss it!"

Three cowboys were sitting in a bar discussing women. "I think Texas women are the prettiest," one of them said.

"I think Texas women are the toughest," said another.

The third said, "I think they're the most polite. That's why they don't like group sex."

His friends looked at him, confused. "They dont like group sex?"

"Nope, too many thank-you notes."

Q. What do bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A. They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

A school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?"

Little Johnny replies "an eggplant."

"No Johnny" says the teacher, "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?"

"No miss" Says Johnny, "Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"

Q: What is worse than a dead dog on your piano?
A: An infected pussy on your organ.

A husband comes home with a half-gallon of ice cream and asks his wife if she wants some.

"How hard is it?" she asks.

About as hard as my dick." he replies.

"Ok, then pour me some."

Little Jimmy was on his way home from the market when he saw a girl from the next farm and offered her a ride.

Pretty soon, they came to a clump of trees, and she asked him to stop.

Seeing that he was bashful, she took his face in her hands and kissed him. Then she asked, "Do you want to go a little farther?"

He said, "Sure, get up Betsy!

"So they rode a little farther, and she asked him to pull up at another shady spot. Then she took one of his hands and placed it inside her bosom and his other hand on her thigh, and asked. "Do you want to go a little farther?"

Again he said, "Ok, get up Betsy!

When they stopped at the third bushy place, she reached over and opened his fly and took his pecker out. She spread herself before him and asked, "Now do you want me to put it in for you?"

Little Jimmy replied, "Yep. My maw would kill me if I came home with it hanging out."

A young lady goes to a store and says to the salesman, "I need some batteries for my vibrator."

He motions with his finger, "Come this way..."

She says, "If I could come that way I wouldn't need a vibrator."

Q: Why do men like big boobs and tight pussy?
A: Because they all have big mouths and little dicks.

A very sad event occurred last night:

The Energizer Bunny, after going and going for so long has unfortunately passed away.

The official medical report states that Mr. Bunny died from a Heart Attack brought on by sexual over stimulation.

It seems that someone had put his batteries in backwards and he kept coming...and coming...and coming......

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

As the airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, " Now sit back and enjoy your trip while our captain, Judith Campbell and crew take you safely to your destination."

Joe sitting in the 8th row thought to himself, 'Did I hear her right; is the captain a woman? I think I better have a scotch and soda.'

When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?"

"Yes," said the attendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."

"My God," said Joe, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think of all those women up there in the cockpit."

"That's another thing," said the attendant, "we no longer call it the cockpit. Now it's the box office."

Q. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?
A. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

A girl married a quiet, humble man and after one week, he came home rather flustered. "When I got to work this morning, I found a pencil tied to my willy."

"That's right," she said. "I thought if you couldn't come, at least you could write."

Q. How do you know when a woman is getting old?
A. Her bra size goes from a 44-D to a 44-long

A woman goes into a bar and orders a bottle of champagne. She takes the first glass and pours the champagne down the back of her skirt. The bartender looks amazed as she pours another glass and again tips it down her skirt back.

Finally, the bartender asks, "Why are you pouring your drinks down the back of your skirt?"

She replies, "I've just won the lottery and this is the only asshole I'm sharing it with".

Q. Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A. So men can be open minded.

This ol' gal goes into the pharmacy and looks around each isle carefully. Meanwhile the pharmacist is noticing her, so he goes over and asks,"Miss,can I help you find something?"

"Well", she stammers,"Do you have any petroleum jelly with teflon in it?"

He gives her a funny look and shakes his head no then proceeds to ask,"Why?".

"The next time me and the old man f*ck, I wanna make sure the meat don't stick like last time."

Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.

A man was suffering from constipation, so his doctor prescribed suppositories. A week later the guy complained to the doctor that they didn't produce the desired results.

"Have you been taking them regularly?" the doctor asked.

"What do you think I've been doing," said the man, "shoving them up my ass?"

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

A guy walks into the bar and orders a drink and the bartender notices the extreme smallness of his head. He asks, "Excuse me for being nosey but why is your head so small?"

The guy says, "Its a long story. When I was in the Navy I was looking overboard while in route to Europe and noticed a mermaid in distress."

"I threw her a life buoy and pulled her up on deck. In her gratitude she granted me one wish."

"Well I had been out to sea for some time and so I first asked her for some sex. She replied that she would love to but the bottom half of her was fish and that was impossible."

"So then I asked her for a little head."

Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

"Miss Jones, we can't hire you as a model," the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."

The model picked up the magazine editors telephone and slammed it down on his fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once..."

A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fame and fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him, "Who's the most powerful man in the room?"

"That would be Jerry, over there by the caviar," he says.

The young woman walks over to Jerry and says, "Excuse me, Jerry, would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to talk to you."

Jerry and the girl step behind the column and she says, "Jerry... I'm gonna unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blowjob you ever had!"

Jerry smiles slightly and says, "Well, okay. But what's in it for me?"

You remind me of a championship fish.
I don't know whether to mount you or eat you.

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen

A guy works at a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick." He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, "I can't come in today. I'm sick."

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, "He's great. He does the work of two men. We need him."

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, "You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You're a good worker and I'd hate to fire you. What's the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?"

The guy says, "No, I don't drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she's all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I'm screwing her."

The boss says, "You screw your sister?"

The guy says, "Hey, I told you I was sick."

Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

A truck driver pulled over to the side of the road and picked up two homosexuals who were hitchhiking. They climbed into the cab and the truck driver pulled the rig back onto the highway.

A few minutes later, the first fag said. "Excuse me, but I have to fart." He held his breath, then the truck driver heard a low "Hsssssss."

A few miles down the road, the second fag announced, "Excuse me, but I have to fart." The announcement was followed by another low "Hsssssss."

"Jesus Christ!" the truckie exclaimed. "You fairies can't even fart like men. Listen to this." A moment later he emitted a deafening staccato machine gun burst from his bottom.

"Ohhh!" one fag exclaimed, turning to the other. "You know what we have here, Bruce? A real virgin!"

One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma. They were both naked.

Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy, what's that?"

Fred says "Th-that's...um...thats daddy's rock."

A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina.

"What's that, mommy?" she asks.

"Oh..that..that's mommy's rock grinder."

All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says, "I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure!"

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

"Sure, why?"

"Well you'd better get over there, you're about to cum!"

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads. They were some distance from town, when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The boy reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."

Schools have banned smoking on the playground.

I don't know how that's going to work out. Now what will the students do after having sex with the teachers?

Mike is at a urinal in Penn Station when a large man of African descent runs in, whips it out, and starts doing his business. The large fellow says, "Oh man... I Just made it."

Mike says, "Can you make me one in white?"

Little Johnny was all out of sorts one morning.

When his father asked him what the problem was the kid said,
"I'm mad at mommy, cause she eats birds."

His father said he didn't know what Little Johnny was talking about.

Little Johnny replied, "I was up late last night and heard noises coming from your bedroom. When I listened at your door, I heard mom say, 'Should I swallow it or let it fly'?"

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.

"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.

"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

Did you know there are five penis sizes?
1. Small
2. Medium
3. Large
4. Oh My!
5. Does that come in white?

Jill and John are waiting on line at the Post Office to purchase some stamps.

"I heard they are making lickable stamps in a variety of tasty flavors to save the public the awful experience of running their tongues over something so unsavory" said Jill.

"Really?" said John.

"You bet," Jill said, "There is strawberry, cherry, grape...which one are you going to get?"

"Me??? Oh, I'm not into fruit flavors. I'm ordering a brand new flavor they've just introduced. It's called 'vagina'."

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language.

After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis about forty-seven times"

A woman was walking down the street when a man who was carrying out a survey stopped her.

"Excuse me, Madam, we're doing a survey on peoples' attitudes towards sex."

"Really!" said the woman smiling.

"Could you please tell me what you think of sex on the television?"

"Well," replied the woman, "I think it's extremely uncomfortable, especially when you've got the antenna stuck up your ass!"

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated. When they ran into each other later the first old lady said to the second, "My! Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?"

The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing! Why the penis on it was so large!"

The first old lady blurted out, "...and cold, too!"

Further proof has it that the long term implications of sex drugs and procedures must be fully considered....

Over the past few years more money has been spent on breast implants, penis implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's.

In a few years we will have a lot of people running around with huge breasts and long dicks who won't remember what to do with them.

An old British lord is meandering through Hyde Park one windy spring day when he notices that the skirt of a pretty young woman is uplifted high above her head, by the wind.

"Humph!" said the not-so-noble noticer. "It's a bit airy, isn't it?"

Pulling her frock down in a fury, the woman said "What the 'ell d'you expect? Feathers?"

Michael, who had problems with premature ejaculation, went to a sex shop for a remedy. The clerk handed him a little yellow can and said, "This is Stay-Hard Spray; put on a little and you can go all night!"

Delighted, Michael took it home, stowed it on the cellar shelf, and waited eagerly for bedtime, when he sprayed some on and went upstairs to his wife. However, it seemed to make him come quicker than ever.

The next day he returned to the sex shop, slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"

Upon reading the label, the clerk asked, "Did you hide this stuff on the cellar shelf?"

"Yeah, so?" said the disgruntled customer.

"You must have grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off."

Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?

Doctor : Yes ... you're f*cking crackers.

A lady decided to go into business and open an art gallery. She asked a painter she knew if he would paint a picture of Custer's last stand for the grand opening of the Gallery.

On the day of the grand opening, the lady unveiled the painting and let out a gasp... It was a painting with a pile of excrement with a halo around it in the foreground, and hundreds of Indians having sex in the background.

She confronted the painter, asking what the meaning of this was...

He replied that he did a lot of research on Custer's last words, and found that they were,
"Holy shit! Look at all the f*cking Indians!"

A woman was at a friends wedding and the friend's father asked her to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but she figured what the hell.

As they were dancing she asked, "Are you enjoying yourself Richard?"

He said, "I prefer Dick."

She said, "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with anything?"

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate.

So they decided to pull over and park and have some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside.

All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window.

The cop could hardly contain himself.

"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed at being caught, they said yes and apologized.

"Well," the cop said, "I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior.

After getting dressed, the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.

Her boyfriend replied, "Doing 69 in a 35 zone....."

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

A man in his back yard with his son, trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds then it comes crashing back down. He tries this a few more times all the while his wife is watching from her kitchen window. Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything she opens the window and yells to her husband "You need more tail."

The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night I asked for some tail and you told me to go fly a kite...!"

After the first week of sex education class, a young shapely teen stormed out of the room after the class was over.

Encountering a female friend in the hall, the friend asked, "Lori, what in the world is the matter with you ? You look as if you're about to kill someone."

"I am !!!" Lori fumed. "You just wait until I catch up with that Dennis. All summer long, that clown had me convinced that 'foreplay' involved tossing a coin for position...."

A guy goes to a travel agent and books a two-week cruise for himself and his girlfriend.

A couple of days before the cruise, the travel agent phones and says the cruise has been canceled, but he can get them on a three-day cruise instead.

The guy agrees and goes to the druggist to buy three Dramamine and three condoms.

Next day, the agent calls back and says he now can book a five- day cruise.

The guy says he'll take it and returns to the same pharmacy and buys two more Dramamine and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent calls again and says he can now book an eight-day cruise.

The guy agrees and goes back to the druggist and asks for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

Finally, the druggist asks,

"Listen buddy, it's none of my business but if she's that ugly, why do you keep screwing her?"

Q. What do you call 6.9?
A. A good 69 interrupted by a period.

On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs.

The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back with a potato tied around his dick.

The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband said "If your going as a sour-puss, I'm going as a dictator".

Creeping around to the bedroom window, the private detectives saw their client's wife in bed with another man.

"Just as I suspected," said the first. "Let's go in after him."

"Great idea," his assistant replied. "How soon do you think he'll be finished?"

Mary: One time my ex and I had hardly finished fighting, when I inadvertently started another argument.

Jill: What happened?

Mary: Well, my ex suggested I might enjoy some "make-up sex," and I innocently asked, "Does it have to be with you?"

A tough teen-aged boy was holding his 8 month old brother while his Mon was in kitchen fixing lunch.

The baby murmured "mother".

The guy gets all excited and hollered to his Mom, "Hey, the baby just said half a word!"

When the ark's door was closed Noah called a meeting with all the animals. "Listen up!" Noah said with a demanding voice. "There will be NO sex on this trip. All of you males take off your penis and hand it in to my sons. I will sit over there and write you a receipt. After we see land, you can get your penis back."

After about a week Mr.. Rabbit stormed into his wife's cage and was very excited. "Quick!" he said. "Get on my shoulders and look out the window to see if there is any land out there!"

Mrs. Rabbit got onto his shoulders and looked out the window. "Sorry, no land yet."

"Damn!" and out went Mr. Rabbit.

This went on every day until Mrs. Rabbit got fed up with him. "What is the matter with you? You know it will rain for forty days and nights. Only after the water had drained will we be able to see land. But why are you acting so excited every day?"

"Look!" said Mr. Rabbit with a sly expression, as he held out a piece of paper.

"I got the horse's receipt...!"

Jill confided to Rosie, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to give up analysis."

"But why? Isn't Dr. Greene helping you?"

"Yes, a lot," Jill agreed. "Problem is, I just can't get used to lying down for a guy and then having him give me the bill...."

The Mother was concerned that perhaps her daughter was not only not quite as chaste as she should be, but lately, didn't even seem to be selective. Trying to open a conversation on the subject of morals she asked, "Susan, do you know where bad girls go?"

"Sure Mom." the daughter replied. "Anywhere they want...!"

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear panties under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do six cartwheels on your way to the altar."

Some American adventure tourists signed up for a guided expedition across the Sahara desert. Upon arriving at their starting point they were surprised to find that the entire journey was to be via camel.

They explained to the expedition leader how they were under the impression the trip was to be taken in four wheel drive vehicles.

"No no," said Ohmar, "There is no vehicle made that can survive the route we are taking across the desert. Only camels can make this trip and even they require special preparation"

"What kind of special preparation?" asked an American

"Well first I let the camel drink his fill of cool water and then just as he's taking his last sip I take these two bricks and slam them together on his nuts. The camel instantly sucks up another ten gallons of water... enough for him to survive the long journey"

"My god," exclaimed the American, "that must really hurt"

"Not really," replied Ohmar, "only if I catch my fingers between the bricks"

The next time you're having a bad day, imagine this:

You're a Siamese twin.
Your brother is gay and you're not.
But you only have the one ass.

Feel better?

A deaf mute walks into a pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.

Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five-dollar bill next to it.

The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket.

Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language.

"Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

Q. Why do women like wearing black panties?
A. It's a way for them to say, "In memory of those who were buried here"

A Scottish old timer in sat in a bar, talking to a young man.

"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months. But do they call me Saxton-the-Fence-Builder? No..."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days. But do they call me Saxton-the-Bar-builder? No..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me Saxton-the-Pier-Builder? No..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention. "But ya get caught with one goat..."

A teenager goes into a drug store and he says to the clerk, "I want to buy some condoms. How much?"

The clerk responds "I have these here... three for a dollar"

Teenager: "Perfect. I'll buy three"

Clerk: "That will be one doller and seven cents"

Teenager: "What's the seven cents for?"

Clerk: "For the tax"

Teenager: "No, no, I want the ones that stay on by themselves..."

On his wedding night Johnson kissed his bride on the forehead then rolled over and went to sleep. For the next five nights he never got any closer than an occasional peck on the forehead.

Then came Saturday, and Johnson left right after dinner to join the boys down at the poolroom.

For his wife, this was the last straw, and she began to pack her things. A few minutes later, Johnson burst into the room, grabbed his wife, tore off all her clothes, threw her down on the bed and began making violent love to her.

"Why, all of a sudden?" she gasped.

"Well, said Johnson, "the boys down at the poolroom told me you put out."

Q. What's the best way to get into a sleeping bag?
A. Wake her up first!

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "OK, lets get out and get him."

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do!?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."

A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old grandson.

In the middle of the night grandpa woke up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman, Fast!!"

The grandson moaned: "Please, grandpa, calm down." "First, its three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour...Second, you're 82 years old...and third, it's my dick you're holding..."

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are under a buck.

The young lady strolled through the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys ?"

"They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the mating season."

"I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered them some of these peanuts ?"

Smiling the keeper responding, "I don't know Miss... Would you?"

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

A Scottish couple was walking across the meadows. The girl looked at the guy and shyly asked, "Would you like to hold my hand?"

"Uh...well yes." the boy said, "But how did you know?"

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

They walked a little further and the girl said, "Would you like to kiss me?"

"Oh, my yes!" replied the boy, "But how did you know?"

She said, "By the gleam in your eye."

As they got to the stream, they sat on a stump; the girl looked at the boy and asked, "Would you like to go all the way with me?"

"Well, oh, my gosh, yes! (gulp) Yes! But how did you know? By the gleam in my eye?"

"No," replied the girl, "by the tilt in your kilt."

There's a rumor going around Hollywood that a group of porn movie makers are going to combine assets and form a studio of their own.

The name they're considering is "20th Century Fux"

Having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.
You get on the couch,
String 'em along with some half-lies and evasions,
Probe some deep dark holes,
and then hand over all your money.

Little Johnny is at the zoo on a school visit and he spots a deer. Being a city kid he's never seen one before and so he asks his teacher,

"What's that, Miss Dawson?"

Miss Dawson decides to play a word game with him and says, "That's what your Mom calls your Dad, Johnny."

Little Johnny thinks for a moment and then says, "I'm not stupid Miss, I know that ain't a 'fuckin' pig'!"