We feel that Grandparents, like siblings, are the forgotten grievers. People will ask a grandparent how their child is dealing with the loss of a child, not "How are you doing?"  We have several grandparents on our mailing list and want to spotlight this issue on Grandparents in Grief.  From what we have learned about the grief of grandparents,  they grieve double our loss.  They grieve the death of their precious grandchild but also grieve for their own child as they go through the horrible pain of losing a child.

I would like to share something about my two sons' grandmothers.  Both deeply loved my sons (Note: Leon Jr. & Wayne Jonas died in a car crash in 1990).  My own mother, Margaret, I know loved me very much but had a hard time expressing her sorrow.  Looking back now, I think she was afraid to talk about them for fear that I would cry and she did not want to ever see me hurt.  But, by not sharing with me, I thought at that time she did not miss my sons.  Now in hindsight, I wish I had taken the initiative and asked her to talk about my sons and let her know that tears help me to heal.

My mother, Margaret, shared her memories on the first anniversary of my sons' death.  She wrote:

"Their father had a hand plow and they plowed me a flower garden.  I had some beautiful flowers that year.  The boys had a lot of friends and touched a lot of lives!  They sure are missed and I love them."

After my sons' death, my mother's health began to go down and she spent the last few years of her life in a nursing home.  On August 29, 1996, nine months after my husband Leon went home, God called her to join her family in Heaven.  I wish we had opened up more to each other; we could have been a lot closer.  Instead there was a wedge between us after Leon Jr. and Wayne died, until God took her home.

My mother-in-law, Violet, was the opposite of my mother and was very open with her feelings.  She would share some memories of my sons and cry with me.  On the first anniversary of my sons' death, we asked relatives and friends to write down some memories they had of Leon Jr. and Wayne.  These are the words Violet wrote:

"I know they loved me and their Paw-Paw...I loved them very much and sure do miss them, but God loved them too much and for some unknown reason took them, but I will see them again someday."

On March 24, 1994, she did see them again when God called her home.  I am glad that her own son, my first husband Leon, did not die until Nov. 26, 1995 ~ so that she did not have to suffer the pain of losing him.

As you can see, my sons' grandparents grieved differently ~ but they did grieve!  It is our prayer that those of you on our mailing list who have parents still living will include your parents as you work on your healing.

• Grandparents grieve too.  Not only do they grieve for their grandchild but they grieve for their own child.  All the stages of grief are theirs also:
• Grief is individual: Grandfathers many grieve differently than grandmothers. 
• Grandparents have the protective numbness we call denial for awhile too.  They may "talk" to their grandchild as if he or she is still alive.
• Anger & frustration may be present.  This anger can be directed toward the grandchild, their spouse, the child's parents, God etc.
• "What if...?", "Why didn't I...?" are common as guilt feelings arise.  They may feel this for themselves and towards their children.  Sometimes there are multiple losses: two grandchildren, a child & grandchild.  Guilt can occur because the grandparent lives on & the young one didn't.
• Depression can occur with those who may worry not only about their sanity but their child's.
• Time doesn't "heal all wounds."  Grief takes a lot longer than society cares to admit.  Grandparents need help too: other grandparents who have gone through grief; reading about grief; from their church etc.
• "Grief work" is real difficult stuff.  Many grandfathers grew up with the idea that "grown men don't cry"; then the rest of the family feel that they're not grieving.  Grief makes you tired.  Tears are healing.
• "Why?"  It is tough to answer the unanswerable.  Once you accept that there is no answer, it's still tough to "get back to normal."  Holidays, birthdays and anniversaries are still stressful.  But there may be a deeper love for those grandchildren who do survive.  There will be a better understanding of those who experience similar loss.
• "Grief is the price we pay for loving.  Grandparents love both the dead grandchild and the grieving parents.  As they grieve and try to understand...healing will occur...grandparents will recall the happy times they once shared with their children & their grandchild."

The following suggestions for helping grandparents in grief was taken from a web site of Bereavement Magazine (undated), Address: 4765 Carefree Circle, Colorado Springs, CO 80917

• Send sympathy cards.  They are more appreciated than you know.
• Say, "I'll call you soon to see if you need anything" and then CALL
• Don't suggest they call, chances are they won't want to be a "bother."
• Make calls and visits brief unless they indicate they want a longer conversation.
• Listen, but don't give advice.   Even if you've walked in their shoes, use caution about advice.
• If they cry, let your own discomfort be secondary to their pain.
• Since the primary concern of grieving grandparents is usually their own child, it is thoughtful to offer help with washing dishes, mowing lawns, shoveling snow, running errands and chauffeuring.
• Above all, they need time for their sorrow ~ sometimes several years.
• They need listeners who will allow them to talk about their grandchild in their own time and in their own way.
• Don't be reluctant to share a fond remembrance if you have one.
• Every day they are dealing with words like "funeral", "casket" and "grave."  Don't be afraid of that terminology.
• If they cry, remember it is because of the situation and you can't change that, just as they can't change it for their own children.
• They will be grateful if anniversaries of their grandchild's birth and death are remembered.  They will also appreciate a note or card every so often just to remind them they are being remembered and cared about.
• They are especially grateful if their own children include them in any discussions or decisions, and they can often bring a great deal of support and wisdom.

Mother Against Drunk Driving offers these suggestions:

• Realize a grandparent's grief is unique; they mourn the death on many levels: their grief, their child's grief etc.
• Acknowledge the Grandparent's search for meaning.  The death of a grandchild violates the natural order of life and seems terribly unfair.
• Respect faith and spirituality; mourning and faith are not manually exclusive.  The grandparent may struggle with feelings of doubt about God's plan or the afterlife.
• Listen with your heart.  Listen without judging.  Simply spend time with them, even if they aren't "talkers."
• Be compassionate.  Let the grandparent express feelings without fear of criticism.  Don't try to take away the hurt, sorrow and pain; you can't. 
• Avoid clichés.  Don't say things like: "God needed another angel in Heaven"; don't worry, your children can have another child"; "You have to be strong for you child." 
• Offer practical help: prepare food, clean the house etc. now and in later months.
• Write a personal note: Share a favorite memory; use the name of the grandchild.  Hearing their name can be comforting.
• Be aware of Holidays, the grandchild's birthday and anniversary of their death.  Visit the grandparents, call them or write a note.

~MORE ON GRANDPARENTS IN GRIEF~

Just as the parent does, the grandparent loses his future.  One of the joys of being a grandparent is knowing that through grandchildren, they achieve immortality.  In the case of any only grandchild, there won't be a future generation to carry on the name.  Their own dreams may be shattered ~ they will not be called Grandma or Grandpa.

Grandparents can feel guilt; they survived their grandchild.  Grandparents, especially those in poor health or past retirement age, usually feel they have lived a full life and the grandchild was denied the opportunity.  They may spend a lot of time searching for a reason why their grandchild died: Was it their genes?  Etc.  Later, grandparents may lack energy & lose interest in the things they used to do.

Grandparents can feel anger just as parents do.  They can be angry at God for taking the child or not not taking them instead.  They can be angry at the person who caused the death; even if it's the grandchild's fault.  However if it were a SIDS death, which is not predictable or preventable, then the grandparent must reassure the parents that there was nothing they did wrong and there was nothing anyone could have done to save the child's life.

Many grandparents try to take over necessary tasks such as cooking or caring for surviving siblings.  Bereaved parents need to affirm to grandparents how helpful this is.  No matter how devastated everyone feels, children need to eat, to bathe and be supervised.  Sometimes in their grief, parents may push away from the grandparents' efforts to assist.  Try not to take this personally & especially don't withdraw your support.  The best thing a grandparents can do then is just be there, to listen and to accept any feelings that are expressed.  They should not pressure their child about religious decisions, packing away the child's belongings etc.

Suppressing grief trying to show emotional support for their child, is as damaging for grandparents as it is for the parents or anyone else.  Some parents may view this as a lack of concern.  Grandparents need to remember that grief is intensely personal.  There is no "correct" way to mourn, and the parents don't need to hear "you ought to be feeling better now."

Bereaved parents need to be honest with their parents about their needs.  They must let them know how they can help, but at the same time, bereaved parents need to be aware that grandparents need to be consoled and comforted.

(The above comments borrowed from Hospice of the Valley: Phoenix AZ; Scottish Cot Death Trust; Bereavement Association of St. John's Region. 

~HOLIDAY HELPS (NEWSLETTER ~ NOV/DEC 2002)

GRANDPARENTS IN GRIEF~ PAGE TWO (NEWSLETTER ~ JAN/FEB 2002)

~GRIEF SUPPORT INFORMATION~ PAGE INDEX