I also am an empath, which can be good or bad, but sometimes it is bad.. really bad. The last time I felt it incredibly bad, I wanted to cut, and I have never felt that urge that bad before. So, sometimes, my gift (as all gifts are) is a curse. I also see things, sometimes, and that, as well, can be a bad thing.
I used to be Catholic, but not anymore. It was just not for me. Too many things pointed away from it for me to ignore. I consider myself pagan, now. I am continually looking into learning more about it, and hope to know all I can about it. I also read Tarot, and the deck I use for my readings is the Thoth deck, a very complicated deck, and one of the hardest to learn. But it is the one that chose me, the one I am made to use.
I let everything out in my online journals, through Blurty, DeadJournal and LiveJournal. It is a good thing, too, else I would not have met some of the friends I have now. Many of the friends I have on LiveJournal I have grown really close to, and there are a few that I consider as close as siblings, even. It has also caused me to be addicted to online quizzes, which is, in itself, quite funny.
In any case, I am getting to know myself better as an empath. And that is one trait of mine that is a double-edged sword—both a gift and a curse. Not to mention the possible bipolar disorder. [sigh]
Anyways, enough about me, more about me! I have a really... different... taste in guys than most other guys and girls that I know. For the most part, I like them to be muscular, and especially if they are Latino/Hispanic. Funny thing is, most of those guys are preps and jocks—exactly the kind of people that bug me most. Or scare off, for that matter. [shrug] Or maybe I am just trying too hard to see what is on the outside to really see the inside. [sigh] Oh, well. I've found somebody. Somebody I can say really cares. My soulmate, even. His name is Rob, and I love him dearly. He currently lives in Florence, South Carolina, where I plan to go this summer. We met on LiveJournal—one of many reasons why I say LiveJournal is such a great thing.
My life has had a lot of changed recently, and I've been forced to make a lot of decisions as far as school, life, religion, love, and many other things. I know a lot of what I want, but there is still more for me to decide, more for me to look into. I need to figure out a lot of things. I've met a lot of people, online and off, and I've known a lot of people both ways, and very closely, besides.
I have come across the decision that I need to get over my whole protective instinct sometimes, and I need to concentrate on what is right for me, what I need to do to fulfill my needs and want, not everyone else's. I need to look at what Patrick needs, and how to take care of Patrick.
Okay, and now I am trying to figure out what I am in life, what I am doing. I am trying to figure out what I want, and what I want to change. There are a lot of physical aspects about myself that I don't really like, and would like to change, and am slowly working on, but it is hard. There are also the mental aspects that I want to change, that I am trying to fix. But that is actually easier for me than the physical. At least now I am working on the procrastination and working on the stubbornness. But hey, things are coming along. Nothing to worry about.
But in other news, Rob and I have grown apart in that we need someone physically there for us both. And in that, we have an open relationship. So even though he's got someone there for him, I am still trying to find an emotional release partner. I don't know how I'll end up with someone if I can't get my confidence up, but I'm working on it. I have several options, I think, and I'm working on it, but I still don't know how things are going. So far, rejection has come all too often, and the question as far as why I haven't cut has come up, as well. Grr. 'Tis all for now.
*Please notice the New in New Mexico. New Mexico is a part of the Union, and not some province of Old Mexico.
