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The Jerry Seinfeld Dictionary of Terms and Phrases

Alphadex
A B C D E F G I J K L M N O P R S T U V W Y Z

A

Airport Pickup - 1) a binding social contract to pick someone up at the airport 2) a commitment (to pick a someone up at the airport) that someone makes after foolishly betting a friend on something that they have no chance of attaining (ex. a short man betting that he can jump up and touch an awning)

Anti-Dentite - someone who is prejudiced against people of the dental profession

Assman - 1) a Proctologist 2) a person who displays his/her name on vanity license plates.

Astronaut Pen - 1) a pen that is capable of writing from an upside down position 2) a pen that a crabby old man from a retirement community gives to someone, with the hopes of creating nasty gossip, before Degifting the pen

B

Bad Breaker-Upper - someone who ends a relationship by saying mean things that people don't generally mean - but means them

Bald Paradise - a period of the 1930's when all men wore hats so women wouldn't notice that they were bald or had unattractive hair

Ball Man Experiment - when an out of work, good for nothing, and unlikely candidate for a job as a ball man (boy), gets a job as a ball man (boy) at the US Open Tennis Championships (and injures a top-seeded lady tennis player in the process)

Beef-A-Reeno - a canned pasta dish (similar to Chef Boy-Ar-Dee) that is bought in large cans from warehouse clubs, and then fed to horses, who in turn emit a foul odor

Big Salad (Taking Credit for a) - when a person hands another person a large salad, and takes credit for getting that person a salad, when in reality the person handing over the salad never actually paid for it (someone else did)

Big-Toe Captain, The - a failed comic bit about how the big toe is the captain of the other toes on the foot, written by an out-of-work comic wannabe

Bipartisan Mirror - a mirror that is situated in a clothing store with the intention of making a customer look better than they actually are, when they are trying on clothes

"Bizzaro" Jerry (or any proper name)- 1) the exact opposite of everything that is associated (ie. his/her friends, mannerisms, the layout of his/her apartment, etc.) with a given person 2) when a person (usually a loser) does the exact opposite of everything he/she usually does to realize success (and sometimes failure)

Boombox Incident - when a short, stocky, and balding man takes a teenager's boombox away at the beach for playing it too loudly, and tosses it into the ocean

Break-up By Association - what happens when a man and woman break up, and the man's friends no longer associate with the woman

Breathtaking - what to say about a person (or baby), when trying to be polite (especially when you don't mean it)

Bubble Boy - 1) a foul-mouthed, bratty boy with an Immune Deficiency Blood disorder who must live inside a plastic bubble to keep him in a germ-free environment 2) the same brat who enjoys squashing people at Trivial Pursuit

Buck Naked - what a man might call himself under the following conditions; a) he is trying to convince his mother that he isn't gay, but is a porno actor under that name, b) he is trying to convince his girlfriend that he is gay, so they can break up (only she doesn't believe him, hence he tries to turn her off by telling her that he is a porno actor under that name)

C

Call-Waiting Face Off - when a person has two people on the telephone line via call-waiting, and has to decide which phone call is more important, and which person should clear the line

Caught in a Pick at the Light - when a person is waiting in their car at a traffic light and decides to scratch the outside of their nose, where it appears (to their date, who just happens to be in the car or cab next to them) that they are actually picking their nose

Cell Phone Walk and Talk - when a person calls to convey their concern (for a friend's sick relative), but callously calls from a cellular phone on the street out of convenience

Certifiably Nice - when a person goes to an extreme to be nice to other people (ex. taking members of the older generation to a museum or theater)

Chucker - a person who never passes the ball on a basketball court, but always hogs the ball and shoots

Cleaner - a person with an extremely voracious appetite who can be depended on to polish off (eat) an enormous amount of unwanted muffin stumps

Close Talker - one who speaks to a person at point blank range (usually with both peoples' noses less than a foot away from the other)

Coffee Table Book, The (About Coffee Tables) - 1) a book that illustrates the coffee tables of famous celebrities, and is meant to be kept on one's coffee table 2) the same book with fold out legs so it can be used as a coffee table

Comedians' Revenge - when a comedian, who has been heckled by a member of the audience, takes revenge on that person by going to their place of work and heckles them back

Compact jeans- denim jeans designed for petite figures ("Only people with small rear ends should be allowed to wear compact jeans", according to a certain warped stand-up comedian)

Covenant of the Keys - when a neighbor is entrusted with a set of keys in case one gets locked out of their apartment. The covenant provides the following ;
1) thou shalt not use the keys to obtain food from thy neighbors' refrigerator
2) thou shalt not use thy neighbors' bathroom unless first asking permission (even if yours is broken)
3) thou definitely shalt not be in thy neighbors' apartment when said neighbor is bringing home a date
4) if thy covenant is broken, then the offending party must pack up his/her belongings and move to California where he/she will probably end up being accused of murder (see The Ten Commandments )

Curse Toast - when a petty, stupid person gives a best man's toast and inundates it with vile curse words, prompting the schmuck to be thrown out of the reception by the bride's father

D

Date Implied, A - when a man/woman knows that it is a given that he/she has a definite date (without having to ask) on a certain day of the week with the person that he/she is seeing

Dating Loophole - 1) when a man intentionally loses a dinner bet to a woman so that he can avoid actually asking her out on a date (this way he can avoid possibly being rejected) 2) any time a man takes a woman out to dinner and/or a movie without formally asking her for a date

Deaf Date - when one person is fixed up with another person, has seen that person's picture, but has never spoken to him/her

Deep Fried in Chocolate Sauce - a figure of speech to use when accusing someone of collaborating with someone else who appears to have a grudge against a fast food restaurant, but secretly likes their food (grammatical ex. "You wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep fried in chocolate sauce")

Degift - 1) to take back a gift that was previously given to someone (such as Super Bowl tickets) 2) an Indian giver

Delicate Genius - 1) a highly touted professional (such as a doctor or lawyer) who would not think of talking business outside of business hours 2) a doctor who would charge a patient for a visit if they did not show up (and did not call to cancel), yet would not think twice about going skiing on a day that that doctor had a full schedule of appointments

Double-Dipping - when a person dips a snack chip into a dip, takes a bite, and then dips again with the same bitten chip ("it's like putting your whole mouth right in the dip!!!")

Drake, The - 1) everybody's mutual friend 2) a friend that drives everyone to a point of resentment (ex. by accepting an engagement gift, then breaking off the engagement and keeping the gift)

Dry Cleaner's Code, The - a code of ethics that a dry cleaning proprietor must follow. They are ;
1) thou shalt not wear a customer's clothing (sport jackets and fur coats included) out on the town
2) the dry cleaning business is not a personal closet for either the dry cleaner or his wife
3) tis a damned fool to borrow a customer's sport jacket and leave a movie ticket stub in the pocket
4) beware of angry golfers/customers who suffered a penalty stroke earlier in the day

E

Executive, The - a beltless and loopless trenchcoat or raincoat

F

Face Painter - 1) when an avid sports fan paints his/her face to show support for their favorite team 2) an avid New Jersey Devil's fan who scares the wits out of Priests with their painted face and shouting "Go Devils" in the street

Femininas - a term for beautiful women at the beach who are condom worthy (the opposite of sponge worthy)

Festivus - a make believe holiday made up by a bitter, bickering head of a family, who uses the holiday as his/her vehicle to attack those (and their employers) close to him

519 - Los Angeles police lingo used as a code word for when someone is being suspected of breaking into an automobile [especially for people who a) look like they used to have a pet black bear on a TV show, b) are scraggly looking yet are generous tippers to chambermaids, c) think Ann Landers sucks, and d) turn out to be mass-murderers]

Flagged - 1) a book (usually an expensive one) that cannot be returned or offered for charity because it was read in the bathroom while performing number two 2) a toilet book

Forbidden City -1) a place where a socially unacceptable, short, stocky bald man might go to meet gorgeous (model caliber) women 2) a place where attractive women hang out that also doubles as a meat-packing plant

Fudge Distribution - the idea that one should eat a sundae from the bottom up (knowing full well that the fudge drips to the bottom), so that there is an even amount of fudge and ice cream eaten in every bite

Fusilli Jerry - 1) a model of comedian Jerry Seinfeld that was made out of Fusilli pasta 2) something that a Proctologist occasionally takes out of one's rear end

G

Germophobe - a person who is very susceptible to another person's germs, and is very fanatical about it (especially against people who sleep around, rub certain body parts against computer keyboards, or prepare dinner while simultaneously taking a shower)

Get Out - what a super-tough woman might say to her friends in complete surprise (while at the same time shoving them to the ground)

Giddyap - 1) what a cowboy would say to a horse to get it to start walking 2) what a tall man with funny hair says when excited, instead of "All Right" or "Cool, Man"

Gortex - a material which makes up a very heavy winter coat that would make one look like the Michelin Tire man

Grace - 1) what people say at the dinner table to give thanks for their food 2) a certain nice quality about a person, much like Jackie Onassis 3) what to tell an employee that they have in order to get them to do menial labor (such as sharpening pencils, getting their mail, or getting them cotton socks)

H

Hand Fruit - a type of fruit which is normally eaten out of a person's hand, such as; apples, pears, Hampton Tomatoes, or onions (for people who are nearsighted) Having Hand - 1) having the upper hand in a relationship 2) needing your hand when you don't have any relationship

Head-First Parker - 1) a person who tries to pull into a parking space head first as opposed to backing into the space 2) a person who pulls into a parking space head first with the intention of screwing someone else out of the space

Hello Newman - a typical greeting to a pudgy and extremely irritating person for whom one really does not want to talk to

High Talker - 1) a man with a very high voice 2) a man who gives the impression of being a woman over the telephone

Hipster Doofus - 1) a tall, lanky, goofball who suggests to his/her friends that they should park in a handicap spot, knowing full well that it is wrong 2) the same goofball who is dumped by a handicapped woman for being (you guessed it) a Hipster Doofus

Home-Bed Advantage - the confident feeling one gets while making love in one's own surroundings

I

"I Love You" Return - when a person in a relationship says "I Love You to his/her significant other and gets an "I Love You, Too" in return

"I think it moved" - 1) what a man (who has doubts about his sexuality) might say after reluctantly getting a massage from another man, and after the masseuse accidentally touches the private area - 2) what a short bald man may say after eating fresh food.

"It Didn't Take" - a twerpy man's explanation for his ex-girlfriend's short-lived experimentation with lesbianism that he drove her to

It Girl, The - the girl/woman in school that everyone wants to date

It's Not You, It's Me - what a grown man, who is unemployed and living with his parents, would say to his girlfriend if she ever wondered where she (or their relationship) went wrong

J

Jerk Store - a phrase that is used as part of a put-down by a naive person who can't think of any better put-downs to use (ex. "The Jerk Store called, and they said that they ran out of you")

Jimmy Legs (or Arms) - what a man or woman has when they thrash about in bed and strike their sleeping partner, causing the couple to separate into twin beds (see "I Love Lucy")

K

Kavorka, The - a Latvian Orthodox phrase which means "the lure of the animal", which usually can be cured with a garlic necklace

Key Brothers - friends who exchange each others' apartment or house keys, with the provisal that they follow the key covenant (see Covenant of the Keys)

Kibosh - 1) when someone (wearing a motorcycle helmet, no less) gets karate-kicked in the head by a crazed individual 2) when three thugs get the crap beaten out of them for picking a fight with a crazed individual, who is dressed like a clown and headed to the opera "Pagliacci"

Kiss Hello - a very annoying habit that some people have of kissing a person as part of an informal hello greeting (especially women with funny looking hairdos)

L

Latvian Orthodox - 1) a Protestant branch of Christianity where the congregation is predominantly of Latvian descent 2) a religion in which the priest or minister wears a funny trapezoidal shaped hat on his/her head during a service 3) a religion in which they ask people to wear garlic necklaces to make themselves unattractive to clergy people of the Latvian Orthodox

Leave Behind, The - when an unattractive, confidence-lacking man, leaves something behind at his date's house, hoping that he'll have a reason to go back to her house and ask for another date

Level Jumping (on a friendship) - when casual acquaintances attempt to become better friends with certain acquaintances (ex. asking an acquaintance to be a godparent to one's child/children)

Library Cop - a gung ho, hardened former police officer who is deputized as a library law enforcer by the NY Public Library, and chases down library delinquents (especially if their book was overdue in excess of 20 years)

Little Kicks - a horrendous dance performed by a seemingly attractive woman, in which she completely turns off coworkers and friends alike

Look to the Cookie - the theory that a black and white cookie could create racial harmony among the different races in the human race

Low Talker - 1) a woman who speaks in a very low (sometimes sub-sonic) voice 2) a woman who speaks in a low, inaudible tone in order to trick some-body into wearing a funny looking shirt on a nationally televised talk show

M

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Macaroni Midler - a figurine of Bette Midler made out of wavy macaroni (similar to "Fusilli Jerry")

Magic Loogie - when someone spits at someone else in contempt, and the following happens; the spit hits the first person, then makes a right turn in midair (mind you) and hits a second person in the shoulder, causing him/her to drop their baseball cap

Man-hands - 1) a very attractive woman who has very masculine hands 2) a woman who possesses brute strength in her hands so she can break open a lobster barehanded, or break a man's wrist for going into her pocketbook

Manziere - a bra created for older men who have excess flab in the upper chest area and give the appearance of having breasts

Massage Tease - a masseuse who refuses to give massages to their boyfriend/girlfriend, yet would not think twice about having sex with them or giving massages to strangers

Matzo Ball - 1) a dumpling made out of matzo meal that is served in chicken soup for Passover 2) what a person feels like after saying "I Love You" to another person and not getting the "I Love You" Return

Mimbo - 1) a male bimbo 2) an Italian stud who has bad luck rock climbing

Moops - the name of the ethnic group of people who invaded Spain in the 8th century, according to a Trivial Pursuit misprint (they are called "Moors" according to Webster's Dictionary)

Moses Smell the Roses - an exclamation that someone makes when they witness a person about to shave with butter, and then proceeds to sunbathe in it as well

Mulva - what to call your current girlfriend if you can't remember her name

Must-Lie Situation - when a person feels that they cannot tell the truth to someone else for fear of offending them (ex #1 calling one's baby "Breathtaking", ex #2 not being able to tell someone that their hairdo is pre-1960's or just plain hideous)

N

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Nip - a nickname given to a woman who has Christmas cards with her picture printed up, but doesn't realize that one of her nipples is exposed in the picture

Non-Pony Country - 1) a country where people in general do not own ponies 2) a country where young whipper-snappers insult elderly people who previously owned a pony as a child

Non-Sexual Crush - when a non-cool person has platonic infatuation for a cool person (usually a stud) of the same sex

"Not that there's anything wrong with it" - a phrase that people usually say about homosexuality, after denying that they themselves are homosexuals

O

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Opening the Vault - 1) telling someone someone else's secret 2) spilling the beans

P

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Pig-Man - 1) half man, half pig 2) a short bald mental patient with a pinkish complexion (ex. Elmer Fudd), who tends to grunt or squeal alot

Pimple Popper, M.D. - a putdown for a Dermatologist who gives the illusion that he/she actually saves lives

Pre-Emptive Break-up - when a man anticipates that his girlfriend is going to break up with him, so he breaks up with her first (so that he can have hand)

Pretend Marriage - when a man and a woman pretend that they are married in order to get discounts on their dry cleaning

Public Fornicator - a porno actor/actress, who sometimes goes by the name Buck Naked

Puffy Shirt, The - 1) a funny looking white shirt with ruffles in the front, and puffy looking long sleeves, similar to what pirates would wear 2) what to wear when being a guest on a TV talk show

Put In, The - the length of time one has to keep up a relationship after a sexual liaison

Putting Something in the Vault - promising someone to keep something a secret

R

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Red Dot - 1) a blemish on a cashmere sweater to indicate that the sweater has been marked down due to irregularities 2) the same sweater given as a gift from a cheapskate (or someone who is out of work ) in order to save money

Regift - the act of receiving a gift from someone, and then giving it to someone else (as in recycling a gift)

Resolved of it's own momentum (or volition)- when a trivial conversation (usually about toilet stalls) carries on to its entirety, without being interrupted by a domineering fiancee

Relationship Killer - an adjective which describes what happens to a relationship when a man and a woman go away for a weekend together

Ribbon Bully - a volunteer at a walkathon who ridicules people who participate in the walkathon, but refuse to wear ribbons that identify them as walkathon participants

Ridicurous - what a person of Oriental descent (or a person with an Oriental sounding last name) might say about something that is ludicrous (grammatical ex. "The whole thing sounds ridicurous")

S

Shicksappeal - a female person not of the Jewish faith, who is found to be attractive to Jewish males, especially horny teenagers who had just been Bar-Mitzvahed

Shmoopie - 1) a term of endearment between a couple that is very annoying to their friends 2) a term of endearment that a man uses on a woman, before he dumps her for the Soup Nazi

Showcasing One's Non-Date Personality - 1) when a person sets up a double-date in order that their date can get a general idea of their normal personality when not on a date 2) when a man on a double-date goes out of his way to be liked by the other woman in the double-date

Shrinkage - 1) what happens to a man's genitalia after being in contact with water (especially cold water) 2) what to tell a woman who mistakenly sees a man's genitalia in the shrunken stage, and finds it humorous

Sidler - a person who always seems to suddenly appear at another person's side

Slip One Past the Goalie - the act of impregnating a woman

Soup Nazi - 1) a take-out soup restaurant that serves many varieties of soup, but only soup 2) a temperamental foreigner who owns a soup restaurant, and either refuses to serve a customer or throws him/her out of the restaurant for the slightest little annoyance

Spare a Square (Can You) - what to ask a person if one happens to be in a public bathroom stall and runs out of toilet paper (grammatical ex. "Excuse me, but can you spare a square? No?!? Well then, how about a ply?")

Stab Worthy - a man that routinely gets involved in bad relationship break-ups, and gets physically injured in the process, due to his below-the-belt insults Step off - 1) what to say to someone as opposed to telling them to either "Get lost", "Beat it", or "Hit the road" 2) what an Italian macho stud might say to a former bald-headed friend who didn't secure a rope while they were rock-climbing (and the Italian macho stud broke his nose)

Stopping Short - the act of slamming hard on an automobile's brake pedal, and at the same time reaching over and putting one's arm in front of the front seat passenger as a means of protecting them from hitting the dash board (and gaining sexual gratification from the experience)

Super Bowl Sex Romp - the idea of taking a woman out of town to see the Super Bowl with the predetermined notion of getting her into the sack

Svenjolly - what a mixed-up woman might accidentally call her psychiatrist-boyfriend if he were to have a mental hold over her (according to Webster's dictionary, the word is really "Svengali")

Sweet Fancy Moses - an exclamation that someone makes when they watch a terrible dancer, especially a dancer that uses spastic "Little Kicks"

Switch, The - when a man dates a woman, then switches to dating her roommate because the 1st woman never laughs, while the 2nd one does

T

Tap, The - a sign that a woman uses (tapping her partner's shoulder) to stop a sexual encounter, sort of like the manager coming to the mound and summoning a relief pitcher There's a clock over there - what a lazy, anti-social person would say to a stranger who asks for the time, knowing full well that the person being asked has a watch on their wrist

"These pretzels are making me thirsty" - a tall, Hipster Doofus's only line in a Woody Allen movie

TV Show About Nothing, A - a silly, sometimes non-sensical situation comedy about the mundane lives of a stand-up comic and his three goofy friends

U

Upstairs Invite - when a woman invites herself up to a man's apartment (like Mae West would) to try and find something, in turn giving him false hope that she might be promiscuous

Uromysitisis poisoning- a fictitious ailment that someone invents as an explanation as to why they urinated in public

V

Vandalay Industries - 1) a fictitious company which manufactures latex 2) a company which is made up by someone who is out of work and is trying to convince the Department of Unemployment that he/she is being considered for a job with the fictitious company to keep up his/her unemployment benefits

Vegetable Lasagna - an airplane passenger (who happens to be a very dull person) who gets caught in the middle of a petty couple who constantly fight

Vertical Leap Training Shoes - 1) a specially designed athletic shoe made to promote higher leaps from an athlete 2) a silly looking sneaker which looks like a Ping Pong racquet was glued to the bottom of it 3) an athletic shoe which causes a person to appear to be handicapped

Vomit Streak - when a person has not vomited in a long period of time (such as ten years or longer)

W

War, What is it Good For?- supposedly what author Leo Tolstoy was originally going to name his book "War and Peace" (but didn't at his wife's urging)

World Theory, The - 1) the idea that two worlds would collide together when a woman in a relationship starts hanging out with the friends of her boyfriend 2) the same theory, but in addition, the man in the relationship would cease to have independent status (ex. when relationship George and independent George meet, independent George would cease to be)

Y

Yada, Yada, Yada - 1) what a person might say, mid-sentence, to shorten a story to get to the point of a discussion 2) what a person might say to hide any incriminating activities that they may have been involved in (ex. Yada, Yada, Sex [with someone else] or Yada, Yada, Shoplifting)

Yo Yo Ma - 1) a famous young Chinese cellist 2) what a befuddled man might say out of nowhere after being given the "Kib