The story behind the site
Once upon a time I was falling in love
now I'm only falling apart
(Bonnie Tyler, "Total eclipse of the heart")
The reason for me to make this site, is that I have to express my feelings. Since sometime around December 1998, I'm depressed. Well actually, December is when the story began (or from another point of view that was 19 november); the actual depression probably began a few weeks later but I can't remember that clearly anymore.
But first I'll tell you something about my life befóre the story began. I'm not exactly handsome,and moreover I have tics. Sometimes I got really nasty remarks about that, but as you grow older (as well as your environment), that stops. But I have never been 100% secure about myself, although that also depended on what kind of people there are around me. That's why I was lucky to be in the highest education level: fortunately those people don't really care much about an outward infirmity. So the older I got, the more secure I became. And when I went to the university, I was 99% secure about myself, and therefore I had a quite normal life. Well not entirely of course, but I was used to the fact that I would probably always be a little different, so I never worried about that. Besides I was happy almost allt the time, and actually I never worried about anything at all. After all, I had a fantastic future ahead of me. And I was an open and spontaneous person; never really shy.
Until the story began.
I was in the first year of studying economics at the Erasmus University of Rotterdam (EUR). From this study I knew a girl who I truly madly deeply fell in love with as time went by; from this moment on I will call her ********, 'cause of course I'm not gonna say her name, after all I don't even say my own name and I also don't wanna bother her with it, 'cause actually she's the only reason why I'm still alive. And that "truly madly deeply in love" isn't just a higschool-like crush (no offense), it was (and is) real. This is the first time in my life that I feel such a thing for a girl.
Thursday, November the 19th 1998 is a day which will remain in my memory forever. That night a party was given because the university had been existing for 25 or 50 years, or something like that. By that time I already began to realise how much I felt for ********, and that's why the party was exactly at the right time: by taking some pills and get on the booze, I always loose almost all of my shyness at a party, so I thought maybe I could tell her. But no. She was there, but all I dared to say to her was "hi." Maybe that was also because there were a lot of guys around her and I didn't know whether she already had a boyfriend. That night when I went home, I had a kind of bad feeling. But I had had that for so many times before (I didn't realise I felt thís much for her yet), and it had always passed so I didn't really worry about it.
But unfortunately, after the tests (the party was given in a period in which we had 2 weeks off to study for the tests), she didn't come back.
I still remember how it went on the first day of the second period: I was late for class, but at the moment the subway train drove off the Spijkenisse Centrum station, I felt fantastic. Maybe that was the last time in my life when I felt thát great. After all, I was going to see ******** again. I thought. And although many people had quitted their studies, it would still be nice and companionable, just like in the first period. I thought. When I entered the classroom, I immediately looked if I could see her. I didn't see her, so I took place in the back row (= on top) of the classroom (the classroom has room for about 600 people; most of the time there are around 4 or 500) so that I could see all over the room. But unfortunately, she wasn't there. Then I already thought "oh no, I hope she didn't álso quit" but on my way back to the Kralingse Zoom subway station I ran into her, so I thought "thank God, she was just late."
But she never returned.
After a few days I began to realise how much I missed her; much more than I had ever missed somebody in my life. At that time, I began to write (type) down my feelings, intending to e-mail it to her so that maybe she would see how much she ment for me. In the beginning I wrote down my feelings just to "give shape to my emotions." If she would read it, then that would kind of a bonus, I thought. But after I mailed it, days went by and she never read it.And the days became weeks. I then started to realise that I had been desperately hoping for her to read it, and maybe... you know what I mean, I feel too naive when I say it. And all the time I never saw her. Until that night after a two weeks vacation.
I took two "second-chance-tests" (I don't know the correct English word for it but I think you'll understand; from now on I'll call it an SCT), those were at night. At the first SCT, she was also there. Of course I didn't have the guts to say anything to her (story of my life), but I did hope that maybe she would take a little time to read her e-mail, and I also hoped that maybe the reason why she was never there was that she was just studying for her SCT's. In brief: for a minute there I had hope that she would come back again. But no, after that SCT she never returned, neither did she read her e-mail.
I was on the edge of a total breakdown. Then I got an idea. There's a telephone guide on the internet, and I decided to just have a look at it and see if I could find out her address so I could write her a letter to ask her to read her e-mail. At the first attempt it was bull's eye; I found exactly one person matching her name and initials. So I dialed the number, and indeed it was hers. So I had her address and sent her a letter to ask her if she would read her e-mail. That day she immediately did that, and she even wrote something back. But not what I, also without knowing, hoped she would say. I feel so stupid: in my mail to her I said: "if you read this, please write something back, *you really don't have to say anything* 'cause even an empty e-mail would make me very happy 'cause at least then I know you've read it." But when her reaction was like "I've read it, good luck with the rest of your study," I totally broke down. I still asked her to what school she went and a few other things (without coming straight to the point of course), but after a few e-mail messages, there wasn't any contact anymore.
By sending her a Valentine's card, I finally regained contact with her (through e-mail); at last there was someone who would listen to my feelings, and she also mailed me back regularly, which always cheered me up. However there was one big problem: whenever I told her something sweet / tried to tell her something sweet (I don't know if I'm good enough at that), she just totally ignored it. But hey, I was so grateful that I could mail her when I felt so alone once again. That really made me feel better.
But... my heart was still so lonely... and everytime she ignored an utterance of love from me, my heart died a little more. My self-image rapidly became worse by this. I began to feel more and more like a loser, and when I told her something about that, she never said something like "oh come on, it's not that bad." And I needed that so much, I really needed someone to say a thing like that.
Yep, we kept contact and all... but I never saw and see her anymore. While yet she's going to a school next to the university I go to. (I saw her only once, she was on a bus and I walked by, but we didn't even get the chance to wave at eachother.) And I began to think more and more that she would rather get rid of me, and that she thought of me as some creep (because I looked up her address and stuff). And how things are going now: she hasn't e-mailed me for more than 3 weeks, and I'm terrified that she's gonna leave me in the cold forever. (To be clear: at the time this was written (in Dutch) it was the night from Friday the 14th to Saturday the 15th of May.)
After being alive for almost twenty years, I can draw the following conclusions. I'm a loser. An eternal failure. I'm very unattractive and I have tics, and therefore little people will see me as a full human being. There are many people who I can deal with in a normal way, but nobody knows how I really am, on the inside.
And I'm so scared. That I'll never feel a loving arm around me. That I can never let a girl feel how much love there is inside of me. I mean, I told ******** and she just totally doesn't care. She doesn't even feel a bit flattered. She doesn't even think "how nice" or something like that. Either she just thinks it's normal for someone to feel this for her, or she thinks of me as some kind of creep. And the fact that maybe she just thinks it's normal, hurts so much: after all, I don't think there's a chance that anyone will ever feel something like this for me, I'm afraid no-one will ever say things to me like I said to her.
(This conclusion is drawn after considering my entire life, so not 'just' the things on this page.)
My current situation
Almost every night, I'm crying. First here in the shed, where the computer is so also where I read and write e-mail and work on this site, and after that also in bed many times. During the day, I can hardly focus on anything, my thoughts are somewhere else (you know where) almost all of the time. Since studying for the second-chance-tests in the beginning of January, I have hardly studied anymore. In the second period I've tried to once in a while, but within 30 seconds my thoughts were wandering away and I was crying. Everytime. Somehow I even passed one test in the second period, with more luck than knowledge. And the third period is going to be a total disaster: sometimes I take a class but that's getting less and less, and even if I'm there, I'm either talking to someone or listening to music, while my thoughts are wandering away and I am writing down my feelings, sometimes in a somewhat poetic way.
There's another reason for me not to study anymore: Nothing else than the problems described on this page matters to me anymore. Why would I still try to make the best out of life? People will always see me as some kind of loser. And if I can never feel some love than I really don't want to live much longer. Almost every night I hope I'll die peacefully in my sleep. But I'm afraid I'll have to take care of that myself.
Sometimes it seems like there's a storm inside my head. As if the big evil (in oppose to love) is all around me; like I'm haunted. Maybe I'm already a little psychotic. There are three possible ways my life will go from now on: 1) Some girl is coming to save me (maybe that can be about any girl from around my age now). Everything's going to be alright again, and I'll return to be like I used to. I can go on with my life. 2) I'm totally breaking down and end up in a psychiatric hospital, where maybe medicins will keep me quiet. 3) Solong earth
I'm still hoping for the first possibility. But time is running out. The second or third scenario is coming near, at a frightening short distance.
Is there anyone out there who cares?
---- Update May 30 ----
It's been a few weeks now since I wrote the story above. Since that time I've been thinking about it a lot and I also searched for some information, and I came to a slightly different conclusion. Which is: there has to be something else wrong with me too I don't think lovesickness could last for six months, cause suicidal thoughts, destroy my entire life and stop me from caring about things. Maybe it could do all that in general, but not in my case, 'cause to be honest, I don't know ******** very well, so I really think there's also something else wrong with me. Someone (who knows much about this subject) told me lately that depression is an illness. And indeed, that seems to make more sense to me. So this has some consequenses for the conclusion I had drawn:
I don't think that a little love could really save me anymore, and that it could make me go on with my life. Maybe I need medicines for that. I know I should see a doctor, but I won't do that for now. I don't know why, there's just a feeling inside of me, a barrier which keeps me from doing that. I can't explain, but it's just the way it is. Again: I know I shóúld see a doctor. Maybe I'll do it later, 'cause living like this forever is imposibble I think.
A psychiatric hospital will probably not be necessary; medicines would probably suffice. If anyone knows more about this, please send me an e-mail.
Suicide... I still think about it a lot, but I don't know if I could ever do it. Besides I know it isn't a solution (probably... but who knows what happens to you after you die?). And I would hurt a lot of people by doing it. But on the other hand... for me, it's either hurt or get hurt. For depression may be an illness, on the other hand it's also a fact that a terrible number of people hurt me. However, fortunately there are also many people who don't, or even cheer me up.
---- Update July 1 ----
I've been thinking a lot again lately, and I found out that maybe I have had some symptoms of depression even since my childhood. I remember how life always seemed a bit hopeless and painful to me. I used to deny it to myself, and that worked rather well, after all I've had a great time for some years. But deep down inside, I always felt a bit "melancholic," in a bad way. And I also had times where I just didn't see the point of living at all; times when I wondered "what am I living for?" But then I used to get my mind off that subject, and then I got better for a while. But now that I think about it, maybe depression has always been slumbering in my head? That would definitely explain a lot of things from my childhood.
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