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"dear me, you are wonderful. i wish i could spend all my time with me."-ms. erskine's secret santa note to herself "Even though the United States army has a strict policy on 'Don't Ask, Don't tell' concerning alternative sexualities, if you are a bloat wearing alot of make-up, they don't really have to ask now do they?"-Eddie Izzard "I like my women like I like my coffee. Hot, strong... and with a spoon in them..."-Eddie Izzard "communists listen to salsa"- someone on the radio "i'm a pear"-Mia K. "i'm a bag of chips!"-Julia "Look at the little children. Look at their little shoes."-Ms.Arkan "Wow, someone wants grandchildren"-Lexie, in repsonse to the above "If you weren't such white trash, babe, I'd be hot after you!!!"-Ms.Erskine, paraphrasing part of Pride and Prejudice "...I just came across my copy of the Canterbury Tales that i took a course on in college, I don't remember the stories too well. I do remember my boyfriend at the time, and i remember not doing as well in the class as i had hoped..."-Ms.Erskine (said with intentionally bad french accent) " hahah you have insulted me! let us make an appointment to duel and kill eachother"-Mrs. Coach Gonzales, attempting to explain the origins of fencing (talking about the war of 1812) "... the people who were up in arms, well no they weren't up in arms. they said 'don't give us those arms, we won't get up in them'. "-Ms.Koller "I do believe i have the wrong priorities"-Rel "I don't think i can live without the space bar!"-Rel "I only have two fingers that i can read"-me "If i lose another stupid life i'm going to kill myself"-Rel "remember class, apples do NOT equal sex"-mr.dix (don't knwo why this one is on my page and not liz's) Mr.Walters : "Okay, if the song is called 'Backstreet's Back', where did they go?" Mariana (huge bsb fan): :::pouting::: "...Europe." (talking about a doctor catching me while i was falling, explaining that i fell down when i passed out in a hospital) me:"...and he caught me." rocko: "doing what?" "sleep is highly over-rated"-me, during one of my many sophomore year all-nighters I am going to ass to my webpage. -liz, in an IM to me, meaning to say "add". Well, you can always come over to my house and be sterile. -liz, to me, meaning to say sterilized. Allison (when referring to barbed wire)- "Why don't they just burn it?" Allison (when speaking of uniform currency)-"Why don't we have that?" Dr. Cornelis (on how they prepared in school for a nuclear attack) - "You get under your desk, put your head between your legs, and kiss your ass good-bye." "I want an Indian Chief name!!!"-Allison Dr.Cornelis (when talking about babies rebelling) -"Give us milk or give us death!" "Can you drive to Guam?"-Allison "If the United States is so popular, why don't they make a second one?"- Allison (Cornelis lies down on table in the back of room for a little while during class) Rebecca: "if Sr. katheleen comes in she'll think we killed him" Gabs: "It's not a bad idea." (Cornelis sits up) "You know Allison, the Iron Curtain is not really a curtain."-Dr. Cornelis "You have a wife and kids, you can't just go around rebelling!!"-Dr. Cornelis, trying to explain why most rebels are fairly young (after talking about Stalin's body on display) "They should do that with Lincoln!"-Allison "I swear i'm gonna crack my ass off."-Jana "Damn. No wonder she's, like, wow"-Jana "how can you think of your penis at a time like this?"- a friend who shall remain anonymous, said to her "friend with benefits" "There have been many definitions of hell, but for the English the best definition is that it is the place where the Germans are the police, the Swedish are the comedians, the Italians are the defense force, Frenchmen dig the roads, the Belgians are the pop singers, the Spanish run the railways, the Turks cook the food, the Irish are the waiters, and the common language is Dutch."-anonymous "Most people think life sucks, and then you die. Not me. I beg to differ. I think life sucks, then you get cancer, then your dog dies, your wife leaves you, the cancer goes into remission, you get a new dog, you get remarried, you owe ten million dollars in medical bills but you work hard for thirty-five years and you pay it back and then -- one day -- you have a massive stroke, your whole right side is paralyzed, you have to limp along the streets and speak out of the left side of your mouth and drool but you go into rehabilitation and regain the power to walk and the power to talk and then -- one day -- you step off a curb at Sixty-seventh Street, and BANG you get hit by a city bus and then you die. Maybe."-Dennis Leary "i'm the wetsuit"-Kimmi "i'm the floatation device"-Laura "what are you choking on now?"-me, to Liz (btw, it was a lemon seed) "there's a lot of eating in the bible"-sister clevie "i can't email him. i'm an old-fasaioned gal. i prefer calling and hanging up"-carrie, satc "If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?" - Abraham Lincoln "Have you ever noticed.....Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" - George Carlin "I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain." - Carol Leifer "Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." - Mark Twain "Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a blood stain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." - Jerry Seinfeld "It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens." - Woody Allen "Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint." - Mark Twain "I'll moider da bum. " - Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare "Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right. " - Henry Ford "There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread." - Mahatma Gandhi "Wit is educated insolence. " - Aristotle "The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. " - Niels Bohr "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one. " - Albert Einstein "One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important. " - Bertrand Russell “The main thing I like about New Yorkers is that they understand that their lives are a relentless circus of horrors, ending in death. As New Yorkers, we realize this, we resign ourselves to our fate, and we make sure that everyone else is as miserable as we are. Good town.” - Kyle Baker "What do you take me for, an idiot?" General Charles de Gaulle , when a journalist asked him if he was happy "If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me. " - Alice Roosevelt Longworth "A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies. " - Oscar Wilde "Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech. " - Martin Fraquhar Tupper "From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. " - Groucho Marx "When ideas fail, words come in very handy. " - Goethe "He who hesitates is a damned fool. " - Mae West "The graveyards are full of indispensable men. " - Charles de Gaulle "You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty. " - Sacha Guitry "I am not young enough to know everything. " - Oscar Wilde "Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis. " - Ralph Waldo Emerson "Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung. " - Voltaire "When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. " - Mae West "No Sane man will dance. " - Cicero "Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. " - Carl Gustav Jung "You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone. " - Al Capone "Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes. " - Henry David Thoreau (1817-1862) "Attention to health is life greatest hindrance. " - Plato "Plato was a bore. " - Friedrich Nietzsche "Nietzsche was stupid and abnormal. " - Leo Tolstoy "I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy. " - Ernest Hemingway "Hemingway was a jerk. " - Harold Robbins "I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. " - Woody Allen "Sanity is a madness put to good uses. " - George Santayana "Imitation is the sincerest form of television. " - Fred Allen "Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research. " - Wilson Mizner "Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers. " - T. S. Eliot "It is better to be quotable than to be honest. " - Tom Stoppard "Silence is argument carried out by other means. " -Che Guevara "The origin of the universe: First, there was nothing. Then it exploded." - Bumper Sticker "The following statement is true. The proceeding statement is false." - Bumper Sticker "Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." - ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese "We pray for MacArthur's erection." - sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President "Bite the wax tadpole." - Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese "At one point we decided to fight fire with fire. Well... basically... your house burned even faster." - Anonymous Ex-Fireman "Give your child mental blocks for Christmas." - Unknown "I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it." - Clarence Darrow "Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal." - Unknown "Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no government at all." - Unknown "Isn't fun like the best thing to have ever?" - Nikki Munro "Our chief weapons are: fear, surprise, & ruthless deficiency." - Windows "Live every day as if it were your last and then some day you'll be right." - Unknown "The scenery only changes for the lead dog." - The second dog "You and what army?" - Famous Last Words "For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like." - Abraham Lincoln "My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Rich Jeni "The Problem with Reality is the lack of background music" - Anonymous "A behaviorist is someone who pulls habits out of rats." - Anonymous "Despite the high cost of living it remains a popular item." - Anonymous "If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done." - Anonymous "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else." - Alison Boulter "Never judge a book by it's movie." - J.W. Eagen "I think, therefore I'm single." - Female philosopher "I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." - W.C. Fields "America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole." - Bobcat Goldthwait "My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it." - Buddy Hackett "Cute little babies that fall out of swings - These are a few of my favourite things." - Oscar Hammerstein, working lyric for a piece from "The Sound of Music" "Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes." - Baendan Hills "Maybe this world is another planet's hell." - Aldous Huxley "Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read." - Groucho Marx "It's not the bullet with your name on it you have to worry about. It's the twenty-thousand-odd other bullets labeled "Occupant"." - Murphy's laws of combat "The wages of sin are death, but by the time taxes are taken out, it's just sort of a tired feeling." - Paula Poundstone "Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true." - Polish proverb "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia." - Charles Schultz "Give me ambiguity or give me something else." - Seen on a bumper sticker "Drive it like you stole it" - Seen on a bumper sticker "If the French were really intelligent, they'd speak English." - Wilfred Sheed "The philosophy exam was a piece of cake -- which was a bit of a surprise, actually, because I was expecting some questions on a sheet of paper." - Smith & Jones "The sun never sets on the British empire because Britain is in the east and the sun sets in the west." - Unknown history student "Anything too stupid to be said, is sung." - Voltaire "The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us." - Bill Watterson, in his comic strip Calvin and Hobbes "I don't know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens." - E. B. White "For most of history, Anonymous was a woman." - Virginia Woolf "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." - Carl Zwanzig "I do have a test today, that wasn't bullcrap. It's on European Socialism. I mean, really, what's the point? I'm not European, I don't plan on being European, so who gives a crap if they're socialists. They could be facist anarchists and it still wouldn't change the fact that I don't own a car...it's not that I condone facism. Or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism, he should belive in himself. I quote John Lennon, 'I don't believe in Beatles, I just believe in me.' Good point there. After all, he was the walrus. I could be the walrus, I'd still have to bum rides off of people." -Ferris Bueller's Day Off "Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." -Emo Phillips "I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically." -Steven Wright "On the other hand... You have different fingers." -Steven Wright "When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... Eventually." - Steven Wright "Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?" --John Mendoza "A group of protesters who are very unhappy at the rapid expansion of Starbucks have been repeatedly smashing the windows of a Starbucks store in Maine. Customers say it's been really inconvenient because, several times now, they've had to use the Starbucks across the street." -- Conan O'Brien "You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I'm not hungry enough to eat six." -- Yogi Berra "Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die." -- Mel Brooks "My mom was a ventriloquist and she always was throwing her voice. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father." -- Wendy Leibman "I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic." -- Woody Allen "I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it." -- Groucho Marx "One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know." -- Groucho Marx "A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five." -- Groucho Marx "Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others." -- Groucho Marx "I wanna live 'til I die, no more, no less." -- Eddie Izzard "I can resist everything except temptation." -- Oscar Wilde "I have nothing to declare except my genuis." -- Oscar Wilde "When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me." -- Emo Phillips "I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine." -- Spike Milligan "If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." -- George Gobol "Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies." -- Adrienne Gusoff "I like children - fried." -- W.C. Fields "Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." -- Charlotte Whitton "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest." -- Kilgore Trout "Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories." -- Stephen Wright "Nothing?! Nothing tra la la?!" -- Labyrinth "Snap Crackle Fuck." -- Insolent Elf "USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population." -- David Letterman "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter."-Winston Churchill "I have great faith in fools; My friends call it self-confidence."-Edgar Allen Poe "Catch a man a fish, and you can sell it to him. Teach a man to fish, and you ruin a wonderful business opportunity."-Karl Marx "Bad artists copy. Good artists steal."-Pablo Picasso "To *you* I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition."-Woody Allen "From now on, ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put."-Winston Churchill "Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it."-Tallulah Bankhead "Drink to me."-Pablo Picasso's last words "History is a lie agreed upon."-Napoleon Bonaparte "History will be kind to me for I intend to write it."-Winston Churchill "For my part, I consider that it will be found much better by all parties to leave the past to history, especially as I propose to write that history myself."-Winston Churchill "History is a pack of lies about events that never happened told by people who weren't there."-George Santayana "History is little else than a picture of human crimes and misfortunes. "-Voltaire "Anyone can make history. Only a great man can write it."-Oscar Wilde "It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens."-Woody Allen "ur baadd"-Nicole (to me) "OH MY GOD I JUST FOUND OUT HOW MY PANTS WORK!"-me (and if you know what my pants look like then you should know that figuring out how they work is quite an accomplishment) "Turn me on!... Turn me up!"- many people, during PHASE "If you have an important point to make, don't try to be subtle or clever. Use a pile driver. Hit the point once. Then come back and hit it again. Then hit it a third time--a tremendous whack."-Winston Churchill "I am at two with nature."-Woody Allen "I shook with Mr.Dix"-Liz, in a far more innocent statement than that sentence would infer "Wait a second, I lost my arm!"-me, in a movie theatre, in a moment of stupidity. i meant to say "sleeve" "if you love me, really love me, feed my sheep"- a hymn called "Go." chapel can be so informative "There are more horses' asses than horses in this world."-Jack Kerouac, quoting Ernest Petersen, quoting his father. Dharma Bums "Woman, I don't even talk to you. Why are you embracing me?"-Jana "I've got enough guilt to start my own religion." - Tori Amos "Those who dance are considered insane by those who can't hear the music." - George Carlin "Haven't got a clue, man." - Garth Brooks, asked to explain his popularity. "I should have said television is more popular than Jesus; then I might have got away with it." - John Lennon "If Beethoven had been killed in a plane crash at the age of 22, it would have changed the history of music... and of aviation." - Tom Stoppard "I was walking along and this chair came flying past me, and another,and another, and I thought, 'man, is this gonna be a good night'." - Liam Gallegher (Oasis) "I can't understand why people are frightened by new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones." - John Cage "My one worry is falling over on stage. This may sound absurd, but I actually slipped on a hamburger in Hamburg once, and almost fell off stage." - Keith Richards "I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse."- Woody Allen "I am just too much."- Bette Davis "I'm not an egomaniac like a lot of people say. But I am the world's best dancer, that's for sure." - Michael Flatley (aka the lord of the dance) "I'm not confused, I'm just well mixed."- Robert Frost "Deep down, I'm pretty superficial."- Ava Gardner "I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference."- Jack Kerouac "He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know."- Abraham Lincoln "People say I'm extravagant because I want to be surrounded by beauty. But tell me, who wants to be surrounded by garbage?"- Imelda Marcos "Being a sex symbol is a heavy load to carry, especially when one is tired, hurt and bewildered."- Marilyn Monroe "People have been so busy relating to how I look, it's a miracle I didn't become a self-conscious blob of protoplasm."- Robert Redford "I'm a meathead. I can't help it, man. You've got smart people and you've got dumb people."- Keanu Reeves "I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault and I have no faults."- David Lee Roth "Of all the things I've ever lost I miss my mind the most."- Steven Tyler "I love karate, it's like a bible to me. But deep inside I'm so I mean, I'm so sensitive."- Jean-Claude Van Damme "I admit I do have a very nice butt. Some say my career was built on it!"- Jean-Claude Van Damme "He has Van Gogh's ear for music."- Billy Wilder "God is in my head, but the devil is in my pants."- Jonathan Winters "You got to come original"-311, "come originial" "People tell me I live in my own little world. I tell them, 'well, at least they know me there.'"-David Lee Roth Dante: "But you hate people." Randal: "Yes, but I love gatherings. Isn't it ironic?"-'Clerks' "You ever notice how all the prices end in nine? Damn, that's eerie..."-Dante, 'Clerks' Randal: "Which did you like better? 'Jedi' or 'The Empire Strikes Back'?" Dante: " 'Empire' ." Randal: "Blasphemy!" Dante : " 'Empire' had the better ending. I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off, finds out Vader's his father, Han gets frozen and taken away by Boba Fett. It ends on such a down note. I mean, that's what life is, a series of down endings. All 'Jedi' had was a bunch of Muppets."-'Clerks' "Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, you're mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that out."-Metatron, 'Dogma' Penny Lane: "You're too sweet for rock and roll." William Miller: "Sweet? Where do you get off? Where do you get sweet? I am dark and mysterious, and I am PISSED OFF! I could be very dangerous to all of you! And you should know that about me... I am THE ENEMY!"- 'Almost Famous' "Nail them while they're vulnerable, that's my motto."-Sean, 'Good Will Hunting' Bethany: "What are you?" Metatron: "I'm pissed off is what I am! Do you go around drenching everyone who comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single."-'Dogma' Driver: "Watch out for the weirdos, girls." Nancy: "We are the weirdos, mister."- 'The Craft' "Me lead you?!?! Lady, look at me! I don't even know where the hell I am half the time!"-Jay, 'Dogma' Loki: "Are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?" Bartleby:" 'Insinuating?' No, I'm flat-out telling you."- 'Dogma' "I'm in love with a man nearly thrice my age..."-ALS "Don't get snippy!"-ALS "I'm demented"-Ying "hello sunshine"-ALS "you're a crumbum"-ALS "You're really easy, too"- me (i swear i didn't mean it that way) "Why are the chickens in jail?"-mikaila, while watching Chicken Run "help me my mom is making me try on clothes!!!!!"-Zach "You are the computer master!"-Zach "(cricket noises)" "Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough."-Karl Marx's last words to his housekeeper "I am in a duel to the death with this wallpaper, one of us has got to go." (One month before he died on the same bed. ultimately, they both went.) "Alas, I am dying beyond my means."-Oscar Wilde (as he sipped champagne on his deathbed) "mal llama" "help! my friends are all bloody great morons! make them stop!"-me "it hurts my illness"-Ying (confused much?) "There were technical difficulties"-Dr.Cornelis "there's an erra on my calculata"-ying "(hand gesture)" "freakin' "-Ying "napoleon's lovechild" "lil' pipsqueak"-Ying "Rock em' sock em' archeologists!"-Crow, MST3K "my best subject is maf"-Ying (with her speech impediment) Richard Sherman: "There's gin and vermouth. That's a martini." The Girl: "Oh, that sounds cool! I think I'll have a glass of that. A big tall one!"-The Seven Year Itch "Does just walking through it make you want to kill yourself? Then it's a HIGH SCHOOL!"-Crow, MST3K "my life is just one big tilt-o-whirl"-me "no i DON'T want to find my own personal sexmate!"-Xio "Oh sweet information superhighway, what bring you me from the depths of cyberspace?"-Crow T. Robot, MST3K "It's unfortunate what we find pleasing to the touch and pleasing to the eye is seldom the same."-Fabienne, Pulp Fiction "Of course, we are all worms--but I like to think, at least, that I am a glowworm."-Winston Churchill "What's the point of a helmet in skydiving, in case you land on your head?"-Crow, MST3K Tank: "Here you go, buddy; 'Breakfast of Champions.' " Mouse: "If you close your eyes, it almost feels like you're eating runny eggs." Apoc: "Yeah, or a bowl of snot." Mouse: "Do you know what it really reminds me of? Tasty Wheat. Did you ever eat Tasty Wheat?" Switch:"No, but technically, neither did you." Mouse: "That's exactly my point. Exactly! Because you have to wonder: how do the machines know what Tasty Wheat tasted like? Maybe they got it wrong. Maybe what I think Tasty Wheat tasted like actually tasted like oatmeal, or tuna fish. That makes you wonder about a lot of things. You take chicken, for example: maybe they couldn't figure out what to make chicken taste like, which is why chicken tastes like everything!"- The Matrix "No fair! You can't flash back to stuff we saw ten seconds ago!"-Crow T. Robot, MST3K "If I die, tell Rolling Stone that my last words were 'I'm on drugs!' "-Russell Hammond, Almost Famous "Emby Mellay? That's not a name, it's a bad Scrabble hand!"-Tom Servo, MST3K "Insanity runs in my family... It practically gallops."-Mortimer Brewster, Arsenic and Old Lace "In the future, geese will be rocket-powered."-Mike Nelson, MST3K Police: "Are you classified as human?" Dallas: "No, I am a meat popsicle." -The Fifth Element Crow T. Robot: "Thrill as they listen really hard!" Tom Servo: "Marvel as they listen even harder!"- MST3K "Quiver ladies, quiver!"-DJ Ruby Rhod, The Fifth Element "Is the first stage of grief pure unbridled joy?"-Crow T. Robot, MST3K "I only speak two languages - English and bad English."-Korben Dallas, The Fifth Element [After Bugsy accidentally shoots Rod McCain in the head.] "Oh, great. Terrific! He decides to keep the zoo open so you kill him! Brilliant! Well done, thank you so much! Especially for shooting him right between the eyes so that it doesn't look like an accident... Because the people at Octopus will know that he was coming here to close us down so there's our motive for murdering him. Stunning! Well, Mr. Brain of Britain, what are we going to tell the police, who are of course already on there way here?!... Another example of the thoroughness of your plan. [Bugsy stutters.] Go on, I'm all ears, what do you suggest we do with the dead body of the incredibly famous man, who you have just... ASSASSINATED!!! [Bugsy stutters some more.] Sorry, I didn't... quite catch it... What? What was that?... Pop him in the blender?"-Rollo Lee, Fierce Creatures Willa Weston: "What are you doing?" Vince McCain: "I'm freezing him!" Willa Weston: "Why?" Vince McCain: "He's gotta be cryogenically frozen until they find a cure!" Willa Weston: "A cure? Vince, he has a bullet in the brain." Vince McCain: "Well, get more ice!"-Fierce Creatures "You should write a book: 'How To Offend Women In Five Syllables or Less.' "-Rogers, The Swan Princess Prince Derek: "Don't let her die!" Rothbart:"Is that a threat?" Prince Derek: "Don't you dare let her die!" Rothbart: "Oh, it is a threat."- The Swan Princess Brian: "I'm not the Messiah! Will you please listen? I am not the Messiah, do you understand?! Honestly!" Girl: "Only the true Messiah denies His divinity." Brian: "What?! Well, what sort of chance does that give me? All right! I am the Messiah!" Followers: "He is! He is the Messiah!" Brian: "Now, fuck off!" [silence] Arthur: "How shall we fuck off, O Lord?"- Life of Brian Brian: "You are all individuals!" The Crowd: "We are all individuals!"- Life of Brian Arthur: "I am your king!" Woman: "Well I didn't vote for you!" Arthur: "You don't vote for kings." Woman: "Well how'd you become king then?" [Angelic music plays...] Arthur: "The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that I, Arthur, was to carry Excalibur. THAT is why I am your king!" Dennis:" [interrupting] Listen, strange women lyin' in ponds distributin' swords is no basis for a system of government! Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony!"-Monty Python and the Holy Grail "Oh, but you can't expect to wield supreme executive power just because some watery tart threw a sword at you!"-Dennis, Monty Python and the Holy Grail "Oh but if I went 'round sayin' I was Emperor, just because some moistened bint lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!"-Dennis, Monty Python and the Holy Grail "Help! Help! I'm being repressed! Come see the violence inherent in the system! Violence inherent in the system!"-Dennis, Monty Python and the Holy Grail Bedevere: "...and that, my liege, is how we know the Earth to be banana shaped." Arthur: "This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes."- Monty Python and the Holy Grail Basil: "Polly, what's that smell?" Polly: "Flowers, I just got them from the garden." Basil: "Well, what are you stinking the place up with those for? What's happened to the plastic ones?" Polly: "Being ironed."-Faulty Towers Mrs. Richards: "I've booked a room with a bath and a sea view." Manuel: "Que?" Mrs. Richards: "K?" Manuel: "Si." Mrs. Richards: "C?" Manuel: "No. Que, 'what.' " Mrs. Richards: "K. Watt?" Manuel: "Si: que, 'what.' " Mrs. Richards: "C. K. Watt? Is he the manager?" Manuel: "Ah! Manajer! Mr. Fawlty." Mrs. Richards: "This man is telling me the manager is a C. K. Watt, aged forty." Manuel: "No, Fawlty." Mrs. Richards: "Faulty? Why? What's wrong with him?"-Faulty Towers "Aristotle was not Belgian, the principle of Buddhism is not 'every man for himself,' and the London Underground is not a political movement! Those are all mistakes, Otto. I looked them up."-Wanda, A Fish Called Wanda "We did not lose Vietnam! It was a tie!"-Otto, A Fish Called Wanda Otto: "You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, fuck-face, dickhead, asshole." Archie: "How very interesting. You're a true vulgarian, aren't you?" Otto: "You are the vulgarian, you fuck!"-A Fish Called Wanda "I need a heterosexual male, CODE RED!"-Emily, In & Out Mr. O'Neill: "A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down." Jane: "Not if you're diabetic."-Daria Daria: "I don't have low self-esteem." Dad: "That a girl!" Daria: "I have low esteem for everyone else."-Daria "Sometimes your shallowness is so thorough, it's almost like depth."-Daria, Daria "Men are smarter 'cause men have more muscle mass in our heads."-Kevin Thompson, Daria Janet: "What have you done to Brad!?!" Frank: "Nothing. Why, do you think I should?"-Rocky Horror Picture Show Magenta: "I ask for nothing!" Frank: "And you shall receive it, IN ABUNDANCE!"-Rocky Horror Picture Show "Me fifth element - supreme being. Me protect you."-Leeloo, The Fifth Element "I'm going barefooto"-Ying (btw, that's not a typo. and she mean that she was going to wear a pair of open-toe shoes) "Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered."-Woody Allen "Things should be as simple as possible, but not simpler."--Albert Einstein "Condense soup, not books!"-anonymous "Nancy Reagan meets Ms. Manners: Just say 'No, thank you.'"-anonymous "If you can keep your head while those about you are losing theirs, consider an exciting career as a guillotine operator!"-anonymous "Draft beer, not people."-anonymous "Did you hear about the dislexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"-anonymous "There are two major products to come out of Berekley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence."-anonymous "Save the whales. Collect the whole set."-anonymous "In the domain of political economy, free scientific inquiry does not merely meet the same enemies as in all other domains. The peculiar nature of the material it deals with summons to the fray on the opposing side the most violent, sordid and malignant passions of the human breast, the Furies of private interest. The Established church, for instance, will more readily pardon an attack on thirty-eight of its thirty-nine articles than on one thirty-ninth of its income"-Karl Marx (Das Capital) "Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound! He shoots. HE SCOOORES!"-anonymous "Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you get between the right man and the right woman... "--Woody Allen (and apparently his daughter went to our school) "Everybody should believe in something - I believe I'll have another drink."-anonymous "This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force."--Dorothy Parker "Camouflage condoms: So they won't see you coming"-anonymous (sick, yes. but you gotta admit that it 's kinda funny) "The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse."-anonymous "Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired."--R. Geis "Be different: Conform."-anonymous "A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have enlightened him with ours."-anonymous "Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are."-anonymous "If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail."-anonymous "Acid: Better living through chemistry."-anonymous "Hail to the sun god, he sure is a fun god, Ra, Ra, Ra!"-anonymous "Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life."--Eric Hoffer "Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back."-anonymous "Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you."-anonymous "Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. 'Yes' is the answer."-anonymous "Now let's all repeat the non-conformist oath."-anonymous "I'm not bad, I'm just drawn that way."--Jessica Rabbit "The nice thing about standards is, there are so many to choose from."-anonymous "Have you ever wondered if taxation without representation was cheaper?"-anonymous "The worst thing about hell is that you THINK you're having a really good time."-anonymous "No matter where you go, there you are."--Buckaroo Bonzai "When you asked me to live in sin with you, I didn't know you meant sloth."-anonymous "When they ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?"-anonymous "If we're not listening, we'd have to be pretty blind."--J-L Gassee "Where are we going?" "Nowhere." "So what's the rush?"-The Lost Boys "If you're not part of the solution, then you're part of the precipitate."-anonymous (i personally believe this to be the worst joke i've ever heard. i mean, it's a chemistry joke!!!) "Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by stupidity."-anonymous "We've got the best government money can buy."-anonymous Celsius: "Chewing gum helps me think." Albert: "Sweetie, you're wasting your gum!"- the birdcage "and THEN he said..."-many people, tho i believe it originated from Rocko "You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse Fosse Fosse Fosse Fosse! You do Martha Graham Martha Graham Martha Graham, or Twyla Twyla Twyla, or Michael Kidde Michael Kidde Michael Kidde Michael Kidde, or Madonna Madonna Madonna Madonna... but you keep it all inside."- Armand, the birdcage "phone booth, bus stop--same thing."-liz, in one of her fits of confusion "So this is Hell. And there's a crucifix in it."Armand, -the birdcage Albert: "Don't give me that tone!" Armand: "What tone?" Albert: "That sly contemptous tone that means you know everything because you're a man, and I know nothing because I'm a woman." Armand: "You're not a woman." Albert: "Oh, you bastard!"-the birdcage "Anna [Czappy] broke the Pole!"- an odd comment during badminton practice when a very Polish Anna sorta broke the pole that holds up the net (see, now you get the bad pun!) "You're going to the cemetery with your toothbrush. How Egyptian."-Armand, the birdcage "Napoleon's lovechild"-person who wishes to remain anonymous Albert: "Whatever I am, he made me! I was adorable once, young and full of hope. And now look at me! I'm this short, fat, insecure, middle-aged THING!" Armand: "I made you short?"-the birdcage Agador: "When you gonna let me audition for your show?" Armand: "When you have talent."-the birdcage Cecile Caldwell: "This doesn't taste like a regular iced tea." Sebastian: "It's from Long Island."-Cruel Intentions (remember our original halloween skit?) Sebastian Valmont: "You AMAZE me" Kathryn Merteuil: "Eat me, Sebastian. It's okay for guys like you and Court to fuck everyone but when I do it, I get dumped for innocent little twits like Cecile. Do you think I relish the fact that I have to act like Mary Sunshine 24/7 to be considered a lady? I am the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side, and sometimes I want to kill myself. So there's your psychoanalysis, Dr. Freud. Now are you in, or are you out?"-Cruel intentions "fucking Mary Sunshine"-anonymous, supposed to be "Mary fucking Sunshine," but sorta came out wrong Kathryn Merteuil: "The parental units called today." Sebastian Valmont: "How IS your gold-digging whore of a mother?" Kathryn Merteuil: "She suspects your impotent, alcoholic father is diddling the maid."-Cruel intentions Kathryn Merteuil: "My advice is to sleep with as many people as possible." Cecile Caldwell: "But that would make me a slut, wouldn't it?" Kathryn Merteuil: "Cecile, everybody does it; it's just that nobody talks about it." Cecile Caldwell: "So, it's like a secret society?" Kathryn Merteuil: "That's one way looking at it."-Cruel intentions Bunny Caldwell: "How dare you treat me with such disrespect! I got you off the streets and this is how you repay me?" Ronald Clifford: "Got me off the streets? I- I live on 59th and Park!" Bunny Caldwell: "Whatever!"-Cruel intentions random porn quotes. ok, first let me explain: back before hotmail had any sort of spam-blocker, i would regularly get these porn ads that were prefaced with some really odd little advice-like poem thing. I decided to collect the advice-like poem things, so here they are: Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won't laugh at you. It is not what happens that determines the major part of your future. What happens, happens to us all. It is what you do about what happens that counts. Discipline is the foundation upon which all success is built. Lack of discipline inevitably leads to failure. Some things you have to do every day. Eating seven apples on Saturday night instead of one a day just isn't going to get the job done. If you just communicate, you can get by. But if you communicate skillfully, you can work miracles. If you make a sale, you can make a living. If you make an investment of time and good service in a customer, you can make a fortune. Goals. There's no telling what you can do when you get inspired by them. There's no telling what you can do when you believe in them. And there's no telling what will happen when you act upon them. We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons. Get around people who have something of value to share with you. Their impact will continue to have a significant effect on your life long after they have departed. Be like a sponge when it comes to each new experience. If you want to be able to express it well, you must first be able to absorb it well. If you talk to your children, you can help them to keep their lives together. If you talk to them skillfully, you can help them to build future dreams. Life asks us to make measurable progress in reasonable time. That's why they make those fourth grade chairs so small - so you won't fit in them at age twenty-five ! |
