I Am Your Masterpiece

My dear mother

Like a soft new petal on the flower you

gave me life from within you.  I know 

you would be proud of me now mom,

 because I've accomplished many of 

my goals.  Remember when you spoke

 with me in my freedom dream in 1993, 

you told me very soon I would hold the

 keys to the other worlds.  Well Mom,

I now own these  very keys.  

Ten years later and they are mine 

forever.

Thank you for telling me you loved me
 
and that I am your beautiful daughter.

I long for the day when we two can be

one again and you can hold me in your

arms and tell me you love me. Yes 

Mom, there is still a little girl inside me

who is hurting badly ever since you left
 
me.



I didn't think I could get through it,

but somehow I did.  And now Mom, 

three, Yes, 3, of my family have taken

 their lives.  Sister took hers on the

anniversary month of your death,

March 1999, and sadly to say, your

dear son and my dear brother took his
 
life in July 2000.

But Mom, I've risen above the pain and

 the anguish and I've passed the help
 
out to others when I was able to.

I now make pages for families who 

lose their dear children and it is very

healing work.  I never dreamed I'd be

 doing this Mom, and I never dreamed 

I'd be an "expert" on suicide in the

 family.  But one other thing I am an 

expert at is the fact that I will not take 

my life like you, sis or bro did.  I will 

stay until it's my time to go.



I have 2 grown sons and even though 

I did not have good mothering skills in

 the beginning, I learned and sought

help and advice  from people who could

 support and teach me in my quest for

 being a better parent than you were to

 me.  I do know there were many strings

attached to your life and the way you

 chose to live it; esp. with all the violence

and alcohol and dysfunction.

But Mom, you did the best you could

 under the circumstances and I did the

 best I could under the circumstances.

And...now I know my sons will make

 better  parents than you or I were.



I stopped the cycle of abuse Mom; 

I went on in silence for many years.

I entered Recovery and stopped drinking

 and looked after my sons.  Now I am 

on a Spiritual Quest to find out how I

 can be the person to finally forgive

 myself of my poor decisions and 

choices I made in my life.



My main guilt is over my oldest son; 

he no longer speaks with me since

bro's suicide in 2000.  It breaks my 

heart Mom, I need to see him so badly

 and yet I cannot.  He is as dead as 

you are because he says he doesn't 

want anything to do with any of us 

who are left.  When sis and bro took 

their lives, they devastated him.  He

was very close to them, esp. his Auntie.

  All of a sudden, he is totally 

abandoned by the only ones he trusted

 in the world.  I hope and  pray one day

 soon he will return to me like the

 Prodigal Son did.



My other son got married recently to a

lady he loves dearly and I am very

 happy for them. 



Well Mom, that about sums it up for this

 year.  I'm anxious to see where I'll be

 next year at this time.  You know my

 heart's only desire, and I ask for your

 help with it.  I am working on it and I

 am happier now than I have ever been

in my life.  Please help me work it out.  

I know you know how dedicated I am 

to this project.



I love you Mom  and I miss you more

than words can say.  But, I still have 

you in my dreams so keep them 

coming!  

Until March 7, 2004,

Mom, I love you and miss you still.

I long for your touch, your gentle

 embrace telling me I am your

beautiful daughter. 



 Please help me be as helpful to others 

as I can be.  Help them to find me so I

 can help them. The one thing that

keeps me going is knowing that one 

day we'll be together again.

I forgive you Mom for leaving me.  

I now understand so  much more as an

 adult. I bought several special candles 

to light on your day, March 7, 2003.

  And, some friends are going to light

 candles too.  One is in Florida.  One is

 in Arizona.  You know her. 

I call her Mom.

I'm flying down to visit them next year.



Help me to bloom where I am planted.

Help me use my full potential for the

 good of humanity. Let me come out 

from beneath the covers and really

 show others who I really am.  Help me 

to stop hiding. 



 Just wait for me please. I'll see you 

when it's my time.

Much Love,

Your Loving Daughter

Angela xoxo



March 9, 2003 Addendum

Well Mom, I made it through the day

much better than I expected.  Your

candle was lit and I spoke to you

and felt real peace afterwards.

Thank you for helping me through 

a hard time and thank you for the

peace in my heart.

Love Angela xoxo