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Joke 41: Two brooms
Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each
other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the
bride broom. The other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her
white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the
wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the
groom-broom "I think I am going to have a little whisk broom!!!" "IMPOSSIBLE
!!" said the groom broom.
Are you ready for
this!!?
Brace yourself; this is going to
hurt...
Really bad...
"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!!!"
Joke 42: The Aircraft
An aircraft is about to crash.
There are five passengers on board, but unfortunately only 4
parachutes.
The first passenger says "I'm Shaquille O'Neill, the best NBA
basketball player. The Lakers need me, it would be unfair to them if I died".
So he takes the first parachute and jumps.
The second passenger,
Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United
States. I am also the most dedicated woman in the world, a Senator in New
York and America's potential future President. She takes one of the
parachutes and jumps.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says " I am
the President of the United States of America. I have a huge responsibility
in world politics. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President
in the history of the country and I have a responsibility to my people not to
die". So he takes a
parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the
Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old schoolboy "I am already
old. I have already lived my life, as a good person and a priest I will give
you the last parachute".
The boy replies "No problem, there is also a
parachute for you. America's most intelligent President has taken my
schoolbag."
Joke 43: The Harmonica
Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," Little Johnny said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best Christmas present I ever got."
Joke 44: The absent secretary
A secretary, out with appendicitis, was being visited by a co-worker in the hospital. "How are things at the Office going, Claudia?" she asked. "Well, they're all sharing your work. Jody is making the coffee, Louise is reading all your magazines, and Sharon is making it with the Boss."
Joke 45: Attractive girl goes to the Doctors
An attractive young girl, chaperoned by an
ugly old crone, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an
examination" said the young girl. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that
curtain and take your clothes off."
"No, not me" said the girl. "it's my
old aunt here."
"Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your
tongue."
Joke 46: The Poker Playing Dog
A man walks into a bar, sits down and notices a table of
poker players. Surprisingly, one of them is a dog. The dog has poker chips in
front of him and is holding cards. The man asks the bartender, "Is the dog
any good?" The bartender replies, "No. Everytime he gets a good hand, his
tail wags."
Joke 47: A man and his rowing boat
A man is out with his row boat when suddenly a passing speed boat raises huge waves and the mans oars fall overboard! He is stranded out in the middle of the lake!
After about 2
hours he sees another row boat going by with a man and two women in
it!
The first man yells "Hey buddy...can I borrow one of your oars??"
The
other man yells back "They're not whores...they're my sisters.
Joke 48: The party guests
A man and a woman were guests at a party. They had been eyeing each other all night. Finally, the man walked up to the woman and asked, "Would you sleep with me for a million dollars?" "Well yes!" answered the woman. The man replied, "Would you sleep with me for a pound?" "Of course not!" replied the woman, horrified. "What kind of woman do you think I am?" "I've already established that, madam," said the man. "Now I'm just trying to settle on a price."
Joke 49: What do you call.....
Q: What do you call the sweat produced when two rednecks are having sex?
A: Relative humidity.
Joke 50: The party invite
A successful businessman became disenchanted with the stress of the fast life in the big city and decides to chuck it all. He takes his savings and purchases a large ranch in Wyoming, right in the middle of nowhere. After a couple of months of enjoying the solitude he hears the drumming ofNot wanting to be un-neighbourly the new rancher lowers the rifle & asks, "How should I dress?"
"Aw, don't matter," replied the neighbour. "Only gonna be the two of us."
Joke 51: Weekend experience
David and Simon are sitting in the cafeteria discussing their weekend. "Man this weekend was the best!" David says. "I finally scored." Simon says, "Yeah, well I scored and it was the worst experience I've ever had."
"How so?" replies David.
Simon relates, "That girl Cecilia brought me back to her room and said she would do anything I want. So I asked her to go down on me, and she said no problem. In the middle of the whole thing, she starts turning green, coughing like crazy and passes out."
"Damn!" Simon says. "What happened?"
David responds, "Turns out she's allergic to nuts."
Joke 52: Little boy on the bus
Little Johnny boarded the bus and sat down next to a man. He noticed that the man had a strange kind of collar, so he asked him, "Excuse me sir, but why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?"The man smiled kindly and replied, "I wear this collar because I am a Father."
Little Johnny thought for a second then said, "Sir, I have a father, but he wears his collar the other way around. Why do you wear your collar so differently?"
The priest thought for a moment then said, "I am the father of many."
Little Johnny quickly said, "My father, too, is the father of many. He has four sons, four daughters and many grandchildren. But, he wears his collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear yours backwards?"
The priest, flustered, said impatiently, "I am the Father of hundreds and hundreds of people."
Little Johnny sat quietly for a while. As he got up to leave the bus, he leaned over to the priest and said, "Mister, maybe you should wear your pants backwards."
Joke 53: A man is walking home alone late one night
A man is walking home alone late one night when he hears a..........However, the coffin crashes through his door,
with the lid of the coffin clapping
........
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP.......
on
the heels of the terrified man....
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man
locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is
coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door.
Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for
something, anything but all he can find is a bottle of cough
syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin.
....... the
coffin stops !
Joke 54: A middle aged couple seeks sex advice
A middle age couple was really having a hard time communicating about sex. To fix this problem they agreed to seek advice.When they came home the wife told her husband that when ever he wanted to have sex he should squeeze her breasts once and when he didn't to squeeze them twice.
The man agreed, and then told his wife that when she wanted to have sex she should pull on his penis once, and when she didn't to pull it 150 times.
Joke 55: A woman goes in to the chemists
A woman went in to the chemists and asked for some bum deodorant. the chemist said, "we don't sell bum deodorant!"The blond said, "yes you do, I've been buying it for years from here!"
The chemist said, "I assure you young lady we don't sell bum deodorant here!"
The blond said, "well, I'll prove it to you, I'll go home and bring an empty container to show you".
So she went home and came back and handed the container to the chemist with a flourish.
"Madam", said the chemist, "this is a quite normal underarm stick deodorant !"
"No it isn't", said the blond getting annoyed, "look!" she took the deodorant from the chemist and said, "it says on the side, remove top and push up bottom!"
Joke 56: Insurance companies competition
Joke 57: A woman on the beach
A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a bottle. She picked it up and rubbed it, and 'low-and-behold' a genie appeared! The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?" The woman did not hesitate.
She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony." The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for ... a good man."
The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see that dam' map again."
Joke 58: New disease discovered
Medical researchers have discovered a new disease that has no symptoms. It is impossible to detect, and there is no known cure. Fortunately, no cases have been reported thus far.
Joke 59: A man in the library
A chap went up to the counter in the library and said, "Have you got any books about committing suicide?" The librarian said, "Yes. Take a look over there, somewhere on the middle shelf." The chap came back a few moments later and said, "I can't find any at all."
The librarian replied, "Yes, it's awful. The swines never bring 'em back!"
Joke 60: The Cuban cellmates
Three
cellmates in a Cuban jail compared notes.
"I was jailed for coming to work
late." mourned the first. "They said I was trying to upset the productivity
quota."
"Me? I came to work early." said the second. "They said this proved I
was a Capitalist spy."
"And I am here for always getting to work on time."
added the third. "They said this proved I had an American
watch."
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