Six T’s of Grief Recovery
Author Unknown
How long depends upon the individual; no one can accurately predict. Well meaning friends and relatives may erroneously tell you, “It’s been XX months, you should be over it now.” You may be tempted to set those same expectations for yourself. Take the time to grieve now, not later. Unless you experience the pain and learn to live with it, unresolved grief will continue to come back when you least expect it in many other forms such as anger, guilt or depression. You’ll know when you have recovered when perhaps one morning you wake up and realize that choking lump in your throat has gone and you have begun to resume control of your life.
Allow yourself to cry; the tears are healing. Let them flow for their cleansing value; they carry away waste chemicals that have built up in your body. If you cannot do so in public or at work, find a safe place such as a bereavement outreach or self-help network that can understand your tears. It’s amazing the volume of tears and what brings them on (it’s not always an obvious reminder of your loved one)! Remember to drink more water; tears tend to dehydrate you.
Talk about your memories of your loved one and the details of their dying. Find understanding listeners. Talking helps to finalize their death and to dispel the myth that they will be back. Sometimes friends and relatives fear to mention the deceased thinking it will make you cry. Assure them that you want to talk because it will help you recover.
You miss those hugs and touches from your loved one. Sometimes soon after their death, you build up a defensive shell around yourself. You may feel like a robot or a zombie. Allow yourself to be pampered, hugged and cosseted. If you’re all alone without any family, make arrangements with a friend to give you a “healing hug” if you look or feel like you need it. Bereaved children need lots of hugs to reassure them of your continuing love.
You must trust in yourself that you will recover from this grief. You may have begun to question your trust in your religion. The anger you feel about your loved one leaving so many details for you to deal with may cause you to doubt your trust in yourself. It is a growing and learning experience to rediscover you as an individual.
Each person grieves in their own way that is right for them. Other words for toil are tiring work, drudgery, hard struggle, a laborious effort, strenuous fatiguing labor, to achieve a task despite the difficulties. Recognize that grief recovery is all this and more, but it’s worth the effort. You will need to get more rest and eat healthily and regularly to renew your body for this work you must do.
Traumatic events are a shock to the mind and body, and lead to a variety of emotions. Coping with grief takes time, help from others, and the knowledge that grieving isn't easy.
By Diana Rodriguez
Medically reviewed by Lindsey Marcellin, MD, MPH
Grief is an emotion that takes time to deal with, but you can get through it and eventually move on. Grieving is a healthy response to tragedy, loss, and sadness, and it's important to allow yourself time to process your loss.
Coping With Grief: The Range of Emotions
Grief doesn't just happen after someone dies. Any traumatic event, major life change, or significant loss — a rape, a divorce, even major financial losses — can cause grief. Throughout the grieving process, you may find yourself feeling:
Grief doesn't just happen after someone dies. Any traumatic event, major life change, or significant loss — a rape, a divorce, even major financial losses — can cause grief. Throughout the grieving process, you may find yourself feeling:
Guilty
Sad
Angry
Fearful
Disbelief or in denial
Depressed
Numb
Coping With Grief: Accepting It
"Don’t try to run away from it; rather, face it head on," advises Sally R. Connolly, a social worker and therapist at the Couples Clinic of Louisville in Louisville, Ky. In more than 30 years of practice, Connolly has helped many individuals and couples deal with grief and various traumatic events.
"Acknowledge that something traumatic has happened and that it has had a profound effect on you," Connolly advises. Give yourself time to grieve, but seek help when you need it.
Coping With Grief: Finding Help
You may want some time alone to process your thoughts and struggle with your grief, but it's important to recognize when you need help from others.
"You might need more help if you find that, after some time, you are not able to get back to normal activities, you have trouble sleeping or eating, or have thoughts and feelings that interfere with everyday life," says Connolly.
A grief counselor or other therapist may be able to help you cope with grief, and finally start to move past it. Getting your grief out in the open is an important first step.
"Talk about it with someone — a friend, family, a support group. Support groups can be wonderful," Connolly says. There, you can relate to other people who understand your situation, and you can get advice on what helped them through their grief.
Of course, expressing your emotions doesn't have to be done out loud. "Write about it," suggests Connolly. Rather than allowing thoughts to swirl in your head, put them down on paper. This is a great way of getting out your feelings if you are shy or embarrassed about sharing them with another person.
Coping With Grief: Getting Closure
Closure is also an important part of coping with grief and may help you move through the grieving process.
"Depending on the event, developing a ritual to say farewell may be helpful. We have funerals when someone dies and they are a healthy step on the road to acceptance. Rituals can be helpful for other traumas as well," Connolly says.
Coping With Grief: When Will I Feel Better?
There is no set timeline for grieving. And unfortunately, you may never completely get over your loss. But your loss shouldn’t keep you from enjoying life, even with occasional periods of sadness.
"Let yourself grieve as long as you need to. You do have to resume normal life, but know that it's going to take a while," says Connolly.
Look for small signs that you're coping with grief and getting past it. "Happy times signal that you're progressing," she says. When you realize that you aren't always dwelling on the sadness or don't think about it as frequently as you once did, that means that you're finally moving on — at your own pace.
Your mind and body need time to grieve after a traumatic event. If you deprive yourself of the grieving process, you may find that you have more difficulty accepting what has happened or that unresolved feelings and issues may flare up later on. Allow yourself to feel sad and even selfish; eventually you'll find yourself feeling better a little bit at a time. Even though part of you may always feel sad about your loss, you'll find yourself happy and laughing again one day.
