Here it is, the review you've all been waiting for, the one in which Joe Bob compares "Striptease" (estimated budget, 40 million bucks) to "Stripteaser" (estimated budget, 40 bucks).
* Guess which one's better.
* You already know, don't ya?
* "Striptease" stars Demi Moore, who received $12.5 million for her performance and spends about one full minute nekkid.
* "Stripteaser" stars Maria Ford, who received $20,000 for her performance and spends about 10 full minutes nekkid.
* The other strippers in "Striptease" are some VERY mediocre- lookin' babes. This is the best they could do?
* The other strippers in "Stripteaser" are HOT. Demi Moore can't dance. She does those dramatic spin-on-your-heel, dangle-off-the-pole dealies, but she never really gets INTO IT. She looks a gal who's WATCHING HERSELF DANCE.
* Maria Ford, on the other hand, gets nasty. The lady knows what high heels were made for.
* The supporting star in "Striptease" is Burt Reynolds, who is so cartoony as the horny U.S. congressman that you start to feel ICKY every time he comes on the screen.
* The supporting star in "Stripteaser" is Rick Dean, who plays a creepy, brain-damaged, suicidal, gun-toting pervert psycho like he really NEEDS to be a maniac. Somebody please give HIM the $12.5 million.
* And another thing about "Striptease." Lemme get this plot straight. Demi Moore gets fired from her job as a secretary at the FBI, loses custody of her daughter to a major sleazeball thief redneck and decides her only choice is to dance nekkid for a living until she can kidnap the kid and then get a series of high-paid private dance jobs for creeps until she can give the kid the healthy nurturing home life she deserves, because, "Not having her around, it's like my heart is missing."
* And Demi uses HER OWN kid in the movie. Like, her real-life kid. Can we spell "therapy"?
* The plot of "Stripteaser," on the other hand, is that a psycho creep pretending to be a blind man comes into a strip club at closing time one night, holds everyone hostage and proceeds to strip away their delusions while telling his life story and forcing everyone to do incredibly degrading things for his twisted amusement. Now THAT is a plot.
Nekkid breasts: "Striptease," 26. "Stripteaser," 18. (A little misleading, since some of those are half-second exposures.)
Aardvarking: "Striptease," nada. "Stripteaser," yes.
Drooling, panting bar patrons: "Striptease," 40 jillion. "Stripteaser," one. (Have these people never been inside a topless bar? Nobody really DROOLS like this.)
Beatings: "Striptease," four. "Stripteaser," three.
Cockroach-eating: "Striptease," one. "Stripteaser," nada.
Lint-sniffing, with Vaseline (don't ask): "Striptease," one. (Shame on you, Burt.) "Stripteaser," none.
Nails through the hands: "Striptease," nada. "Stripteaser," one.
Actual topless routines: "Striptease," four (including Demi dancing while brushing her teeth, a la "Flashdance"). "Stripteaser," five.
Dancers who work with snakes: "Striptease," one. "Stripteaser," zero. (Don't you just HATE that?)
Dialogue: "They're filth-exploiters of the poor" - "Striptease."
"Give me the names of the guys right now or I'm gonna take a blowtorch to your elbow" - "Stripteaser."
The choice is yours.
If you think Demi Moore is funny in Striptease, Joe Bob says that Michael York is Not Of This Earth
You can write to Joe Bob Briggs, at P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, Texas 75221. You can also fax him at (213) 462-5982 or e-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Famous striper Georgia Southern asked writer H.L. Mencken in 1940 to come up with a classy term for what she did. He coined the term "Ecdysiast," which is still the official term for a stripteaser. It's the Latin/zoological term for a snake shedding its skin.