Monstervision Host Segments for
[host segments continued from The Omen, The Lost Boys and Deadly Friend]
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Hey, I'm Joe Bob Briggs for the big game (Superbowl 1997), and I've got the biggest, weirdest tailgate party in town. I got sixteen hours of back-to-back monster movies. We got killer robots, teenage vampires, good witches / bad witches, even the devil himself will make an appearance [clip: Look at me, Damien]. So get that Laz-E Boy into position. I do not want to have to tell you a second time.
"Midnight Offerings" Intro
Alright. For our final feature, the flick is "Midnight Offerings." Usually, I don't like witch stories. I don't like abra-cadabra, I don't like secret altars. I don't like talismans, potions, stuff like that. It bores me. But I do like this movie. It was produced by Stephen J. Cannell; the guy who did "The Rockford Files" and "Wiseguy," a lot of great TV-series; mostly police shows, and it has a kind of tight TV construction to it. I think it might have been a TV-movie. But anyhow, it's about this high school cheerleader who gets everything she wants because... she's a witch! She's a bitchy witch! She's a jealous witch! A witch out of control. Until...a new witch comes to town. So, I dont want to tell you too much about it. It's got a good script, it'll keep you guessing, so just check it out and we'll talk as we go along.
[fading] High school witches. They're different in high school. They like, screw with your locker, stuff like that. They'll KILL you too, like regular witches, but they'll do it in shop class. I had an ex-wife... would've loved to get her hands on a good drill press, I'm telling ya...
"Midnight Offerings" Commercial Break #1
You know what's really cool about this place (the Mardi Gras float warehouse)? They did "Tightrope" here, with Clint Eastwood; they did Hard Target, the John Woo movie; and...but right now on the special MonsterVision Super Bowl TNT Marathon, you should... the movie we've been watching... the moral of it is--you should never break up with a witch. Especially a wuss like Patrick Cassidy shouldn't try it, any of the Cassidys. This is just not gonna work, cause he's holding hands with the new girl in front of the witch girl that just murdered his biology teacher with her mind. Is this a smart human being? I think not. These psycho broads are more powerful than we are even when they have no supernatural powers. You know what I'm saying? So...anyway...let's move on
Have I ever told you about my 2nd ex-wife, the one known as The Plaintiff? She has supernatural powers. She can smell a check in the mail two weeks before it arrives. How do they do that?
[fading] I'm Joe Bob Briggs, Super Bowl MonsterVision Special... the 4th movie in the Super Bowl MonsterVision Special... we're just kinda petering out here at the end... don't mind us. Equilibrium is off
"Midnight Offerings" Commercial Break #2
Oh! Well that's a cool story. Right? We find out Robin has supernatural powers too, then we find out Vivian's mom has witchy powers... it's like, everybody in the story is a witch! So now it's getting interesting, cause it becomes, "Well, who's the BEST witch?" They even make Robin a little chunky, a little big in the thighs, like she hasn't been working out. The only problem is, is that they're fighting over Patrick Cassidy. And he's acting like such a wienie.
Anyway, minor point. Go for it.
[fading] You know, this is the 2nd movie we've shown today where the dad is wicked. Early 80s, all fathers in horror flicks were abusers, alcoholics, incesters... but at the same time they were weak! They couldn't be total villains cause they were such weaklings. Somebody should write a book on this, really. About, why all of a sudden, ever screenwriter started hating their dads. Anyhow, that's my 20¢ worth. I'm done. Roll it. This is a TNT MonsterVision Super Bowl Special. From New Orleans. We've been here for hours. We're tired, we're hungry, we're sick of lookin' at these puppet heads... what is this one? "Pete Barbuti goes to the dentist." I'm sorry, I'm raving.
"Midnight Offerings" Outro
I wanna remind you that next week we have back-to-back Adrienne Barbeau in The Fog and Swamp Thing, so don't miss that.
A woman went to the undertakers to have one last look at her dearly departed husband. The instant she saw him she started crying. One of the undertakers strides up to provide comfort in this somber moment. Through her tears she explains that she is upset because her dearest Albert was wearing a black suit, and it was his dying wish to be buried in a blue suit.
The undertaker apologizes and explains that traditionally, they always put the bodies in a black suit, but he’d see what he could arrange. The next day she returned to the undertakers to have one last moment with Albert before his funeral the following day. When the undertaker pulls back the curtain, she manages to smile through her tears as Albert is resplendent in a smart blue suit. She says to the undertaker “Wonderful, wonderful, but where did you get that beautiful blue suit?”
“Well, yesterday afternoon after you left, a man about your husband’s size was brought in and he was wearing a blue suit. His wife explained that she was very upset as he had always wanted to be buried in a black suit,” the undertaker replied. The wife smiled at the man. He continued, “After that, it was simply a matter of swapping the heads.”
"Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die."
Midnight Offerings (1981 TV-movie)
Melissa Sue Anderson, Mary McDonough, Marion Ross, Gordon Jump, Cathryn Damon. Leonard Maltin called it "below average" in 1991 and then dropped it from later editions of his movie book. 104 minutes, directed by Rod Holcomb, who also made Captain America (1979) and Convict Cowboy (1995). Not to be confused with Burnt Offerings, written and directed by Dan Curtis in 1976. Also no relation to "The Midnight Phantom" (1935) starring Reginald Denny (the Admiral in 1965's Batman movie), about a bizarre murder at a midnight lecture.
Check Amazon.com below for Stephen Cannell availability on video and on DVD (including the great "Half Past Dead")
Patrick's brother Shawn Cassidy starred in TV's Hardy Boys/Nancy Drew Mysteries, and older step-brother David Cassidy in The Partridge Family
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Host segment transcript of Midnight Offerings broadcasts
©1997 Turner Network Television. A Time Warner Company. All Rights Reserved
Host transcript of 1997 broadcast was unavailable, so blame any mis-pellings on Bill Laidlaw