Monstervision Host Segments for

Hidden 2 (1994)

"Hidden II" Intro [host segments continued from House 4]

"Now it's time for "Hidden II," about a bad-guy alien who likes to party in a BIG way, and a good-guy alien who's afraid of having too much sex, and the blonde chiquita who makes him makes him say aw what the heck. See, the aliens are actually these slimy scorpions who get into your body through your mouth and make your face look it's been engraved. Don't worry if you didn't see "Hidden 1," cause practically the whole first half of the movie is a flashback. Let's do the drive-in totals and get it started. We have:

Hidden 2 22 dead bodies.
One dead dog.
No breasts.
Pipe impaling.
Sandwich stealing.
Stun-gun to the heart.
Multiple slimy-alien ingestion.
Gratuitous disco dancing.
Disco aardvarking.
Space-gun Fu.

I give it about three stars. Check it out, and we'll be here to make sure you get the full Valentine's Day "MonsterVision" treatment.

[fading] It's officially Valentine's Day, right? The full Valentine's Day "MonsterVision" treatment consists of me promising that I'll remember to get you flowers NEXT year, offering to give you the new rebuilt catalytic-converter I bought on the way home for the pick-up, and sleeping in the dog house. Okay, now that we've got THAT outta the way . . ."

"Hidden II" Commercial Break #1

"So do you get what happened in "Hidden 1"? Twenty minutes of flashback, and it's still confusing. See, Kyle MacLachlan--of "Showgirls" fame--was an alien cop who paired up with human cop Michael Nouri--of "Flashdance" fame--to kill the bad alien who was in the OTHER cop's body before he transferred himself to the Senator. The Senator, whose eloquent speech was made up of the one sentence "I want to be President." I think that guy was in serious need of a spin doctor, what do you think? Anyhoo, Kyle MacLachlan killed the alien with his special ray-gun, but the dog ate part of it and spawned the slimy scorpion, and then Kyle MacLachlan breathed some light into Michael Nouri's mouth, and then Michael Nouri transmutated into an actor who wasn't too big to do a sequel. Okay, are we clear now? Roll it.

[fading] What is the past-tense of "breathe"? "Breathed" doesn't sound right. Is it "brothe"? He brothe some light into his mouth? "Brathe"? No, that's not right."

"Hidden II" Commercial Break #2

"That's Raphael Sbarge as the good cop, the guy who can tell if you're human or not by smelling your blood. You know, there's no way to say "Sbarge" without sounding like you started saying the wrong name and corrected yourself half-way through. Sbarge. Anyhow, his big credit is "Risky Business," and I think he's pretty good in this movie, for a good guy. Okay, let's get back to the flick.

[fading] Sbarge . . . Remember when your mom yelled for you, how she'd go through all your sisters' and brothers' names before she got to yours? "Ra-Lou-SueEl-Joe Bob?!" And then you'd go "Ra-Lou-SueEl-Ma!" and she'd smack you upside the head? No? Huh."

"Hidden II" Commercial Break #3

"So it's smart when you're trying to catch evil incarnate on an alien planet that you drag some skirt around with you as your back-up. That's Kate Hodge as the skirt. She, of course, of "Silk Stalkings" and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III. Course, if we're talking "Chainsaw" sequels, I prefer part two, but that's just me. I'm a "Chainsaw" connoisseur.

So we're at a rave now. You guys know what a rave is, right? That's where you have to call a secret phone number the night of the party to find out where it is, and then do copious amounts of Ecstasy and green acid and crystal meth and dance till the cops start throwin people into jail at dawn. But let me just say for TNT Standards and Practices: I do not condone the use of recreational drugs. Okay, that said, raves sound kinda fun, don't they? Especially if I get to do what's coming up now, which I'll just tell you the Latin name for, and that's Aardvarkus Publicus. Roll it.

[fading] See, all the people who don't speak Latin don't know what I'm talking about. You shoulda gone to class."

"Hidden II" Commercial Break #4

"I'm not even gonna bother to kill you, cause you're not worthy of being killed, and besides, then the movie would be over." That was the subtext of that scene, wasn't it? Have we covered subtext here? Subtext is like if two characters are arguing about a turkey sandwich, but what's really going on is that one of em cheated on the other one, and even though they worked it out in couples therapy, she still holds it against him. Or a guy orders a turkey sandwich, and before he can take a bite out of it he drops it on the floor, and then he throws it against the wall--not because he's mad at the sandwich, but because he just got fired from his job. That's the subtext. So you have text--turkey sandwich; subtext--whatever's REALLY goin on. And by the way, the turkey sandwich parable goes back to the Ancient Greeks, first appearing in Plato's Symposium. Okay, let's go back to the flick.

[fading] In Plato's Symposium, of course, the text was a bunch of men sittin around eating turkey sandwiches, and the subtext was how many of the men had slept with each other. Ancient Greece was all just one big closet, you know what I'm sayin?"

"Hidden II" Commercial Break #5

"How come Raphael Sbarge just got really stupid all of a sudden? "You went to school HERE? On this keychain? Well, I'll be." One minute he's Andy Griffith, and the next he's Gomer Pyle. And he's gettin romantic with the gal. Yuk. Hasn't she seen any sci-fi movies? He's an ALIEN. Underneath the skin of a human in a coma is a nine-inch slime-monster that fits in a drawer. Course, now that I think about it, sometimes gals prefer that. But let's not go there. Okay, back to the flick.

[fading] I'm not telling you anything you don't know. Sometimes people like to simplify for the night, that's all. I don't take it personal."

"Hidden II" Commercial Break #6

You're telling me that Raphael Sbarge doesn't know what school is, doesn't know how to use a toothbrush, but he makes the sign of the double-humped whale like he's been through every Catholic school gal in Brooklyn? Course, we were spared the gruesome details of their love-making by the considerate TNT Standards and Practices, so even though they were fully-clothed the whole time, we didn't really get the musical homage to "Risky Business" while they were doin it. Okay, I'm anxious to get to the full-on Alien Fu, so let's get to the exciting conclusion of "Hidden II." Go.

[fading] I have to say, before we go, that I was a little upset about that guy turning off the country-and-western station. City people never give country music its due. I hate when people get all snobby and think, like, opera is better than country. I like opera. AND country. In fact, if I could get a fat German lady singin in Eyetalian about how her husband dumped her with six kids to feed, I'd be right there in the front row. I'd eat it up."

"Hidden II" Outro

"So are they sayin that the gal's father WAS a serial killer? That he turned evil and killed a bunch of people and cut out newspaper articles about it? I'm confused. Anyhow, it's over, and ras bedoin, whatever that means.

Okay, I wanna remind you that next week . . .

And that's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that there's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.

Did you guys hear the one about the couple who's been married for 60 years, who started having problems remembering things? So they go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing's wrong with em. They explain to the doctor about their problems with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor tells em that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down and making notes to help them remember things. Later that night while they're watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair, and his wife says, "Where are you going?" The old guy says, "To the kitchen." The wife says, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" Guy says sure. Then she says, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He says, "No, I can remember that." And she says, "Well, I'd also like some strawberries on top. You'd better write that down, cause I know you'll forget that." The guy says, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." The wife says, "Well, I'd also like whipped cream on top. I'll know you'll forget that, so you better write it down." The guy's irritated by now, and he says, "I don't need to write that down--I can remember that," and he goes into the kitchen. About 20 minutes later he comes back from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a minute and then says, "You forgot my toast."

Joe Bob Briggs, wishing you a Happy Valentine's Day, and reminding you that the drive-in will never die.

[fading] A man and a woman who've never met before find themselves in the same sleeping compartment of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man in the lower bunk. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold, and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and says with a glint in his eye, "I've got a better idea. Let's pretend we're married." The woman says, "Okay, why not?" And the man says, "Good. Get your own blanket."

"Hidden 2" is available on video and on DVD

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