"HERCULES AND THE AMAZON WOMEN" IntroJoe Bob Briggs, with a special welcome to all the Hercules and Xena RAVING FANATICS who have tuned in to see the ORIGINAL Kevin Sorbo "Hercules" movie, the one they based the hit TV show on, with Lucy Lawless in her first "Hercules" appearance. It's "Hercules and the Amazon Women."
We've finally found the violent heart of the New Ager. These people who are bearing down on homeless men at 40 miles an hour are the SAME people who drink soy shakes for breakfast and protest against cruelty to tuna fish. But put four rubber wheels under each foot, strap a Sony Walkman to their head and they become Hell's Angels who left their bikes at home. Actually, that's an insult to the Angels, who are great drivers. A lot of these roller-bladers look like Bambi slipping around on the icy pond--and then they act like YOU did something wrong if they get all tangled up in their own arms and legs. And what are they listening to on those Walkmans anyhow? I bet it's that guy Yanni. Or the new John Tesh CD for loving couples. Yeah, that explains it.
Well, I just ran out of time again, so let's watch "Hercules and the Amazon Women," and do the drive-in totals at the first break. Roll it.
[fading] I know what they're listening to. Whales talking. You know those whale tapes they sell at the zoo? Well, here's a little CAPTAIN AHAB MUSIC for ya, you know what I mean?
"Hercules" Commercial Break #1
Is that about the CLEANEST village you've ever seen? And isn't it kind of a medieval Renaissance Faire kinda place? Hercules was in ancient Greece, right? This looks about 1350 A.D., in ENGLAND. And then the way they speak. "Good to see ya, Hercules?" "Good to SEE YA"? Iolaus is apparently descended from the branch of the Greek myth based in MALIBU. And who knew that the ancient Greeks invented man-made fibers? It looks like they bought the wardrobe for this flick at J.C. Penney's. Anyway, this IS the FIRST "Hercules" movie made by Renaissance Pictures, the brainchild of the great Sam Raimi and Rob Tapert. Sam and Rob made five of these flicks for TV before they turned it into the mega-smash hit show, Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, and ITS spin-off, Xena: Warrior Princess. Okay, let's do those belated drive-in totals. We have:
Seven dead bodies.
Death by being sucked into the ground.
Three-headed giant snake fight.
Plummeting to death off an ancient Greek high-dive.
Swinging through the forest on a rope Fu.
Amazon nookie. Four stars.
[fading] By the way, did you guys notice the juggler in that spanking-clean village? It's one of the rules of cinema: Every ancient village must have a juggler. They were like stray cats. "Don't touch the juggler, honey. We don't know where he's been."
"Hercules" Commercial Break #2
Oh, isn't Ania a terrible cook! Ha ha! I think we need one MORE joke about Ania's cooking. That's the lovely Jill Sayre as Ania. And Michael Hurst as Iolaus the sidekick. Kiwi actor. That's what they call New Zealanders, which is, of course, where they shoot "Hercules" and "Xena." All right, so tell you something you don't know, right? How bout some trivia on Hercules himself, Kevin Sorbo? The first thing he ever did was a TV commercial for whiskey. He had one line: "This ain't Jim Beam." He was up for the part of Superman in "Lois & Clark," AND David Duchovney's role in "The X Files." But instead he got "Hercules," where he worked 14-hour days, bare-chested and in 12-pound leather pants, for five and a half years. I'd like to thank the New York Times for providing the weight on the pants. No wonder the guy called it quits last year. Stick that puppy in syndication and start sendin those checks. Okay, commercials and then back to "Hercules and the Amazon Women."
[fading] Everybody wants their show to go into syndication. That's when they get to sit by the pool drinkin passion-fruit iced tea and watchin their bank account grow like a pig on steroids. [sips beer] "This ain't Jim Beam!" How'd I do?
"Hercules" Commercial Break #3
"We're not beasts, Hercules. We are women." Man, how many times have we all heard THAT one? What's your comeback for that one? "Nope, you are NOT a woman. You are a BEAST." But doesn't Lucy Lawless look CUTE as a button? She's a firecracker, isn't she? Of course, she went on to be Xena in the TV series, and to get married to producer Rob Tapert, who we mentioned before. But I think she fits in more with the period here--why did they give her those 1980s bangs in the TV show? Of course, what period is it? I'm talking about these things like they HAVE a period. I guess it's the period of Argentinian-cowboy bolo-weapon masked-woman murdering witches. But then in the TV series Xena and her sidekick, Gabrielle, look like they just walked out of "The Facts of Life." Somebody write in and explain it to me, care of TNT, 1010 Techwood Drive, Atlanta, Georgia, 30318. Or e-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Actually, Gabrielle cut off her hair this season, but Xena's still got the bangs. Okay, let's do some ads and get back to the flick.
[fading] The Amazons DO go back to the Greeks. Homer mentions 'em. Their original home was in the forests of the Thermodon valley in Pontus in Asia Minor. Then when the ancient Greeks started exploring the Thermodon region and didn't find any Amazons there, they figured Hercules had driven 'em away. So in legends that come after that, the Amazons get further and further away, they're always JUST out of reach. Talk about a gullible audience. "There's no Amazons in Thermadon? Oh, they moved to Ephesus. They're not there either? Oh, you know what? They found a little village outside Naucratis--I can't believe I forgot about that. Nevada! They're in Nevada! Above the Arctic Circle! Antarctica--with the penguins. That's where they live now."
"Hercules" Commercial Break #4
Did Hercules just ADMIT he's a chauvinist? And say "What if I tried to change?" What kind of panty-waist Hercules is THAT? Good GRIEF. Anthony Quinn needs to slap him around a little bit, remind him what a terror his mama is. So it's Tough Chick Night, [enters] and to help us out with that, and to bring us some of your more suitable letters, is Rusty, the TNT Mail Girl. WOW.
RUSTY: Do I look like Xena?
J.B.: You look like you could break my neck is what you look like. Did I pay for that outfit?
RUSTY: Yeah, but it's worth it, isn't it? Care to wrestle?
J.B.: Only if you spank me when I lose.
RUSTY: I'm a Greek Amazon--I don't give spankings!
J.B.: Then how bout you put me in a cage and make me your love slave?
RUSTY: Oh, for goodness sake, just read the letter. It's from Candy Peterson of Covington, Louisiana.
J.B.: Hippolyta put Hercules in a cage . . .
"Dear Joe Bob,
"I love MonsterVision and think you are the coolest. Your infintessimal knowledge of movies never ceases to amaze me. So far my favorites are The Devil's Rain, 'The Fly' with Jeff Goldblum, It's Alive, 'They Live' and 'Somewhere in Time' (just kidding on that last one!). My dream date with you would be to rent Night of the Living Dead and Return of the Living Dead, get a pizza, then go back to your place to watch them--in the dark, of course. Afterwards we could go out for coffee then we could come back and I could show you what a great personal assistant I'd make if you know what I mean and I think you do. Keep making me smile!
"Love, Candy Peterson, Covington, Louisiana."
Candy, very few people have had the insight to recognize my infinitesimal knowledge. We are obviously made for each other.
RUSTY: I don't think that's what she wrote.
J.B.: Sure she did--right there, see.
RUSTY: Look, it says "infant-tesimal." I think she's calling you an infant.
J.B.: She just misspelled it.
RUSTY: I don't think so.
J.B.: You wanna fight over it? Hand-to-hand, to the death? Come on, Rus. [he stands up, and she immediately stands and gets him in a choke-hold] Okay, okay, forget it. Uncle . . . Nude mud-wrestling, that's my sport. You know, ever since you started dating the Hercules guy at Universal Studios. [she tightens her hold] What, is that a secret or something?
"Hercules" Commercial Break #5
Remember that book Women Who Run with the Wolves? Is that what this stuff is? Oiling up under the full moon, cinching your boosteyay, and doing some kind of feminist Tae Bo exercises before going off to rape men? I'm starting to like it. And that was such a nice speech Hercules gave, wasn't it? Hercules channels Mother Love. And I like seeing the bad side of Roma Downey here. The star of "Touched by an Angel" gets down and dirty. And she does in real life, too. You guys know about her affair with Michael Nouri? They were gettin cuddly in a restaurant during the Sundance Film Festival this year. And Michael IS married. He's also carried on with Ronald Reagan's daughter, the ex-wife of Haiti's ex-dictator, and a Playboy Playmate. But guess what? His wife DOESN'T MIND. Where do I get ME a wife like that? Michael, way to go. All right, commercials and back to the flick. Go.
[fading] Although, think about that--the ex-wife of Haiti's ex-dictator. That just sounds plain DANGEROUS, don't you think? Let's not get carried away, Mike. Remember when we showed The Serpent and the Rainbow? The nail-through-the-scrotum scene? Mike! If you're going anywhere in the whole Caribbean area, do not mix your sex with politics. They got voodoo powder, and, more important, they've got machetes.
"Hercules" Commercial Break #6
What a bunch of WEENIES. Do you believe that? The whole message of this movie is that, if guys will just get in touch with their female sides, then women will be putty in their hands. But look who gets Lucy Lawless. The 164-year-old lech, Anthony Quinn! I wonder if Lucy looks back on her career and says, "Yeah, the real turning point was that hot sex scene with Anthony Quinn." Okay, we're closing in on the end, here. And, by the way, those of you who are in mourning over the loss of the "Hercules" tv show will find comfort in knowing that Kevin Sorbo's new show, "Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda" started shooting a couple of months ago. And, of course, when "Xena" ends--God forbid--she'll live forever in the Sony Playstation game. Okay, time for the exciting, feminist conclusion to "Hercules and the Amazon Women." Never mind that "Amazon Women" is redundant. Do the ads, and then roll film. Oh, and check out our website sometime, at tnt.turner.com/joebob.
[fading] Has Xena had her baby yet? How many single TV women have had babies now? Murphy Brown, the gal on "Frasier," and now Xena. Kinda makes you feel USED, doesn't it, guys? All we are these days is sperm-depositors. It just makes me feel so DIRTY.
The old "let's reverse time and act like it never happened" ending. Well, we knew Michael Hurst was gonna come back to life, because he had to do four more movies and a TV series, didn't he? The wife kinda disappeared along the way, though. Did I mention that Potsie from "Happy Days" directed an episode of "Hercules"? Just thought I'd mention that. Okay, come back next week for your Stephen King health update, while we watch the classic automotive horror flick, Christine.
That's it for me, Joe Oaxaca Briggs, reminding you that you can't teach an old dog new math. "Oaxaca" being the middle name of . . . Anthony Quinn. Everyone knows that.
You guys hear the one about the 75-year-old woman who goes to the doctor for a check-up? The doctor tells her she needs more activity and recommends sex three times a week. She says, "You better tell my husband." The doctor goes out into the waiting room and tells the husband that his wife needs to have sex three times a week. Her husband says, "Which days?" Doctor says, "Monday, Wednesday and Friday." Husband says, "I can bring her Monday on Wednesday, but Friday she's gonna have to take the bus."
Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the drive-in will never die.