Monstervision's Joe Bob Briggs Looks At
(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)
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Barker journeys into new frontiers of fried flesh in this tale of a guy
who gets so far into a kinky Ayrab jungle sex-fiend hocus-pocus swingers
club that by the second scene of the movie he's getting flayed, frayed and
filleted by this tribe of mutant needle-head octopus-face monsters that
he's created out of his own imagination. We've got steel hooks, manacles,
chains, and spare body parts on parade, and Andrew Robinson--best known as
the maniac murderer in "Dirty Harry"--is the GOOD GUY. Basically Clive
took the most frightening fear of the pale-face Hush-Puppy-wearing English
weenie husband and made a whole movie about it. What would happen if your
wife is so sick of your sniveling nerdy questions and your sucking up to
her every time you want something that she starts having sex in the attic
with devilhead slime monsters that remind her of your brother Frank who
she used to have sex with before he got flayed and filleted and carried
off by the nightmare sex monsters? Sure, it's a common problem, but what's
unique is Clive's solution. One day, while they're moving into a new
house, the weenie husband slices open his hand on a nail and walks in on
his wife while she's dreaming about making the sign of the double-humped
sperm whale with Frank, and he's slopping 19 gallons of blood a second on
the floor and he thinks he's gonna faint, and so the wife gets her
stepdaughter to drive him to the hospital, only once he's gone something
under the floor starts DRINKING the blood. Frank is back from Devil Land,
with most of his skin ripped off and his blood vessels exposed. But here's
the really gross part: he wants to get ROMANTIC. Here's the really grosser
part: SHE wants to get romantic. And here's the one that makes the Vomit
Meter go off the scale: they DO get romantic. Their only problem is that
they can't go on meeting like this. Frank needs a whole bunch of blood to
stuff down into his gizzards and start the world's most ambitious
transplant surgery. Does she love him enough to go trolling her way
through singles bars, hoping for bald-headed punching bags that'll nuzzle
up beside her, ask her what sign she is, and trail her home for some
claw-hammer skull-bashing? Of course she does. So now we got part vampire
movie, part zombie movie, part tribute to "Psycho" and "Chainsaw" and all
the other documentaries based on Ed Gein, but there's one more thing this
movie needs--giant dragonhead lizard-gut glopola monsters. Best gore
flick of the eighties.
Seventy-eight gallons blood.
forty-seven gallons slime.
Ten dead bodies.
Character actor taffy pull.
With Oliver Smith as Frank the Monster ("Every drop of blood
you spill puts more flesh on my bones, and we both want THAT, don't we?"),
Doug Bradley as the No. 1 mutant "cenobite" who leads the Hamburger Helper
people ("No tears, please, it's a waste of good suffering"), and the
cruel-lipped laser-eyes Clare Higgins as Julia, the wife who will do
ANYTHING for the love of a zombie in the attic, even if it means
sacrificing her personal ethics.
© 2000 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights
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