Speaking of people with a couple of buttons missing on their remote, Clive Barker is back for the third time with "Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth," and this time the kinky sex demons from hell are recruiting depraved disco owners and attacking entire dance floors full of leering singles, ripping their flesh off with steel hooks, and leaving them wailing in little clumps of black leather and ankle chains. You know, sex in the movies started getting real dangerous in 1980, when Friday the 13th came out, but THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
Pinhead, the guy with the nails in his face who's becoming more famous than Freddy Krueger, comes back to torment a TV news reporter played by the lissome and nubile Terry Farrell. (I have no idea what "lissome" or "nubile" means, but I've always wanted to use those words in a sentence.) Terry is tracking down leads to try to find out what is happening to the guys being wheeled into hospital emergency rooms, where their bodies explode after being ripped apart with grapple hooks that come down out of the sky. Pretty soon she's rooming with a little disco waif who seems to be sleeping with these guys, and before she knows it, she's walking through windows and entering other dimensions and being chased by the Clive Barker army of underworld sex creatures, and . . . well, it's not "Hellraiser 2," but it's pretty decent.
There's this one part where the demons kill everybody by flinging CD's like Frisbees into people's skulls.
I'm not kidding.
Eighty-three dead bodies.
One massive motor vehicle chase.
Cops burned alive.
Battle of the Goohead Demons.
Bloody rat attack.
Exploding hospital patient.
Grapple hook Fu.
Brass knuckle Fu.
Weird sex sculpture Fu.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Paula Marshall, as the little disco bimbo, for saying "I don't dream";
Kevin Bernhardt, as the sleazoid disco owner, for saying "Get dressed and get out of here";
Terry Farrell of Star Trek:Deep Space 9, as the TV reporter with a mission in the sex underworld, for saying "I just walked into madness for you! Talk!";
and Doug Bradley, as Pinhead the sex demon, for saying "Appetite sated, desire indulged" and
"There is only flesh" and
"I am offering you a place at my right hand--flesh, power, dominion."
Joe Bob says check it out
To: Editor (Aspen Times Daily):
Normally I don't pay much attention to Joe Briggs' column, redneck humor notwithstanding. I can't take a whole lot from a guy whose I.Q. is smaller than his hat size. However, his inane, insulting piece on immigration begs a response.
The insulting part is J.B.'s attitude that if you make your living with your hands and the sweat of your brow then you're an ignorant, valueless member of our society whose job is expendable. Shove that Ralphus characterization where the sun don't shine, Joe Boy!
All U.S. workers should be accorded job and wage protection from illegal foreign competition. If Denny's can't make it without exploiting illegal aliens, then we don't need Denny's either!
This sea of unskilled scab labor that floods the Rio Grande by the millions annually is undercutting U.S. workers' wages and standard of living. They are burdening school budgets with dual language instruction. They regularly take advantage of free medical services that their Anglo counterparts must pay for. And a growing segment of Joe Bob's "cream of the crop" are peddling misery by the gram with a worst-case scenario of a free trip home.
In fact, the only time illegals are deported anymore is when the DEA is involved. That might have something to do with the fact that the entire western slope of Colorado is covered by one INS agent. Funds have been so scarce that the only immigration phone line in Colorado was disconnected last week in Denver.
This makes dollars and sense to jackasses like Joe and unethical businessmen who have taken to screwing the U.S. worker as a matter of habit.
Who cares if Denny's goes bankrupt? We do not need any more wetbacks. Do you understand this now, Joe Boy?
Let me get this straight.
YOU are calling ME a redneck?
Dear Mr. Briggs,
Here are a few topics that you might consider writing about:
1. Was "Gilligan's Island" just an example of Communist propaganda shown in a very subliminal way? Tina Louise sure looks Russian to me!
2. What exactly was the point of producing "Circus Fun" cereal?
3. Did Babe Ruth really put a voodoo curse upon the Boston Red Sox?
4. Why don't they market a video game based on the Persian Gulf War?
Your cosmic fan,
Why don't they market a Persian Gulf War video game?
As soon as you flipped the coin to see who would be the Allied Forces and who would be the Iraqi forces, the game would be over.
Dear Mr. Briggs:
I showed your letter to my children. They wanted to know what a "bimbo" was. I said someone like Marla Maples. They never heard of her. Can you do a column on how our modern educational system doesn't teach our kids nothing?
I can't believe your children aren't familiar with the famous Marla syrup trees from Vermont.
Dear Joe Bob,
Would you do a piece on the right Reverend Al Sharpton? He is my personal hero and inspiration.
Can you make that sound like a person breaking wind where you cup one hand in the opposite armpit and make your arm go up and down?
Carl La Fong
Santa Clara, Calif.
No, but I can make a sound like the Reverend Al Sharpton breaking wind while he speaks.
Wait a minute. That's redundant.
Bulls-eye, Observant One!
I just finished reading your article on who invented the idea "everybody should go to college."
Thank you for trying to rattle the mental cages the masses have put themselves in. I was one. I should know. Now after all too many years I'm learning to cook--to let creativity and imagination run wild. It sure beats getting dressed up in $600 suits with $30 socks and playing in public relations (more like public bullstuff) like I used to.
I finally had to ask if I was doing what I enjoyed. I hated what I did, made great money. I lost who I was, what was meaningful to me. Things have changed.
The key: 1) Follow your heart! 2) Risk! 3) Tell yourself the truth!
Thank you again.
San Antonio, Tex.
Someday historians will write about America in the 20th century, and they'll say, "It was this weird time where people spent the first 50 years of their lives trying to figure out what they wanted to do, and the last 20 years regretting the fact they didn't start sooner."
I think it was Mark Twain who said, “College is a place that polishes pebbles and dims diamonds.”
© 1992 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved
For more of Joe Bob's pre-TNT reviews in Grapevine, Texas, go to his Drive-In Reviews Archive over yonder at www.Joe Bob Briggs.com
© 2000 Joe Bob Briggs All Rights Reserved.
"Hellraiser" movies are available on video and on DVD