(From Joe Bob's Ultimate B Movie Guide)
Zilla's been recuperating in the ocean ever since 1974, when he
splashed out to make "Godzilla vs. the Bionic Monster," and he's finally
running out of nuclear Kool-Aid, so he rises up and breathes on a ship
and turns four Japanese guys into Gumby skeletons and forces the radio man
to wrestle a giant rubber crab. Prime Minister Toenail keeps everything
hush-hush so there will be no panic in the Tokyo streets, but when
Godzilla eats a Russian nuclear submarine and starts shooting his
recharged breath at people, World War III looms with the Russkies trying
to nuke Tokyo. Then the U.S. sends up a nuke missile to nuke the Russian
nuke, and Godzilla uses the occasion to consume an entire nuclear reactor,
so now he's like a junkie with 400 bucks in his pocket. He grins, his eyes
start to roll around like Milton Berle, and pretty soon it's the old Tokyo
Stomp. Enter Raymond Burr! Yes, he's back, standing around staring at the camera like usual, going, "Godzilla--he's looking for something--he's
confused--he's searching." They end up putting Godzilla's brain on the
computer and figuring out he likes bird whistles, so they set up a
satellite earth station that beams mockingbird sounds to lure him into a
volcano. But just in case that doesn't work, they have a Super-X nuclear
jet missile-launcher ready to blow his brains out. Meanwhile, Godzilla is
disrupting rush hour, breathing on traffic copters, puking up cruise
missiles, and getting drunk all over again when the two missiles explode
over Tokyo, turning the sky into a Leroy Neiman painting.
Two breasts (both Godzilla's).
Two beasts (including Raymond Burr).
Two quarts blood.
Forty-eight dead bodies.
One motor vehicle crash.
Gratuitous power-drill mutilation.
Four nuclear explosions.
Raymond Burr has the best line: "You know, Nature has a way of reminding Man just how puny we are, whether it tells us in the form of a tornado, an earthquake, or a Godzilla."
© 2000 Joe Bob Briggs. All Rights
Reserved. Not an AOL Time-Warner Company in this lifetime.
"Godzilla" is available on video and on DVD
Of course, it all started with that great sci-fi movie One Million Years B.C. starring Raquel Welch's talents
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