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One Million Years B.C.
"One million years ago, a cavebunny in a fur bikini invented
mascara and changed human history forever, and I, Joe Bob Briggs, will
bring you that story tonight with our first "MonsterVision" feature, the
great "One Million Years B.C.," which had its world premiere in 1966 at
the late great Gemini Drive-In in Dallas, and we're gonna follow that up
with yet another classic of primitive urges, "King Kong Lives," the Linda
Hamilton sequel about giant monkey sex.
All right [turning to
chart], you are definitely gonna need some information about our
prehistoric origins, so pay attention. We have four eras of history in
this ole Mother Earth. Pre-Cambrian, Paleozoic, Mesozoic, and Cenozoic.
Tonight we will be concerned with what is, in geological terms, a mere
weekend ago--the Mesozoic and Cenozoic. Of course, the Mesozoic is divided
into the Triassic, Jurassic and Cretaceous. And the Cenozoic consists of
the Tertiary and Quaternary, which are words that come in handy at
conventions of rock collectors. Also, the Quaternary period is divided
into two epochs: the Pleistocene and the Holocene, or recent epoch, from
the Latin "holo" and "cene," meaning "the whole scene" ending YAY. So
what's the one word you recognized in all that? Jurassic, right?
Dinosaurs. Where was that? 155 million years ago. What's the name of
tonight's movie? "One Million Years B.C." Are there dinosaurs in tonight's
movie? Yes. How can we explain this? Because look where 1 million is. Way
up here in the Pleistocene. And look back here at Cretaceous. Dinosaurs
are extinct here. 120 million.
UNTIL this movie came out. I wasn't
kidding when I said it was ground-breaking. This movie located eight
surviving dinosaurs, 119 million years AFTER we thought the last one was
wiped out. And what was their diet of choice? I can tell you what, it
wasn't Caesar salad. No, it was the Hominid. What is the Hominid? Class?
About seven million years ago, some of the African apes got kinky and we
ended up with Early Man. He looked basically like one of my cousins from
Appalachia. Remember Lucy, the 3-million-year-old Lady Monkey they
discovered? Australopithecus afarensis. Ape Woman. Then two million years
ago our brains got a little bigger and we became Homo Habilis. "Homo" as
in "human" and "habilis" as in "better dressed." One million years ago,
our brains got even bigger and we became Homo Erectus. And, of course, we
all know what that means. Every Homo has been Erectus ever since. Of
course, then 50,000 years ago, our brains got really really big and we
called ourselves Homo Sapiens, meaning "the wise Homo." So the question
is: what exactly did we LOOK LIKE one million years ago? Basically, as
near as we can tell from recent excavations in the region of Ur, the
ancient city believed to be the site of the first human habitation, we
THINK man looked like [revealing photo of Raquel Welch] this. Yes, sir, I
got your Homo Erectus right here. Yummy.
"One Million Years B.C.,"
the sensitive tale of a guy who gets kicked out of his evil dark-haired
tribe, meets a civilized blonde-haired Aryan tribe, gets romantic with
Raquel Welch and fights a whole lotta giant iguanas and animated
Let's do the drive-in totals and get it started. We
24 dead bodies. No breasts. One Big Bang. One
food fight. 12 giant prehistoric monsters. One bitch-slapping cat
fight. Prehistoric professional rassling. Prehistoric exotic
dancing. Simultaneous volcano and earthquake. Dinosaur-impaling.
Rock-clubbing. Stick-clubbing. Hand-biting. Torch Fu.
Animal Pelt Fu.
Check it out, and we'll
be here all night to trace the historical accuracy of what we're
[fading] What do you think they made that bra out of? I'm
saying prehistoric deer-skin. With pterodactyl ligaments to create that
push-up effect. There are some movies where the wardrobe mistress is the
true AUTEUR, you know what I'm saying here? Whoa."
One Million Years B.C. Commercial Break #1
premiere of "One Million Years B.C.," as I mentioned, was right here in
Dallas at Gordon McLendon's fabled Gemini Drive-In Theater, currently the
site of a used-car lot, because some people just don't understand
HISTORICAL PRESERVATION. This flick was the first BIG-BUDGET Hammer film.
Before this they were strictly low-budget, mostly horror films, and this
movie was still low-budget by most standards. We haven't seen Raquel
yet--I think they wanted to heighten her entrance by putting it off
slightly. But we DO have the very hot Martine Beswicke as Nupondi, the
catty brunette cavewoman, star of other Hammer favorites like Doctor
Jekyll and Sister Hyde. Martine was Miss Jamaica of 1961, even though she
doesn't look very JAMAICAN to me. What do you think, MON? Then Martine
made two James Bond movies and did a special Bond photo shoot for "Playboy," which is where writer/producer Michael Carreras spotted her. He
was reading it for the articles, I'm sure. Anyhow, he cast her in "One
Million Years B.C." She did another cavebunny role as the evil queen who
worships the sacred white rhino in "Prehistoric Women." And then for a
while she was out of the business. She was waiting tables for a while. She
made "The Happy Hooker Goes Hollywood"--best of the Happy Hooker sequels,
by the way. She did commercials for Sambo's. Martine, if you're watching,
where are you, honey? Give us a call. We need to have you on the
Okay, before we go back to the flick, let's check our charts
here. Within the Pleistocene, or Glacial Epoch, we've got the Upper,
Middle and Lower Paleolithic. A million years ago was the Lower
Paleolithic. Let's see, we had barbecued warthog in that last part.
Evidence of animal bones which appear to have been deliberately burnt are
dated at over one million years ago. So they did get something right.
Animal skin clothing wasn't invented till the Upper Paleolithic, though,
so this movie should've been done nekkid. Ask me if I'm happy about THAT.
Okay, let's get back to it.
[fading] These guys did a better job on
historical accuracy than they did in the original "One Million B.C." in
1940. The girls wore high-heels with ankle straps in that one. Course, the
best of both worlds woulda been nekkid WITH high-heels. That doesn't
appear on our charts till some time later, unfortunately. That would be
the Ordovician Ginger Lynn Period, I believe."
One Million Years B.C. Commercial Break #2
Richardson as Tumak, the dehydrated caveman fighting off giant iguanas,
tarantulas and ape men. I love him in "She," the great Ursula Andress
Hammer picture. He did all kinds of Eyetalian B-movies in the seventies,
and then he basically disappeared for 20 years. The last thing he did was
an American movie called "Broadcast Bombshells" in 95, and then I kinda
lose track of him again.
Speaking of Eyetalians, have you noticed
the music in this thing? It's by a composer named Mario Nascimbene, and he
used all kinds of crazy things to make the sounds--rocks, sticks, and the
jawbone of an ass. Okay, time for some serious fur bikini action. Roll
[fading] The great thing about Mario Nascimbene music is that
you can take a really stupid actor, who can't deliver lines, and just have
him look into the horizon, and you'll THINK something just happened
because of the music. Watch this. [stares stupidly off-camera, with a
Mario Nascimbene fanfare playing as he does it] You know what I was
thinking about? Nachos. Now watch this. [stares stupidly off-camera, with
another Mario Nascimbene fanfare from the movie] Bugs Bunny. You can't
beat Mario Nascimbene."
One Million Years B.C. Commercial Break #3
talk about Raquel Welch. First of all, horn-blowing was not her greatest
skill. But let's assume she was traumatized by the giant-turtle attack.
Born in Chicago, grew up in San Diego. Married at 16, two kids, and
divorced by the age of 21. She kept that a secret for a while, cause
potential sex-goddesses don't have kids. After working as a cocktail
waitress at a Dallas hotel, she moved to Hollywood, and met manager and
husband number two Patrick Curtis in a coffee shop. They formed a company
and carefully planned out Raquel's career, which started with the Deb Star
Ball, a beauty pageant for neophyte actresses. They put her in a white
dress to show off that tawny complexion of hers, cut slits on each side,
and rehearsed her walk for hours to get that sensual look. Well, it paid
off, and pretty soon she had the likes of Cary Grant and Elvis Presley
asking her on dates. She said no, of course. She got her first lead that
year doin a strip tease in a musical called "A Swingin Summer," which led
to the sci-fi hit Fantastic Voyage, which led to "One Million Years B.C." She was the most-photographed woman of 1966, featured on the covers
of 92 European magazines and 16 American ones. Which made her a MAJOR
sex-symbol, but it kinda set her up for failure as an actress. She was
suddenly under a microscope, and a lot of people didn't think she had the
stuff. Her movies kept tanking, so she started doing nightclubs and TV
shows. She hardly did a THING in the 80s except a couple TV
disease-of-the-week flicks. In the 90s, she started making exercise videos
and infomercials, and in '95, she was cast in the failing TV show "Central
Park West," but couldn't save it. And last year she took over for Julie
Andrews in the troubled Broadway show "Victor/Victoria," and she couldn't
save that either. So she stole Cathy Moriarty's boyfriend and married him
this August. 20 years younger than her--a struggling actor who Moriarty
plucked from obscurity in Queens and set up in El Lay as her partner in
her very successful pizza places. How mad do you think SHE is? Okay, back
to the flick.
[fading] I almost forgot to do the numbers. You
ready? 37-221/2-351/2. Ms. Welch says her best assets are her back, teeth,
hands, and feet, in that order. I might disagree with that. Raquel, if
you're watchin tonight, WE think you're a success, honey. A big, huge,
don't-even-talk-to-me-about-it success. Poor baby."
One Million Years B.C. Commercial Break #4
"Have you noticed
that all the red-haired tribe does all day is sharpen their spears? Not
that all cavemen shouldn't be in touch with their spears. But you know
what? Invention of the spear--Upper Paleolithic. [back to chart] We're not
even in Homo Erectus territory up here, we're on to Homo Sapiens. Language
in the Lower Paleolithic was a combo of words and signs, so that's pretty
accurate. Now, the allosaurus--brilliantly animated by Ray Harryhausen,
inventor of Dynamation--way down here in the Mesozoic Era. Even if we give
em the benefit of the doubt and say the allosaurus is from the END of the
dinosaur period, that would still be the Cretaceous period, 120 million
years off. But that scene where John Richardson kills the dinosaur by
letting it charge him and impaling it on his spear is, in most people's
opinion, the best dinosaur sequence in the flick. Harryhausen was a MAJOR
player in special effects in the fifties and sixties. He did the sequel to
this one, "When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth," which I think is better than
this one. "It Came From Beneath the Sea," "20 Million Miles to Earth,"
"The 7th Voyage of Sinbad" and a couple sequels. "Jason and the
Argonauts," "The Valley of Gwangi." He directed the scenes the creatures
would be in so he could control the actors' sightlines, and then worked
alone on a one-man stop-action assembly-line. Man was a legend. All right,
that's enough technical talk. Let's go back to the flick.
And speaking of special effects, Raquel's bikini--they got some kind of
cantilever-construction thing going here. The chamois it's made out of
isn't even big enough to wash my windshield. And yet somehow it manages to
still lift AND support."
One Million Years B.C. Commercial Break #5
"Aw, isn't that
sweet? Loana and Tumak cuddle. And speaking of people I'd like to cuddle
with, it's time for our weekly installment of "Joe Bob's Advice to the
Hopeless," with help from Rusty, our lovable TNT Mail Girl. [enters] Do
you ever wonder what sex was like in caveman times, Rusty?
GIRL: I can't say that I've really wondered about that, Joe Bob.
mean, you gotta figure once they hit puberty, it was pretty much an
all-out orgy. With all those hormones raging, no social constraints--just
one big urge to perpetuate the species.
MAIL GIRL: If you're
planning to proposition me, I believe in negative population
You're not gonna have kids?
MAIL GIRL: Not with you.
Here's a letter from Tony R. in South Gate, California.
couldn't even tease me a little before shooting me down?
"My name is Tony R. I am in the tenth grade at South
Gate High School, and I watch your show when I can! I think your show
rules! I think you should run for President because I would vote for you.
And, I think your jokes are the coolest. It's weak the way you try to
teach people a little science and ever one looks at you stupidly just
because they think you're a moron. But you're not a moron. You're cool. I
wish you would rule the world! "Sincerely, Tony R., South
I love when people compliment you by saying
"Everyone else in the world thinks you're a stupid moron, but I think
you're great." Well, thanks, Tony. In fact, both the Democratic Party AND
the Republican Party have approached me to run for President in the year 2K. Apparently they know I'm someone women CAN say no to. And I'm glad you
appreciate our science lessons--it took me and the crack TNT research
department just... minutes upon MINUTES to put together tonight's show. I
tell you what, when I rule the world, you can be my V.P.
let's get back to "One Million Years B.C." Rusty, I thought we talked
about you wearing a doeskin bikini to celebrate the movie.
GIRL: I believe YOU talked about that. I don't believe I talked about it
You know what I love about these cavegirls?
GIRL: Tell me.
They have MASCARA. Think how many DAYS and WEEKS it
must have taken to find the perfect rocks, pound them into fine granuals,
mix them with pure spring water, and churn it into mascara. That's the
problem with modern women. They just don't wanna work that hard
MAIL GIRL: You're such an expert on modern
And cave women.
MAIL GIRL: All women.
you feel that way.
MAIL GIRL: And you're so sensitive. You always
pick up on sarcasm, no matter how subtle it is.
One Million Years B.C. Commercial Break #6
"Now we're gettin
into the real Super-Panamation. Ray Harryhausen, the special effects guy,
got criticized for using real lizards and insects in the first few scenes.
The giant iguana, the giant tarantula. The giant sea turtle was a model
done with stop-motion animation, though. A lot of people thought that was
a real turtle photographed the same way they did the other two, which
Harryhausen took as a compliment. The brontosaurus that was in the
background towards the beginning was supposed to attack the people later
in the flick, but to do another animated scene would've put the movie
three or four months over-schedule, so they just stuck him in as
atmosphere. It really gets me the way they make the dinosaurs die, all
that screaming and roaring. You know, we're all jaded now cause of
Jurassic Park, but you gotta give these guys their due credit. Okay,
let's roll it.
[fading] You know, I mentioned the cavegirl mascara
once before, but I noticed in that big emotional scene with Raquel that it
was also WATERPROOF mascara. And I didn't think waterproof mascara showed
up until [referring to chart], let's see, the Holocene Epoch. Other than
that, the movie is TOTALLY historically accurate."
One Million Years B.C. Commercial Break #7
"By the way, we
checked with a professor at the Harvard Institute of Pre-History, and that
scene WAS totally historically accurate. That's exactly how man invented
skinny-dipping. Boy, which tribe would YOU rather live with, the Shell
People, who've already invented blow-dryers, or the Rock People, who've
never even taken a bath? The old guy who plays Akhoba the ousted leader,
by the way, is Robert Brown. He played "M" in most of the James Bond
flicks of the 80s. Two of the Roger Moore ones, and both of the Timothy
Daltons. After that, they made "M" into a woman. I think they shoulda
given it to Martine Beswicke--it woulda been a nice bookend--but they gave
it to Judi Dench. As usual, nobody listens to ME.
pterodactyl wanted to feel Raquel Welch to her young, but Raquel AND her
two enormous talents have escaped. She now lies wounded somewhere in the
Canary Islands, where they shot this thing, so let's get back to the
stunning conclusion of "One Million Years B.C."
[fading] I don't
think I've ever figured out what the big deal is about that warthog
tusk-thing that Martine Beswicke is so obsessed over. But I'm just gonna
let it go. I'm gonna apply the 16th Century Zen koan: When the bodies are
hot, who needs plot?"