"Joe Bob Goes to the Drive-In" for 7/6/90
By Joe Bob Briggs
Drive-In Movie Critic of Grapevine, Texas
Now they're trying to ice the Dice-Man.
NBC got huge flack from their local stations because Andrew Dice Clay hosted "Friday Night Videos" last week to promote his new flick, "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane."
Let me repeat that: "The Adventures of Ford Fairlane."
Let me say it two or three more times, since evidently nobody in the media wants to let the guy promote his movie:
"The Adventures of Ford Fairlane"
Now. I don't care what the Dice-Man says. I don't care how he says it. I don't care how gross, crude, rude and nasty he is when he says it. Enough Hollywood big-shots have turned their back on him: The man's been BLACKLISTED.
This oughta make you mad.
After he was on Saturday Night Live in May, and two performers walked off the show because they couldn't stand to be in the guy's presence, and a lot of people got tickets to the show just so they could heckle the guy, and there was prob'ly more pressure on one person than has ever been applied to a stand-up gig--when there was so much pressure for the guy to be funny that, even if he was unfunny for FIVE SECONDS people were gonna say "Overrated" and "No big deal" and "What a jerk"--even after ALL THAT, the Dice-Man scored the biggest ratings of the year, and he did a good job.
In the NBA, that would be like Michael Jordan scoring 40 points in the LAST QUARTER to win the game.
All it got the Dice-Man was more grief.
He was supposed to be on The Joan Rivers Show, but her staff walked off and the appearance was canceled. This one was especially weird, because Joan Rivers was the first person to get away with using the word "slut" on TV and talks about the disgusting sex habits of REAL PEOPLE. She calls women "cows" and "pigs." And, as far as I know, she's never been considered too hot for network TV. But the Dice-Man can't come on her show. It's like saying that being a white male has become an actual crime.
The guy's banned for life from Empty-V. He may have trouble getting movie deals.
What's going on here?
When it was announced that Dice would be doing "Friday Night Videos," station managers all over the country called up the network and said they were PROMISED he wouldn't be on the network again. And apparently they WERE promised that, at a closed-door meeting in Washington last month. But they still had one appearance left on Dice's two-appearance contract, and so they had to let him go on "Friday Night Videos." But not to worry: he wouldn't be on any network programming in the future.
And do you know why?
Because they got 1,764 viewer complaints.
Let me put this in perspective. The show had an 11.5 rating. That means more than ten million people saw it.
Ten million saw it, and .0001704 per cent of them complained.
And so the network MADE a big pile of money, and the Dice-Man came through under pressure, and you would think that somebody would be sending him a bottle of champagne. Instead, they're telling him to hit the road.
There was a time when Americans got mad about blacklists.
It was that long ago time when regular guys were in charge, and before the .0001704 per cent took over.
Free the Dice-Man.
Support his movie.
Even if you don't wanna see his movie, buy a TICKET to his movie, Ford Fairlane. It's the only thing the jerkolas understand.
And speaking of logic from outer space, "Peacemaker" is a space-alien super-cop stunt movie that's the best wheels-and-triggers action flick since Action Jackson. And you guys KNOW how much I love "Action Jackson." There's not a single minute of the movie without either a car chase, a fireball, a fistfight, a shootout, an upside-down squad car, a body through a plate-glass window, or a shotgun blast through the gut-bucket.
Remember when John Carpenter made that movie "Starman," with Jeff Bridges as the weirdbeard alien trying to get back home? This is the same movie, only without the sappy philosophy, and with not one, but TWO starmen attempting to blow holes in each other's brains because one of them is a cop and the other one is a serial killer on another planet--only you don't know which is which. Caught in the middle is Hilary Shepard, who can't decide whether to a) run away, b) sleep with one of them, c) help one of them find the other one, or d) tell one of them the other one is trying to find him. And, oh yeah, one more thing--they both have guns the size of a ride at Disneyland.
And, oh yeah, Robert Davi is a human cop trying to figure out why the two outer-space cops are here. You remember Robert Davi? The South American drug dealer in Licence to Kill? Vito Genovese in "The Gangster Chronicles"? The guy who looks like he has a switchblade scar on his cheek? Well, this movie is so violent that Robert Davi is the GOOD GUY.
Twisted Metal Jubilee.
Three dead bodies.
Four plate-glass window smashings.
One alien Post Toastie.
Four motor vehicle chases, with two motorcycle flips, one fireball, three demolished cars.
Four gun battles.
Tear gas Fu.
Drive-In Academy Award nominations for Hilary Shepard, as the girl who doesn't know whether to blow an alien's head off or fall in love with him, for saying, after the sex, "Talk about your close encounters";
Robert Forster, as a killer alien, for saying "Did he tell you we're from some place far away?"; Lance Edwards, the alien cop, for answering every question with "Because I'm a Peacemaker";
B.J. Davis, the stunt coordinator, for driving a car through a triple explosion in a dynamite shack, and for doing such a great job it takes a full minute to read the stunt credits at the end of the movie; and Kevin S. Tenney, the director who also made "Witchboard" and "Night of the Demons," for his finest achievement so far.
Four stars. Joe Bob says check it out.
"Peacemaker" is not available on video or DVD
JOE BOB'S ADVICE TO THE HOPELESS
Victory over Communism! There's a functioning drive-in in downtown Dar Es Salaam, Tanzania, complete with mosquito coils on sale at the concession stand. We know this because The Stanley Expedition, the group recreating the journey of Stanley to find Livingstone this summer, stopped there to drop us a postcard.
Expedition leader Jim Owens writes "This is your kind of place, Joe Bob. Diarrhea, nekkid breasts, tsetse flies, warm beer. Even Ugly could find a mate here." The expedition moved on and was last seen in Bagamoyo. Remember, the drive-in will never die. To discuss the meaning of life with Joe Bob, or to get free junk in the mail and his "We Are the Weird" newsletter, write Joe Bob Briggs, P.O. Box 2002, Dallas, TX 75221. Joe Bob's 1990 Fax line is always open: 214-368-2310.
There are still a few operating drive-ins here in Baltimore, but we are caught between Yuppies to the south (where they act like they run the country) and Yuppies to the north (where they act like they started the country). Please send (im)moral support.
Unfortunately, they do, and they did.
In Maryland, on the other hand, you guys are famous not only for your drive-ins, but for being the home of . . . uh . . . being the capital of . . . er . . . being the center of . . . for being exactly like Texas.
Dear Joe Bob:
I fully agree with you about Tipper Gore and the scumbags that follow her. We come from the same state (Tennessee), a fact that I always try to live down. Of course, she isn't as big of a problem as the MPAA, who are making life miserable for all of us fans of drive-in movies and horror films. Maybe you could lash out at them in your column, or on your radio show, or maybe even on The Movie Channel. We must get the truth about these fiends out to the public, alert Mr. John Q. Public to the threat that they stand for. I do what I can do given my limited power, but you have the mass media working for you, Joe Bob. You're our number-one link to the rest of the world. Plus, you've got guts. I admire that. Now let's make sure that the drive-in will never die!
One of your biggest fans,
East Ridge, Tenn.
East Ridge is not far from where they made "The Curse," starring Claude Akins and Will Wheaton, about the mutant fungus that gets into the water and turns everyone's face into a giant mass of Killer Ravioli Herpes Sores.
Surely if Tipper saw this fine contribution of Tennessee culture to the horror-movie genre, she would be moved to reconsider her position.
Dear Joe Bob,
WOW! That's all I can say. I had no idea there were others out there who had seen the Light of Basket Case and Belial! My best friend and I saw the original "Basket Case" way back when. We only went to get the free surgical masks they promised moviegoers, and although we didn't get the masks, we did find a new friend in Belial. He's now our patron pointy-toothed, slimy, three-fingered, severed-twin movie freak. He never told us about "Basket Case 2," though. He's too modest, and the papers didn't print a word. So thank you for giving us something to live for.
Yours in B-rate movie-ness and Belial,
The free surgical masks, to protect moviegoers from getting actual blood on their faces, were available at the sneak preview screenings of "Basket Case 2" in Mobile and Austin, but--alas!--most theater managers don't have the imagination or the patience to do great promotions like that anymore. I'll send you a couple.
Dear Joe Bob,
There's a question that always burns a hole in my head every week when I read your column: Why do you always say "check it out" about a movie no matter how good or BAD a review you give it? For example, you trashed "Saw III" as bad as you trash any movie and you still gave it "three stars" and told us to "check it out." Also, I'm confused because you said one of the problems of the movie in question was that it didn't make a lick of sense. Isn't this one of the points on which you highly recommend movies? And, breast counts have been dangerously low the past year; is Joe Bob growing up? Say it ain't so, Joe.
They just aren't putting as many nekkid breasts in the movies as they used to. I don't have any explanation for this alarming state of affairs. It all started when Betsy Russell, the Mascara Queen, announced that she would no longer be popping her top.
And even a BAD "Saw" sequel is better than "Driving Miss Daisy."
Dear Joe Bob,
We worship you as a God. We want to give you all our money and work for you for free. We want to make plop art for you!
[article enclosed about works of "plop art" being illegally placed on public land all over Berkeley]
Richard List and the others
You would plop for me?
I don't know what to say.
OK. This is the 1997 R-rated movie where George Clooney teams up with a White House nuke expert played by Nicole Kidman.
You just read the Joe Bob Briggs look at the low-budget sci-fi 1990 movie in which two aliens pretending to be humans are stalking each other in a major city, also rated R.
In the 1997 one, the Hollywood liberal plays Army Intel Officer Lt. Col. Thomas Devoe, teamed with nuke expert Nicole Kidman to find out what happened to some Russian nuclear warheads scheduled for dismantling, diverted instead to a Bosnian with a grudge against the West by a renegade Russian colonel. I know what you're thinking, Clooney and Kidman must have a scene where they fall into bed together, but no! Clooney's married and his wife must have script approval 'cause Clooney looks at Kidman and sees only a fellow professional. Not surprising since Clooney has been an outspoken anti-Bush/anti-war activist in recent years. And the Bosnian bad guy (Marcel Iures) is no evil-bad-guy-caricature either.
Frankly, you may prefer to see Andrew Dice Clay save the world and kick butt in "Brain Smasher, A Love Story" available on video
Peacemaker was last seen on MonsterVision 9-12-98
Original “tnt.turner.com/monstervision” archives have been erased. Mis-spellings in 1997 movie description can be blamed on Bill Laidlaw
Cancellation of Monstervision can be blamed on Turner's merger with AOL.
Elvis has left the building, and he took Joe Bob with him.