SUMMER: That's a feminist movie.
I thought you weren't political.
SUMMER: You know, you should be a feminist.
Men can't be feminists.
SUMMER: Sure they can. It would help your ratings.
Nothing would help my ratings. Let's do those drive-in totals:
No dead bodies.
Dueling baseball signals.
Gratuitous barroom dance number.
Three and a half stars. Check it out.
[fading] SUMMER: Why don't I stay for a bit and provide the woman's point of view?
Excellent idea. Gimme another one of these while you're up, will you?
SUMMER: [heading for door] I don't think so.
I'm kidding! I'm kidding. [she heads for couch] You feminists are so serious.
I'll tell you right now, Jon Lovitz gets all the funny lines in this flick. That's him as the baseball scout, of course.
SUMMER: Of course.
Oh, boy, here we go with the attitude.
SUMMER: I'm not giving attitude. It's just that the only person you've mentioned so far is a man. You haven't mentioned Penny Marshall -- the first woman to direct a movie that made a hundred million bucks.
That's because I JUST started talking.
SUMMER: Oh. Okay, carry on.
Gee, thanks. I lost my momentum, so let's do the commercials and get back to "A League of Their Own," the big-budget historical drama/comedy feel-good picture about the All-American Girls Professional Baseball League.
[fading] SUMMER: They weren't really "girls."
Well, that was the name of the league.
SUMMER: Do they still call it girl's baseball today?
They don't have girls professional baseball today.
SUMMER: Oh I'm sure they do.
Well, it's not on ESPN, let's put it that way.
SUMMER: Well, it should be.
Yes, you're right. Of course. I absolutely agree with you. Yall can sign a petition and send it to me at TNT, 1010 Techwood Drive, Atlanta, Georgia 30318 -- and I'll forward it to the authorities. Or e-mail it to firstname.lastname@example.org. Have feminist chats on the website: tnt.turner.com/joebob. You've come a long way, baby.
I'd like to thank the TNT censors for letting Jon Lovitz say he was going to give the wife a little pickle tickle. I'm sure that phrase alone required nine levels of corporate approval. Okay, this flick is based on a real women's baseball league, and I'll fill you in later on some of the things they got wrong. But Jimmy Dugan -- that's Tom Hanks -- IS based on a real guy, named Jimmy Foxx. Tom put on thirty pounds for the role by pigging out at the local Dairy Queen. Or so he says. Whenever actors look fat in a movie, they start talking about how they purposely ate twenty cheeseburgers a day, because, "well, even though I'm only in one scene, as the doctor who gives the second opinion, I felt the role required a little heft."
SUMMER: Tom Hanks gained weight because Penny Marshall said he couldn't be cute. Cause then the players would have crushes on him.
Right. Of course.
SUMMER: He IS known for his honesty. One time when he was being interviewed by a movie reporter, he said, "There are people who make careers of talking about movies!"
And your point is?
SUMMER: What. Oh, sorry. I didn't mean you.
Uh huh. You know, I AM a feminist.
SUMMER: How is that?
I like that women's volleyball league. Women's beach volleyball. Great uniforms.
SUMMER: How cute.
No, I can't be cute. TNT told me to not be cute or else you'd get a crush on me.
The gal who plays Betty Horn, the one who wanted Tom Hanks to sign her hubby's baseball card, is Penny Marshall's daughter, Tracy Reiner.
SUMMER: Little familial support.
That's one way to say it. Debra Winger was gonna play the Geena Davis part, but she quit the movie when Madonna got cast. I think Debra rented "Shanghai Surprise," or something. But I think Madonna's pretty good in this flick. I bet a lot of people don't know that Madonna was a straight-A student in high school, and she was a cheerleader, and she was in the French Club, and the choir, and she FOUNDED the drama club, and played the lead in four school musicals. And she got a scholarship to the University of Michigan. Most people think she's this slutty disco queen. Which is why we like her. Okay, commercials and then back to the flick.
[fading] SUMMER: Debra Winger blew it, cause I haven't seen her around in a while.
She's probly still counting the two-million simoleans the studio paid her off with.
SUMMER: Oh. Okay, maybe she didn't blow it.
She is woman. Hear her roar.
"There's no CRYING in baseball!" My favorite line of the movie.
SUMMER: You would identify with the obnoxious male character.
No, I also identify with Madonna sliding around the dance floor with her dress hiked up.
Yes, Mae. That's her character's name. "All the Way Mae." We also had Rosie O'Donnell's big emotional scene. Rosie O'Donnell was another one of those high school over-achievers. Senior Class President, Homecoming Queen, on the Prom Committee, the Yearbook staff, the Varsity tennis team, in the Drama Society, and she earned the titles of Most School Spirited, Class Clown, and Personality Plus -- we won't ask what the Plus is. And now she's a millionaire single-mom talk-show host. She's got a big house in the country, and Madonna and Kate Capshaw come over with their little yard monsters for playdates. Kate Capshaw, aka Mrs. Steven Spielberg. Can you imagine the arguments those kids have? "Parker took my Tiffany rattle!" "Well, Lola said I could drive her miniature BMW, but then she only gave me her stupid diamond tiara!" "Stop fighting or there'll be no caviar for lunch!" Okay, back in a few. Look for a little "Laverne and Shirley" cameo in the next part.
[fading] SUMMER: Are you making fun of single moms?
Well, I hardly think these are typical single moms. First of all, one of em is married, so she's a double mom. And the other two are single moms by choice.
SUMMER: Because you can't trust a man with children.
Right. He might buy em a B-B gun or something.
David Strathairn as the sensitive marketing guy who feels bad about sending the gals back to the kitchen. This is a far cry from the alcoholic wife-beater he played in Stephen King's Dolores Claiborne, isn't it? Remember the guy in the spaghetti-strap T-shirt who whacks Kathy Bates across the back with a two-by-four?
SUMMER: That was so awful.
Good actor, right? He can go from playing the most despicable woman-hater to playing Mr. Sensitive Feminist Guy.
SUMMER: See, I TOLD you men can be feminists!
Let's do some commercials and get back to the flick.
SUMMER: You're just gonna ignore me?
I'm sorry, did you say something?
That was one of those famous sappy Penny Marshall scenes, where Tom Hanks gives Geena Davis a pep talk, while Bill Pullman suspects absolutely no hanky-panky. And there actually WAS hanky-panky in the original script, but Penny cut it out. A director who cuts her teeth on movies like "Big" and the five-hanky flick "Awakenings" doesn't do hanky-panky.
SUMMER: I had a whole relationship based on seeing "Awakenings" on the first date.
Remind me to ask you about that later. I haven't mentioned Lori Petty as Geena Davis's little sister Kit. Lori is probly one of the few actress who didn't throw like a girl before the eight weeks of training, because Lori's a jock in real life. She turned down a basketball scholarship, and left the trailer park in Tennessee where she was born, to move to the big city of Omaha and design food packaging. Which, of course, always leads to acting. That's why only the most liberal parents encourage their kids to go into the food package design field. Okay, ads, and then back to the flick. Oh, check out what actress plays first base for Racine in this next part.
[fading] Okay, so why did seeing Awakenings inspire a whole relationship?
SUMMER: Cause the guy cried. I was a goner.
Guys who cry are either bed-wetters, or they're faking it.
SUMMER: Well, that's why I broke up with him.
He was faking it?
SUMMER: He was a bed-wetter.
Did you catch who was on first base?
SUMMER: It looked like Tea Leoni. Pre-David Duchovney.
I notice you couldn't say her name without mentioning the MAN she's involved with.
SUMMER: I only mention him because he's a fox.
Very progressive. And, of course, if you missed him before, that's Squiggy as the announcer. Of Lenny and Squiggy fame. Okay, we get a good shot of Tea Leoni at bat after the commercials, so let's do it. Go.
[fading] Remember four or five years ago when Newt Gingrich said that the baseball strike might be resolved if everyone sat down to watch Field of Dreams?
SUMMER: Mm . . . no, but remember that really embarrassing scene with Kevin Costner in Truth or Dare?
Was there a sequitur in there somewhere? Cause I think I missed it.
Kinda rips at the heart-strings, doesn't it, Summer?
The sisters really really love each other. [tearing up]
SUMMER: You're not gonna cry, are you?
You said it worked once. You LIKED the other guy when he cried.
SUMMER: The bedwetter?
Geena Davis is such a GOOD PERSON.
SUMMER: Now I know you're faking it.
Her CHARACTER. Her CHARACTER is good. A good strong woman who has her values firmly in place.
SUMMER: Do you really like this movie?
SUMMER: Aaaaaaaa, that's so sweet.
Yes, it is. It's sweet, isn't it?
[personal ads, maybe L.A. Weekly]
Isn't it amazing how they found old-lady actresses who really did look like the ballplayers? The one who played Geena Davis as an old lady -- Lynn Cartwright -- I think she should have gotten star billing, don't you? That was a pretty big part, and a pretty difficult one, but she's just a name way down in the credits somewhere. And you know who we didn't really talk about during the last movie, was Geena Davis. The actual STAR of the flick. But she pops up in a small role in our next one, the great guy-in-a-dress comedy, "Tootsie," so I'll try and dig up some good dirt on her for that.
I wanna let you know that next week, the chick flicks continue when we show Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey rub their loins together on the dance floor in "Dirty Dancing," and the always great telekinesis classic, Carrie. Guys, if you're thinking of skipping the first one, I guarantee that if you sit next to any female and make it through the movie without falling asleep -- guaranteed nookie.