"According to Newsweek magazine, Clinton feels pretty good: his weight is down, his blood pressure is down, his cholesterol
is down, his pants are down..."
Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee. One says,
"Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"
Top Ten Air Force General Pick-Up Lines
10. "When I look at you, my pants fly in formation"
9. "If you sleep with me, I'll let you bomb New Jersey back to the Stone
Age"
8. "I've heard great things about you from President Clinton"
7. "How would you like to serve under me?"
6. "You've just been targeted by a heat-seeking missile of love"
5. "See this medal? It's for pleasing the ladies beyond the call of duty"
4. "I can still fly four missions a night, if you know what I mean"
3. "I'm looking for a place to land my stealth bomber"
2. "Want to learn what the F' stands for in F-16?"
1. "My sights are locked on you!"
The Top 15 Things Overheard Between
the Unabomber and the Psychiatrist
15> "No, you may not borrow my underwear, Mr. Kaczynski."
14> "In my professional opinion, if I were a 50-year-old virgin,
I'd go freakin' nuts, too!"
13> "I give up, Ted -- what's black & red and charred all over?"
12> "Boy" "BOMB!" "Girl" "BOMB!" "Airport" "BOMB!"
"Okay, that's enough word association."
11> "Look, Ted -- I'm no lawyer, but I've got doubts about your
'Prairie Oyster' defense."
10> "That ink blot looks like the oppressive technocratic regime
attempting to enslave our free minds... or maybe a bunny
rabbit."
9> "Would you *please* stop making that ticking noise?!"
8> "Actually, Ted, I'd prefer you *fax* me your manifesto."
7> "Why don't you and I run away together? I know a great little
unheated cottage in the middle of nowhere!"
6> "You read the entire manifesto? Geez, and they think *I'm*
crazy!"
5> "Now tell me again, Ted -- which one is Itchy?"
4> "I *must* be insane -- to sell name-brand VCR's and televisions
at such low prices!!! This Friday only, at Krazy Ted's
Electronics Outlet!!!"
3> "Man, that OJ is a nut, isn't he?"
2> "Okay, Marvin Gardens with three houses, that's $875...."
1> "Violent fantasies?! Hey, you're the one showing me all
these inkblot pictures of explosions."
From a book called, "Wisdom From The Walls" by Kristen Kammerer and
Bridget Snyder:
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, NC
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
Houghton Library, Harvard University, Cambridge, MA
Amendment 2 and OCA, soon you will be DOA.
On a tombstone used as part of a Halloween display, Hamburger
Mary's, Seattle, WA
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's
all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, D.C.
If Bush were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for
ice.
Smoky Joe's., Philadelphia, PA
Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?"
Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia
Beware of limbo dancers.
On the bottom of the stall door, Women's Restroom, Broad
Ripple Brew Pub, Indianapolis, IN
Rome wasn't built in a day. That's because it was a government job.
Women's Restroom, City View Tavern, Cincinnati, OH
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
Bailey Howe Library, University of Vermont. Burlington, VT
Hey, your karma just ran over my dogma.
Blueberry Hill, St. Louis, MO
Flush twice - It's a long way to the kitchen.
Restroom, Washakie Cafeteria
University of Wyoming, Laramie, WY
God made pot.
Man made beer.
Who do you trust?
The Irish Times, Washington, D.C.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge, LA
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, NC
To do is to be. Descartes
To be is to do. Voltaire
Do be do be do. Frank Sinatra
Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats, Scottsdale, AZ
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet,
O'Ryan's Irish Pub, Ashland, OR
Don't switch dicks in the middle of a screw. Stick with Nixon.
Nathan's, Washington, D.C.
Chris-Just remember that this dollar is not to be spent until
everything between us is over (completely). Please remember I love
you!-Tori
On dollar bill F602225237.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war.
Hell, do both, get married!
Women's restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
God is dead.
-Nietzsche
Nietzsche is dead.
-God
The Tombs Restaurant, Washington, D.C.
A word in the mouth is worth two from George Bush.
I don't understand.
That's okay, Dan.
H.L. Mencken's Cultured Pearl Restaurant and Bar, Baltimore,
MD
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books, New York, NY
This bubble gum tastes like rubber.
Yeah, but it lasts a long time.
And it blows great bubbles.
Condom machine, Missoula, MT
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going
to have trouble with it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
JESUS SAVES!
But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
Men's restroom, American University, Washington, D.C.
Just 'cause it's clean don't mean it's fresh.
Port O'John, Acadia National Park, ME
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom, House of Representatives, Washington, D.C.
Bill Clinton threw up here.
The Oyster Bar, Little Rock, AR
LSD consumes 47 times its weight in excess reality.
Men's restroom, The 400 bar, Minneapolis, MN
I used to be into sadistic bestial necrophilia and... but then I
realized I was just beating a dead horse.
The Cellar Restaurant, Blacksburg, VA
If it wasn't intended to be eaten, it wouldn't be shaped like a taco.
Nathan's, Washington, D.C.
Why do drunk men miss the toilet?
Why do sober men?
South Main Cafe, Blacksburg, VA
What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
Men's restroom Lynagh's, Lexington, KY
Hey Nike, I just did it!
Tastee Diner, Betheda, MD
If you like these, e-mail me and I'll put you on my list.
