Phrases from Letterman
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Phrases from Letterman

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Jokes galor!
Are you a satanic worshiper?
Phone calls from Bart to Moe!

I want to thank for letting me put these phrases on my page. I love these staments and could not live without them.

NOTE: All phrases are posted "as-is" from and e-mail submissions.

....And here they are in no particular order:
"I could stack like a son-of-a-bitch." 

"The hookers in Time Square, God bless them..."  ***My favorite 

"It's impossible to shave a toupee"

"What about that guy!"

"Here are the statistics, or as they are call 'em back in Indiana, SUH-TISTICS"

"We've got your balloons, punk!"

"Ladies and gentlemen, please check yourself for ticks."

"Phew! Last night we had a bunch of zombies in the audience. Whata bunch!"

"It's more fun than humans should be allowed to have."

"Hep me!  Hep me!  I been hyp-mo-tized!"

"I try and try to do for you and this is the thanks I get!"

"I'm sorry, I had a couple of preshow cocktails"

"Micheal Jackson, or as I like to call him... Jacko!!!"

"Hell, let's see it again!"

"We've run out of time because I was making out with one of my guests." 
(Julia Roberts)

Say hello to my half-sister, my  fourth-grade teacher, ..., ..., ..., my good buddy, Radoo!

And now the most annyoing thing on television the ceremonial
presentation of the letters...

We're the only thing on CBS right now

You know our President, uh bubba, puffy, tubby, big boy...

the heat index is when it is noon and your standing on Brodway wrapped
in an electric blanket with the setting on high

"[name here] is an excellent rapper."

"Will you be enjoying a lovley assortment of grilled meats this holiday?"

"My advice on not overcooking food on the grill:  watch it carefully!"

(In his "foreign" accent)"We here in Finland love it when Dave does 
this..."(puts his hands on hips)

"Something from the meat case, Linda?"

"and free balloons for the kids!"


"I've been busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest."

"...sir have you seen a licensed physician about that?"

"Granny, it's time to get Jethro out of the ceement pond."

"and it's known as Hellman's east of the Rockies  (refers to a
small informational line on the label of a jar of Best Foods Mayonnaise)"

"..boy, am I glad I wore my new tie!!!!"

"Whoa it's that creepy eye!"

"Well, you can go sit in the lobby for an hour."

"You're making us all sick"

"I'd like to thank (name of guest here) for almost being here."

"The Lovely, the Talented...."

"Let's open up the ol' CBS mailbag"


"The show's so good, it ought to be televised."

"Ladies and Gentlemen, say hello to Johnny Carwash!!!"

"Ladies and Gentlemen, Radu!"

"Hey, would you like to buy a monkey?"

"Hello everyone, my name is Dave, the most powerful man in American

"Anton, please."

"I'm sorry ladies and gentlemen, I've shreaded the top-ten."

"This is/I'm  the only thing on CBS right now."

"Uhh Would you like a stick of umm gum!"

"I've been called worse things by better people".

"by the way, that IS permitted"

"This is the best rehersal we've ever had."

"Eeeeesabella Rossalini"

"Muy, muy caliente"

"Tonight's show is so good, it's hard to believe it's ours!" 

"Get in the car! Get out of the car! Get back in the car!" (Dave's 
impression of Broderick Crawford)

"Letter numero cinco."

"Tell me kids, do you like the rock 'n' roll?"

".....It's because of the late harvest."

"Is it cold in here?"

"Wheeww boy.... that audience last night...."

"I'm laughing on the outside, crying on the inside."

"...on the FOX *heh*, uh, FOX *heh heh*, uh, FOX net--*heh heh heh*, uh, network..."

"Paul, remember back when we used to laugh at the FOX network? Boy, those were the days!"

"My advice:  Don't overdo it."

"That Oprah, she's got all the money."

"Uma, Oprah.  Oprah, Uma."

"I have a personal theory about Madonna: She loves to shock people."

"He's just not wired up correctly."

"Now it's time for tonight's Lucky Number from the Lucky Number Girl!"

"That Judge Ito... what's he callin' himself these days? Lance?"

"We will be off the air on Saturday and Sunday, due to NBC's continuing 
coverage of the Olympics"

"I'm addicted to the damn country music!"

"You look like a million damn dollars!" 

"And here in my left hand is tonights top ten list!"

"Are you selling any pie?" (the pizza store next to the show.)

"Boy is my face red."

"Be sure to stay tuned for Tom Snyder next."

"Does this look infected to you??"

"We've been ordered off the air.  Good night!"

"There's not a man, woman, or child alive today
who doesn't enjoy a lovely beverage."

"All kids love me."

"They were gooned on Nyquil."

"This is one of the best rehearsals we've ever had."

"Hey, Pepe..."

"This is only an exhibition, not a competition.  
No wagering, please."

"Midnight, and the kitties are sleeping."

"You kids stay out of my yard!"  (in his Mean Old Man impression)

"A little dialing music, please, Paul."

"If I wore a hairpiece, do you honstly think it would look like this?"

"Call a cab and take the tape of tonight's show straight
to the Museum of Broadcasting."

"And finally, on the external camera... Ladies and gentlemen---New

"Hey, they don't hire chimps to do this sort of thing."

"There is no off position on the genius switch."

"Oh no! ... We're gonna get sued."

"It's important, in show business, to tell the pinheads from the

"Oh no... The show's not over.  I've got to go find Dave!"

"Why two guest chairs?  Siskel and Ebert."

"I don't even understand what that means." (after a blue comment)

"Dave, was that *really* how you spent the holiday at home?"

You look just like a kid!

Don't worry, it's just radioactive steam.

Who's frying bacon?

...Ted Kennedy's pants...

Some guests sit in the chair and think it's a great time 
to take a nap.

I want you to know that a few seconds from now I'm going to seem to
disappear.  Please don't be afraid.  I'm still really here.  You'll
be seeing a few commercials, but after that you'll see me again.

Call Costas and tell him to cool his heels.  We just have 
too much show tonight.

The Eighth Wonder of the World--THE GIANT FLYING RAT!

"Hey kids, it's only television!"

"Wake the neighbors and phone the kids." 

"That guy could make his own gravy."

"Whenever I enjoy a lovely beverage, that would be an excellent time for 
all of you at home to enjoy a lovely beverage. (No, Paul, I said the 
people at home.)"

"I don't believe there is a man, woman, or child on this earth who 
doesn't enjoy a lovely beverage."

"Linda?" (pronounced Leen-da)

"Are you chewin' gum? We can't continue the show until you spit that 

"Just blow the roof off the dump!"

"Just a second, that last joke knocked the wind out of me."

"Check it out, Dave... Can I have a ride home?" (From the creepy Dave 

"Ich habe ein Glas Milch getrunken... That's all the German I remember."

"I'm Dave Letterman... Your TV Pal."

"What time does the show start tonight, Paul?" 

"We're having" or "This is" - "more fun than humans should be allowed to have." 

"This is what happens when you hire a pair of dopes to run a tv show." 

"Hey Paul, when does that Saturday Night Live Show come on?  When 
do they tape it anyways?" 

"...and we all know how painful *that* can be..."

"Them boys is tasty!"

"I'm working 365 days a year to entertain America."

"What did you have for lunch today?"

"What's Hal wearing today?"

"I don't know why, but we get thousands of letters
from Holland whenever I do this with my jacket."

"The theater is kept cold to preserve the humor's freshness."

"How long did it take you to write that, Paul?"

"It took three guys to write this postcard."

"And then, on Tuesday..." (after naming the guests for the entire coming week)

"Can you come back every night?  That would be great!"

"America's favorite preserved meat giveaway."

"Your parents must be very proud of you."  (after a Stupid Human Trick)

"Two Words:  _____ ______"

"This is the best damn audience we've had all year." (said during the
first new episode after January 1)

"You know kids, we have a blockbuster of a program set up for you

"Please now ladies and gentlemen if you can find it in your heart do me a favor, say 
hello to my good friend, my half sister, my step-father, Mr. Paul Shaffer and the CBS
orchestra." "Do you get the HBO Paul." "Wake up the kids and phone the neighbors because..." "Ladies and Gentlemen...Marv Albert" "Paul, when do they film that Saturday Night Live?" "Don't make me come up there and fight you!" "I don't even know what that means" "I was on my way in to work today on the subway..." "Oh, look, that one landed in Trenton" Honorable Mention, Pete Fatovich: "Who gives a rat's ass!" In memorium: "Racing Legend, Hal 'Ernie' Gurnee... Hal Grunman...
Hal Grunny... Hal Groony... Hal..." "Our producer, Morty, Bob, Robert, Morty, Bob Morton" "set yourselves on fire". "He shot me the ol' skunk eye". "Ladies and gentlemen, the best tupee (?) money can buy." "Ladies and Gentlemen... You'll come for the ham, You'll stay for the band." "...there goes that old fat horse again..." "That kind of behavior sickens me..." "...and what, bite it for a burst of flavor?" "...a question we've axed ourselves o'er and o'er again..." "Now you know it's comedy, when you hear the magic sound..." "It feels like something's wrong..." "Now what, is s/he steamed??" "Okay, now I know this could be trouble..." "Get yourself a cab..." "We're in cartoonland..." "I like fat people, and I think...a lot of people should be fat, and that's just fine..." "I've frightened the audience again, haven't I?" "How we doin' on time now?" "Who the hell are you, anyway, the mambo pope??" "Helsinki, my ass." "Them bats is smart, they use radar!" "...are you sure we have enough time?" "...the glittering jewel in the crown of commercial television..." "...have a seat, Dave...thank you, don't mind if I do..." "Paul, are you listening to any of this??" "'s almost like a shrine in here..." "...and much, much more, as they say when they're lying..." "...I am losing the will to live..." " . . Of course you know, I have the strength of ten men." "You know. . . this is the best rehearsal we have ever had." "What time does the show start tonight, Paul?" "This is what happens when you hire a pair of dopes to run a tv show." "Wake the kids and call the neighbors!" "My, oh my, oh my, we're having some fun now!" "Get me a towel, Pedro." "The kids love me." "My half sister, long lost brother, Paul Shaffer!" "Hey Inkie!" "Now, are you gonna do the Wa Tusi or not?!?!" "I am Mr. Rock 'n Roll." "Goodnight everyone, the next time you see us will be in September at 11:30!!!" "A little dialing music, Paul." "Let's get to it, shall we." "One more outburst and I'll clear the auditorium." "I think I speak for all of America when I say,'Shhheeeechhh'" "I hope that this movie is a blockbuster of a hit for ya." "Kids, do you love the Rock n' Roll?" "Don't try this at home! Go to a neighbor's house." "I do and do for you kids, and this is the thanks I get!" "They pelted us with rocks and garbage." "What do you want? Wicker?" "I'm a sweet little cupcake....BAKED BY THE DEVIL!!!" It's funny; I hate the itching, but I don't mind the swelling. "Nicely packed, bag boy!" "...sitting there applauding as though actually entertained." "They don't give these shows to chimps."

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