Chapter 5: Who’s the Best Matt?
Chapter 5 Subheading: Followed by Rod’s Raucous Receiver, the Demise of Squeaky Mouse, and Return of the Field Trip.
Matt: You’re on. You see? I’m guaranteed to win! I love winning.
Ken: You get used to it after a while.
IL: *grins* Oh, this WILL be fun.
Matt: Who invited you to take part in this contest?
IL: It’s my interview station. All games and/or contests are to be held under my supervision.
Matt: Damn.
IL: Well then…*rubs hands together* Jun, what makes Matt the perfect Matt?
Jun: Well, he’s cuddly, handsome, and strong, and he sings well.
IL: All right. Matt, Martin, and Ken, whichever one of you three is the handsomest, cuddliest, and strongest – plus is the best singer – will be declared the best Matt.
Martin: Can I play some really cool clarinet music in place of singing?
Matt: I don’t play the clarinet, so no.
Martin: But I had to choose between band and choir in 6th grade, and I chose band!
Matt: Your loss.
Martin: All right, we’ll all perform “I Turn Around.”
Ken: That’s not fair! Matt’s practiced it a million times!
Matt: Hey, you have to be able to sing it to make a good, or even adequate, me.
Martin: I don’t really want to be in this contest. I don’t care who wins.
Ken: Um, Jun? When I win, you’re not going to fall in love with me, are you?
Jun: Not unless you dye your hair blond.
Matt: See, you could never win. You don’t have blond hair.
Ken: IL, is that one of the requirements of the contest?
IL: Nope.
Ken: There you have it.
IL: Phase 1 of the contest: Cuddliness. Each of you pick one girl, and we’ll judge you. Jun, you’re a judge too.
Sora: But there are only 4 other girls…me, Kari, Yolei, and Mimi.
Davis and TK: I’ll cuddle Kari!
Matt: You’re not in the contest, so you can’t.
Nat: You can cuddle each other, if you want.
Davis and TK: Ew.
Nat: Aw…you’re so cute when you talk together like that.
Matt: *surveys the girls, who are all smiling at him*
Tai: Kari, I forbid you to take part in this contest.
Matt: Too bad Tai, ‘cause I pick Kari.
(Kari grins and walks over to him. Sora glares at her and sticks her leg out to trip her)
Kari: Dork. *stomps on Sora’s foot*
Ken: I pick Yolei.
Martin: I pick…um…what are your names again?
Sora: I’m Sora and she’s Mimi.
Martin: I’ll pick Mimi, I guess.
Sora: WHAT?! Why was I not picked?
Martin: Well, I sort of liked her long hair better than short hair like yours.
Sora: And WHAT’S wrong with short hair?
Martin: Nothing, I’m sure you’re a very nice person and everything…
Mimi: Face it, I’m prettier than you.
Sora: Did you know Mimi’s long hair is really GRAY?
Mimi: Why you…(she jumps on top of Sora and starts pulling her hair. Sora bites Mimi’s arm)
Martin: Oh my gosh! Someone stop them! They’re going to hurt each other! (Everyone else calmly watches) What’s wrong with you people? Don’t you care?
Davis: Nope, there’s lots of fights. They’re no big deal.
(Sora and Mimi are rolling around on the ground)
Mimi: You’re ruining my hair! And if I break a nail, you’re going to get it!
SF: *bursts in and breaks up the fight* It’s time for the contest. (Mimi stalks away from Sora, who sits and sulks)
Jun: On your marks…get set…cuddle!
Kari: Hi Matt! *goes over to give him a hug*
Matt: Um…(he slowly reaches his hands out and barely touches Kari. When she grabs on to him, he stiffens and tries to avoid contact)
Mimi: *giggles* You’re cute!
Martin: *nervously* Um…hi…*shifts back and forth*
Mimi: Why aren’t you cuddling me?! You want Kari, don’t you?? Well, too bad, you picked me.
Martin: I generally tend not to “cuddle” a girl 20 minutes after I meet her.
Mimi: I’m pretty! Hug!
Martin: *tentatively pats her shoulder*
Ken: OK Yolei, I don’t like you and you don’t like me.
Yolei: I like you.
Ken: OK, you like me, but I don’t like you especially well.
Yolei: Your point?
Ken: For some reason, we get married in the future, so start acting like we’re in love. (They immediately curl up in one another’s arms. Jun surveys the scene. Mimi is hitting Martin for his refusal to hug her, while Matt is pulling away from Kari’s every advance. Ken and Yolei are still curled up in the corner)
Jun: Oh, this one’s easy. Matt wins!
Ken: WHAT? *stands up and shoves Yolei off, dumping her to the floor*
Yolei: Ow.
Ken: Are you insane?? She was practically asleep in my lap!
TK: No kidding, it was making me sick just to look at them.
Jun: Well, exactly. You were just lying there. There was no romantic struggling! There was no joyful screaming!
Ken: You’re sick.
Matt: I told you I’m the best Matt.
Ken: It’s only Round 1.
Jun: OK, Round 2! For the strength contest, you guys have to do push ups with your partner sitting on your back.
Matt: No fair! Martin’s got Mimi, and she only weighs like 70 pounds! She’s the skinniest one of all!
Kari: *smacks him* Mimi is NOT skinnier than me.
Jun: On your marks, get set, go!
Matt: 1…2…
IL: One pushup equals both the “up” part AND the “down” part.
Matt: Gr…2…*collapses*
Martin: *whispers in Mimi’s ear* (He begins doing push-ups. Mimi imperceptibly rises with him so that he appears to be lifting her but really has no weight on his back)
10, 11, 12, 13, 14…
Matt: There’s no way a puny kid like you can do that many pushups.
Kari: I weigh less than Mimi and you couldn’t even do 3?!
Martin: Hah-hah. *stops after 20*
Ken: *gets down on hands and knees* OK Yolei, hop on. (Yolei sits on his back. His arms shake for a second, he starts to go down, and then collapses)
Yolei: That’s the SECOND time you’ve dropped me! *kicks him*
Matt: You can’t even do ONE?
Ken: Oof. Yolei, you eat too much. Jun, can we have a contest for smartness?
Jun: Sure! We’ll do it at the end.
Ken: YES!
Jun: It will be a test of your knowledge about me!
Ken: Crap.
Jun: Sorry Matt, but I think Martin won that round.
Matt: NO way! He cheated.
Martin: No I didn’t.
Matt: Well, now he’s just lying.
Jun: Round 3: Handsomeness.
IL: Sorry Jun, you can’t judge this one. It would be biased.
Ken: Like she won’t be biased about all the other parts of the contest?!
Jun: That’s fine, I set up an internet poll. Want to check it out? *goes over to the station’s computer and pulls up the poll for everyone to see the statistics*
“WHO’S THE HOTTEST?”
Matt: 45%
Martin: 45%
Ken: 9%
All Really Ugly: 1%
Matt: No way! 1% of people think I’m ugly!
Ken: That’s impossible!
Matt: I know.
Ken: No, people think I’M ugly.
Matt: Hey Ken, open your eyes, I have five times as many votes as you.
Izzy: Ahem. May I cast my vote?
Tai: Oooooh!
Izzy: Shut up Tai. *clicking keys* There you go. *Jun hits the refresh button*
The new results:
Matt: 11%
Martin: 11%
Ken: 18%
All Really Ugly: 60%
Ken: Well, that cinches it! On to the singing! *sings* Do, re, mi!
Matt: No offense, but…*makes gagging motions*
Ken: Do not diss my singing, you lyric-stealing copyright-infringer!
Cody: *snaps out of a daze* Save the copyrights! Do not steal copyrighted phrases! Oh…the holy copyrights…AHH! *tackles Matt*
Martin: Did I miss something? Hey! How did that tiny kindergarten kid tackle what’s-his-name, Matt? Matt is like 2 feet taller.
Cody: *climbs off Matt and dusts off his pants* I am in FIFTH grade, thank you. If I had my Kendo stick I’d show you.
Martin: What’s a Kendo stick?
Cody: *gasp* You’ve never…heard…of…a…*gasp* *falls over twitching*
Martin: Weird kid. Can we get this contest over with now?
Nat: Of course. And now I give you your singing contest judges…
Jun: I thought I was the judge.
Nat: We brought in the professionals for this one.
IL: Now, the judges from American Idol! *American Idol theme song plays along with applause*
Joe: Ah! No! Not him! That guy scares me! *covers his ears*
(Three people walk into the room)
Joe: Help! It’s the scary man! Squeaky Mouse…shut up. No Squeaky Mouse. I will NOT run up to the scary man and hug him…
Martin: Is he always this odd?
Ken: He’s actually a little less odd, normally.
Martin: You are the weirdest bunch of kids I’ve ever met.
IL: So, judges, welcome to the NAILS Imitation Matt Show!
Matt: Ahem. It’s “Who’s the Best Matt.”
Randy: Yo Dawg, what’s up? Yeah, it’s great being here in a recording studio!
Paula: Well, I am just so glad to be here, I just love to hear fresh young talent.
Simon: Yawn. You had better not be wasting my time – you’d better be phenomenal.
Tai: Uh-oh, you’re all in trouble.
Simon: I’m not going to try to be mean, I’m just going to give you a fair and honest critique.
Ken: Fair?! I’ll bet you’re getting ready to say something about the fact that my hair is black instead of blond!
Simon: Good idea.
IL: First up, we have Ken.
Ken: Wait a minute, I’m not ready! What am I supposed to sing?
Randy: Anything you want, dude.
Ken: “Dude?” I am not a “dude.” Um, um, um…
Simon: Look, it’s not that hard. Sing any song by anyone famous.
Ken: “I Turn Around,” by Matt Ishida, or so he says.
Simon: Who?
Matt: AH! You’ve never heard of the great and wonderful ME? And Ken, don’t you dare sing my song!
Ken: But you told me I had to.
Matt: These are professionals, they don't want you ruining their ears with a crappy rendition of my excellent song.
Ken: Actually, it's more like just a crappy song, period, so...OK. How about the Barney theme song?
Simon: I’m getting the impression that you can’t sing, which will factor into my evaluation of you.
Ken: I can’t think of anything! Wait I’ve got it. “It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood…would you be mine, would you be mine?” *smiles* (Paula stares at him, Simon crosses his arms, and Randy scratches his head)
Randy: Uh…how about if you sing something else?
Simon: Oh, don’t ask him to do that. #1 he can’t sing and #2, we’ll be here another hour before he can think of one!
Ken: What do you mean, I can’t sing?? I’ve got one! “Can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sesame Street….how do you get to SESAME STREEEEEET!!!” (His voice goes high and scratchy, cracking at the top)
Matt: Ken? How many channels do you get on your TV?
Ken: *clears his throat* Sorry, that was my warm up. Now I’ll sing –
Simon: STOP. (the other judges stare in shock, then quickly pretend to be looking around the room)
OK, Paula? What do you think?
Paula: Um…you um…I’ve heard that you’re very smart. Good for you!
Ken: *coughs* You forgot to tell them how well I sing.
Paula: Oh. Well, maybe you could take some lessons. But mostly concentrate on being smart. Randy?
Randy: No.
Ken: But –
Randy: No. Simon?
Simon: Not to be mean, but…
Paula: *rolls her eye* Right.
Simon: Your voice makes me cringe. If I were hearing a person sing for the first time, and that person were you, I’d go find a gun and slaughter the human race.
Ken: I think that’s a little extreme –
Simon: I don’t.
Ken: You’re a really hostile person. Do you even know who you’re talking to?
Simon: A bad singer with black hair?
Ken: No…shut up about my hair! You’ll be sorry when I release a CD that sell millions.
Simon: If you sell anything, it will be your services to the military – your voice is more disarming than a nuclear bomb.
Ken: That’s it, I’m out of here.
Simon: Good, because you’re too short to be the American Idol. Next!
Martin: Bear with me, I don’t really like singing, and I’m getting over the flu, and if you want to know my name, it’s Bevan.
Paula: OK. What song are you singing?
Martin: “Fields of Gold,” by Sting.
Paula: All right, let’s hear it. (Martin sings it beautifully, hitting every note right and leaving the judges gazing in wonder)
Martin: *winces* OK, what’s the verdict?
Paula: You have a beautiful, beautiful voice. It just lifts me up and carries me away…perfect. Absolutely perfect.
Randy: Dude, how come we didn’t see you at the American Idol audition, dog? You could have really gotten somewhere! Are you sure you don’t like singing?
Simon: Well, I can’t say it’s my favorite song, but I have to admit, you really gave a talented performance. Very good. Bevan, you have a great voice.
Martin: *blinks* Wow…thanks! *pause* Wait! My name’s not Bevan! It’s Martin!
Matt: Let’s call him Bevtin until he makes up his mind.
Martin: *throws him a dirty look* I just thought it would be funny to call myself Bevan for a day.
Paula: Fine, Martin. Like I said…wondrous. (Martin steps down)
Matt: You were impressed by THAT? Just wait until you hear my awesome voice. Now if you’ll just give me a minute to gather my sound system and guitar and band members…
IL: The rules say you can only use your own voice.
Matt: What?! But I’ve never sung “I Turn Around” all by myself before! Um, OK, then I’ll sing… “The New Testament Rap!” *starts rapping*
“Matthew…Mark…Luke and John…Acts and Romans…First-and-Sec-ond, Cor-inth-I-ans! And now we’ll memorize it cold! Yeah we’ll memorize it cold…”
Paul: Well…I must say that your choice of music is…interesting. Did you choose that song because of your devout Christian faith?
Matt: Uh, no. I’m not Christian. I’m Nazi.
Paula: I’m fairly sure that’s a political party.
Matt: Well, now it’s a religion.
Randy: Well man, you have good stage presence, but you need to take voice lessons. And next time, you might want to try actually singing.
Simon: Kid, don’t bother with lessons. If you want to keep singing, you need to get a completely new voice box and vocal cords.
Matt: I’m already a professional singer! Haven’t you heard my CD? Haven’t you met my fangirls?
Randy: Actually, I think I bought your CD for my niece’s birthday. After she listened to it once she brought it back to the store and got a Backstreet Boys one instead.
Matt: What? Those ugly, talent-less guttersnipes! Those sissy slimy-haired trashballs! They steal my fangirls and my songs!
Randy: Actually, you stole one of THEIR songs.
Matt: I did not!
Simon: All right, we judged your contest. Can we go now?
Nat: Yep, you may leave. *hands them their check*
Sora: How come we don’t get paid for coming here?
IL: You receive the wonderful privilege of being on the radio and TV. Most people would love to do that.
Sora: That’s cheap! I want money for crayons!
IL: No money. Now, Martin’s winning so far, with 2 wins, and Matt and Ken each have one. We have one round left, so either Martin will win the contest or Matt or Ken will drop out of it and require a sixth round to break the tie.
Jun: Thanks, IL! Now, to test your random knowledge of me. We’ll have 3 questions. #1 is, “Where did Matt and I go on our first date?”
Martin: The movies?
Ken: I know! I made note of it! Jun followed him to the campgrounds and called it a date!
Matt: *shudders* I didn’t want to remember this…but Jun stalked me after my first concert, grabbed me, gave me a hug, squealed, and ran off before I even knew her name.
Jun: Yay, Matt!
Martin: What in the WORLD?
Jun: #2: “What is my favorite food?”
Martin: Pizza.
Ken: What’s the weirdest thing I can think of…bananas wrapped in cheese?
Matt: Whatever my favorite food is.
Jun: Yay, Matt! He wins this round!
Ken: Were you aware that Matt’s favorite food is bananas wrapped in cheese?
Jun: It is? OK Ken, you win too.
Ken: Hah! By virtue of my smart and crafty brain, I have remained in the competition until the bitter end.
Matt: That was not crafty. That was a cheap, obvious trick.
Ken: I notice you haven’t denied it being your favorite food.
Matt: Oh yeah. It’s not my favorite food.
Jun: Question #3: What is my nickname for Matt?
Martin: Sweetie?
Ken/Matt: MATTSY!!!!!
Jun: That was a tie…so, on to the next round!
Matt: No! Ask more questions! I’m good at this!
Ken: Shut up Matt, she said “next round.”
Jun: Matt also has lots of cute nicknames for me. So the last challenge is to come up with the best new nickname for me!
Martin: “Sugar Pie Honeybunch.”
Jun: What the heck?
Cody: OH! That is outright THEIVERY of a copyrighted song!
Martin: Why does that matter?
Cody: You…you show disdain for the copyright holders! *falls over in shock*
Ken: Sweet – no wait, this is Jun. “Dark-hearted, Clingy Demon!”
Jun: That’s an old one.
Matt: No kidding, that was just pathetic. “Jun: The Skanky, Horrific, Stalking, Obsessive-Compulsive Super-Freak.”
Jun: Gosh Mattsy! You really think so? *squeals and hugs him* Mattsy wins the contest!!
Matt: *attempts to extract himself* Hah. I told you I was the best Matt. You just can’t get any better than the original.
Ken: That contest was rigged.
Martin: Well duh. What tipped you off? The fact that the judge was in love with the winner?
Ken: Quiet, lowly newcomer.
Martin: I’ll have you know I’m taking advanced chemistry with a bunch of high school seniors and I’m only 16.
Ken: You’re still in high school? I’m barely technically a teenager, and I’m writing the course work for colleges.
Martin: I’m going to college NEXT year…
SF: OK, break it up. Now that we’ve been here for about 5 hours, it’s time to move on to the next segment.
Matt: Where’s my trophy for being The Best Matt?
Ken: Hanging off your arm.
Matt: That sucks. *tries to shake Jun off*
TK: 5 hours?? I call naptime. *lies down*
SF: Bad TK. *bites him*
TK: Ow! I was just about to have a dream where you liked me.
SF: Definitely no sleeping for you.
Davis: Can we play Toko, Toko, Black Toko?
PT: Nah, let’s play Idiot, Idiot, Short-Haired Idiot.
Martin: I repeat: Can I please go home?
Izzy: No way. With you, we have an even number of kids so that nobody can be paired with Snowball during the games.
IL: Since when do you have the power to declare anything? And remember, we still have a very important item in our possession.
Izzy: *remembers his computer* I have no authority. I am powerless. Very sorry, Ma’am.
IL: I like this version of Izzy. What can we hold hostage from, say, Ken, to achieve similar results?
Nat: Oh, I don’t know. Perhaps we could confiscate his whip, or his picture of Sam…or we could simply give him Pretty Colors until he is properly sedated.
Martin: Um, can I go now? I’m missing my favorite TV show.
Sora: Which TV show is that?
Martin: Digimon, of course.
Tai: Didn’t you notice…we’re the STARS of Digimon? Except for Jun, that is.
Martin: I’ve never seen you on the show before.
Tai: What? Who’s playing us then?
Martin: Well, there’s Koji and JP and…
TK: Don’t you mean TK? There is no JP in our group.
Matt: Do you mean we’re not the stars anymore? Don’t they show reruns?! I want to see a TV guide! I thought they showed reruns after school.
Martin: Nope! That’s when the new episodes are. I also like Pokemon.
Sora: You’re kidding! Pokemon is still on the air? Please tell me they don’t still have that annoying kid Ash Ketchup.
Martin: It’s Ash Ketchum.
Sora: *shudders* Honestly, he’s taken some kind of anti-aging potion, and he never goes to school.
Ash’s Distant Voice: WHAT’S SCHOOL?
Nat: Hey Martin, ever seen a Pikachu before?
Martin: Huh? They aren’t real.
Nat: Really? *pulls out a sparking Pikachu from under her desk* This is Spazass.
Martin: Ahh! What the…that is frickin’ creepy. Pikachus aren’t real!
Sora: Want to join the We Hate Pikachus club? You get a free button when you join. We almost killed one once, but then IL and Nat got them and fed them drugs and now they’re insane.
Martin: (under his breath) You’re ALL insane.
Sora: Is that a yes?
Martin: Uh…sure.
Sora: Yay! That’s 13 members now.
Matt: What?? Who here hasn’t joined the club? Izzy, is it you?
Izzy: Just be quiet, Bearded One.
Martin: Oh my gosh! How did you grow a beard that long? You’re like the same age as me!
Izzy: You just noticed that?
Matt: Jealous?
Tai: Well, he got here late.
Bevan: (coming through the door) Hey, Martin…
Joe: AH! He replicated!
Martin: Bevan!
Sora: Your evil twin?
Bevan: Evil? I’m the good twin. What’s he been telling you?
Martin: How did you get here? How did you know I was here?
Bevan: Well, I was starting my daily habit of turning on Jerry Springer, and Mom was starting her daily habit of telling me to “turn off that trash” or she’d make me be one of the guests, when she saw you and went, “Is that Martin? Wow his hair is really long,” and sent me out to tell you that we both need haircuts.
Matt: You just said all that in one breath!
SB: Noo! Martin can’t go yet! *jumps on his head*
Martin: Ahh! *bats him off into Bevan’s arms*
Bevan: Ahh! *flings him back to Martin*
Martin: Don’t give him back to me! *flings him at Izzy*
Izzy: *sets him on the floor* That angers me.
Martin: So?
Izzy: *walks across the floor and punches him across the face*
Martin: Ow! What was that for?
Tai: Ooh! Let me try! *strolls over and punches him across the face, the opposite direction*
Martin: OW! That’s it. *dives at Tai and knocks him down* You idiot! You stupid freak! Take that! And that!
Tai: Owwwww!! IL! Marty-Boy hit me! (IL shrugs)
Martin: Take that! *punches him in the stomach* (Tai bends over in pain and Martin tackles him to the floor) Hi-yah!
Tai: No fair, he’s a new kid. He’s not supposed to…oof…fight! (Martin hits him again)
Bevan: Uh, Martin? Mom’s watching the show right now.
Martin: Oops. *gets off the floor and brushes off his pants*
Tai: IL, can Martin go now?
Martin: That’s OK, I’ll stay. *smiles innocently*
Sora: Nah, you DO need a haircut.
Martin: But…but…I can’t go home now! My mom will kill me! Besides, that Tai-kid needs a haircut more than I do, and that Matt-kid needs a shave! So there.
Nat: Nice try. Do we have to call security?
Martin: But Bevan hasn’t seen the Pikachu yet.
Bevan: They have a Pikachu? What? How does that work?
IL: Here it is. *holds up Spazass yet again*
Bevan: AHHHHH!! *grabs Martin and runs out the door*
Tai: Well, that hurt.
Izzy: You mean it doesn’t hurt when we pound you?
Tai: No. He said I needed a haircut.
Matt: He also said I needed to shave. My feelings are hurt can I go now?
IL: No.
Matt: Can I borrow a razor then?
IL: We aren’t allowed to give you sharp objects in case you hurt yourselves. We could be sued for child abuse/endangerment.
Tai: But I get hurt all the time!
IL: Se,, then it isn’t our fault. You get in fights all on your own; we aren’t directly responsible.
Rod: Hey! *points at the clock* Don’t you know what time it is?
Tai: Time to let us go home?
Nat: Haha.
Rod: It’s time for Rod’s Raucous Receiver!
Matt: I am disturbed.
Rod: Call #1!
IL/Nat: NOOOOO!!!!!! (They dive for the phone, but trip over Rod’s foot)
Caller: Hi there! I’d just like to share with you all the joys of FLOA.
Tai: What the hell is “flow?”
TK: I think it sounds dirty. Just like “moist.”
Caller: No, F.L.O.A. It stands for Foam Lovers Of America.
TK: Dirty!
Caller: Foam is wonderful. Foam rocks! It’s so foamy! You just squish it, and it comes back to its shape! Foam is an industrial revolution.
Caller 2: How would we package refrigerators without foam?
Caller 3: If you join FLOA in the next 24 hours, we will send you a 20-pound box of your very own foam!
Caller: Foam is foam-a-licious!
TK: *runs around giddily, then flops down kicking his feet* Dir-ty, dir-ty, DIRTY!
Caller: Dial 1-900-FOAMROX. Membership starting at just $79.99!
IL: Rod, was that a caller or an ad?
Rod: Um.
Kari: Where can I buy these foam rocks?
Yolei: Do they come in pebble form?
Sora: Foam rocks would make an interesting display for my next flower arrangement.
Squeaky Mouse: Joe, ask me if they can order me some foam packing peanuts.
Joe: Squeaky Mouse wants some foam packing peanuts.
Ken: Joe, what is with you today? Ever since you got out of the hospital you’ve been acting really weird.
Joe: Kenny-Poo! *runs up to Ken and hugs him*
Ken: Eeep! Get off of me!
Joe: Squeaky Mouse is Buddha-Incarnate! He will save all your souls!
Mimi: Who is this Squeaky Mouse?
Joe: Ahh! Squeaky Mouse – no! Noo! (Joe flops on the floor like a fish)
Squeaky Mouse: You are my mind slave now. Bwahaha!
Joe: All worship Squeaky Mouse.
Ken: Joe! Snap out of it! He’s not real!
Joe: Squeaky Mouse wishes me to tell you that you have very nice eyes.
Ken: Really? Wait, no. Joe, get over it! You are one of us Smart Kids! Don’t you miss us?
Joe: Looopy! *spins in circles*
IL: This has gotten out of hand. Snowflake, get the Pretty Colors Tranquilizers.
Joe: No! Not Pretty Colors! I’ll die! I mean, Squeaky Mouse will die! (IL drugs him anyway)
IL: That should help.
Joe: Ooh, Pretty Colors spinning round and round…bye Squeaky Mouse! Time to go in the closet with the pink banana!
Izzy: I’m not sure he’s any better than before. (Joe prances around the room like a fairy)
IL: It will wear off in 10 minutes. I gave him a small dose.
Caller 4: Hello. This is Madame Toussaint.
Matt: Hey, I remember you! My name was Yapo!
Mme: Yes, I know. Bonjour Yapo!
Nat: Your French teacher?
Matt: Yep.
Mme: I also had TK/Taki and Izzy/Gaston and Jun/Djeneba, and who else?
Sora: Me. I was Simone.
Mme: Anyway. I was watching the show and I wanted to inform you that between the 5 of you, you owe me $27.50 for swearing.
Matt: Damn.
Mme: $27.75.
TK: Matt, you idiot, shut up.
Mme: *gasps* Taki! $28.00!
Davis: Hey Madame, what does “Voulez-vous couchez avec moi?” mean?
Mme: Umm…
Izzy: It means “Can you tell me where to buy jewelry?” You should say it to a French person sometime.
Davis: Cool.
Matt: IL, where do you find all of our old teachers? And more importantly, why do you call them?
IL: We enjoy it. Au revoir!
Tai: Hey, what’s that scratching sound? (a hiss and scraping noise echo around the room)
Matt: IT’S A HIDEOUS EVIL BASILISK!
IL: I believe I demanded that all contact with Harry Potter except for Crabbe, Goyle and Madame Pomfrey be eliminated.
Nat: Still sore about the fact that you can’t get him on your show, huh?
IL: He made comparisons to Rita Skeeter.
Gatomon: It…is…GATOMON AND HER UNHOLY ARMY OF FLUFFYKITTYMONS!
(the kids freak out and run screaming in all directions)
Kari: They’re worse than the Pikachus! Pikachus have no specific grudge!
Gatomon: ATTACK KARIMON! (all the small, bouncing Digi Baby heads dive on Kari, burying her)
Kari: Where did all these things COME from?
SF: Kari, hasn’t Tai ever explained the birds and the bees to you?
Tai: What’s the birds and the bees? I’m just as baffled as you, Kari.
Yolei: Kari, your evil Digimon is even more of a ho than you are.
TK: *slaps Yolei* That’s dirty. Don’t say things like that about my girlfriend
Kari: (beneath a pile of hissing, spitting fur) I’m not your girlfriend!
SB: Eleventy-two, eleventy-three…
Cody: What are you doing, Snowball?
SB: Counting ceiling tiles.
Cody: Sounds like fun! One, two, three…
SB: Eleventy-four.
Cody: Four…five.
SB: Don’t count out loud or I’ll eat you.
Joe: Ooh. Look at all the pretty colors on the ceiling. *lies down on the floor with SB and Cody*
SB: Eleventy-seven, eleventy-eight…
Joe: Violet and lavender and ochre, and peach and cream and seafoam, and azure and granny smith green, and buttercup yellow…
SB: Dozenty-two, dozenty-three…
Izzy: Hey Tai! Look, there’s a candy bar on the ceiling.
Tai: Where? I don’t see it.
Izzy: Keep looking, I’m sure you’ll find it.
Jun: *lies down to gaze at the ceiling* Matt, come here and look at the ceiling with me! It’s just like looking at the stars, only not.
Matt: That’s OK, not interested.
Tai: Davis! Help me find the candy bar on the ceiling. Izzy saw it, but I can’t find it.
Kari: HELP! I’m being mauled by Fluffykittymons!
Sora: I found a broom! *wades in and starts smacking fluffballs left and right*
Gatomon: Attack Soramon!
Sora: Ahh! I’M not the one who abused and abandoned you! Get Kari!
Kari: Some friend you are. *kicks one; it lands on Snowflake*
SF: EEEEHH! *squeals and runs away*
IL: All right, I’ll fix it. *opens the blinds, spilling light on the monsters*
Gatomon: HISS…(squinting, she and her soldiers hiss and panic, racing out the door)
IL: Management will take care of them.
Kari: How humiliating. Saved by Interview Lady.
IL: Would you like to thank me?
Kari: No.
IL: I can call them back in here…
Tai: Kari, do YOU see a candy bar?
Matt: Hey Tai, I see it!
Tai: Where?
Matt: *punches him and knocks him over*
Tai: *sits up, dazed* Ooh! Candy bars spinning in a circle! *grabs at them* Candy bar come back!
Joe: Noo…Pretty Colors come back! Noo…hey what happened? Where am I?
Ken: You were on Pretty Colors.
Joe: Oh. Why do I feel like dissecting something?
Ken: Really? I thought I saw some Fluffykittymons around here somewhere.
Joe: Yeah! Let’s go.
Sora: That stuff really did affect your memory, didn’t it? Don’t you remember IL and Nat?
Joe: Who? Oh, them. Dang. I really wanted to dissect something. Are there any Pikachus handy?
IL: Yes, but I’m sure they wouldn’t be too happy.
Joe: But I’m bored.
Nat: You were perfectly happy to curl up in a ball for hours a little while ago. If you’re really bored, I’m sure we can think of something to entertain you.
Joe: Uh, no, that’s OK.
Nat: No really. We have several fascinating videos we could show you: Chaim Potok’s lecture or the Churchill Method of Speaking video.
Joe: No, that’s okay, really. I’m quite, uh, “entertained” now.
IL: I have a better idea.
Cody: I don’t like the sound of that.
IL: We’ll go on anther field trip!
Kids: NOOOO!!
Sora: Not another one! We just finished HEALING from the last field trip.
Nat: Ah yes, an excellent idea, IL.
TK: Will this field trip have fields involved?
IL: Yup. We’re going camping. And if you want, I’ll trip you when we get there.
Mimi: Camping? As in tents and dirt and bugs?
IL: All of the above. Except maybe tents.
Sora: In the wilderness? I haven’t been in the wilderness since…well, the Digiworld.
Izzy: There aren’t any extension cords or electrical plugs out there, and I don’t see my flying electricity generator anywhere.
Nat: You don’t have anything that needs electricity anymore.
Izzy: True, you still have my laptop. I’ve been a good boy. Can I have it back now?
Nat: No.
Davis: But they DO have electricity in the wilderness. How else do they tape “Survivor” then?
TK: *slaps him* “Survivor” isn’t real.
Davis: It is too! It’s reality TV!
Nat: That’s an excellent idea, Davis. Thank you.
Davis: Huh? What did I say?
Nat: We’re going to play Digi Survivor.
*shocked silence*
Davis: Can we win a million dollars?
Nat: How about a million Digi Dollars?
TK: *slaps Davis* You and your big mouth!
Matt: Davis, come here so I can punch you.
Mimi: I don’t wanna eat bugs!
IL: That’s fine, we’ll let you eat pancakes.
Mimi: I can’t eat a whole pancake!
Matt: We’re going to have TEAMS, right? Can I make requests about which team I’m on?
Nat: Of course not.
Matt: Just thought I’d try.
Cody: I want to see Grandpa again. I don’t want to get eaten by a bear!
Ken: Cody, go read Grandpa’s letter again. I think this is a good idea.
Matt: Treason!
Ken: No really, I want to kick somebody’s butt. I practically ruled an entire world of wilderness. This will be fun.
Matt: That’s it. As soon as we get to the woods, you’re going down.
Cody: If we get voted out, do we get to go home?
IL: No. But let’s get going.
Nat: Rod, do you have all the equipment we need to move this little party out to the woods?
Rod: OF course.
IL: Nat, have you heard from the repair garage? I’d like to know if the bus has been fixed up.
Yolei: You FIXED the bus from hell? It should have gone to the scrap heap.
IL: Then its feelings would have been hurt.
Yolei: It’s a bus. It doesn’t think. It has no feelings.
Nat: Come on, let’s go.
Tai: No freakin’ way!
Nat: Do we have to put the chips back in your necks? Here’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to open the door, and let you all go down to the bus. Do you think I can trust you to make it down there on your own?
Izzy: Yes, I believe so. (they all file quietly out the door)
TK: RUN!!! (all the kids suddenly race down the hall. They turn the corner, scramble down 5 flights of stairs, and fling themselves out the door – straight into the back of the bus)
Nat, on intercom: I didn’t think I could trust you.
Matt: We have got to stop walking right into their traps.
Davis: We ran and jumped into this one, actually.
Fun Chapter Five Fact: If you are typing with all 10 fingers in the “real” way, and you move your right hand one letter to the right and type Jun, it becomes Kim.
Chapter 6