Chapter 10: From the Merger to the Final Three
Subheading: The Box of Mystery and Snowflake’s Lucky Chore Wheel
EAST SIDE
Martin: Do you guys hear screams of frustration coming from somewhere?
TK: Sounds like my brother. *shrugs* Oh well.
Martin: Do you suppose he needs help or something?
TK: Why do you have a saving-people fetish?
Izzy: TK! Don’t say “fetish,” it’s dir…improper.
TK: Dir…improper, you say? Did you in fact mean…DIRTY?
Izzy: No.
TK: I didn’t know “fetish” was dirty.
Izzy: You should never use words you don’t know the definition of.
TK: Then why do you keep using the word “genius?”
Izzy: Do you need me to break your face?
TK: *swallows* No, that’s OK.
Izzy: How about your nose?
TK: *gulp*
Izzy: Did you know there was a baseball pitcher who broke his nose in 20 places? (TK’s eyes grow wide) I bet with a little experimentation, we could recreate that phenomenon.
Martin: You know what? I just figured something out.
Izzy: Oh, really? You finally figured out that by squaring the two legs of a right triangle and finding the sum, you can find the square of the hypotenuse of that same triangle?
Martin: I already knew the Pythagorean Theorem, thank you. No -- I figured out that you are a phony.
Izzy: *twitch* I hope you know I’ve hated that word ever since I read Catcher in the Rye.
Martin: But it’s so true. (Izzy glares ominously and starts inching closer) You are so phony! You babble constant techno-scientific nonsense to impress people into thinking you’re smart, when you’re really just an ordinary kid with a good vocabulary. Also, you make vicious threats to injure people if they disagree with you or insult you, but I’ve never seen you so much as try to throw a punch. I bet you couldn’t even hit the side of a barn with your fist. Face it, you’re nothing but a poser and a bully who needs to get over himself and grow up…*holds his hand out over Izzy’s head* Both mentally and physically.
Izzy: Why you…I’m gonna...you’re gonna be…
Martin: Oh go sulk for a while. Come on TK, let’s get out of here and leave Izzy with his thoughts.
TK: *stares open-mouthed* O-kay. *follows Martin across the beach* Wait! Martin! What does “fetish” mean?
Izzy: *mutters* Oh, you are going to get it, you clarinet-playing…loser! Just you wait. You’ve just crossed the line from rival to hated enemy. I will show no mercy now!
NORTH BEACH
IL: You know, it’s surprising how little there is to do on a deserted island. It’s really quite boring. Why do the Digi Destined complain so much about challenges?
Nat: Exactly! They should be thanking us. I mean, we’re keeping them from being bored to death.
IL: Hey, they’re probably bored right now! Let’s go grab ‘em for another challenge.
WEST SIDE
(Matt, Davis and Tai are in the middle of a pictionary game. Matt looks really, really bored)
Nat: See? Hi guys.
Matt: *leaps up* Get out of here! I’m enjoying the Jun-Free Zone. I would like to relax for more than fif-- *pause* Wait, we’re going to do a challenge, right? One where I can vote off Davis?
Nat: Maybe.
Matt: Yes! Then I just have to beat Tai, and I win!
IL: Actually, after this challenge, the two tribes will merge. THEN you have to beat 4 other people.
Matt: *considers* I can take them.
Nat: Matt, have you ever watched Survivor?
Matt: Once or twice.
Nat: Did you ever notice how one former tribe always votes off all opposing tribe members after the merge?
IL: But I thought Martin and Izzy –
Nat: *elbows her* Shh! THEY don’t know that.
Davis: *scampers over* So what you’re saying is…he needs me.
Matt: *narrows eyes* Not for long. Go away. (he does)
IL: Careful, Matt. You don’t want Davis and Tai to turn against YOU, do you?
Matt: *thinks about meeting Jun at Camp Snowflake* *cheerfully* Hey guys! Nat and IL have a new challenge, and I think we can win!
Davis: But you just said –
Matt: *kicks him* We have to get rid of Izzy. And TK. Mainly TK. You remember him, right?
Davis: Oh yeah! Beat TK!
Matt: Good, problem solved. What’s the challenge, again?
IL: It goes like this: we’re going to have a soccer match.
Tai: Oooh! I’m good at that!
Nat: Oh yeah. How are you at water-skiing?
Matt: *catching on* I have several championship medals under my belt.
IL: Good, because our next challenge is really…waterskiing! In a pyramid. With a twist.
Tai: There’s always a twist. Why is there ALWAYS a twist?
Nat: Two of you will be skiing side-by-side, and the third will stand on their shoulders. The twist is that you have to balance a cup of water in your hand. Whoever has the most water left in their cup at the end wins.
IL: Do you realize you just explained the challenge to only half the kids?
Nat: Wha…gr.
IL: Never mind. I have a plan. *blows whistle* Rod! Give THESE to the other team and then bring them to the beach. Oh, and take THIS. *hands him a few items* Everyone else, follow me.
EAST SIDE
Rod: *stomps into camp*
Izzy: Didn’t we just get rid of you?
Rod: Get up, on your feet, read while you walk.
Izzy: And why should we OW! *Rod snaps a bullwhip under his heels*
Since when do you get weaponry??
Rod: Since IL said “Give “these” to the other team and then bring them back to the beach, with “THIS.” Now read what I gave you. (The boys walk off, reading extremely long and complicated rules explaining the challenge in very small print)
BEACH
Matt: I think we’ve broken some kind of record for number of challenges completed in a single day. I think we should celebrate by taking a week-long holiday.
Nat: Funny. So, is everybody ready to go waterskiing? You all have your swimsuits on, right?
Martin: No.
TK: SOMEBODY refused to let us get them.
Rod: *whistles*
IL: That is too bad.
Davis: We’re wearing ours! *sticks tongue out* But if TK really wants a pair, he can wear mine. I’ll just wear my birthday suit.
All: NO!!
Martin: It’s bad enough that we have to do these challenges, much less when you deliberately favor one team.
Nat: We’re not favoring them, we just have to handicap you because all the smart people are on your team.
Tai: AHEM?
Nat: You clearly were not smart enough to suck up to Ken and be on the smart team.
Tai: But –
IL: *blasts air horn* Rod and Mulder, please take your places in the driver’s seats of the speedboats.
Tai: Can we have Rod? I don’t trust Mulder when it comes to driving vehicles that I’m in.
Rod: Yeah, can I go with them? I’ve rounded up the other team too many times…I’m starting to worry about the murderous whisperings.
IL: Oh, all right, but only because your death would cause an unseemly delay in the proceedings.
Rod: I feel so loved.
(2 minutes later, the teams are assembled. Davis is elected/forced to be the water bearer for the Champions. TK and Martin are arguing over who will be the Smart One top of the pyramid)
TK: You’re the newest kid. You HAVE to be on top.
Martin: But I know all the physics laws and laws of gravity and such so I can keep you perfectly balanced! You won’t have to do a thing! Here, Izzy, explain it to him.
Izzy: *grins evilly* TK makes a very valid point: you are the least integrated into the group. Up you go.
Martin: But –
Nat: Everyone, take your places NOW. (uneasy pyramids form)
Davis: I’m falling! *sways to the left, gets pulled back into place* I’m still falling! *sways to the right* Slow down!
Matt: We haven’t started moving yet.
Davis: I know.
Matt: You can’t go any slower than 0 mph.
Davis: What about NEGATIVE numbers, huh?
Matt: Negative would imply backwards velocity. It would be faster than 0.
Davis: ? (the boats launch into motion)
Izzy: I thought these were speedboats, not slowboats!
Martin: Shh! The water in our cup is half gone as it is.
Izzy: Oops.
Davis: *looks down* This isn’t so bad.
Rod: *yells back* We’re going slowly now, but we’re almost to the water ski course, where we’ll go at normal speed.
Davis: *gulp*
Mulder: *yells over* Ready? (Rod gives a thumbs up and they both shoot forward)
All: AHHH!!
Davis: I’m falling, I’m falling!
Tai: That’s what you said before!
Davis: This time I’m REALLY falling!
Martin: *yelling directions to skiers below him* Straighten out! Lean back! Keep your knees bent!
Izzy: Shut up…damn backseat drivers.
Martin: Technically…
Izzy: Shut up! *swats at Martin*
Martin: *wobbles* Whoa! Watch it.
TK: *concentrating* Lean back, knees bent, feet together…I can’t do this.
Martin: Ahh! (TK’s left ski slips and he plants his face in the water, bringing Martin down on top of him)
*SPLASH*
Izzy: *looks back* Whoops! Mulder! Stop, we lost them!
Martin: *spitting out water* TK, what did you do??
TK: Look on the bright side – you won’t need a shower again until tomorrow. AND (slyly) look – the cup is miraculously full again.
Martin: But…hey, you’re right. (Meanwhile, Mulder and Izzy circle back)
Mulder: OK guys, hop back up. You get one restart.
TK: Cool. (they climb up and start again)
------
Davis: *opens eyes* Are we there yet?
Matt: No.
Davis: Hey, this isn’t so bad.
Tai: Yeah, all YOU have to do is stand there.
Davis: I’m helping! I’ll be the lookout.
Matt: Oh, great.
Davis: Look out! A tree!
Matt: That’s over there, Davis. On the shore.
Davis: Look out! A wave!
Tai: Idiot, we’re in a lake.
Davis: Ahhhh!
Matt: *exasperated* What?
Davis: Ahhh! It’s…uh…one of those floating things with a bell on it!
Matt: A buoy?
Davis: Yes! A buoy!
Tai: AHHHH, we’re going straight for it!
Davis: Go left!
Tai: Left?
Davis: Right. (Matt veers left. Tai veers right)
Davis: Ahhhh, I’m doing the spliiiiits…
Matt: Tai, get over here!
IL: Hey Nat, I think I fixed the voice recorder/mixer we were using earlier…
Matt: Tai, go left! Left!
Tai: I don’t know how!
Davis: AHHH! *falls*
Matt: Rod, Davis fell off…(while they restart, the SmartOnes keep right on going)
TK: Hah, we’re going to win! Nyah, nyah!
Davis: No! TK can’t win. *scrambles back into place* (The Champions begin to catch up. Izzy momentarily forgets about wanting to lose and vote off Martin, and instead urges Mulder to go faster…just as TK lifts his foot and twists the ski sideways, tripping Izzy…and just inches from the finish line, Martin starts to fall. Izzy gets an idea)
Izzy: Mulder, STOP! (Mulder slams on the brakes. Martin goes catapulting in somersaults over their heads. As he falls, the cup of water goes flying out of his hand…slowly spilling as it falls…)
Matt: Rod, step on it! (The Champions catch up. As they pass, Matt and Tai hit a wave, and Davis goes flying forward as well. He dives past the finish line a half second before Martin and comes up sputtering.)
Davis: Look! I did it! (Martin, desperate to salvage the remaining water in the cup, has kept it up high. Half an inch of liquid remains. Davis proudly displays his full-to-the-brim cup.)
Martin: Oh no! Um…um…you cheated! All that water is from falling in the lake!
Davis: Prove it.
Martin: There’s a snail shell and a piece of waterfoil floating in it.
Davis: What’s waterfoil?
Martin: Lakeweed.
Davis: *flicks them out* What are you talking about? Oh, look, here come Interview Lady and Nat.
Nat: Well, this one’s a no-brainer. Champions, well done. You may return to your beach and get ready for some newcomers – because after this impromptu tribal council, the 2 remaining members will be joining you. This is the last challenge of the day, so you can relax tonight. And/or fight over sleeping positions.
------------
TK: (to himself) Hm, this is a really hard vote…I don’t like either of them. *votes*
Izzy: (mumbling) Stupid TK…wait. Must destroy Martin. TK will vote for him because he’s a simple-minded fool and will only remember that Martin lost. But maybe I should keep Martin around long enough to help me get rid of the “Champion” dummies…*votes*
Martin: (to himself) TK made me lose! *drops vote in*
IL: Hmm…which of our three pitiful Smart Ones will be doomed next?
Izzy: Hurry up! How long does it take you to count three votes?
IL: Are you sure you don’t want to answer a few reflective questions about your time on this beach…?
All: NO!
IL: Fine…#1, TK.
TK: Whatever. Like they’d vote me off
IL: #2: Martin
Martin: Izzy!! I didn’t vote for YOU!
Izzy: It wasn’t me. *mutters* This time.
TK: Sorry I had to vote for you, but remember, I’ve known Izzy longer.
Martin: And you haven’t paid attention to how mean he is?
IL: Third and final vote…
TK: Well Martin, it’s been nice knowing you.
IL: TK.
TK: What?
IL: You’ve won a trip to Camp Snowflake.
TK: WHAT?
Izzy: Talk about a broken record.
Martin: Nice knowing you too.
TK: Darn…wait, this is a good thing. TOKOMON! I’M COMING TO VISIT YOU!!
CAMP SNOWFLAKE
SF: *eyes pop open* Oh, no. You there, servant girls: lock the doors. Ken, invent TK-repellent.
Ken: *snickers*
SF: *bites him*
Kari: I’m with Ken.
TK’s Rapidly Approaching Voice: And I’ll be with KARI, too!!
Kari: Hey Snowflake, have any jobs I can do in the basement? Preferably behind a locked door?
PT: Don’t worry, Pop. Snowball and I will make him our servant. Right?
SB: I get to sit in the hair.
PT: Um, sure. (Snowflake disappears with Yolei, Sora, Kari and Ken)
TK: *comes through door* Hi, mini-Tokomons! Where’s Tokomon?
PT: Dad’s busy. He said that to make him happy, you should invite Snowball to live on your head and then sew an extra-punky outfit for me, like a black-leather-and-chains jacket, until he comes back.
TK: Oh. Really? OK, I guess so. (Snowball and Punk Toko clap paws; Snowball jumps on TK’s head and P.T. drops some material at his feet, then leans back on a sofa to watch early rerun episodes of “Happy Interview Lady’s Interview Hour.”)
Onscreen: “DON’T LIE TO SNOWFLAKE THE F.B.I. ATTACK TOKO!”
PT: Haha, I love that part.
TK: I didn’t like it so much.
PT: *bites him* No watching my TV.
WOODS
(Martin and Izzy are walking through the woods to the other campsite, carrying their few belongings)
Martin: Well, this will be fun. Exploring new territory is always –
Izzy: I will have to endure enough pointless chatter from Tai and Davis once we get there. Please let me enjoy these last few moments of silence.
Martin: Yeah, but we should probably figure out an alliance or something, since our team is in the minority now.
Izzy: There is – (Izzy almost points out that it’s everyone for himself now, and there is no need for him to keep Martin around, but then reconsiders) –a simple solution. Matt hates Tai and Davis. We help him vote those two out, and then we get rid of Matt, and then the real fun begins.
Martin: That sounds like a plan. Cool. OK, you can have your silence back.
Izzy: *thinking* Just you wait…
~*10 minutes later*~
CAMP
Davis: Who’s there?!
Izzy: Still as dumb as ever, I see.
Davis: Izzy?
Izzy: Brilliance. Sheer brilliance. *sarcastic clap*
Matt: Hello, and welcome to Champion Camp. Let me give you the grand tour: Here’s the hut, where I sleep. There’s the open ground, where everyone else sleeps. This is the thorny bush into which I shove people that make stupid comments. Over there is our food cache, which currently contains some blackberries.
Tai: Matt! Those are black berries which we need to have Izzy identify in case they’re poison.
Matt;* shoves Tai into the bush*
Tai: No fair, you promised you wouldn’t do that if I let you have the hut!
Matt: *shrugs*
Martin: Um…kind of violent around here.
Davis: Awesome, we have five people again! Now we can play better games!
Martin: Um, no thanks. I’m really tired, so I think I’ll go to bed.
Davis: No fair. I want to play a game or something. This is the first time in ages that I’ve gotten to talk to Martin when I wasn’t trying to beat him in a challenge.
Izzy: *coughs*
Davis: I talk to you all the time. Mostly you’re making threats on my life. You’re not nice.
Izzy: Duh?
Matt: Hey, Izzy, can I talk to you? *heads off* (Martin thinks Izzy is securing the alliance and nods approvingly, pulling Davis into conversation to distract him)
Izzy: *follows* What about?
Matt: ANYTHING. Do you have any idea how lucky you are to be in camp with Martin? *Izzy twitches, Matt doesn’t notice* Do you have any idea how nice it is to talk to another human being who functions above a third-grade level? I thought I was going to go crazy. That, or revert to third grade myself.
Izzy: A common occurrence in situations like this. The brain focuses on coping mechanisms when its intellectual growth is inhibited.
Matt: See?? Simple conversation. I missed that. Plus Jun’s gone! It’s such a relief…(Matt stays up babbling for 2 hours. Izzy listens patiently)
…and that’s my view on politics, the end of the world, Christianity, and the Matrix.
Izzy: Very, ah, thorough. Say Matt, Martin and I were thinking – wouldn’t it be nice if the three of us made the finals? The only question is whether to get rid of Tai or Davis first.
Matt: Davis, no question. Motimiyas suck.
Izzy: Great.
Matt: Where is Martin, anyway? (Martin is looking as though he sincerely regrets being nice to Davis. Strands of conversation foat back)
Davis: This one time, I ate a cheeseburger that was a FOOT high! It was so huge!
Martin: Well, getting back to the subject of the economic influence on beef exportation…
Davis: But there were pickles on it. I don’t like pickles.
Izzy: *glancing over* Yeah, I’m pretty sure Martin will agree to that.
Martin: Agree on what?
Davis: Do you like pickles?
Martin: Uh…they’re OK, I guess.
Davis: Eeeuw! Gross! How can you eat those things?
Martin: They aren’t bad. You just pop them in your mouth and chew.
Davis: But they’re squeaky! How can you eat squeaky food? It’s like the food is calling out, “Don’t eat me! I taste bad! I want to LIVE!” I feel bad.
Tai: One time I ate a frosted cookie with pickles on it.
Davis: *sniff* The poor pickles.
Izzy: *coming back with Matt* Who do you think you are, Sora?
Martin: Anyway, can we go to bed now? It’s really important that I get some sleep.
Matt: Fine. There’s a patch of moss over there that Tai was sleeping on; I hear it makes a good pillow. Go sleep there.
Tai: But I thought we did have pillows.
Matt: No, I have pillows. They’re in the hut. I already explained the sleeping arrangements, so quit bothering me. *saunters off*
NEXT MORNING
Matt: *stands up and stretches, then walks outside* Ah, what a lovely morning. I slept really excellently, didn’t you?
Davis: *glares* It’s a good thing I’ve had breakfast, or I might try to hurt you.
Matt: Breakfast? What breakfast?
Tai: Oh, Martin said those berries we found were good to eat after all.
Matt: Excellent, pass me some.
Tai: *grins evilly* Sorry, Matt. We all woke up at dawn, because we couldn’t sleep, so I’m afraid we ate them all. *shows off the empty cache*
Matt: *punches him, narrowing his eyes at Martin* (Martin pulls Matt aside and hands him a forgotten portion of berries)
Martin: I figured they would be easier to manipulate if they thought I was being nice to them.
Matt: *evil gleam in his eyes* So the berries WERE poisonous?
Martin: *aghast* Of course not! I would never do such a thing. (Matt looks disappointed) But since they’re not, I saved you some. (Matt now looks suspicious) Oh honestly, stop being paranoid. *eats a few to prove their safety*
So, how long do you think we have until the next challenge?
Matt: Knowing Nat and IL, they’ll be calling us…
Loudspeaker: All Digi Destined and Martins who have not yet been eliminated, report to the beach immediately.
Matt: …any time now.
(Martin, Izzy, Matt and Davis start toward the beach)
Matt: Aren’t we missing someone?
Martin: Yeah, where’s that kid with the fluffy hair? Tai? (They look back and see Tai sleeping in the sand)
Matt: Hey! Wake up! How did you fall asleep that fast anyway?
Davis: Yeah, you were awake like one minute ago.
Tai: …huh? *yawns* (They hear a faint rustle coming from a tree branch over the path, followed by a giggle)
Matt: *looks up* Hey!
SF: Hehehe! (As he bounces away, camera in tow, a small bottle falls and hits Martin on the head)
Martin: *reads* “Majik sleeping pills, makes you fall asleep anytime, anywhere, in under 1 minute.” What does that mean?
Matt: I hate that Tokomon.
BEACH – 5 minutes later
Nat: Hello, my little sunshines! Did you have a nice rest?
Davis: *whispers to Martin* She’s creepy when she acts all nice like that.
IL: Well, it’s time for another challenge. As you may have realized…well, maybe I’m presuming too much about your level of deductive reasoning…we no longer have two teams to compete against each other. Instead, all five of you will compete for individual immunity, and then we will have another vote. Our next challenge will be a soccer game.
Davis/Tai: Yes!
Tai: Wait a minute…you just said we didn’t have teams anymore.
Nat: You don’t. This is an everyone-for-himself game. Each of you must defend your own net and try to score on anyone else’s. The person who has the fewest points scored against them in the end wins immunity. Those are the only rules. Got it?
Davis: What do you mean, the only rules? What about handballs and…oof! *doubles over as Tai elbows him in the stomach*
Tai: Shh…if she says those are the only rules…
Davis: Oh, I see.
IL: All 5 nets are set up in a circle over there; each of you can pick a net.
Davis: What’s with the giant puddle in the middle of the field?
Nat: Oh, that. There were some problems with the temporary septic system we installed, and some pipes broke, causing our little field to flood in one spot.
Martin: Oh, gross.
Davis: Whatever. I’ve had to play in a lot of muddy fields before. This one shouldn’t be any different. (He goes to stand in front of a goal. Tai and Izzy choose goals on either side of him. Martin goes left of Izzy, and Matt takes the last one, between Tai and Martin.)
Matt: Man, why do I have to be next to Tai?
Izzy: So it’s easier to score with him…I mean on him. Hehe.
Matt: Just you wait.
IL: Ready…set…go!
Matt: *carefully aims, and sends soccer ball flying at the back of Izzy’s head*
Izzy: Hah, funny. (As Matt dribbles past him, Izzy sticks one foot out and trips him, then doubles back and shoots a goal. Elsewhere, Tai and Davis both come at Martin at once)
Martin: Hey, I haven’t even left the goal yet AH! *ducks as both balls come flying at his face*
IL: A goal each for Tai, Davis and Izzy
Nat: (quietly) Wait, I thought they only got points for defending their goal.
IL: It’s not my problem if they forget that. (out loud) OK, so Matt has 1 on him and Martin has 2.
(Meanwhile, Izzy has casually drifted back to his goal, having remembered the point of the game, and therefore not trying to score goals)
Tai: Hey Matt, watch my mad skillz! (He slips behind Matt and aims at his goal. Matt spins and does a spectacular flying leap onto the ball, catching it on the ground – getting spattered by mud in the process. He turns and punts it through Tai’s goal, as it lands in the distant woods)
Tai: No fair! Interview Lady, he kicked my soccer ball into the woods on purpose!
IL: Better run and catch it. (Tai scowls and runs off at top speed)
Matt: Hehehe. (He runs up to Tai’s goal and stands on the line, one foot on top of his own ball, rolling it back and forth.) Goal 1, goal 2, goals 3, 4, 5… (Meanwhile, Davis is dribbling around the circle, scoring as he goes, skipping his own, until he gets to Izzy’s)
Izzy: Don’t even think about it.
Davis: I’m not scared of you on the soccer field! (Deftly, he darts around Izzy, scores twice, and continues. Izzy lunges at him and misses. Tai is digging through the bushes in the woods)
Tai: Stupid Matt. I’m going to get him AH!! *plunges into a hidden swamp* Gross! Oh, there’s the ball. *wades over to get it from the branches of a dead log*
Matt: 67, 68, 69… (A ball comes flying out of nowhere, hitting him square in the face) OW! I’M bleeding…my nose is bleeding! Red card on Tai!
Tai: I don’t know what you’re talking about. *runs off*
Matt: Come back here!
Tai: What’re you gonna do, bleed on me?
Cody’s Distant Voice: “That’s copyrighted!” I already TOLD you that line was copyrighted!
Matt: Yes, but first I’m going to POUND you! *shoves Tai into the center puddle* There are no rules to stop me from beating you up!
Tai: But then you won’t get immunity.
Matt: Neither will you. *beats him up* And unlike you, I have an alliance composed of the majority of the camp.
Tai: A what? OW! *gets punched* (Meanwhile, Martin is standing in his goal, tentatively scoring goals only on Tai, since it’s right across from him and has no owner to block it)
IL: Actually, he’s not scoring very much, is he? *noticing his sixth miss in a row*
Izzy: Don’t talk about me! And – DAVIS! I’m going to KILL you! (grinning, Davis scores on him again. As Izzy chases him away, Martin scores on the open goal and darts off)
Davis: Well, that’s 56 goals, so I should probably play defense now. *blocking every shot* Sweet, a shut-out game!
Izzy: You’ve only stopped…*kicks again* six!
Davis: And none have gone through. *punts the ball away*
IL: OK, that’s enough fun. *blows whistle* The number of goals scored is as follows: Tai, 2. Martin, 6. Izzy, 7. Davis, 56. And Matt, 76.
Matt: *singing* “76 goals scored, mostly on a pointy-haired loser…” I’ll take my immunity charm necklace thing now.
Nat: But immunity goes to whoever is the best goalkeeper. The number of goals scored on you is as follows: Tai, 81. Martin, 17. Izzy, 16. Matt, 33.
Tai: *counting on fingers* No fair, I can’t add that many numbers…
Matt: *looks furious*
IL: Hey Davis, how many goals did Izzy score on you?
Davis: None. So?
Nat: Hey Izzy, how many goals did everyone combined score in this game?
Izzy: *sourly* 147.
Nat: And how many is 81 + 17 + 16 + 33?
Izzy: *even more sourly* 147.
Nat: So, Davis, what do you think that means?
Davis: *looking clueless* I dunno, is that some kind of college calculus problem? How should I know?
Matt: *erupts in shrieks* IT MEANS NOBODY SCORED ANY GOALS ON YOU, SO YOU WON IMMUNITY, YOU LITTLE UNDESERVING IDIOT!
Davis: Oh. *brightens* Cool. So I can’t get voted off?
Matt: *mutters* Not until next time, at least.
Davis: Cool, let’s vote.
~*5 minutes later*~
IL: And the votes are as follows: #1, Tai.
Tai: What do you have against me?
IL: #2, Tai.
Izzy: One more vote and you’re out!
IL: #3, Izzy.
Izzy: What?? Who voted for me?!
IL: #4, Izzy.
Tai: Hah! Take THAT Izzy!
IL: And #5, Tai.
Tai: NOOoooooo!!
Izzy: Hahaha. Off to Camp Snowflake with you! (Rod and Mulder cart him off)
Nat: All right, everyone, time for the next challenge.
Everyone: What?!
Davis: What happened to our break? We always have breaks between challenges.
Nat: Not this time.
Davis: Not fair.
Nat: Well, if you hadn’t gone and won yourself immunity, you wouldn’t have to be subjected to this unfairness.
Davis: *thinks for a moment and looks confused*
Nat: Never mind. The next contest is a battle of wits, not of skill.
Matt: *snickers, points at Davis, and hikes his thumb over his shoulder*
Nat: It will show how much you understand about your fellow players and about our own limits and self control.
Izzy: This sounds like fun. Finally, we have a GOOD challenge.
Nat: From here on out, until the end of the challenge, you are no longer allowed to speak amongst yourselves. You will be separated by cloth barriers and each of you will be presented with a box. When the timer rings, each of you will open the box and you’ll deal with the challenge inside – I won’t be telling you what kind of contest it is. That’s all I can say – no questions and no talking to each other. I’ll let you know when the challenge is over.
Izzy: *thinking* Hmm…this is some kind of puzzle. All I have to do is figure it out faster than everyone else! [a/n: During this challenge, italicized sections represent their thoughts]
Martin: Finally, I’ll be able to prove how smart I am! I bet all that PSEO will really give me an advantage!
Davis: Crap
Matt: I hope Davis loses. I hope Davis loses. I hope Davis loses.
(Each kid is escorted into their own corner of a giant “X” made of cloth walls. *bell dings*)
Izzy: OK, here we go. *quickly opens the box* Huh?
Martin: *opens his box* What?
Davis: I smell… *rips the lid off the box* FOOD!! *starts eating everything in the box as quickly as possible*
Matt: Food? They said they’d test our self control…I’ll bet we just have to eat less than everyone else. I wonder how much everyone else will eat? Davis will pig out for sure. We haven’t eaten in a long time. *stomach rumbles* Crap. I’m so hungry. I’ll bet Martin and Izzy are too. I’ll just have a little bit, and I’ll try and eat less than those two. *nibbles a bite of pizza*
Izzy: Food. Hmm. These must be some kind of clues. I wonder if each type of food represents a letter. This pizza has 25 pepperonis on it – that could be the letter Y…or there are 8 slices. That could be the letter H. Next, a bag of M& M’s – 15 of them. That’s on O!
Martin: Hmm…food. I’ll be we have to figure out which one isn’t “poisoned”: If I deduce that the pizza…
Davis: *eating as quickly as possible* All right! Finally! A good meal! All I have left is the apple! *takes a bite*
Martin: I’ve got it! The apple! *takes a bite*
Izzy: So far I have Y or H, and O, U, L, O, S, E. Lo-house? Yo-house? Wait…YOU LOSE?!?!?!
*an incredibly loud buzzer sounds*
IL: That’s the end of the challenge!
Izzy: Who won?! Who won immunity?!
IL: Davis did. This was actually just a simple eating contest. Whoever ate the most won.
Izzy: WHAT?
Nat: *shrugs* Sometimes the simplest solutions are the ones that help you survive, hence the title of our show, Digi Survivor.
Matt: *ripping out hair* I don’t believe this! I’ve been starving for days! Mimi eats more than this! Give me my pizza! *leaps for it*
Nat: Ah-ah-ah. *holds it out of his reach* The challenge is over. It’s ours now.
IL: Only I’m on this new vegetarian diet, so Rod, you can have the pizza.
Rod: That’s OK, I have my own.
IL: Fine, just throw it away then.
Matt: Help! Starving human being right before your eyes!
IL: You ignored it for ten full minutes; clearly you weren’t interested.
Matt: How was I supposed to think straight on a starvation diet?
Davis: See Matt, that’s your problem – just like Izzy here. You think too much. If the whole world would just stop thinking, and act more like me, the world would be a much better place.
Matt: A world…full of…Davis? The horror!
Davis: Gee Matt, I’d think you’d be thanking me for giving you some friendly advice. By the way, how’s your alliance going?
Matt: Um…group huddle! *all 4 come into the circle*
Matt: *kicks Davis* Not you! OK, guys? Even if each of us votes for a different person, Davis is going to decide who goes home.
Izzy: No, that’s what will happen if we all vote differently. On the other hand, somebody could sacrifice themselves for the good of the other smart kids. I mean, Matt, you wouldn’t want Davis deciding your fate.
Matt: Bull! You snake usurper! Martin, let’s vote him off. (For the first time, Izzy realizes he is vulnerable)
Izzy: Just kidding. Geeze. Matt, you actually had a really good idea. I’ll vote for Matt, Martin votes for me, and Matt votes for Martin. Technically it would seem like Davis is deciding, but actually it would be the most random, and therefore fairest, way of bumping someone off.
Martin: Well, at least it’s fair. Besides, I don’t have a problem with Davis deciding who goes.
Matt: Fair?! Giving Davis power is not fair!
(As they walk to the voting area, Izzy kicks Matt, who turns with a murderous glance.
Izzy: Oh yes, it’ll be fair and fun – almost like watching The Matrix. Too bad we don’t have any cheeseburgers with us.
Matt: Um, whatever that means, sure.
Martin: *walks off to vote*
Izzy: *muttering* I was trying to use a clever analogy, using the topics we discussed last night -- but since you’re too stupid to understand, that means I’m voting for Martin, not you. Therefore, we can get rid of him.
Matt: Oh!
Davis: ALL RIGHT! It’s votin’ time, yee-haw!
Matt: Shut up, Davis, you’re out next time.
Davis: If you’re still around. *smirks*
IL: OK, let’s read the votes. #1: “Matt, the big stinky-faced loser.”
Matt: Gee, Davis, who did you vote for?
IL: #2, Izzy.
#3, Martin. And #4…Martin.
Martin: Wait, but if Davis voted for Matt, then…Izzy!!
Izzy: *smiles* Yes, my former rival?
Martin: But – all I ever did was be nice and accommodating and try to get along with everyone, and treat you all equally…
Izzy: *cough Communist*
Martin: Shut up. So, what happens now? How do I get home?
Izzy: Oh no, you don’t get to go home, remember? The punishment for losing is a trip to Camp Snowflake.
Martin: Why does that sound like it won’t be as much fun?
Rod: Come along.
Mulder: It’s time to go. (Rod and Mulder each grab one of his arms)
Martin: Guys? …hey, guys?? *gets dragged away* I’m capable of walking on my own, you know.
Mulder: My contract says that you have to be dragged.
Rod: It’s more dramatic this way, you see. Plus it enforces our image as tough security guards.
Martin: Aren’t you only like 3 years older than me? *to Mulder* And don’t you have a wife, or something?
Mulder: It’s a complicated living situation.
Martin: So, what is Camp Snowflake? It sounds kind of like a winter sports camp…but it’s summer…
Mulder: No, it’s a place where you serve the three Tokomons.
Martin: The what?
Mulder: Well, between you and me, I think “Tokomons” are really a secret government breeding experiment gone awry, possibly stolen by the –
Rod: *sounding bored* Shut up, Mulder. Snowflake is just that cute pink Digimon with the very large teeth.
Mulder: Hey, I was having the conversation, not you.
Rod: You’re not supposed to associate with the inmates once we’ve arrived, and we’re here.
CAMP SNOWFLAKE
SF: Hello, Martin! I wondered when I’d see you here.
Martin: Uh…hi.
SF: Want to play a game?
Martin: Do I have a choice?
SF: Doesn’t matter, it’s a super-fun game. Here’s how it works. From now on, any time you say one of the following words – (he indicates a chart, on which are written “I, um, the, a, oh, ow, what”) – you will spin this – (he indicates “Snowflake’s Lucky Chore Wheel”) – and serve me.
Martin: Uh –
SF: He said um! Spin the wheel!
Martin: No I didn’—
SF: You said “I”! Spin-spin!
Martin: Fine. *spins it; it points to “Rub Snowflake’s belly”*
SF: Woohoo! *flips over on his back, waving his little paws*
Martin: *petting him* Hey, this isn’t so bad. It’s kind of like a soft little cat. (SF is lying on his back, making little contented noises, when suddenly he sinks his teeth into Martin’s hand)
Martin: OW! What was – oops.
SF: *giddily* TWO more spins! Later. I want you to keep petting me right now. In answer to your question, sometimes Tokos are so overcome with pleasure during petting sessions that they have to bite, the way a dog kicks its leg.
Martin: Doesn’t seem like much incentive to pet softly.
SF: If I am displeased, I may bite you…elsewhere.
Martin: Can I at least wear gloves?
SF: Mmm…no. Gloves don’t feel nice on Tokomon bellies. Plus, you said another bad word.
Martin: What?
SF: *giggles* You’re bad at this!
Martin: …may Martin request that certain words be removed from that list?
SF: Absolutely not. By the way, before your backlog gets too high, why don’t you spin the wheel to see what your next chore is after this?
Martin: *spins and reads* “Clean Snowflake’s teeth…” oh, I don’t like the sound of that.
Chapter 11