Chapter 11: And the Winner Is...
Alternate Chapter 11 Title: Freshwater Sharks

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BEACH
Matt: Well, it?s down the two of us now. Just a few more hours here?
Davis: What about me?
Matt: You?ll be gone very soon, so in the meantime, I?m going to pretend you don?t exist. And if you win one more immunity challenge, I?ll break your neck.
Davis: Death threats are boring. I hear them all the time, you know.
Matt: Wonder why.
Davis: I wonder what our last challenge will be.
Matt: Shh! *smacks him*
Nat: Would you like to find out now?
Matt: No.
Nat: Too bad. IL? Would you care to do the honors?
IL: But of course.
Matt: But we haven?t had a break! This makes three challenges in a row!
IL: That IS too bad, isn?t it? Especially since the next challenge is an endurance test.
Matt: What?! But I?m TIRED!
IL: That?s the point. The next challenge is this: you must swim out to those 3 posts in the middle of the lake *points* and climb on top. Then you stand there. The last person standing wins immunity.
Izzy: Great, more swimming.
Nat: Ready, set, go!
Davis: What about swimsuits?
Nat: You heard me: ?Ready, set, go.?
Davis: Dang it. (A short time later, three sulky kids are standing on bare wooden posts. IL, Nat, Mulder and Rod are all lounging on the dock, sipping cool drinks and watching the contestants)
Matt: May I ask you something? Why are you making us stand here in direct sunlight during the hottest part of the day?
Davis: Without sunscreen or hats or even a Gameboy?
Izzy: You?re welcome to cool off in the lake, you know.
Davis: Really? *starts to dive*
Matt: But that would make you lose!
Davis: What?? *flails wildly, barely hanging on* How dare you try to sabotage me?
Izzy: Matt, how dare you help Davis? You?ve been trying to get rid of him since the second Jun left, and now you want to save him?
Matt: Izzy, in this triad of ?total idiot,? ?evil genius,? and ?handsome nice guy,? who do you think people are most afraid to vote against?
Izzy: I didn?t know you found Davis so handsome.
Matt: Shut up! The plan changed ? now I intend to bring Davis with me to the final 2. Nobody likes him. But if YOU come, you?ll blackmail people or something to make yourself win. Therefore, I?m going to do everything in my power to get rid of you before ?
Izzy: Davis, did you know there?s a shadow circling your post under the water?
Davis: Where?! *sees it and panics* What is it??
Izzy: Well, if it?s not a piranha, it might be one of those exotic freshwater sharks?they?re about as deadly as a piranha, but they leap out of the water to attack their prey. But then again, maybe it?s just a flesh-eating snapping turtle.
Davis: *peering at the minnow-sized shadow* But it looks so small?
Izzy: Oh dear, that?s bad.
Matt: Shut up, Izzy. Davis, don?t listen.
Davis: Why?s it bad?
Matt: I said don?t listen!
Izzy: It?s kinder not to say.
Davis: Tell me!
Izzy: Well, if you must know, that means the shark has already smelled you and is now deep underwater, ready to propel himself upwards and attack.
Davis: *quakes*
Matt: Fortunately, he can?t see you, so if you keep your feet planted on the wood and don?t lean over, he won?t jump. *smirks* Two can play at this game, Izzy.
IL: But you know what keeps him underwater?
Matt: Quiet!
IL: No, the opposite of that, actually?singing! Loudly! The louder and more off-key it is, the more it frightens him away.
Matt: *gasps* Devil-woman!
Davis: Thanks, IL. How about?hm? ?THIS IS THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS??
(Izzy and Matt promptly clap their hands over their ears, but are unable to totally drown out the sound)
Izzy: I hate you.
Nat: Well, you started it.
Izzy: Oh yeah, IL? Well, YOU still have to put up with it too. *sneers*
Nat: Really? *passes out 4 iPods and pairs of headphones to everyone on the dock*
Matt: *jaw drops*
~*2 hours later*~
(Matt is mentally retreating into a fantasy world, the same one he usually escapes to when Jun hugs him. Izzy has stuffed his fingers in his ears while loudly reciting the digits of pi. Davis peers over the edge as he grows hoarse)
Davis: Oh good, it?s gone. K, I?m bored again. I think I?ll look at the clouds. That one looks like me kissing Kari?that one looks like TK getting beat up?by me?that one looks like Izzy kissing my feet?
Izzy: THAT one looks like a stick hitting Davis?*WHAP*
Davis: OW! Clouds don?t hurt people!
Izzy: No, but I do. (Izzy has grabbed a piece of driftwood and chucked it at him)
Davis: *throws it back, but misses, and the stick floats away* My feet hurt. I think I have a splinter. Can we stop?
Izzy: Just a splinter? Aren?t you more worried about your feet going numb, the tissue decaying, having them amputated??
~*5 hours in*~
(Izzy has listed every possible medical problem associated with uninterrupted periods of standing, Matt has composed a half-dozen songs about murder, and Davis is complaining about food.)
Davis: I?m hungry. And sunburned.
Matt: Why are you hungry; you pigged out on pizza and candy and all that other junk!
Davis: That was five hours ago.
IL: What luck! I have a big ice cream sundae right here. All you have to do is come get it.
Matt: Don?t move! I?ll buy you ten sundaes after I win if you stay put.
Davis: Hey, maybe I?ll win. Ever thought about that?
Matt: And maybe pigs will?I mean, maybe I?ll kiss Jun.
~*10 hours in*~
Matt: Must beat Izzy.
Izzy: Must beat Matt.
Davis: Must find out if Barney the Dinosaur is real?
IL: All right, tell you what? (the 3 snap to attention after hours of silence) let?s make it interesting.
Matt: Interesting like dropping a lit match on Izzy?s post?
IL: Hmm?I suppose lighting your stands on fire would be a good way to speed this up.
Matt: No-no-no, that?s not what I said.
Nat: Fortunately for you, since it?s your idea, we?re going to ignore it. Rod, bring in the ?props.? I give you?Exhibit A.
Jun: HI MATTSY!
Matt: *earsplitting shriek* NO!
IL: Matt, you look so lonely out there?we thought you could use some company.
Davis: Do you have Kari with you?
IL: No.
Davis: Booo.
IL: We could send you TK, if you like.
Davis: Nah.
Matt: How dare you bring that nasty thing back with you??
Jun: *points at Rod* I know, I told him he should stay at camp. (to IL) Can I go see Matt now?
IL: Sure. (Jun dives in and swims out. Matt goes rigid and clings to the post, but doesn?t move)
Izzy: Better dive, Matt. What are you worried about? I?ll bring Davis to the final 2 with me.
Matt: That?s not the point?(Jun gets closer)
Mulder: Hey, Izzy, over here?*holds up Izzy?s no-longer-encased-in-Flubber computer and dangles it over the water)
Izzy: You wouldn?t. *pales* (Mulder lets it slip another inch?while Jun gets very close) Like I care anyway. I have everything uploaded to an FTP server online.
Mulder: Really? *lets it drop lower, an inch over the water* (Izzy waits) *stands up* I guess it?s not going to work after all? (Izzy smirks) Oops. *drops it*
Izzy: AHHH!!! *launches off the post and races for shore*
Matt: *rockets off his own post a split-second before Jun reaches it, escaping into the deep water* *pops up* Davis, you won! Quick, vote out Izzy!
Nat: Oh well, I guess we don?t need this pizza anymore. *gets ready to drop it in the sand*
Davis: No! *dives off post and starts swimming towards land*
Nat: No? We don?t need it? OK. *drops the pizza in the water, where it disappears with a frenzied splash*
Davis: *stops swimming* What was that?
Nat: Oh, that? Probably just the lake?s local piranha population. Apparently, they are hungry.
Davis/Matt: What??
Izzy: There aren?t any piranhas.
Matt: Says the one who is safely on shore.
Izzy: Why, so I am! Hey Davis, do you want to know how to escape piranhas?
Matt: ?Davis, he doesn?t really know! Don?t listen to him!
Izzy: If you vote off Matt, I?ll tell you.
Davis: Um, okay.
Matt: Noooo!
Izzy: All you have to do is swim in slow motion. That way, they won?t notice you.
Davis: Wow, thanks Izzy.
Matt: He?s lying! Swim fast so they don?t catch you!
Davis: I?m not sure?you try it first.
Matt: OK, fine. *looks around nervously, then starts swimming as quickly as possible towards shore* See, Davis, it?s easy. There?s nothing to?ahh! Something?s got my foot! Help!! *gets dragged underwater*
Davis: Um, Matt?
Jun: Mattsy? No! Come back!
Izzy: Look, it?s a Motimiya soup.
Davis: Must?swim?slowly?I?m sinking!
Jun: Why couldn?t the piranhas have taken YOU? *sobs*
Izzy: Well, it looks like Matt?s gone for good. That means we?re automatically in the finals, Davis. Since that?s the case?I lied about the slow swimming. They can smell you no matter how fast you swim.
Davis: *looks around at the water* AHH! *swims quickly to shore* (Suddenly, the water right behind Davis begins churning)
Davis: IT?S THE PIRANHAS!
SF: *pops up from the water wearing Toko-sized scuba gear* Look what I found! (He holds up a foot connected to?)
Jun: Mattsy! *appears instantly at his side*
Matt: *sputters and spits out water* You treacherous Tokomon! I?ll get you for that.
Jun: Do you need CPR?
Matt: No! See? I?m breathing just fine. If I needed CPR, I wouldn?t be able to talk.
Jun: I?d better try, just in case. (Matt hacks and jumps nimbly out of reach, up a tree)
IL: OK, that?s enough fun for now. Rod, round her up. (Rod loads an industrial-strength rhino tranquilizer dart into the gun and shoots her. Jun struggles up through a couple of branches, then slips and falls to the ground, unconscious)
Rod: Just to make it interesting, whoever gets voted out has to carry her back to Camp Snowflake.
Matt: Good thing I?m safe. Right, Davis?
Izzy: Come on, Davis. If you go against Matt, do you really think you?ll win? Nobody likes you.
Matt: The bigger question is, how many people hate Izzy more?
Davis: (to Izzy) So far I hear no incentive to save you.
Izzy: Well, it?s simple. For a nominal fee, I could ?convince? everybody to vote for you.
Davis: But I don?t have any money!
Izzy: Well, you could pay in other ways. For example, did you know you only need one kidney to live?
Davis: Hang on, that sounds like you made that up?
Matt: And sharks in a freshwater lake sounded plausible?
Izzy: Think about it.
Matt: Think about THIS: When has Izzy ever kept a promise? He lies through his teeth, always switching to whatever side helps him the most. Remember all the times he helped IL?
Izzy: I was coerced!
Davis: Um um um?this is too hard! *spins around in a circle with eyes closed* Eeney, meeny, jiggery pokery, the one I point to goes with Jun. Okery. *opens eyes*
Matt: *leaps out of tree and onto Davis* You stupid freaking idiot, I hate you, how dare you vote me off!!
Davis: It wasn?t me, it was the Jiggery Pokery chant!
Matt: I?ll jigger you, you lousy little?
Izzy: *calmly* Matt, your bride awaits. *points to snoring Jun*
Matt: No way.
SF: *beams up at him* OK, then you can carry me. In fact, that can be your first camp activity. *breaks off a thin branch* Now, keep in mind that I expect you to go exactly 5 km/hr. *jumps on his head* Too slow, and I shall whip you like so: *smacks Matt?s shoulders* Too fast, and I shall smack you like that: *raps him across the head*
Matt: *cursing Tokos in general* Still better than Jun.
Rod: Bye everybody! See you tomorrow. *slings unconscious Jun over his shoulders and exits with Matt*
Matt: (as he disappears from view) Can?t you at least drag her by her ankles? Maybe she?ll hit her head on a rock?OW! Damn you Snowflake, I?m going!
IL: Well, there you have it. Izzy and Davis, YOU are the final two. Get a good night?s rest, because it?s your last day of vacation.
Davis: This was not a vacation.
Nat: Sure it was, it was a fun and happy camping trip.
Davis: Whatever. So, Izzy, do you really think you can help me win?
Izzy: Of course not. That was just an excuse to vote off my competition. You are no threat to me. I will win easily. Good night.
Davis: You?lied?
Izzy: Yup.
Davis: I?m going to tell the jury what you said!
Izzy: Fortunately, your memory is so poor that by the time you wake up, you?ll have forgotten this conversation.
Davis: What conversation?
IL: Right, well, we?re off to check out Camp Snowflake, and then we?ll be off to our fully equipped houseboat with its soft, comfortable beds.
Davis: Can I sleep on the houseboat?
Nat: You could sleep under the houseboat, if you like.
Davis: Cool, it has a basement?

CAMP SNOWFLAKE
SF: Hello everyone?I have returned.
Sora: *pushing to front of crowd* Who is it? I want to know who our champions are! *sees Matt* NOOOO?this is horrible! It?s against nature! DAVIS SURVIVED TO THE END. (at her words, the kids in back gasp) And that evil Izzy!
Ken: WHAT?! My arch-nemesis and an idiot? Matt, how did you let this happen??
Matt: I don?t know, Ken, probably the same way you did.
SF: I also have a sad announcement ? Camp Snowflake is coming to an end. You will return home tomorrow morning.
All: HOME?!
SF: Well, back to IL.
Sora: Sick.
SF: So naturally, before we go home, we must sing the camp song one more time.
Cody: What camp song? We sang no camp song.
SB: No, you sang no camp song, because it?s called ?When Tokos Rule the World,? sung to the tune of ?Farmer in the Dell,? and you went into convulsions every time we tried. (everyone sings)
Cody: *goes into convulsions*
PT: Yo! OK, now that we?ve sung the song, we need four teams.
All: BOO?
PT: Four groups. Three of them will build the bonfires ? take these toasting forks.
TK: We get to roast marshmallows?
PT: Yep! And also hot dogs and lots of other things cooked over a fire. Then pile them on these trays and bring them to us, so we Tokos may feast. YOU may then pick up your rations of bread and cheese.
SB: Actually, I want the cheese.
PT: Amended: Pick up your rations of bread.
SF: But not the soft pieces, because I want those. Just take the dry end crusts.
Matt: Hey, PT, how about if I make your food extra crispy? You know, to match your fur color?
PT: Then you will get no bread at all, just burned food.
SF: The rest of you will take these blueprints?and build OUR sleeping quarters.
Ken: ?The Toko-Mahal??
SF: Catchy, isn?t it?
Ken: But this is ridiculously complicated for something you?re only going to use for one night!
Martin: I?ll build it.
Ken: We are not going through this again.
SF: Martin, build. Ken, cook. The rest of you, pick either one.
~*20 minutes later*~
PT: All right, slaves, we have enough food now. You may eat your stale bread crusts.
Martin: What about me, Matt, Jun and Cody?
SF: You keep working on that tent.
Matt: A ?Toko-Mahal? is not a tent. It?s more like a canvas fortress.
Cody: All these metal poles remind me of my grandpa when he taught me to honor the Kendo stick.
TK: *whaps Cody on the head* Shut up, Short One.
Cody: Now I?m doubly reminded.
Jun: Mattsy, I?m hungry.
Matt: Eat paste.
~*Another 20 minutes later*~
Tai: Ahh. It?s amazing how satisfying bread crusts can be when you can?t remember the last meal you had.
Kari: You can?t even remember anything that happened more than five minutes ago. You?re worse than Davis.
Tai: I can too!
Kari: Prove it. What did we have as an appetizer tonight?
Tai: Um?calamari?
Kari: Nope, we didn?t have one.
Tai: Really? I could have sworn we had calamari?
PT: We had calamari as an appetizer.
Tai: Oh yeah!
Martin: OK, we finished setting up the Monstrosity-Mahal.
Matt: Can we eat now?
Cody: Yeah, I?m hungry too.
Tai: Pass over the leftover bread, guys!
Kari: Tai, you ate it all.
Tai: No I didn?t; I only had 1 slice.
Kari: Seriously, did you already forget all the other slices you ate? You had like 20.
Mimi: I saved the rest of my slice. I was totally full after two bites, but then Tai ate that one too.
Matt: Tai, you pig! Don?t you ever think of anyone else?
Jun: Oh well, it looks like we?ll just have to be hungry together, Mattsy.
Martin: I?ll be OK. I know which woodland plants and fungi are edible.
Cody: My grandfather trained me to go long periods without nourishment.
Matt: That doesn?t help ME.
Ken: Are you sure that?s not just because he was too poor to afford food that week?
Cody: NEVER ? INSULT ? MY ? GRANDPA! *seizes tree-branch Kendo stick*
SB: No fighting or I?ll push you in the fire! You?re not to waste precious energy unless you?re serving us. Now?as it?s nearly 8 PM, I?m tired, and that means everybody goes to bed. (*cheers arise*)
SF: AFTER performing all of the following tasks: Yolei, tuck us in and sing lullabies. NICE, quiet ones, if you value your hands. Martin, go pick all of the nearby edible plants and pile them beside our beds in case we want a midnight snack. Ken and Cody, take turns keeping that nice fire going all night. TK and Kari, your job is to stand guard and keep the mosquitoes off all night.
Kari: OK. I might smack you really hard sometimes, but I want you to know ahead of time that it?s only to make sure I kill the bugs.
SF: Oh no, no, we don?t want you to kill them. That would be barbaric. Just wave them away.
TK: Well, I want you to know ahead of time, that my waving might sometimes seem like cuddling.
SF: On second thought, TK, you stand over THERE and read to us from this book: ?1001 Tokomon Riddles? ? between Yolei?s songs, of course. Mimi, you can be the other bug waver. And Tai, you can help too.
Mimi: I can?t stay up all night! I need my sleep!
SB: Oh well.
PT: I?m thirsty. I want water. Fresh from the inland spring half a mile away.
SF: Mimi, would you rather fetch water? No? OK then, Matt and Jun, go get water.
Matt: Why does she have to come with?
SF: Because it amuses me.
SB: *gasp* I miss my teddy bear! I forgot to pack him!
SF: Don?t worry, Snowball. Sora! Go sew a teddy bear.
Sora: With WHAT?
SF: This sewing kit. *waves a wand* *POOF*
Sora: *stares* You have a magic wand? Where did you get that?! And most importantly, WHY HAVEN?T YOU BEEN USING MAGIC ALL ALONG??
SF: The wand comes from a nice young boy named Harry Potter. Anyway, we haven?t used magic because what would be the fun of Camp Snowflake without campers? So sew, slave, sew! When you?re finished, tell everyone they can sleep in these nice Tokomon-patterned sleeping bags. *waves wand again* No pillows. Unless you have an all-night job.
Kari: If we have an all-night job, what do we need pillows for?
SF: Exactly.
TK: OK, I have a riddle. ?What?s the difference between a sewing machine and a Tokomon?? ? ?One sews nice seams, and the other seems so nice.?
SB: Haha! Read another!
TK: ?What time is it when a Tokomon scratches his own head?? ? ?Five after one.?
Tokos: *laugh uproariously*
Kari: Huh?
Yolei: I don?t get it.
PT: That?s OK, it?s time for a lullaby.
Yolei: *sings* Lullaby, and goodnight, go to sleep little Tokos? (5 minutes later?)
Tokos: *snore*
Tai: They?re asleep; quick, let?s escape before they wake up!
TK: I don?t know about this?
Tai: Kari, come on, let?s go home. (Kari and Tai sneak towards the tent flap)
SB: Just where do you think you?re going, you lowly mosquito wavers? (the Kamiyas freeze in place)
Kari: Um, nowhere, there was just a really big one over here that we were shooing out the door.
SB: Well, as long as you weren?t trying to escape. You know, we Tokos are very light sleepers. And one of us is always awake.

BEACH CAMP
Izzy: Davis, go sleep outside.
Davis: Why?? There?s tons of room in here now, with just us, especially since Matt?s not here to keep me out of the hut.
Izzy: Because somebody has to watch for bears, and as the less valuable one, that noble task falls to you.
Davis: Wait a minute, I just realized we?re?we?re just two people alone in the woods! What am I supposed to do if I see a bear?
Izzy: Stare him down first. If that doesn?t work, make threatening gestures.
Davis: Jesters? What?
Izzy: GESTURES?wave your hands and roar to scare him off. If that doesn?t work, then run away. Bears have memories even worse than yours. Once he can?t see you, he?ll forget that you were ever there.
Davis: But what if ? Izzy? (Izzy has blocked up the entrance behind him) HEY! *bangs on pile of wood* Fine. I hope lightning hits your wooden door and starts on fire.

CAMP SNOWFLAKE, NEXT MORNING
*sound of Toko Copter approaching*
IL: Hi everybody! We know how much you enjoy your little nature walks?so everybody follow Mulder up this trail. We?re going to climb a little hill, where the final tribal council will take place. Each of you will have the opportunity to ask a question, or if you prefer, just say what?s on your mind to Izzy and Davis. You can start thinking on the way up.
Tai: Why can?t we just ride with you?
Matt: Do you want to spend more time with the Tokos?
TK: I do! (Toko Copter flies off)
Tai (to Kari): Hey, maybe we can just slip away if we?re at the end.
Kari: Because that worked so well last night?
Rod: I?M going last, to ensure that THAT doesn?t happen.

BEACH CAMP
Mat: Hi, Izzy and Davis! Did you sleep well?
Davis: *glares*
IL: Since you?re the champions, you have the special honor of flying with us to the final tribal council. You?ll have plenty of time to compose something to say to convince everyone why YOU should be the winner.
Davis: We have to give a speech?! No one told me there would be speech-giving involved!
Izzy: I don?t think they?ll expect much ? from you, anyway.

TOP OF SMALL MOUNTAIN
~*2 hours later*~
Davis: Where ARE they?
Matt: I hear the sound of stupidity! We must be there! *emerges from the bush, looking exhausted, followed by everyone else*
Nat: What took you so long?
IL: Yeah, it was only supposed to be a 1.5 hour hike.
Matt: Well, somebody got us lost.
Mulder: It?s not my fault the sign was unclear!
Matt: The arrow was bent a little, and that prevented you from telling the difference between the dirt path continuing through the trees, and the loose and slippery rocks that ended at a cliff edge??
Davis: Wait a minute, you said there were no cliffs on this island.
IL: Nevertheless, it?s time to begin the final tribal council?
Davis: Hey, what do we get if we win, anyway?
Nat: 100 grand.
IL: Izzy, why don?t you go first?
Izzy: Hi guys. I really don?t have a reason that you should vote for me, I just want you all to think about what might happen to you if you don?t. Also, think about the horrible shame you would feel if you all lost to DAVIS.
Matt: He makes a good point.
Izzy: I was going to give a long and eloquent speech, but it would be wasted on your tiny minds, so I?ll just hand it over to Davis.
Davis: OK, first, if you give $100,000 to Izzy, he?ll use it to make huge evil robots that destroy Japan or something. Second, you guys are always saying how dumb I am, but I made it this far all on my own. I had to win like three immunity challenges in a row, which I did. Plus, if I win, I?ll buy you guys really big presents. Like Kari, for example, I could buy a diamond ring?well, maybe not for a few years. But you get the idea.
Matt: Could you buy a private island on which you and Jun could live indefinitely? Something like Alcatraz? ?or Alcatraz itself?
IL: OK, Matt asked his question. Next?
Matt: No, I?OK, fine, but I get to ask Izzy a question too. Izzy, what would you do with the money?
Izzy: Help the homeless orphan children, of course.
Sora: Ohhh, how sweet!
Matt: *suspiciously* Help them how?
Sora: Shut up, Matt.
IL: Sora, would you like to go next?
Sora: Certainly. I just want to congratulate Izzy on his humanitarian efforts. And my question for Davis is, what is your favorite vegetable and why?
Davis: I like potatoes, because they taste so good with butter on them/
Sora: *gasp* You?you plant killer! I thought you would pick a pretty vegetable, or one that smelled nice?why do you eat poor defenseless plants?
IL: I?m sorry, you only get to ask one question or make one comment. So, who?s next?
Tai: I?ll go. Davis, what kind of present would you buy me if I voted for you?
Davis: A comb and hair gel.
Tai: Cool, how about you, Izzy? Will you do anything for me if I vote for you?
Izzy: I?ll make Davis give back everything he ever stole from you.
Tai: *eyes wide* Like my goggles?
Izzy: *nods*
Tai: And my??
Izzy: *nods again*
Tai: Wahoo!
Cody: I would like to congratulate you both on your success. Only the most worthy could have been chosen by the Holy One to reach the end. Good job! That?s all.
Davis: Yeah, I figured praying wouldn?t hurt my chances. Plus you get punched a lot less than me, so I thought if I acted like you, maybe I?d get punched less too.
Izzy: Oh, please, science has already proven there?s no such thing as God, in any form. Well, my science has.
Cody: *gasps and falls over twitching*
Mimi: I have a question. Which do you find more attractive in a girl: loose, flowing curls, or a fancy gathered updo?
Davis: Curls. I wouldn?t want her hair to be taller than mine.
Izzy: Sure, curls, whatever.
Mimi: Thank you.
Sora: *whispers* How does that help you decide who to vote for?
Mimi: *surprised* Huh? I was just trying to decide how to fix my hair next week.
Kari: Here?s a question: If you weren?t up there, then who would you choose to take your place in the final two?
Davis: Why, Kari, I?d pick YOU, of course.
Izzy: Well, since I?m a very ethical person?
Ken: *snorts*
Izzy: I?d say Matt, because after all, he DID almost make it here on his own.
Jun: How sweet!
Ken: Well, I guess now that the game is over I can go back to supporting the smart guy again. Davis, you?re a squirmy little weasel who doesn?t deserve to be there. Izzy, on the other hand?I have some really interesting plans for two evil geniuses to work on. *gives him a thumbs-up*
Davis: Huh? But last night, Izzy was talking about how dumb you were and how you didn?t know anything and?*gets kicked*
Yolei: You know what I had to do, with all the hours I was at Camp Snowflake? It was torture. So why don?t you tell me what you think could possibly be the worst thing about caring for Tokomons, and see if it?s worse than what I went through.
Davis: Did you have to make them dinner by hand, or something? Or pet them?
Yolei: HAH! Izzy?
Izzy: Let me put it this way: have you ever had to walk around an amusement park with one sitting on your head?
Yolei: Wow?*sits back down*
Ken: You consider that worse than the giant fish costume?
IL: Next!
TK: I don?t have a question for Izzy. He?s done his stupid evil-genius thing again, which I hate, because he always wins and never thinks of anyone else. On the other hand, Davis is always trying to steal Kari and that?s very annoying. But I need to pick one of them?never mind, I do have a question. What?s the worst possible punishment you can think of for IL and Nat?
Tai: Hey, we already did this.
Izzy: Pipe down.
Davis: Boil them in oil! Wait, actually, make them hike up a really steep hill, go through an obstacle course, jump into the lake, and swim to an island.
Then boil them in oil.
Izzy: First and foremost, remove their pet Tokos ? into YOUR care.
TK: Yay!
Izzy: Then, as it?s obvious they both drink excessively and have a drug problem, we put them into a rehab clinic in which they must address the people they?ve hurt through these problems, and talk about and share things like their ?feelings??after which they will complete an excessively long obstacle course and receive electroshock treatment as part of their therapy. We, of course, will be in charge of this rehab clinic.
TK: OK, my mind?s made up.
Martin: ?well, I was going to ask which one of you felt he was the nicer person, but I don?t think that will be necessary.
Joe: Here?s my question: which of you can protect me the best against the person I don?t vote for?
(Davis points to Izzy, Izzy raises his hand)
Joe: Thank you.
Jun: I think my mind is already made up?but Matt, who would you vote for?
Matt: *shudders as he answers* Davis.
Jun: OK, now my mind?s made up.
Izzy: Hey! She?s supposed to ask US the questions!
Nat: Overruled. We said each person gets a question, so she can ask whoever she wants.
IL: Well, that?s all for the questions, comments and rude remarks. It?s time to submit your final, very important vote. Remember, this time you write the name of the person you want to WIN, not vote off.
Matt: *rubs hands together* Let?s do it!
------
Nat: Now that everyone has voted, let?s count the votes!
Vote 1: Davis

IL: Vote 2: Izzy
Nat : Vote 3: Davis
IL : Vote 4: Izzy
Izzy: What did you two do, split the votes in half?
Nat: *ignores him* Vote 5: Davis
IL: Vote 6: Izzy
Nat: Vote 7: Davis
IL: Vote 8: Izzy
Davis: What if it?s a perfect tie?
Nat: *ignores him*
Vote 9: Izzy
IL: Vote 10: Izzy
Nat: Now we?ll be taking a brief commercial break to thank our sponsor, A & W Cream Soda! It?s the sweetest, creamiest soda on the market!
Matt: Get on with it.
IL: A supply of this delicious beverage will go to the winner along with the hundred grand.
Nat: And now back to our regularly scheduled voting. Vote 11: Davis
Izzy: Seriously, what do we do in case of a tie, besides cause horrible pain to those who voted for Davis?
IL: Doesn?t matter because vote 12 is for DAVIS!! (balloons rain down from the Toko Copter hatch along with a sign)

CONGRATULATIONS!
ALL HAIL THE ESTEEMED AND VERY INTELLIGENT DAVIS
WINNER OF DIGI-SURVIVOR

Davis: WOOHOO! WOOOOO! I BEAT IZZY! I?m a genius! I?m -- *gets tackled*
Ken: Intelligence has been overthrown! The world is coming to an end!
Davis: Oof. Hey Matt, have you kissed Jun lately?
Jun: Ooh, no, it?s been ages! *smooch*
Matt: (in despair) Why did I vote for him??
Izzy: *finishes beating Davis up* One down, five to go. Who?s next?
IL: Hey, hey, slow down. If you don?t calm down, you won?t get your consolation prize. *hands him a 100 Grand candy bar*
Davis: Haha! You got a lousy candy bar! I can buy 100,000 candy bars! Look, IL?s giving me one right now.
IL: Here you are, first prize. A hundred grand (bar).
Davis: WHAT? You said I got a hundred gr?shoot. Anyway, that?s not fair, Izzy got the same thing I did.
Nat: Not true, yours also comes with a supply of cream soda. Here you are: one can.
Davis: This is an outrage! Liars!
IL: We didn?t lie a bit, you just made assumptions.
Nat: Well folks, I can?t believe it, but Digi Survivor has finally come to a close.
Rod: What do we do when a show is?over?
IL: First, we take pity on the starving masses and give them turkey sandwiches. Fresh water would probably be nice too.
Matt: It must be poison! Tai, you try it first ? oh. *sees Tai has already eaten 3*
Nat: We only made 15 of those, you know.
Tai: Well, Davis doesn?t need one; he has a meal already.
Matt: And he had one earlier, too. All that pizza?glutton.
Sora: Says the pizza-buying radio station escapee.
IL: Next, we have to leave the island as creatively as we came. Therefore, you have two choices ? you can either hang on rope ladders below the Toko Copter, or be tied to inner tubes and be towed by racing speedboats. Completely up to you.
Ken: Wait a minute. We haven?t discussed one very important question: How on earth did Davis beat us all?
Yolei: Good question. I never dreamed he would win.
Sora: Figures. Everyone else was too busy sabotaging and making and breaking alliances.
Tai: *sniffs* But now I can?t get my goggles back, or my?
Davis: I didn?t steal your goggles, and I certainly didn?t steal your?
Tai: You did too! And I want everything back!
Davis: *shrugs* I can?t give back what I didn?t take, so there. Hey, Kari, will you go out with me?
Kari: Fat chance.
Davis: Does that mean I have a good chance?
Kari: No.
Davis: But I?m a Survivor champion now ? doesn?t that make you think I?m super macho? *strikes a muscle pose*
Kari: Davis, those are the puniest muscles I?ve ever seen.
SB: Hurry up! We?ve only got 5 tubes. Or ladders. Whichever is more popular.
SF: The first five people I bite go on ladders! *bites Tai, Matt, Jun, TK and Kari* OK, let?s go! Fluffy and I have a reconciliation dinner at 7 tonight and I don?t want to miss it.
PT: NO, don?t get back together! I like living with you and not dealing with all those baby Toko brats.
SF: I said, let?s go.
IL: Say farewell to the island, everyone?it?s back to the radio station with you.
Matt: Can we just stay on the island indefinitely?
IL: Not if you want these plane tickets to Japan for tonight?s flight.
Tai: AHH! GET THE TICKETS! *everyone runs after either Rod or Mulder, jumping onto ladders and into tubes*
----
Davis: WAAUGH! This is scaaaary?(as he gets splashed with huge waves) Mulder, are you sure you know how to drive a boat that?s towing passengers?
Mulder: Was that the signal to go faster? *speeds up*
~*5 minutes later*~
Davis: That was scary. *climbs shakily out of the tube*
Joe: It wasn?t as bad as on the way TO the island. And it was better than that. *points to the Toko Copter*
(It hovers to let off its ladder passengers, then lands)
Tai: That was actually kind of cool.
Kari: But all the wind messed up my hair.
Davis: You still look pretty to me.
Kari: Yuck, you?re sopping wet. Don?t come near me.
IL: Well, time to get back in the bus! Now?Rod, where did you park that thing, exactly?
Rod: It was right over there, behind those bushes and over that patch of wildflowers.
Mulder: What?s this yellow piece of paper?
Nat: Let me see: ?Notice: Your vehicle has been towed. Reason: Parked illegally, blocking the natural light source of the rare pink ladyslipper, the Minnesota state flower. Have a nice day.?
IL: ROD! How could you?!
Rod: It wasn?t my fault.
IL: That?s it. We?re catching taxis, and the fare is coming out of your paycheck.
Rod: No fair!
Mulder: He gets a PAYCHECK? I get like two bucks cash a week.
Nat: Exactly, so you don?t have to pay taxes on it.
Mulder: I don?t even make enough money to be taxed on it.
Nat: What?s the problem then?
IL: *dialing a number* Hi, we need 5 taxis to do a quick delivery from Virginia, MN, to the Minneapolis International airport?what do you mean, ?local trips only?? Well, how much would it take to convince you otherwise? ?what do you mean, ?more than I?ll pay?? I have plenty of money. How does $2000 sound? *pause* Thought so. See you soon!
Rod: *sputters* But that?s 2/3 of my paycheck! For the YEAR!
Yolei: I thought only 3 people could fit in a taxi, and there are 18 of us counting you guys.
Nat: Well, the Tokos will fly the Toko Copter?and Rod and Mulder have to go get the houseboat, the speedboats, the ATV, the motorcycle, the jet skis, the beach chairs?it might take a few trips.
Rod: Why do I have to pay for the taxis if I can?t even ride in them?
IL: Because you cost us our bus. Don?t you ever listen? Anyway, here are the seating arrangements.

Davis/TK/Kari
Matt/Jun/Tai
Mimi/Sora/Yolei
Izzy/Ken/IL
Joe/Cody/Nat

Martin: What about me?
Nat: You should call for a ride home, unless you want to go visit Japan for a while.
Martin: I can?t tell my parents I?m stranded 300 miles from home! They?ll kill me!
IL: Fine, then Snowflake can fly you home.
Martin: OK, I guess.
SF: You look strong. You can hang onto the ladder for a couple of hours, right?
Martin: WHAT?
SB: He?s just kidding.
PT: Yeah, you can ride inside. It is kind of a long trip. *pulls him up*
SF: *beaming* Hey, Martin, remember all those activities from the Chore Wheel you never got to finish?? (Martin yells for help just as P.T. slams and locks the hatch and flies off.)
Tai: Now, when you say Japan, do you mean that you?ve somehow managed to have the radio station declared a Japanese embassy?
Nat: He?s starting to recognize our tricks.
IL: Which is why we need some time off to think up new ones ? believe it or not, we?re sending you home for a while.
Kari: Don?t believe them until we?re back in our apartment.
Yolei: Anyone know if Japan has a federal witness protection program?
Sora: I think you have to witness a crime, and prove you?re in danger of being murdered, for that to work.
Joe: Did you see how many times I almost died in their care??
TK: Yeah, talk about child abuse/endangerment?

~*Later*~
Nat: The taxis are here. Time to go.
Tai: Hey, Matt! This cab driver?s name is Mario!
Matt: So?
Tai: ?he says he?s your biggest fan!
Matt: AHHH! *tries to run, but gets pushed into the car by Jun*
Jun: Matt, it?ll be fun! We can talk about you all the way home, and swap our fondest memories!
Izzy: Hey, Ken, on the ride back you can tell me all about those great inventions of yours.
Ken: OK. The first one is a mind-warping?bunion peeler.
Izzy: What?!
Ken: It will be very useful. Think about how many people?s brains we will be able to control after they use them.
Izzy: That still sounds kind of dumb to me. Did Camp Snowflake warp YOUR mind?
IL: Pipe down. I demand absolute quiet on the way back.
Ken: I can?t believe you actually came with us.
IL: Of course ? how did you THINK I was getting home?
Cody: Who is Nat riding with then?
Nat: You and Joe.
Joe: *pales* Oh.
Nat: Oh, don?t worry, we can play road games the whole way back to pass the time.
Sora: We shouldn?t take so many taxis. Cars are bad for the environment. We?re killing so many plants this way.
Mimi: She?s not going to be like this the whole way back, is she?
Yolei: It wouldn?t be so bad as long as we get snacks.
Mimi: Snacks? I haven?t even finished my sandwich from earlier.
Nat: No snacks.
Yolei: Then give me that. *swipes the sandwich*
IL: Is everybody set to go?
Davis: No! Kari won?t sit next to me. Kari, just sit in the middle!
Kari: No way. TK?s sitting in the middle. I want a window, and I don?t want to sit by you.
IL: TK, sit in the middle.
TK: Can?t we just tie Davis to the hood?
IL: Do we have to put Pikachus in there with you?
Davis/TK/Kari: No.
Nat: Well, as long as everybody?s set to go?let?s drive.

~*3 hours later, everyone gets out*~
Joe: Ahh, that was the most relaxing part of this whole trip. I haven?t gotten that much rest in a really long time.
Cody: But I was explaining the historical progression of the copyright! Don?t tell me you slept through it.
Cab Driver: I think you owe me extra for putting up with that babble.
Davis: *rubbing shoulder* TK punched me 47 times!
TK: That?s because we were playing Punch Buggy, duh.
Davis: Only I never saw any horses and buggies, just these funny-shaped little cars.
Matt: Jun and ?Mario? here talked about every embarrassing detail of my life to date. I no longer have even a semblance of a private life.
Tai: They were good stories, too. *grins* I?ll keep them in confidence, of course?for a price?
Matt: *grabs him by the collar* How about the price of ?I won?t punch you??
Tai: Sounds fair.
Sora: Wait a minute?it looks like we?re actually... at the airport?
Tai: They were serious?
Kari: I told you, don?t trust them yet.
IL: You really have no faith in us, do you? Yes, this is the airport, and your flight is leaving in thirty minutes. Let?s get one last photo together, and you?ll be on your way.
(Everyone squishes together while Mario takes a picture)
Mario: ?Ey, Mattsy! Can I have a little photo, just you and me?
Matt: Hell no!
TK: Why?s HE calling you Mattsy? Is that how you want to be referred to from now on?Mattsy?
Matt: You know, TK, once we get home, you?re going to be the only one around for me to punch?and you know how often I usually punch people?
IL: Oh, I almost forgot. Before you get on the plane, two things. One, if you want a copy of this picture, put your address on one of these brown envelopes. Two, complete step one if you would like to get back everything we?ve confiscated from you since before Valleyfair.
Joe: For some reason, I don?t feel comfortable with IL and Nat knowing where I live?but I really do want my first-aid kit back.
(Nat collects 13 envelopes as Rod and Mulder drive up, towing small carts filled to the brim with random items)
Rod: *tossing stuff out* Let?s see?crayons, crayons, Kendo stick (Cody vaults forward and seizes it), crayons, whip, camera, goggles (Tai lets out a strangled yelp and grabs them), some random notebook, lighter, guitar, rainbow-colored yoyo, clarinet?whoops?and some tattered rags?
Jun: My shirt!! Hey, Mario, want to sign it?
Mulder: Here?s the unclaimed pile?
Davis: Ewww, whose thong is this?
Rod: Oh, that?s Matt?s.
Matt: WHAT? It most certainly is NOT.
Rod: *peers at tag* Property of Matt ?I?m not gay? Ishida.
Matt: I swear it?s not mine!
TK: So it belongs to some other ?Matt ?I?m not gay? Ishida??
Matt: It must.
Izzy: Ahem. Where is my computer?
Mulder: At the bottom of Piranha Lake. Didn?t you see me drop it?
Izzy: And you didn?t go get it? I could have fixed it.
Mulder: It?s been my experience that computers don?t work so well after being submerged in water.
Ken: ?Your experience,? huh?
Mulder: There might have been an incident one time at Scully?s apartment. She thinks the aliens took it, but really?
Izzy: You held my computer hostage the whole show. You promised I could have it back at the end. And then you just threw it away, like garbage?
Mulder: It?s not a bit like garbage. In the lake, at least it?ll be clean.
Tai: Hey, where are my?um?
IL: We only promised to give back things we have confiscated ? not other people.
TK: If that?s the case, then will you please return my Tokomon?
Kari: What about Gatomon?
Nat: Your Digimon don?t count as ?things;? they?re sentient living beings and as such are not anyone?s property.
Kari: *suspiciously* Where exactly is Gatomon?

[Cut to: Gatomon in the radio station basement, marking out army formation diagrams (with 13 dots, labeled "kids," in the center) on a chalkboard, while massive numbers of Fluffykittymons watch in rapt attention]

IL: Don?t worry, I have a feeling you?ll see her again.
(Meanwhile, Tai has jumped on Davis and started beating him up. As they roll around, Davis trying to punch Tai, his hand sinks into Tai's hair and comes out with...)
Davis: Looking for these?
Tai: Give those to me!! *grabs them and stuffs them in his pocket*
Matt: Tai, I do not even want to know why your underwear was in your hair. I seriously don't.
Rod: I do! Let's set up an interview date.
Tai: "Interview" and "date with a guy" are two separate horrors I never want to think about again, much less COMBINE.
Sora: Ew, why would you want to know a thing like that anyway?
Rod: I'm writing a book, called "Secrets of the Radio Stars," to earn a little cash on the side. Tai, I could help vanquish some of those "rumors" with which IL has attempted to ruin your life.
IL: What?!
Rod: I'll teach YOU to give away my paycheck.
IL: You traitor! That's it, we're broken up.
TK: Wait, you guys were dating? Since when? This whole time?
IL: *narrows eyes* No.
PT: *bouncing around Nat's ankles* Pay up!
Nat: *scowls and counts out bills* How much money have you won this week, anyway?
PT: Enough to bribe a waiter to ruin Mom and Pop's little "reconcilation dinner," thus ensuring that I never have to babysit again.
IL: Now, Rod, about this book...if you examine your contract, you will find that it not only doesn't expire for another year, but also that it prevents you from doing any freelance work in the meantime. Now, since you are still a N.A.I.L.S. employee, get back to work. And you can forget about me going easy on you anymore!
Rod: Fine! I have a hot date tonight anyway!
IL: Actually, you might want to check clause 16 first.
Nat: Hold on, where are the kids?
Kari's Distant Voice (disappearing around the corner): CRAP! They remembered! RUN FASTER YOU IDIOTS!
Mulder: I don't have to go chasing after them, do I?
IL: Nah. I've had enough of children for a while, and it was time for them to board the plane anyway.
Nat: I wonder how long it will take them to find out that we attached an international terrorits red flag to Izzy's file, though?
SF: Probably not as long as it takes YOU two to conclusively finish a show. *turns towards the camera* And now, as we prepare to bid you adieu, I give you, once more, your hosts:
IL: Interview Lady!
Nat: Natalie!
Rod: Ro - *gets smacked out of the frame by IL*
SF: And me, Snowflake, Monsieur le Director of Camp Snowflake. Now enrolling for next summer! Applicants with previous Interview Lady experience preferred. Don't worry, there's still plenty of time to get on the show. Call now! And with that, dear audience, we say...good night, and good luck, and shut up, Cody.

---

3/11/06: It's my brother's 14th birthday. But more importantly, I declare this story...COMPLETE.

THE END.
Margin notes, thank-yous, and statistics to follow.