How Do I Know I Need Help?
Perhaps your partner has walked out on you; perhaps your grades
at school or uni weren't as high as you'd expected - or needed;
perhaps you had the dream job, the dream employer - and a small
mistake has cost you both; perhaps someone in your circle has been
unkind to you; or perhaps the entire universe seems to be crashing
to earth around you, and no matter which way you turn, there seems
no way out.This is when you need to talk to someone, not when things
get so bad there really IS no way out.Don't wait for things to improve
- or to get worse. Talk to someone you trust - now.
Don't hold it all inside in the hope that all will seem different in the next minute or hour or day, because in your case, it's far more likely the problem will grow bigger as each moment passes. That setback or problem (whichever you choose to call it) will keep nagging away at your consciousness, appearing to grow larger until, sick of platitudes like 'things will improve' or 'tomorrow will be better,' you slam your fists on the table, scream in anger and frustration, and run - in tears - to the seclusion of your room, where you lock the door and withdraw into that 'non-communicative' phase.
Remember that you're afflicted with acquired brain damage or one of the numerous psychiatric illnesses out there, and you are simply not able to cope with the problem as a psychologically-well person would; you can't put the problem aside and turn your attention to something else, because your mind simply will not let you . it doesn't know how. Try to keep in mind that you're not well, and it's not your fault; it's like the flu in this sense: you didn't go out and 'catch' it deliberately, but you have to live with it just the same.
And for the helper, the one who cares enough to want to try to keep the person who's hurting on an even keel: remember that they're not like the greater percentage of the earth's population - they can't cope with the problem by themselves, even in the face of cold, hard reasoning. They do not have that capability. If they reach the 'seclusion' phase of their problem, they will not unlock the door or talk about what's troubling them; they need to be reached before that stage arrives. And they don't want to be treated like a child either. They need more than a pat on the head and "there, there, we'll fix all those nasty things that are happening to you." Don't talk down to them - try to converse with them on an age-specific basis: if the person in this situation is an adult, then talk to them as you would any other adult...but calmly, empathetically, patiently. Show your concern - in a controlled manner; but if what they need is someone to cry with them, then do so, if that's what it takes - nobody ever died from crying. True, one or two unsympathetic types may sneer or laugh at you; but these people have never been through what the other person has. They don't understand and, in a lot of cases, they simply don't want to understand. And if this is the type of person they are, then they're quite honestly of no help at all.
Empathy, concern, understanding, and love - that's what it takes to help the one in need. And of these, love is the greatest, because it's love that will help you find the best and most appropriate way to get them through their crisis, and to keep on trying - time after time.
The following are some brief but oh! so very important tips on how to approach the patient (sufferer) and their psychological problem; how to talk to them; how to live with them in the most comforting and harmonious way; how to comfort them and help them through a crisis; and never doubt there will be a crisis:
- Ask how you can help - make suggestions if necessary, but above all, listen;
- Give them time - If you can't physically be with them, then an email, text or simple phone-call will let them know you're thinking of them, and you're there for them;
- Try to be open-minded and non-judgmental -listen carefully to what they say; agree when you can, disagree - but gently - when you must;
- Make a crisis plan and encourage them to stick to it - such a simple thing, but so very important; what they need in their lives is simple, uncomplicated routines;
- Remember you are not to blame - they may make hurtful statements or seem to take offence; but keep your patience, and continue to listen, and to suggest;
- Be Patient - give them time to figure out what they want to say, to do, about the situation;
- Try to avoid cliches - these may be what they expect to hear; but take it from me - they don't want to hear them;
- Ask how they are - they may not tell you, for a short while; but it is the question they want to hear;
- Don't just ask questions about mental health - remember, there's a whole person sitting or standing there; treat them as such;
- Encourage them to do things - the smallest action, the most unimportant decision can, at a time like this, seem like a major victory to them;
- Don't neglect your own needs - remember they need you well, and attentive, and present; your own health and immediate needs are just as important to their well-being as anything else, especially in the face of a crisis.
The above 'Tips for Carers' downloaded from 'https://www.sane.org/families-carers' 28 March, 2016.
When that crisis comes, be ready for it.
And believe me, from one who knows, there will be a crisis.
Help for Carers
The link below will take you to the
Australian Government's line for carers.
