PERHAPS I HAVE NOT REMEMBERED MY LOVE AS WELL AS I SHOULD HAVE. IT IS NOT EASY TO STAY HAPPY LIVING ON MEMORIES ALONE.
I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. I don't know what I want. I don't even know what is it I've got going in my head. I only know that something is hugely missing in ME. Something huge. It's probably my sanity.
I feel trapped in this lousy reality. Geez.. I've probably turned myself into a freak of some sort. If only my hand could express what is in my heart.
I hate this lousy reality, dearie. I JUST HATE IT SO much. It makes me feel trapped, makes me feel so useless, helpless. I hate this life I'm living. Sometimes, I wish I could just go away. Far away, from everyone, from everything.
And never have to look back.
I folded the letter, put it in the envelope with his name on it, and then left it on the his desk on my way out. I took one last look at him before walking out the door.
"Sweet dreams, dearie. See ya."
And I thought that was gonna be the last time I would ever see him. I was wrong. The next day, he showed up at the airport, so much to my surprise.
"Dylan! What are you doing here?"
"What am I doing here? What the heck are you thinking, leaving without saying goodbye?" he shook his head, then continued, "no, what are you thinking, leaving me?!"
He was almost shouting. I looked at him and smiled.
"I am not leaving you, Dyl. It's not you, it's me."
"And I don't matter to you anymore, is it?"
"Of course you do, sweetheart." I was trying hard to keep the bitter smile on my face. "But I suppose you've read the letter?"
He nodded. But I could tell that wasn't the answer he wanted to hear. I sighed and looked at my watch. I had about five minutes before boarding. I looked at him again.
"Look, Dyl. I don't know how to say this to you. But I really should go."
"But why?" the look was still there, on his face. Suddenly I felt so guilty. I thought to myself, "He deserves an explanation, does he not?" But I knew I couldn't possibly do that without missing the plane. So I said the next best thing.
"Look, dearie. As soon as I get there, I'll write you. Even better, I'll write you on the plane and I'll mail it as soon as I get off, okay?" I looked at my watch again to indicate that time was running out. He sighed.
"I suppose I'll just have to take your words for it, huh? Nothing that I could do or say would make you change your mind and stay?" there was that look again. I felt tears filling my eyes. I shook my head quickly.
"I'm afraid not, sweetheart. But I give you my word, and you know I would never turn back on it. I'll write you the longest letter you'll ever gonna read." And I smiled. He looked at me, still not smiling. Then he stepped forward and hugged me. I almost cried. I hugged him back and then looked at my watch again.
"I have to go now. You take care now, okay, sweet thing. I'll miss you." He smiled at me. Finally.
"I'm gonna miss you too" he replied.
Then he kissed me on my forehead. That was when I heard it. It was a whisper, so my first thought was that I must've heard it wrong. But slowly the realization sank in. No, I did not hear him wrong. He really said it. I was confused and I had the sudden impulse to hug him and tell him that I am going to stay. Instead I pulled away from him, looked him in the eyes with all the confusion in the world and turned around, walking away as slowly as possible. He just stood there, watching me.
I felt guilty, confused and happy at the same time. It was as if time had stopped for a while. There was a moment of silence, so overwhelming I could hear my heart beating with each step I took. I had the urge to turn around and run back to him. I turned around, but instead of running towards him, I only smiled and turned back. I couldn't wave him goodbye, afraid I might just broke down and cry. Afraid to show him how much his word had touched me. I was confused. I believed him then, I believed he said what he did. But why didn't I turn back? I never came up with the answer. On the plane, I kept hearing his voice, whispering to me. The words I'd wanted to hear so much. I felt tears filling my eyes.
I closed my eyes and cried silently. I saw him again, standing so close to me. Kissing my forehead and whispered "I love you".
It was at a computer store when we first met, about two and a half years ago. I was there with my best friend, Ally. Her boyfriend worked there, so we went there because she wanted to meet Bryan; which also happened to be a friend of mine. I left Ally with Bryan after saying hi to him and went browsing. I was at the games section when Ally suddenly appeared beside me, pulling my hand.
"Wow, what's with this?" I asked her, a little annoyed.
"I want you to meet someone."
"Who? And what's so special about this someone you have to jerk me away?"
"Geez.. Lil, since when are you more interested in computer games than a cute, nice and most importantly, available guy?" she gave me a devilish grin. I just shrugged.
I couldn't get mad at her for saying that. After all, I must admit, I was a bit of a player. I could go out on a hundred of dates a week, but never a steady relationship. I was never one to stick to just one guy, I couldn't bring myself to it. My reason? Simple, I never fell in love with any of them. I didn't know what was it I really wanted in a guy. And I didn't know just where exactly was it my luck lied. My friends would say I was cute, but I was actually a really disturbed girl inside, the word cute didn't appeal to me much. Truth was, I could be a royal pain in the neck at times. I was also pretty ignorant in some ways. But I love men, so that could probably be my main attraction. I knew how to be around them, made them comfortable being around me. And you can't blame me for being so friendly. But I am just human.
"You're going to like him, I assure you" Ally still got the smile on her face.
"Is something bothering you, Lil? You haven't said a word to me since we got in here."
"No. Nothing's bothering me. I am just not in the mood. Really."
My mind must've wondered somewhere else, because I didn't see him coming. I wasn't aware of his presence until he spoke.
"Oh, hi Ally. How are you?"
I looked up. There he was, standing in front of us. And I don't know how, or why, but I was so conscious of his presence it made me speechless. For a while, I just stood there, looking at him talking to Ally. And then Ally nudged me and said, "This is Lilian, my best friend. I told you about her before." He turned towards me and held his right hand out.
"Hello, Lilian. I'm Dylan. Nice meeting you."
I took his hand and smiled.
"Nice meeting you too, Dylan. You can just call me Lil."
"Bryan's waiting for me. I'll leave you two alone." Ally winked at me before turning around and left. Somehow, miraculously, I turned back into my friendly self.
"Have you watched 'An Autumn In New York'?" I didn't know why I'd asked that, of all the questions in the world. But he didn't seem to be bothered. Still smiling, he replied, "Yeah. But I didn't finish it though. How did it end?"
"Well, you must've guessedit. Wynona died, I mean, the character."
"Hmm... I thought so too. Depressing, I don't like that kind of ending."
"But it was a good movie, don't you think?"
"Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do."
And we started to talk about other movies. I ended up asking what his favourite movie was.
"It's 'The Crow'. The one with Brandon Lee in it."
"I like that one. Nice story, nice songs."
"Indeed. What's yours?"
"Hold on. Let me think."
"Tik.. tok.. tik.. tok.."
"Hey! Don't do that, I can't think." He laughed. That must be it. I think it was his laugh that made me fell for him in the first place, or was it his attitude? I couldn't tell. But I started to really like him at that very moment.
"Earth to Lilian, I'm still waiting."
"Oh, rite, sorry. Hmm, I think it's the 'Children of The Corn'. I don't remember it that well, though. I was just about five, or six back then."
"It's okay. I heard of it. But I never watched it. Maybe I should try."
"Yeah, maybe you should." He smiled. I was thinking again, was it that smile?
We talked again for a while, and then Ally showed up with Bryan. We had to leave.
"Well, nice meeting you again, Dylan. Sorry I have to split. I guess I'll see you around" he smiled and said, "Not if I see you first." I said goodbye and we left.
We didn't exchange any phone numbers or addresses, for that matter. I didn't know if I would see him again, but I was hoping I would. There was something about him that really attracted me. Something oddly interesting. He was different, somehow. I kept thinking about him and I couldn't stop. Because I didn't see him again until three weeks after that.
"Is it one of your hobbies?"
I looked up to find Dylan standing in front of me. I put the book I was holding back in the shelf and moved towards another. I turned around to face him, and had just realized how tall he was.
"Are you real?" he laughed. That laugh again.
"I told you I'll see you first."
"Not exactly" I rolled my eyes. He smiled. I was thinking about how georgeous his smile was. How cute and how charming he was. He shrugged.
"Whatever. So, is it one of your hobbies or what?"
"I was just browsing. It's one of life's simplest pleasure men could never indulge in."
"Don't be so sure now."
"Well, would you have enjoyed it?"
He laughed again. "No, I guess not." He came towards me and picked up a book. It was one of the SVU series. "You actually read this?" he made a face.
I nodded and said, "Another one of life's.."
"..life's simplest pleasure bla.. bla.. bla.. I know. But really, what's so interesting about it?"
"Hey, I am just an ordinary girl, leading an ordinary life. Enjoying simple nice things life has to offer. It's not a crime."
"Didn't say it is."
"Well, nobody's asking you to read that."
He put the book down and moved towards another shelf. He picked up a book. I didn't bother to find out about it. I thought he was going to say something. Instead, he started to read the synopsis at the back of the book, so I left him and went to the 'Teenage Section'. I was trying to decide which book to buy when he suddenly appeared beside me with another book in his hand. I looked at it. "The Boy Who Started A War". I looked at him and said, "You're far too young to be so serious."
"Well, nobody's asking you to read it."
"Oh, thanks for pointing it out, Mr Sarcasm."
He didn't say anything. I wondered if he had just ran into an old girlfriend or something. He got quite a cloudy look on his face, like something was bothering him. I decided it would be better to keep quiet. Then he put the book down and took the one I was holding from my hand. He walked over to the counter.
"Hey.." I followed him.
"Let's go have a drink. My treat, hmm?"
He put the book on the counter and, before I could say anything, paid for it. He picked the book up from the counter and handed it over to me.
I took it and said, "Dylan, don't tell me you're going to die tomorrow" he laughed.
"Now you don't have a reason to say no to a drink." He winked and smiled at me.
I started to fish out some cash from my purse when he stopped me. "I'll throw it away, so better not." It was the way he said it that made me stopped. There was an air of certainty around him. "The man of his words" my grandmother would say.
So we went to have a drink and talked about almost everything. Everything, that was, but personal things. It wasn't that we were avoiding it, it just didn't came up. It was as if we had known each other for years. I didn't even ask what his last name was. Talking to him was so easy. It was something about the way he talked, that would make you forget that he could be a stranger. He was somehow unpredictable, yet comfortable to hang around with. Laid back, yet fun. Things, I never found in a man before.
So when he started to call me Lil, instead of Lilian, I knew I was falling for him. And I was falling hard.