A comedy set at Gasforth Police Station, and starring:



While Constable Goody is modelling a new police uniform for Inspector Fowler, Detective Grim calls the men out on a police drugs raid, during which Goody is still wearing the police uniform he is modelling...and it isn't yet registered! Grim is so determined to throw the book at Harry the Spike, that he plants some drugs beside the cooker in his house, in absence of Fowlers's knowledge. Fowler meanwhile, is helping to prepare Goody for when he gives evidence, pretending to be the judge, and to help Goody see him as such, wears a mop on his head, which he evens forgets he is wearing when he goes to greet the brief for the court case. He soon, however, discovers that Grim had planted the drugs, and, not willing to do such a dishonest thing, tries to get a confession from Grim on tape. Meanwhile, Sergeant Dawkins is cross, because the brief for the case, is none other than Mayoress Wickham, a woman Inspector Fowler fancied when he was at school, and she becomes insanely jealous. In the end, Fowler prevents such a corrupt case from happening, by tipping off the Mayoress about Goody's uniform. When it seems everything has gone alright, Sergeant Dawkins, who is at home listening to an 'Keep Fit' tape, suddenly hears on tape, a suspicious conversation between Fowler and the Mayoress. At that moment, Fowler enters the house, wearing a cycle helmet. She tells him to remove his helmet, and as he does so, she picks up a rolling pin.....


Sergeant Dawkins has a dilemma - she has found out something she shouldn't have found out, but now she has, it ought to be investigated by the police. Also, she is still jealous of one Inspector Fowler's old schoolfriends, Mayoress Wickham. While she thinks Fowler doesn't find her very exciting, he reassures her, by telling her that she finds her enormously exciting, and then again, he finds Bread & Butter Pudding exciting, only he doesn't want to have it every night. Detective Inspector Grim, meanwhile, who has just failed to get in as a freemason, decides to go one better, and join a secret initiation ceremony, as a todger.... where he has to kiss a dead turkey's bottom! Meanwhile, Inspector Fowler holds a lecture, showing his concern about Sexism and Racism. Whilst giving the lecture, it gets interrupted when he has to deal with the case of an illegal asylum-seeker. He goes to the house of this person, and proudly arrests a black man, but when he takes him back to the station, and shows him to Mayoress Wickham, it is discovered that he has arrested the wrong person. Not only that, he turns out to be a French European Commissioner, and soons speaks his mind about the English. Fowler feels he is a failure, so Sergeant Dawkins decides that to cheer him up, he should investigate the evidence she picked up on the surveillance video. Looking through the window of the building of the goings on, it seems that people are beating each other up, just as Sergeant Dawkins had suspected. They enter the building, only to find they have walked in on Grim's secret initiation ceremony as a todger. As a result, Grim does not get to kiss the dead turkey's bottom, for the ceremony is no longer secret. At home, that night, Fowler is feeling an absolute failure. Dawkins decides to give him one last chance to get things right, and asks him who he likes better, her or the Mayoress. Having told her he likes her better, she then asks him which he likes better out of her and Bread & Butter Pudding. He tells her it depends on whether that's with or without custard, and she tells him that she'll roll herself in custard if he likes!


While Goody and Habib are talking about what it would be like to be on telly, Inspector Fowler assures them that it isn't what it seems, and whinges about the way in which TV has changed. Suddenly, he hears that the BBC are coming, and want to film the goings on at Gasforth Police Station. Everyone gets excited, and tries to look good, Grim holds a torch to his chin in order to get the light, Goody streaks his hair, Galdstone decides to wear his Trinidad uniform, whilst Fowler disapproves, even though he joins in by using some 'Grey Away' on his hair, in order to hide any greyness. He brushes the stuff on with an old toothbrush, and then cleans his teeth, only to accidentally use the same toothbrush with which he painted his hair. When he appears on camera, he does his best to hide his black teeth. Later on, when he tries to inform the staff of what the BBC are really like, he is unaware that he is being filmed. Meanwhile, the staff are all trying to make themselves look like heroes for the camera. Later on, at the station, a man comes in, pointing a gun at Fowler, and pestering to be on the TV. Sergeant Dawkins, who is behind the counter, rushes to get Grim and the BBC. Excited about getting a chance to appear on TV, he decides to take his shirt off. Going to the case, he finds that the gun is totally useless, and is annoyed to have taken his shirt off for that. When Sergeant Dawkins tells Inspector Fowler that he'll be on telly, he assures her that it is no big deal. But when the BBc TV crew reveal that he isn't on, because Grim made them keep the camera on him, he pretends he isn't bothered, but then asks the gun man if he would like them to re-shoot the event for the camera.


Due to a problem with the plumbing, the ladies end up having to share a locker room with the men. Some of them are not happy with this arrangement, particularly Grim who complains that the women are spending too long in there, and Habib, whose soap is getting covered in hairs, after being used by DC Boyle. Meanwhile, DI Grim decides to bend the police law by arranging a lock-in at a pub, and he and DC Boyle pressure Constable Goody into coming with them. Meanwhile, Constable Habib's sister Nazia comes to stay, and immediately causes trouble by carrying an illegal drug, which in spite of Maggie's request, she won't get rid of. That night, DI Grim arranges a drugs raid at a pub, and when Constable Habib catches her sister with the drug, she conceals the evidence, and Grim charges her, in spite of Fowler's plea not to. On the night of the lock-in, Grim and Boyle are interrupted by a police raid. They decide to escape through the toilet windows, which they know as a 'police perk'. However, they find Inspector Fowler hiding there, who tells them that the trouble with it being a police perk is that the police know about them. He tells Grim that he won't charge him, providing he drops the charge against Constable Habib. Grim accepts the deal. When the bloke comes in to talk about the plumbing, he finds a confiscated drug on Fowler's desk, and, mistaking it for Bovril, puts it in his tea. He tells Fowler he will not do anything for him, but after the drug takes effect, he promises a luxury washroom, as Fowler takes advantage of his situation.


Gasforth Town Football Club finally get into the second round of the FA Cup, where they will play against Chelsea. Meanwhile, Sergeant Dawkins is being sexually harassed by some builders, and Raymond is offered an MBE by the Mayoress. This makes him faint, and when she tries to fan his head with her skirt to give him some air, he ends up with his head up her skirt, which angers Sergeant Dawkins. Whilst Fowler is preparing the force to be tough against football hooligans come the match, Grim goes undercobver, and in a restaurant, he overhears some people talking about a dodgy plan. Dawkins decides to arrest the builders who've been harassing her, and Habib receives a com a call complaining about people, whom she arrests. Come the football match, while the Japanese are visitting, they leave, after the mayoress learns that the players haven't turned up, whilst Fowler learns that the people who Grim arrested on suspicion of dodgy dealings, the builders whom Dawkins arreested for harassing her and the people whom Habib arrested after receiving complaints, were all the players!


During her fortnight's leave, Patricia helps a travelling tribe of protesters, known as the Dongers. At the station, Inspector Fowler lectures his team about his plans to get rid of the protesters, whilst Grim is complaining about someone who's dinged his motor. At the protest, Patricia meets a bloke called 'Stallion', whilst she gets called 'Squirrel', and Stallion tells her she can nibble on his nuts. Goody, meanwhile, gets rather acquainted with someone called 'Elf'. Eventually, Fowler manages to rescue Patricia from Stallion, who seems quite a strong guy. Back at the station, Stallion reveals himself as a secret spy, whilst Grim discovers it was him who dinged his motor, and decides to take him on, but shortly after realising his strength, offers to sign papers.


Grim has bought a new water cooler for his department, but it doesn't work properly. Fowler, meanwhile, wants to impress the Board of Promotions, and, after Grim boasts about his 20th Wedding Anniversary, Fowler considers proposing to Patricia. He prepares a romantic dinner, but she decides to leave him, after realising it's to impress the Board of Promotions. Inspector Fowler, meanwhile, doesn't know what went wrong, whilst Patricia is looking after someone called Toby, whom Fowler doesn't know is a dog. After perceiving Toby as brutal, after he overhears a conversation between Sergeant Dawkins and Constable Habib, he makes a stand against him, and Patricia, seeing Raymond as strong and defensive, goes back to him, whereupon he realises Toby's a dog. He decides to go out, and, taking his principles into account, decides there's always next year for promotion. Grim, meanwhile, who is ready to impress the Board of Promotions, boasts to Habib about it, whilst getting some water from his water cooler, unaware that it is leaking, and gets wet trousers, whereupon Habib smiles, and tells him he really will impress.

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