Now she wasn’t trying to be sweet. She wasn’t trying to soothe his pain or bat her eyelashes while offering her best smile to smooth things over. Things were getting awkward and Brenda was never able to handle those moments well. This time was no exception to the rule.
“I don’t understand.”
He didn’t. No matter how many times she professed her love to him, it was followed by her walking out the door.
Just like now. It was almost funny, only it wasn’t.
“You don’t want to be with me,” he said slowly, each agonizing word pounding into his head until he wondered just what he was looking at. Was it Brenda or was it the Brenda he wanted?
She was wringing her hands now, shifting from one foot to the other in silence, wanting to escape. He wanted to hang on, to beg her to stay with him. Didn’t she see what he would do, what he would sacrifice to be with her?
Jax released a breath, suddenly feeling tired. “You better go, it’s getting dark.”
“Jax,” Brenda implored but he shook his head at her. “No, I can’t look at someone I never really knew.”
She made the usual noises, protesting, defending, asking for his forgiveness when all he wanted to give her was his love. “Good bye Brenda,” he said softly, pushing her gently out the door, knowing Jason would meet her down the gravel path. The pain in his head echoed throughout his entire body, searing the strongest in his heart.
The truth hurts.
*~*
He wasn’t sure how it happened, but somehow he found himself at the Lakehouse, where she lived. The lights glowed and as he approached the doorway, he could see her moving around the living room, putting things into the boxes that were scattered throughout the room. She was leaving too.
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are
I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I set you apart
“Skye.”
She jumped, startled by the intrusion of his voice. He winced, knowing she never used to be that way. She used to spin around, a joyous expression on her face. He did that.
Not anymore.
A jumble of emotions ran across her features as she watched him stand hesitantly in the doorway. “I didn’t hear you,” she said quietly, studying him cautiously. “Sorry,” he replied, “I saw the lights were on…” he motioned vaguely with his hand before trailing off as his gaze fixed on her hand. The ring was gone. A hollowness filled him and he wondered why he had made the choices he had.
She grabbed a pile of books from the bookshelf and placed them in an empty box on the dining room table. “I’m selling the place. It got snapped up pretty quickly actually. The couple liked the peace and quiet. Said the view was amazing and they couldn’t believe I was letting it all go.” He watched her blush as she flustered over her choice of words.
“It is a beautiful home,” he said, glancing around the living area.
“I’m leaving most of the furniture. You can look around, see if there’s anything you really want.”
Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start
Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on a silence apart
His fixed expression never wavered. He wanted her, not because Brenda was gone. Not because he wanted to do right by her unborn child, not because he craved to be craved.
But because she had loved him so completely, so unflinchingly, so fully and no woman had ever done that for him before.
He had thrown it away. He hadn’t watched it die, or slip past him or go to another.
He had tossed it aside for something that had caught his eye and at one time, his heart.
And now he ached for her.
“I’m going home, can you see yourself out?” she asked, grabbing her purse from the sofa. He blinked and nodded, watching her leave.
She was halfway to her car when he’d caught up to her. “Skye, wait!”
Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
The suspicion was back, glittering fiercely in her proud eyes. She would not be fooled by him again.
Oh, take me back to the start
He opened his mouth to speak, but found the words he so desperately wanted to say wouldn’t come out. Skye’s lips thinned in anger and she shook her head. “No,” she said firmly. “You don’t get to say anything about that. You don’t get to apologize or sermonize or whatever the hell posturing you feel like doing. Go tell it to your adoring Brenda, because I’m not interested. It’s done and all I want to do is move on with my life.” With that, she sped off in her car, leaving him alone in the driveway.
I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling your puzzles apart
Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart
He trudged back to the house, his legs like lead, the guilt weighing him down like nothing before. Flicking off the lights, he wandered the house, directionless, touching things here and there until his eye caught onto something near the fireplace mantle.
Their wedding picture.
He flopped onto the sofa, cradling the picture in his hands, seeing the joy she had felt that night radiate from her. The moonlight gleamed on the surface and he tilted the frame. She was in the light and he was in the shadows. The woman who had loved him and the fool who hadn’t seen the light until it was too late.
Nobody said it was easy
Oh it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard
Jax gazed at the picture, at the life he could have had until his eyes began to droop. He eventually dropped off, still holding the picture against his chest as he slept. It was all he had left.
I'm going back to the start
The next morning, the visitor entered the home, spotting Jax almost immediately. Seeing the tight grip on the picture, the rumpled clothing and hunched posture, it was no surprise he’d been called.
Approaching the sleeping man, he bent down, seeing the dark circles under Jax’s eyes, the pained expression, but more importantly, the tear-stained cheeks that had long ago dried.
Jerry shook his head as he placed a comforting hand on his baby brother’s shoulder. “Jasper,” he murmured quietly to himself as he pulled a quilt from a nearby box, covering the younger man’s frame with it. “I love you, but you needed this. This hurt was something you needed to feel. I can protect you from almost anything, except yourself. You got here by yourself, you’ll find your way back by yourself.”
I'm going back to the start
*~*
Song credit--The Scientist by Coldplay