My Thoughts on Other Closers

At this point in the season, Julio thought it wise to give the fans his views on the other closers around major league baseball. Clearly none of them are as good as Julio, but can you really ask them to be? Let's take a look at some of the highlights!!

Billy "I eat" Koch- The White Sox closer for the time being... maybe. I know nobody can be Julio, but I'm pretty sure Jose Canseco would do better on the mound than this guy this year. Jorge feels that eventually Takatsu will take over for Billy Koch, unless of course manager Ozzie the Guillen has suffered some sort of brain damage.

John "I swear I used to be good" Smoltz- John Smoltz in the previous couple of years was an elite closer. This year, John Smoltz doesn't appear able to close a door. Julio's guess is that his age is catching up to him. A change to the name "John SmOLDtz" may be necessary.

Mariano "I'm not an alien!!" Rivera- One of the better closers in the game ever. Also clearly some sort of alien. Remind Julio to call the government...

Danny "I sucked as a starter" Graves- Graves has been Mr. Consistency this year, amassing the highest total of saves in the league. Julio suggests Cincinatti trade him to Atlanta where the tea will be renamed the "Atlanta Graves."

Keith "better than closer by comittee" Foulke- Seems to be helping in Boston. May Julio suggest a cart to take him from the bullpen to the mound? We'll call it a Foulkeswagon.

The Rockies- Julio doesn't know who closes for the Rockies. When only giving up 30 runs is considered closing, it's not worth paying attention. Put a team on the moon and I bet they still have less homers than the Rockies!

Eric "lights out" Gagne- Julio can't say anything bad about Gagne. Julio could totally save as many in a row as he has... but, uh... he doesn't want to. Don't question it.

"Everyday" Eddie Guardado- Eddie hasn't found quite the same magic in Seattle that he had in Minnesota. He gets shelled nearly "everyday."

Danys "Quintuplets" Baez*- Julio saves the Devil Rays closers for last. Yes, he said closers. While most people think Danys Baez is just stupid and spells his name funny, this could not be further from the truth. The Devil Rays simply employ five brothers all by the name Dany Baez. On any given night you never know which one will be saving a game! The Danys Baez are all decent closers, but you wouldn't know it just because they play ball with MLB's equivalent to the Arizona Cardinals.

So as you can see there are some real characters out there... but it's also very clear that Julio is far and away the best closer ever in major league history. Perhaps later Julio will look at closers of the past, and show you all how much great he is in a historical context as well.

Thank you all for reading! See you at the yard!

-Jorge "God" Julio

*(The fifth Baez quint was sadly killed in a wheat thresher accident. Our prayers are with the Baez family. And our derisive laughter. Mwahahaha)

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