"Who.feels.what..."
"Who feels what..."
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Laying face down on my bed, I regretted everything. Anything that had happened in the last week was running through my head. How Taylor was sad about the break up, and then went out with someone else. How he hated me, and danced with Meegan. How he left, and it would never be the same again. I wouldn't see him for four months.
I couldn't believe it was over. How a small thing had escalated into something that neither one of us could've known. This time, it was truly over, and I couldn't handle it. I always thought we would be together, and when I "looked ahead," he was always there. This time, I couldn't see us together in the future. This time, I was actually beginning to think it was over...
I didn't want to think about this the whole time he was gone. I knew it would just eat away at me. The only way to resolve everything I felt was to tell him. I didn't really know how; I just knew I had too. I had sat there for a good half an hour, looking at the clock. It silently went through its routine, as always. Only about 8:30; not too late. One thing about the Hanson's was they never went to bed early before they left, no matter how much their mother pleaded. Even Mackie ran around the house up to about 11pm.
I picked the phone off the cradle, dialing the phone numbers aimlessly.
"Hello?" A familiar voice answered, as relief made it through me. How hard could this be? Everyone said to do it, didn't they?
"Hi, its Julie." The voice scowled; I knew Taylor wouldn't be happy to hear from me.
"What?" He asked.
"Well I didn't get to give you your stuff the other night, and I thought you might want it..."
"Keep it."
"I don't want to. Its nothing I could use. I also left my coat there the other night." I lied.
"No you didn't..."
I didn't understand why he was being so complicated. I really needed to talk to him, the only way would be face to face. "Yea, I think I did. So, I'm just gonna run over real fast, drop off your stuff, and pick up my jacket-" I announced quickly.
He sighed. "Fine..."
I was listening hard in the background, praying that Meegan wasn't there. That would definitely mess about everything. "Bye," I said, hanging up before he could show anymore disagreement to me coming over.
I looked in the mirror, making sure I at least looked presentable. There was no way I was going over there looking like I had just cried for a half an hour. It takes a lot out of you.
Seeing as how the weather permitted it, I grabbed my jacket, and told my mother where I was going. I stuffed my keys in the pocket of my jacket, and walked over to the Hanson's. The faster I got this over with, the better. I wanted Taylor to know everything, before they left. I wanted to get it off my mind, I just hope I could get myself to spit out the words. Things never came out the way they were supposed to.
Walking up the steps, like I did all the time, I brought my hand up slowly to ring the doorbell. I knew I wouldn't be waking anyone up. Isaac answered the door, smiling at me. "Hey Julie, didn't expect to see you again."
"Mmmhmmm..." I meekly held up the plastic bag. "I forgot to bring Taylor's things by earlier."
"Oh yea, He said you might head over."
I looked at him helplessly. "Any change in the mood?"
He shrugged his shoulders. "Would it help? It's Taylor..."
"I guess," I agreed, staring at my shoes which suddenly became interesting.
"Julie, do you want to come in? It's kinda cold, and standing here is pointless."
"No, I don't want to make him even more mad, or get in the way of anything..."
"Meegan's not here." He said, immediately smirking. I wonder if he can read my mind.
"Well how about I just take the bag?" He asked, as I shook my head. "You sure?"
I sighed. "Never mind. I can't do this." I handed over the bag, and began to turn around.
"Wait! I'll go get him." He put his arm out, to hold me assuringly.
"It's ok," I looked back at him. "I changed my mind."
"Oh, c'mon Julie. Don't be a wimp." He walked out onto the porch, and sat down on the steps. He patted his hand down for me to join him. "You aren't like that, and you know it." I sat down next to him, resting my elbows on my knees. "You were always the one to stand and speak your mind. And now, you're gonna let Taylor win? Cause in his mind, that's what's happening. Yea, he may not know how you feel, but he thinks everyone believes this little relationship with Meegan is true." He went on, "I can tell its not 'real' just by the way he doesn't talk about her." I wasn't sure what exactly he was talking about. "Do you know how much he talked about you? And he smiled every time he did it. Even now, he'll just say something small like, 'oh, Julie does that...'" He gestured his hand outwards.
Talking to Isaac always helped me when I had problems. He made me realize more than I ever knew. It was big-brotherly like. So sitting there on the steps, I came to realize my problem. "Do you think I'm insecure?" I asked.
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know. All week I looked for an answer to why I broke up with Taylor. And I cant, because every time I try to figure this out, it comes back to me. I have no clue why I did this; I've never thought I was good enough for him. How could I? He's so perfect, and with everything that's happened to me, I can't even match up. All I can think about is I must be insecure."
"I wouldn't say insecure. Maybe confused. Taylor isn't going anywhere, if that's what you think. He was so stupidly in love with you. You guys would make fun of me anytime I talked about a girl, yet he had this dorky grin on his face whenever you came up. No one ever said anything then." He laughed, trying to defend himself by showing fake hurt in his voice.
I reflected every time Isaac did like a girl, and the way we made fun of him. It just kinda went with the territory.
"Well, what do I do?" I asked.
"I can't tell you what to do... And, I can't make Tay do anything either. You just gotta push things, that's all. I mean, I truly think Meegan is just someone to take up his time..."
I shuddered. What did he mean by take up his time? It was bad enough Taylor had a new girlfriend, but I never thought about if they did anything. Taylor was always my boyfriend, and it made me sick to think that someone else was close to him. I didn't want anyone else doing the same things I did with him.
"Meegan is around because he wants a new girlfriend, and she's good for him. He likes her. Our breakup never seemed to affect him like its affecting me." I stated.
He sighed, and looked away. "I know he'd kill me if he knew I told you this. Hell, Zac doesn't even know."
"What?" I asked curiously.
He looked back at the front door, assuring it was shut. "Saturday, after you two broke up, and after he came home and told me, he went upstairs. I didn't see him all day after that, so I went up to see what he was doing..."
I stared at him, intently listening for what Taylor had done. "mmhhmmm..." I said, encouraging him to go on.
"He was sitting on the bed, watching TV when he saw me walk in. He began immediately whipping his eyes, and he turned the other way. Julie, he was crying." He faced me. "I mean, yea, I didn't actually see any tears falling, but his eyes were red, he was sniffing. It was pretty clear he was upset."
Upon hearing this come out of his brother's mouth, coming from his best friend, there was an immediate tightness in my chest. I turned my head away from my stare on Isaac, and looked out onto the dark lawn. He cried... And I had made him.
Taylor never cried. It just wasn't something he did. Sure, when he was 12, he fell off his bike and cried. But since then, none of us had seen a tear fall. Everyone, including me just assumed he really didn't have feelings to do that. He prided himself on being a 'strong, non-emotional man.' Not that he was insensitive, but that many times, he just didn't know how to deal with it. And he never wanted to show it. Now, here I was, learning that he did have those kind of emotions, and I was the one person who had caused them to come out.
"Yea, but he's mad now. So, I mean-" I started.
"believe me, he's just being stubborn. If he had stared at you like that while dancing, and he's willing to accept you feel you're wrong, then maybe you can kinda turn him over. Come hang out with us for awhile, or why don't you just go talk to him. That's probably the best thing you could do. Its not like he's going to leave. So just tell him how you feel... We're gonna have some food in a little while. Why don't you eat with us?" He asked, standing up. Mrs. Hanson always made them eat dinner together on their last night home. I'm sure she wasn't happy when the guys opted to go out then stay home for supper , and she was probably was making them eat together this late anyway.
"Isn't that like a family thing?" I asked, as he helped me up.
"Well kinda, but what are you?" He joked, putting his arm around me, and leading me in.
"I don't think I'm ready to do this." I whispered, as we walked into the warm house, and I looked around innocently for Taylor. Zac was walking down the stairs.
"Sure you are," Isaac said through his smile.
"Go home already Julie," Zac laughed, walking past us. "Its only gonna be four months..."
"I just can't stay away from you Zac." I smiled, as he walked into the kitchen.
"He's downstairs watching TV." Isaac said, leading me towards the stairway, and gently nudging me to go down. "Trust me with this one, ok? Just go talk to him..."
I nodded, clutching the plastic bag, and walking down.
I walked to the bottom step, and entered the room. It was pitch black, except for the TV. The end of the couch was faced towards me, and I was left staring at the back of Taylor's head. The TV flickered off the wall, and our faces.
He turned around to look at me, but then turned his attention back.
"Your jacket isn't here..." He said,
"Are you sure? I could've sworn I left it here."
"Well I checked, and didn't find it."
"But, I'm pretty sure I its here." I hoped it didn't sound too obvious that I was stalling.
"It's not here." He angrily raised his voice, and I stepped back out of surprise. "You left the other night with your jacket on, I saw. So what the hell is this about? Why're you even here? Wanted to see if I made it 'a night' with Meegan?" He spat out sarcastically. Never once had he turned to look at me, and he was still watching the TV.
"No... I don't know. I wanted to say bye before you left... for real. I didn't want anyone else to be there when I said it."
He turned his head, as his forehead creased with confusion.
"I kinda wanted to tell you something else too... and it takes a lot from me." I looked down at my hands, seemingly intriguing as I played with them in front of me. "You don't know how long it's been inside of me like this... It's hard for to admit things, especially for me. I don't even know how to say it..."
"Say what?"
"Well, can't we at least talk face to face?" I didn't want to talk to his head, twelve feet away from me. I thought that was simple enough.
"Why should I friggin do anything, I don't care..." He challenged.
"Taylor, please?" I asked lightly.
He sighed, but stood up. He looked me over once pathetically, and then walked over to where I was standing by the stairway.
I paused for second. I knew I had to say it now, but was afraid what would happen when I was done. That would be the worst part, it would all be up to him. "Ok, hear me out before you throw it away. All week," my eyes began to water, "I just wanted to do it. But I couldn't bring myself to. I know its all going to come out wrong..."
"Julie, what are you talking about?! Everything you ever say is worth shit!" I flinched, as he went off. If his mom heard him talking like this, she would kill him. "It doesn't make sense, you don't make sense! One moment, you love me. Next day you 'can't' love me', when God knows you cant handle things. And then you don't talk to me all together. Now, you dance with me tonight; What's your problem? Don't you know how to make up your mind?" He was getting angrier. "I'm not stupid, just so you know. I know when people are using me. What bullshit were you trying to pull off tonight? Did you think you were showing me that you could have me if you wanted, or something? Cause you cant, you don't call the shots." He paused for a second, quietly adding in, "Meegan wasn't too happy about tonight either."
I smirked at the fact of her name even being brought up. "I could care less what Meegan thinks..." I mocked.
He rolled his eyes. "You really don't care about anything, do you? Anything I just said, you don't care." He was rubbing his arms in motions to get them warmed up. "Well, if that's all you want is to show your dislike to Meegan, then you can leave now, cause like I said, I really don't care. It means completely nothing to me. Leave the bag, take whatever left over here of yours, and leave." He turned around to walk back over to the couch.
I grabbed his arm, and he shrugged it off faster. His head was down, hair blocking his eyes, but I could see his icy stare directed towards me anyway. "Wait, please..." I begged him. "......I love you Taylor." I blurted out, silently wanting to slap myself in the head. Could I be more blunt? I went on. "More than you could ever know. More than I ever knew. Saying all I said on Saturday was the biggest mistake I could have possibly made with you. I wasn't thinking, I didn't think about what would happen after, or how I would feel-"
"What about how I would feel?"
I ignored his question, and went on. "I was scared, and I know that sounds wrong, but it isn't. I am so close to you, and I've never cared about anyone the same way. With the way I had been acting, I truly was afraid you'd get sick of me, and break up. I know I wouldn't be able to handle that, and I didn't want to grow so attached to you to the point where I don't know what I'd do if we didstop seeing each other. I figured if it ended before breaking up could kill me inside, it would be saving me a lot more heartache in the end. I didn't think at all about you, just myself. I was so selfish. This week has been so hard for me... And I'm sorry."
I looked at him, it seemed like eternity. He wasn't glaring, but he just blankly stared at me. Knowing he wasn't going to say anything, I went on. "And then I saw you with Meegan-"
"Julie-" He tried to interrupt me, but I put my hand up, I knew I had to go on.
"and I know I said it didn't bother me, but I did. It hurt so bad. I was good at covering it up then, but this is the truth, I just had to tell you this before you left."
More uncomfortable silence.
"Is that all?" he asked, facing me.
I stared at him. Is that all? What else did he want from me?
"What?"
"Is that all?" He asked, starting to walk closer to me.
"Why?"
"Some more of your stuff is over there." He pointed to a small shoe box on the coffee table.
I walked over and lifted the top of the box, skeptical about what might be small enough to fit into the box. Pictures. Mainly of the last year or so. Us at Christmas last year. Us when they got back from touring. Us over the summer. I was completely dumbfounded on what to say.
"These are all pictures of us." I said as he shook his head. "Keep 'em." I said, tossing them back on the table.
"I don't want them."
"Neither do I!"
"I'm going for a walk." He stated blankly, ignoring any conversation we had.
"What about what all I just said?!" I asked, shocked.
He shrugged. "What about it?" He walked past me, as I turned around. He was taking two steps at a time up the stairs, and I was struggling just to stay behind him.
"Taylor." I called out, as he completely ignored me.
"To Love You..."
Email: writerjul@hotmail.com
