"And.then.again..."
"And then again..."
__________________________________________________________________________________________________
I knew this was going to be hard, but I at least hoped he would've said something. Told me how he felt, or what was going on.
"Taylor," I called again.
He acted as though I wasn't even in that house. He walked down the silent hallway, throwing a jacket on as he passed the living room. Isaac sat there watching a movie with Jessie. I looked over at them helplessly, and raised my hands up in confusion. Taylor slammed the front door behind him.
"Thanks a lot!" I glared at Isaac as he began to unfold himself from his position on the couch. "No, stay there, I really don't need anymore help from you tonight..." I opened the front door and followed him out. Taylor was quickly walking in the darkness, past the front porch steps towards the edge of the driveway.
"Why are you acting like this?" I yelled at him, suddenly regretting I said it. I really didn't need him to go off again.
"How am I suppose to act?" He immediately stopped, and whipped around to face me. I stood where I was, frightened to move closer, and leave my position at the top of the driveway.
"Like you care about anything I say right now!" I shot back.
"You broke up with me Julie, remember?!" He was pointing at me to emphasize his point. "I didn't do anything... You have no right to yell at me for the way I'm acting. If you say you love me now, you've got a real fucked up way of showing it."
With that one out, I knew he wasn't going to say anything else to me. His cold glare was back. I had to open myself up even more. He wanted, or maybe needed, an explanation.
"When I felt I couldn't 'show you' I loved you," I lowered my voice, this was going to be hard enough, "It wasn't because it would, you know," I shifted uncomfortably, "make me remember things. It was because I didn't know where to start." The front house lights lit up the yard, and reflected against his face. His pushed his hair behind his ears as I spoke. "Maybe it was just me, maybe you didn't want to scare me, but I should have shown you. I should have told you I was ok. You know? We could always talk about things, but it was hard this time. You have to understand I was scared..."
"Of what? That's what I don't get! What the hell were you afraid of?!"
My attempt to lower the tension really wasnt working.
"Us! I didn't want to loose what we had... Ending it could've been easier than having to deal with a break up later on..."
"I told you nothing was going to happen- you didn't listen to me. Damn it Julie, I said I wasn't going anywhere."
His hands were now down by his sides, staring at me. He rolled his eyes every couple of seconds, looking the other way. He still had anger in him, he wasn't about to give everything that he was defending the past week. I walked closer to him down at the end of the driveway. At least he wasn't walking away this time.
"When I decided to finally tell you how I felt, I just figured it would help. I thought everything was gonna be alright between us. You know, we could still be friends. But I guess not, you became mad at me, Meegan popped up, and I realized how dumb I was."
"So?" He randomly threw in.
"I wanted to talk to you tonight, so I could tell you all I was feeling. I didn't know what it was going to change, but I didn't want you to leave without me explaining everything. It'll help me more than anything else."
He still stared at me.
"I owe you an explanation, you deserve that much. But I miss you... And I still want to be with you."
"What if that's not what I want?" He finally broke his barrier of silence, his voice quieter. It hurt... even though I had made myself expect the worst. He doubted us, after the whole time we were together, after all we had been through, he doubted the relationship we used to have.
"Well then fine. I can't make you change your mind." I cocked my head to the side. "But you would be making a huge mistake, throwing all of this away." I said, holding my hands out to the both of us.
"You did." His words stung, yet he was right.
"I know," I agreed, putting my head down, and accepting what he wanted the outcome of all of this to be. It was over, and he had just confirmed it. "I'm sorry. But at least I came to terms with myself, admitted I was wrong, and I can move on."
He looked away.
"So I know you don't love me anymore, and I know Meegan's the 'new girl' now, but you know I still love you. I never stopped." My voice wavered, but I refused to let emotions take over. "So have fun tomorrow, and during all your promotional stuff, ok?" I forced a tight smile.
Still not taking his glare away, he stared at me. "Make sure when you guys come back you tell me all about it. I better get good seats at your concert here. I've seen you too much of you guys off to the side, it's my turn to watch you like everyone else." I began to walk past him, down the driveway and towards the sidewalks to my house.
"Can I ask you something?" Taylor called out, as I was nearing the sidewalks.
I turned around, slightly walking back to where he was standing. I wanted to see him as long as I could before he left, and if this was the only way, well, then fine. I stood in front of him.
He hesitated slightly before speaking. "What about me? Did you think about me in any of this? I know you some how thought this was helping me, but you wouldn't listen to me. You just thought it would be better for you. Christ Julie, gimme some credit. I knew something was wrong. And I could tell you were acting weird, it'd been going on like that for a couple of weeks. I was just hoping you would kinda get over it. I tried to help, and to talk to you. But you talk to Isaac more than me. I should be the one you come to. I wanted to help you, yet every time I turned around, you and Isaac were in some deep quiet conversation. He said you were afraid, I really thought I could help."
I tried to pay attention. I felt so bad that I really wasn't. I was staring at him, acting like I knew what he was talking about. I was too occupied with the fact that he was in front of me. That he was so close, I wanted to reach out to him. Hold his hand. Kiss his lips. He kept talking, "But then I realized I cant. You have to do it, not me. I just dont get it. Now you want us to be us again. How would anything change if you can't get over what you're afraid of?"
I was soaking in what he finally had to say, snapping myself back into reality. I wasn't sure if he even wanted me to answer that.
"Do you know what last Saturday was like for me? How do you think I felt? I didn't even know what to do with myself. It hurt so friggin bad. You broke up with me, something I swore to everyone, would never happen. I don't know if I can trust you... I dont want this to ever happen again... What makes you think that 5 days is going to make a difference?"
"I don't know. But it just will. I love you." I offered. "I want you to still want to be with me."
He looked confused as I was. "I want to feel that way too, but it's just hard. So many things hurt."
"Well same here..."
He stood there motionless, before crossing his arms. "How could it possibly be worse for you?"
"Well, for one thing, you've been acting like a complete ass-hole to me?"
"What? You don't think I should be? I finally realized none of this was my fault, I didn't understand how you could do that to me. You deserved it."
"I guess I do." I looked down.
"You act like you're the victim here."
"Oh god Taylor, Mr. Holier than thou. Don't throw this all on me. Maybe I screwed up for once, but all you did was make it worse. You're telling me you didn't think for a small second that it was hurting me? Did you truly think I was ok with you and Meegan?"
He mocked my voice, "Did you truly think I as ok with you and Meegan?" He barreled me down with a simple look. "Do you think I really care? Saturday hurt, Sunday felt better. Cause Meegan called, and I thought someone liked me. Someone else, besides Ms. Julie Valcor wanted to be with me. You see, after you get dumped, cause, um, I don't think you know how that feels, you fall back on someone."
As if I didn't hear these stories of Taylor getting dumped enough. While I was with Mike all that time, Taylor jumped from girl to girl, each one 'breaking his heart.' He never had the guts to drop a relationship, so he'd basically wait for them to dump him.
"The 'fall back' takes over where you left off. Meegan fit fine with that. So, maybe it sucked for you, but I didn't care. It, or she, was good for me." He smirked, satisfied in what he had just divulged.
I rolled my eyes. "Oh god, what's that suppose to mean?"
"Figure it out. Its not that tough..." He spat out.
My stomach dropped. If he was saying what I thought he meant, my first reaction was to throw up right there. I didn't need to hear this, yet, he was happy saying it.
"What's changed?"
"Huh?"
"You used to be the most nicest, sweetest guy I knew? You wouldn't hurt anyone, let alone me, if it killed you. Now you go and tell me how far you've gone with another girl? So what's made you act otherwise?"
"Well, maybe its because the one person I loved told me she didn't love me back. Maybe its because you're the only person that I totally let my guard down with, and you go ahead and change your mind about us, not listening to one word I said. I don't know how to act anymore. At least around you. I loved you, and being with you. It may sound selfish, but only recently did I realize how much you meant to me. With all that happened with Mike, I understood that I couldn't let you go. That when you were hurt, it hurt me just as bad. I didn't even know how to describe some feelings I have, yet when I was with you, I didn't have to. It was almost as if you could tell exactly how I was feeling."
I was speechless. He'd never spoken so open about anything before.
"I don't know what to say." I stared at him.
"I don't expect you to say anything."
"But why Meegan?"
"God, would you stop bringing her up already? This isn't about her." He rolled his eyes yet again. "You know I only asked Meegan to go tonight to get back at you..."
"Well, she was the perfect candidate." I smirked. "She always hated me..."
He looked at me and sighed. "I broke things off anyway."
"Yea?"
Were we actually having a normal conversation? Who knows, but I didn't want anything to end. How a conversation so serious could turn lower was beyond me, but I didn't care. I stared at my hands, playing with them in front of me at my stomach.
"Well, yea. And I kinda began to feel bad." He eyed me. "She seemed to actually like me, and I was just leading her on. Basically using her. It was the only thing I could do. I didn't really have control over anything, so I figured the more I hurt you, the better it would be for me. But it backfired," he confessed, "and I couldn't stand her."
I looked away from each glance he stole at me. We stood there, looking everywhere but at each other. One thing I could always do was look into his eyes. I'd always had trouble pulling myself away from long stares. Now, I couldn't even match it. I felt pathetic, that this is where we had ended up.
This wasn't what I wanted it to be like. I wanted to be with him. I couldn't see myself without him. Everything I planned in the future, involved him somewhere along the way. An uncomfortable silence drew out, making it harder to even be near him anymore. I knew I better get home soon.
"I need to get out of here-" I started.
"So what now?" He interrupted, looking at me.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, what's going to happen after this? Are we over?"
"It isn't up to me anymore. I've already told you how I felt."
"Yea, well I told you how I felt. So what."
"I don't know what you want from me."
"I want to be able to trust you. That's all I ask."
For once that night, I was taken back on what to say, or what to do. Trust. That's all he wanted? I couldn't even trust myself, how was he suppose too?
"Taylor, I know you want to. But I don't know how I'm suppose to do that. I can tell you to trust me, that's about it."
"How can I know everything is alright? Because you say so? Just because you say it, doesn't mean it works like that." He stated softly.
I remembered exactly what Nicole had said earlier,
"If you want something to happen, it has to happen tonight. And, you have to make it happen..."
How ironic that Taylor seemed to be saying the same thing.
I shook my head. My hands still intrigued me, not really knowing what to do with them; I looked up at him. He was standing in front of me, basically staring at me. I did the only thing I knew I could do. Though in reality it happened so quickly, it went by all in slow motion. I leaned in, his lips gently pursed as I kissed him. This seemed to be the only thing I could do. He stood there feeling-less. Maybe what I had just started wasn't such a good idea, but either way, I couldn't back out now. His hands stayed clenched at his sides.
I placed my arms around his neck, pouring myself more into this one sided situation. I waited for him to push me away, making me give up, but he didn't. I didn't have any clue what to do, or what he was waiting for. He wouldn't pull away, yet he wouldn't show how he felt. I just wanted to hold on to this kiss. My mind began to panic on what to do now.
I reluctantly gave up hope, blinking my eyes open. I lingered on his lips for a second, then slowly pulled away. His already open eyes matched mine, searching me for whatever I might feel. Resentment? He stood there motionless for a second, as I moved my arms off, and slightly backed off.
He just looked at me.
"I'm sorry..." I said, beginning to slowly turn around. I looked towards the ground, whatever I felt that week was starting to take over my emotions.
"Wait." He said, holding onto to my upper arms, and pulling me in. He began kissing me, as his grip tightened. All my feelings drained out of me, as he finally responded. He tilted his head slightly, before moving his arms up, cupping my face in his hands. We stood there, in each other's arms, content with whatever in the world.
I promised myself there, never to let this happen again. I had put the both of us in this situation, and had done anything I could to get us out. The thought of losing Taylor again was too much.
As our kiss winded down, I wrapped my arms around his waist, and buried my face into his chest. His arms still held me, around my shoulders, and resting down my back. He laughed lightly, "So, you missed me that much?"
I didn't move myself, just barely mumbled audible words from his shirt.
"C'mon, let's go inside, it's too cold to stand out here." He pulled away, grabbing my hand, and leading us to the front door.
"To Love You..."
Email: writerjul@hotmail.com
