Read my Introduction to WUBS written in 1999!
Edward: What in tarnation are you doing here, Tracy? Look at this! I can't even get a decent scotch!
Tracy: Daddy, I hear this is the place to be. I have no other place to be so CLEARLY I'm going to be here. Sit down
Edward: I'm not going to sing. Don't even try it.
Tracy: Don't worry. I'd love to get Monica trashed though. Let her go up there.
Edward: Where IS Monica? I haven't seen her in days...or is it weeks?
Tracy: Who cares. The hospital doesn't, why should we?
Over at the next table
Alexis: Kristina...is this your Visa Bill?
Kristina: Well, whateverrrrrrrr ; rolls eyes: like you're a perfect mother. Like you ruined my life. (crosses arms)
Alexis: I'm sorry honey, I just wasn't thinking. I was on chemo and had lung cancer and...
Sam: Wait. You had lung cancer?
Alexis: I know! Can you even believe it!? Look at me now! You'd never know! It was a miracle.
Diane: No, it's a miracle you're caught dead in those shoes....
Kristina: Uh, Mom.. enough of your BIG C talk. .I'm going to go talk to Michael. My brother. That I love. God, leave me alone :Stomps away:
Carly: Now, Michael put this helmet on and I'll be ok with you being here. You never know what can happen in a bar.
Michael: Mom, I'm not wearing a helmet. I really, really want to go driving. Come on.
Carly: I don't think that's such a great idea....
Sonny: Hey, Michael, how you doin? Guess what I bought you? Here (tosses keys) a giant sports car that goes really, reallllly fast!
Carly: Sonny! Are you crazy? He can't even drive yet!
Sonny: That's your job...go get him a license will ya?
Carly: But..
Sonny: :Stares: I said...go.
Jax: Don't tawk to her like that ya dang dinga. She's carryin' me baby! But on yer way out, can ya get me a Fostahs?
Jason: Huh. What are we doing here anyway?
Sam: I thought I could do some undercover work in my 10:" heels and apron.
Jason: :Stare, blink: that's all you have on.
Sam: Well, yeah...a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do to catch tax evaders!
Spinelli: There you are ..(sees Sam) hello mistress Sam, what do you have...oh, you are plying your clients with a kitchen chef theme. Very festive. But! That is not my purpose at this moment! I seem to have misplaced my future betrothed.
Jason: Blink
Spinelli: The Maximista! I am going to present her with a carbon based stone tonight.
Sam: A diamond?
Jason: You knew what a carbon based stone was. :blink:
Sam: A girl gets around.
Spinelli: Oh the horror...I must go find my Maximista post haste!
Sam: Was he wearing a...jousting helmet.?
Ethan: (leaning on the bar glowering)
Coleman: What's up dog?
Ethan: mumbmheuianlht...emiehghgl...Emily.....Nikolas....gugheh
Coleman: Dude, you been drinkin cause I can't get a word...
Ethan: DUIHHEIH! biugoual!
Coleman: Luke better get back fast, man, so he can interpret for you.
Lulu: yeah, like that's going to happen. My Dad's a dead beat. Hey, Ethan
Ethan: HUmpghf.
Lulu: No, and you?
Ethan: Shrugs...
Emily: Hi Lulu...uh, hello... I stranger I don't know...never EVER saw before.
Ethan: :evil eyeball: (tosses hair)
Nikolas: Hey. You know, I'm kinda tired. I should go
Lulu: Spencer keep you up?
Nikolas: Who?
Rebecca: Oh my god, is that that kid's name? I thought he was Alfred's great nephew or something! Wow...I thought Spencer was your imaginary friend. You know, like you used to talk to Dead Emily.
Nikolas: I find this all so tediuous. Yawn.
Liz: Hi, hey, bitch...
Rebecca: Back at cha bitch.
Maxie: Hurry up we're late.
Kate: Maxie. I am never late. I am 'tardy'.
Maxie: Where have you been anyway?
Kate: None of your business but it was dark and cramped. I have to go back tomorrow so I intend to spend my time wisely. Oh, there's Sonny. Hello, Sonny.
Sonny: (looks Kate up and down) Uh, huh.
Kate: It's me. Kate...Connie. Remember?
Sonny: Well, it's kinda foggy..
Olivia: Oh, my God, look what the cat dragged in. If it isn't my wayward cousin, Connie FALKINARIIIIIIII.
Kate: Olivia.
Olivia: Ya know, I kinda like it here, I'm stayin
Sonny: Heh.
Kate: Oh, I see what's happening. Well, you can have him.
Sonny: Who me? Naw, ladies don't fight.
Kate: Infact, you can have my whole airtime.
Olivia: Gawd, you can be so nasty. (whispers) hey, have ya seen my Donte? Kinda hot isn't he?
Kate: Olivia! (giggles) well, yes..he certainly grew up rather quickly, didn't he?
Olivia: Seems like yesterday I was changin' his diapers....
Sonny: Who's Diapers?
Olivia: Oh, my gawd, Sonny..stop listenin' in...I was talking about my neice on my cousin Tony's side ...you know, Annette Marie.
Sonny: Oh, yeah, I remember Annette Marie....dimple flash
Olivia: Oh cut it out.
Coleman: Welcome the second Karaoke night at Jake's! Tonight we have a treat for you....a very special guest all the way from the Topics of Capricorn...in the flesh...say hello to Mr. Stephan, the BAT Cassadine! (dressed as "Frenchie" from Grease..)
Crowd: Whistles....hoot whoot!
Nikolas: Oh, I am so chagrined
Edward: What in the Sam Hill? I thought we got rid of that singing barfly years ago...
Bat: (singing) Beautyyyyyyyyy Schoollllllll Drop out..........Beauty SchoollllllllllDropout.........
to be continued...
Sonny: Gentlemen, Gentlemen, calm down now.
Jason: Blink, yeah, what he said.
Trevor: Why are we here again?
Sonny: I hear they are bringin' in a new guy. Don't like it.
AZ: It's crazy! Nuts! Stupid! I won't stand for it!
Sonny: Ah, maybe you haven't noticed, but you can't stand.
AZ: You're a funny guy, aren't ya? Isn't he funny Johnny?
Johnny: A new mob guy is coming to town? Aren't I the new guy?
AZ: Nooooo, I'm da new guy. You're the new young guy
Spinelli: Well, technically, sir, if I may interject, I'm the younger of the two guys...well, I think so, if we had some evidence of our births.
Johnny: You are not in the mob, dweeb
Jason: Hey.
Spinelli: Yes, I hate to tell the mobular junior that I am, infact, in the mobular realm as you say, albeit in cyberspace.
Jerry: Who cares!? We are all facing a menace! Someone else with an accent. It's just not fair. Not at 'tall.
Sonny: Oh, like you should worry. You're getting it on wid the DA!
Jerry: And I do believe sir, you are boffing the great Kate Howard, so touche!
Jason: We need to talk. I am not. blink. happy
Trevor: Yeah, who is this new guy? I mean, aren't dare enough of us?
Ric: Yeah, aren't there?
Trevor: Oh, like you are really in the mob....geesh.
Ric: (pouts) well, I want to be in the mob...I'm trying. Geesh.
Sonny: Look, all I know is that he's Russian.
Spinelli: Of the nesting egg Russians? You know, those little wooden dolls that...
AZ: Shut up!
Claudia: Daddy...that's not nice.
AZ: What are you doin' here. Hey! Everybody!! What's she doin' here? She gots boobies. She can't be here.
Claudia: Can too. (stomps foot). I can. Really. Uh, ask Jason. I can can't I?
Jason: Who are you again?
Sonny: She's a SLUT! Now..everyone be calm. We can deal with this. Now, we need to start worryin' about this guy's shipments.
AZ: Yeah, the shipments on the waterfront.
Trevor: Oh, the shipments.
Jerry: yes. On the docks. Of which I control 40%.
AZ: Ten..if that.
Sonny: I figure 30...
Spinelli: Actually, if you take the ratio of docks to mobulars in town and divide it by the number of lattes at Kelly's we can...
Sonny: Someone shoot him.
Claudia: well, you can all stand here and gab all day, but I'm going to go talk to management about this. My brother..MY DEAR BROTHER... is the only one that should be considered for this. I didn't come back on this show to have some hack Russian take over...
Jason: Uh, we may have a problem
Sonny: what
AZ: Yeah, spit it out.
Jason: Uh, I hear he has a big gun.
Sonny: Oh, not bigger than MY gun...no way (flashes dimples)
AZ: Gun? He's got a gun? Oooo, I'm so scared. NOT. Now...I got a GUN...heh, heh.
Clauida; Daddy! Don't show us your gun..not here.
Jerry: Hold on, hold on...I'm not putting up with this. I was promised the biggest gun when I started this whole thing and..
Spinelli: Hey? can I get a gun?
Jason: NO! Now...if he has the biggest gun it means..
Ric: Oh. My God.it means we'er all doomed.
Sonny: Not neccessarily...
Trevor: Well, what are we going to do, just wait around until this clown shows up and whips out his gun?
Sonny: No, we are not. We are all going to wear wires and catch him..
Jason: NO WIRES!
Claudia: Well, I'm going to seduce him. that will teach him.
Sonny: Oh, great..he'll run the other way in two seconds flat.
Johnny: HEY!
Jason: I know, let's drink our guava juice and go out and get bigger guns.
Spinelli: Stone Cold seems to be on to something!
Sonny: Ok, I'm getting the juice.
AZ: I got to get a new gig. This blows.
Ric: You're telling me. Sigh...
Robert:(peeks out) Did someone mention Fahstahs?
Carly: You go.. I have to ..ah..ah..fix my slip! (turns around...takes out a side-kick and texts) I WNT 2 C U W R U bt i hv 2 p ?
Spinelli: Hello, Valkyrie of the damsels of distress. What are you doing, using your thumbs in such a manner?
Carly: I'm texting, go away, turtle.
Spinelli: Thou can see you are texting, but pray tell, who too?
Carly: It's To WHOM... None of your beeswax..shoo!
Spinelli: (turns around...) I must warn the forces that texting is going on oh, the humanity!
Nadine: Can we dance?
Spinelli: No, evil nurses-sister. I must go warn the master that I have found the keyboarding involvement and that everyone is in danger!
Nadine: (rolls her eyes) whatever.
Lulu: Hi, who are you?
Nadine: I'm Nadine, hired because I look like you...
Lulu: But see, for the really dumb in the audience, I'm wearing this black key, so we can tell each other apart, ok?
Nadine: cool.
Maxie: Oh, my God...two skanks! I think I drank too much...
Lulu: Who are you calling a skank, skankie, skanka-reenie?
Maxie: I'm going to punch you!'
Lucky: Ladies, Ladies...please....go find some real punch...
Sam: Are you ignoring me?
Lucky: No, I mean, I brought you here, we danced 3 dances and..
Sam: I think I saw you blink in Elizabeth's general direction and I'm sick of it!
Liz: Did I hear my name mentioned? (glare)
Sam: NO..we don't even THINK ABOUT YOU! (double-glare)
Liz: Well, Lucky.. I need to talk to you about your brother.
Sam: Oh, sure, use THAT excuse..you suck. In a major way.
Liz: Lucky, Nikolas is acting funny. I saw him pacing around and then, he bit the tail off of one of the house cats!
Lucky: Really?
Liz: Really! One chomp, it was gone. Do you think something could be wrong?
Lucky: Well, he is a Cassadine..did you ask Emily?
Liz: She said she only saw him impale himself on the head with a hammer once. That's not too bad, right?
Lucky: No..guess not..
Patrick: (Stumbles out, eyeball hanging from the socket) You'd better control your brother or I might just have to leave!
Robin: Oh, it's nothing, a band aid will do...
FROM ANOTHER ROOM AHHHHHHHH SECREWAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMM!
(everyone runs in)
Alexis (breathing into a paper bag) Good God! Look! Look! (Ric's against the wall with an arrow through his head)
Ric: Ouch.
Luke: Dang...that must have hurt! Then again, you do look like Steve Martin...
Alexis: SOMEONE CALL A DOCTOR!
Monica: I'm a doctor!
Leyla: (shoves her aside) well, I'm a nurse and much younger and with more cleavage, let me lean over and give my royal assessment.
Robin: Ok, move away
Leyla: No!
Robin: I'm telling you..
Ric: OUCH!
Bobbie: Does anyone need me?
Tracy: Bobbie, since when did ANYONE need you on this show?
Jerry: Pray tell, Who, dear brother, is that?
Skye: It's Whom...
Jax: IT's BAH-BAH JEAN! You's were marryin' heah when ya got nicked by the FEDs.
Jerry: Really.
Skye: Yeah, but you were brunette and had an accent then.
Jerry: Must be all this international intrigue, I remember nothing!
Ric: OUCH AGAIN!
Patrick: Hold my eyeball Robin, while I extract his arrow...
Alfred: DINNER IS SERVED.
Emily: Oh, Alfred, I'm so sorry to tell you this, but someone has been injured, Dinner will be on hold.
Alfred: very good, my dear. (goes into kitchen)
Gordon Ramsay: What the *K do you want old fart?
Alfred: Sir, I'm sorry to inform you that dinner must be delayed
Gordon Ramsay: What the **K! (beep) **K (beep) that, **K!(beep!) I quit! **K!(beep!)
(He leaves, out of the shadows steps Zucchini, dressed as a chef) I will be pleased to take over, Mr. Butler. Ramsay trained me well. heh, heh, heh (holds up a butcher's knife-Thunder noise comes on)
Alfred: Very well. Carry On.
Tim Gunn: Hey, that's my line!
Kate: Hello, Tim, enjoying the party?
Tim Gunn: It's wonderful! Why didn't you tell me you knew the Cassadines? You know, I dressed Helena as early as 1989 when she went to Milan for the yacht races. Where is Helena anyway?
Kate: I'm not sure. I'm waiting for Sonny..he's a gangster, but a nice dresser, so I overlook some things!
Tim Gunn: I should say you should! I've seen him on Court TV..delish!
Johnny: Come with me..
Lulu: Hey!
Johnny: I'm saving you!
Lulu: But Logan then Spinelli then Max then Milo save me..I don't need..
Georgie: Some girls have all the luck. Sigh. (she's grabbed from behind and pulled into the wall/tunnel).
Zucchini: One down...heh. heh....(thunder noise)
Michael Scott: That's what she said...
TO BE CONTINUED!! Watch for: Jason's return with the Go-Go's water skiiing! The eerie floating tricks of Criss Angel, Mind Freak! And, a special appearance by....Faison!!! Hellswo.
Edward: Dang nabbit, I think I just stepped in dog poo!
Tracey: Why are we having this at Sonny's house anyway? It's usually in the park or at our house...
Monica: Haven't you noticed? The Corinthos' patio is the new Quartermaine rose garden. Hey, I don't care, one less mess to clean up.
Kate: (wearing Prada) Hello.
Monica: Who are you?
Edward: Yes, my dear...how did you escape my 'BEAUTY radar'?
Kate: I am Kate Howard, editor of Couture magazine...
Monica: Really? Here in Port Charles? Whatever for?
Kate: Haven't you heard? Port Charles is the new Hamptons...
Tracey: (rolls eyes) News to me.
Michael: (runs past) Morgan's eating a fish! Morgan's eating a fish!
Kate: Leave my koi alone!
Sonny: Heh..boys will be boys...is everyone happy here?
Tracey: Well, if you can call these pathetic cocktail weenies food..then, yes...
Max: Sir, we need you out front...
Sonny: (clenches teeth) Not now, can't you see I'm entertaining...
Max: But sir, there's a guy out there with a bomb and a machine gun..
Sonny: I guess I'd better take care of this.
Skye: I hope it's not dangerous.
Tracey: In Port Charles? Certainly not.
Meanwhile over by the BBQ grill...
Scottie: I am not your father!
Logan: You are too.
Scottie: Am not!
Logan: Look at the hair man...look at the hair!!
Lulu: You sure look good to me..giggle.
Maxie: (hiding in the bushes) that skank...I'll get her! She's supposed to sleep with Logan not flatter him!
Spinelli: I caught you oh, dangerous blonde one! You are certainly a crafty wench.
Maxie: Get away from me, you freak!
Spinelli: The Jackal sees you spying on the fair one. It's not right, her beauty shall remain pure and untouched by the likes of you!
Maxie: Ewww. Go away..this is my bush.
Spinelli: I am sure there's a jest in there, but the Jackal will take the higher ground and take his leave.
Maxie: And get a life...geesh. Wait, did Tracey mention weenies??
Jason: (out front) There, it's all taken care of.
Sonny: What was it?
Jason: one of Zucchini's men. Trying to kill us all. I stared him down though. He's gone.
Sonny: Damn Lansings!
Jason: Blink. I said it was a Zucchini...
Spinelli: Zucchini? The Jackal prefers Summer Squash, actually.
Sonny: (stares) GET OUTTA HERE!
Spinelli: Yes, oh, Godfather one.
Back out back:
Carly: who let Morgan eat a squirrel?
Kate: I assure you, that squirrel was imported from the finest forest in all of Germany. I didn't know your brat would eat it..
Michael: Well, all the koi were gone so...
Carly: Wait, did you just call my boy a brat?
Kate: If the shoe fits..
Carly: Why you..I'll tear your hair right out..what is that style anyway? Early Posh without the conditioner?
Scott: CAT FIGHT! whoop!
Logan: look at 'em go..what a sight...sigh...
Scott: Sigh....(looks at Logan) No, you're NOT MY SON!
Robin: Hey..look at how cute Morgan is with that squirrel tail..
Patrick: Don't get started on KIDS! I Don't want any, didn't I tell you that? (glares)
Robin: I was just saying...
Patrick: I know what you were saying...(walks away..)
Robin: Geesh, Lainey, he's so moody!
Lainey: I don't know why I'm here, I see almost everyone at this party, I can't talk about anything!
Jax: Heh, dinga shieler barbie! I'm puttin' on another shrimp...Carlee, leave Kate alone and come have a Fostah's!
Carly: (panting) and why are you all cheerful? You actually slept with an international spy who was holding you at gunpoint. Don't expect me to be all nice to you!
Jerry: Carly, he was forced..
Carly: yeah, right...and I was forced to break a nail trying to rescue him while he was really lusting after your old girlfriend!!
Jerry: You are insufferable.
Carly: You are a pig.
Jax: Come on, jest get along. My brusies are almost gone and we can get back to our lives!
Carly: Speak for yourself.
back at the terrace
Ric: I hate you father, just as I hate my brother.
Trevor: I hate you too, just as I hate your brother.
Sonny: I hate you both, just as I hate my enemies.
Alexis: Well, why are you all here in Port Charles then?
Trevor: Haven't you heard, Port Charles is the new Payton Place!
Sonny: I didn't invite ya anyway. Go away.
Ric: Or, wait...let me guess, you'll push me down the stairs.
Sonny: LOW BLOW RIC!
Maxie: (In the bushes) did someone say blow?!
Liz: Oh, Lucky..there you are. Cam's been looking for you.
Sam: We're skinny dipping in the fountain, can't you see that you idiot?
Liz: Oh, my gosh..you have like, no clothes on!
Sam: Don't I look good?
Lucky: What? I'm just protecting her...
Liz: She has no clothes on!
Lucky: So what, you slept with Jason...
Liz: So what, you were hooked on pills!
Lucky: So! You lied!
Liz: So..so..you slept with that Slut Maxie!
Maxie (From the bushes) I HEARD THAT!!!
Lucky: Go away.
Sam: yeah, we are enjoying ourselves. Pass me the oil, will you Lucky?
Lucky: (yells after Liz) But I do want to work on our marriage! really!
Amelia: Hey, Lucky, you missed a spot on Sam's left shoulder...
Sam: Why are you still here?
Amelia: I have no idea. I've outlived my usefulness but I guess I'll continue to monitor my "star" for a bit longer.
Sonny: May I have your attention everyone! The feast is ready! Come and eat.
Tracey: What is this anyway?
Sonny: Cuban-Miami fusion food...
Monica: What is this, the new Food Network?
Morgan: (burp) I'm full....
Carly: Honey, wipe the squirrel fuzz off your face and eat something healthy. God only knows where it's been.
Maxie: I heard that!!
Carly: Oh, my God, I meant the squirrel!
Maxie: Oh, my bad. Nevermind.
Guza: (hits buzzer) Shirley! Get Corinthos in here! NOW!
JFP: I don't know what all the fuss is about ...this was bound to happen, Bob.
Guza: Not on MY WATCH! Does he even know what this will do to us? Didn't I have the best team on this? All those guys from Pine Valley? God, this is horrible.
JFP: Maybe not, maybe it will save the show.
Guza: Oh, funny, Jill...you're a laugh-riot. Now, where is that guy..
JFP: shhhhhh. wait, I think I can hear his shoes clicking on the floor as we speak.
Door Opens, Sonny walks in...
JFP: Hey..(blush)..how, ah, are you? (giggle)
Sonny: How you doin?
Guza: Ok! Enough, Corinthos, sit down. We got a legal notice in the mail.
Sonny: I won't talk without my attorney.
Guza: Who is it this week? Ok, whatever, you are a major pain in the butt. (hits buzzer) SHIRLEY! Get Alexis in here!!
Sonny: Don't want her.
Guza: That's who you're gonna get. Now..tell me, you know what this is about, right?
Sonny: Maybe.
JFP: Ok, that's ok..can I rub your feet while we wait? Get you something to drink? An Emmy perhaps?
Sonny: Thanks, Toots, but no...
Alexis: (blowing in a paper bag)...what..puff...what..I was in a chemo session!
Guza: Have a seat. And fix your wig. God...what are we running here anyway?
Sonny: Hey, how you doin?'
Guza; What? are you Joey now? Shut up!
JFP: Bob, I won't sit here while our star is subjected to this talk!
Jason: (Sticks his head in the door) I HEARD THAT!
Guza: Sorry, Morgan...won't happen again....now, Sonny, I have here a legal document that says..
Alexis: Let me see that (puts on her glasses, looks over the paper, then at Sonny)...is this true?
Sonny: heh...what can I say?
JFP: Well, they are waiting from Access Hollywood right outside.
Guza: I can't even believe this!!!!!
Sonny: Well, I couldn't help myself!
Alexis: When did you have the time?
Sonny: I took off to the island and the next thing I knew, there she was and one thing led to another...I bought her a dress..
Alexis: (Hand up) no more, I got it....been there, done that.
JFP: (crying) oh, Sonny, how could you?!!
Sonny: Easy.. I mean first I took off..
Guza: Enough! Do we have PR control on this!?
JFP: Some but not much. They are going to announce the findings today.
Sonny: Ah..(leans back in his chair) life is good!
Later that day...
Nancy Grace: Hello, folks. In a stunning reversal the Bahamas Court has come out to say that the father of Anna Nicole's baby is not Larry Birkhead but none other than Sonny Corinthos of Corinthos (fingers up in quotes) "Coffee". Seems that the head people at ABC pulled a DNA switch that would make any scientist proud! That story and the case of the bloody Cambridge Knife Killer up next. I know it was the husband. Stay tuned.
Nikolas: Uncle...Father..I mean, Uncle, Helena has my son!
Bat: Nikolas, I am so chagrined that this has befallen you. Perhaps a walk on the parapet would help.
Embrat: NO! You know what happens out there, Nikolas (tilts head, tries to cry) people fall to their death!
Bat: Thank you for reminding me of that, Miss Quartermaine. You certainly know how to break the mood.
Nikolas: Stop this! My son is missing!
Bat: Perhaps Mrs. Landsbury could bring you a glass of Ouzo. That warms the heart.
Alfred: Mrs. Landsbury No longer works here, Mr. Cassadine. A lot has changed since you've left.
Bat: I understand that, Alfred. It's just sometimes my mind wanders. Like I remember the time my dear Lasha walked down that very staircase wearing nothing but a toga and her barefeet. Sigh... those were special times.
Nikolas: Father-Uncle, please call your contacts in Zurich to see if you can locate Grandmother.
Bat: Splendid idea! I shall do it at once.
Embrat: Do you think that's a good idea? I mean, have you told him the name of the baby yet?
Nikolas: No..and I don't want you to either. Father-Uncle has enough to worry about. The grape crop has fallen to a frost and our funds are in danger.
(knock at the door)
Nikolas: ENTER!
Jax: (carrying a giant stuffed kangaroo) I'm here's to see me favorite ex-son! Wheah is he? That littl' John..I mean, sorry, Nikolas..no offense, but I did name him first.
Nikolas: After you stole him from me! Is that a kangaroo? Do you think you can bribe him with the symbols of your country?
Jax: When he stahts wanin' the Fostah's beer, you'll see...
Embrat: That's a lovely gift, Jax...I'll be happy to take it for Spencer.
Jax: Wheah is he?
Nikolas: He has been taken away! First by an evil Nanny and then by Grandmother!
Jax: I tolds you that John didn't need to be raised by Cassadines! Blimey Dinga! Blasta! Crikey!
Bat: Enough of this talk. Mr. Jax, I shall have to ask you to leave.
Jax: Ya can't...the last transport launch left and I'm stuck here for the night.
Nikolas: Great.
Bat: I'll have Alfred make up a room in the tunnels for you.
(doors burst open)
Mac: We found her.
Helena: Unhand me !!
Mac: She was trying to buy some Chanel No 5 before she left the country. We nabbed her at Wyndom's Department store.
Helena: I couldn't leave the country without it. Savages.
Nikolas: Where's Spencer?
Helena: You mean Nikolas the II? He's safe.
Bat: Excuse me, Nikolas, who is this "Spencer"??
Nikolas: I was going to tell you Uncle...you see I named my son Spencer.
Helena: Good Lord. I think you hit your head one too many times.
Bat: WHAT! WHAT! Spencer? You named your son after our MORTAL ENEMIES??
Nikolas: I named my son after my MOTHER!
Helena: Well, even "Laura" would have been better than Spencer.
Bat: Or what about Webber! She was a Webber, you know.
Emily: I think she was a Vinning..wasn't she?
Bat: No, that was her sister's name...although I think she was a Vinning before she came to Port Charles...
Helena: SILENCE! Enough of this nonsense. My name of Nikolas the 2nd shall stand.
Bat: Mother, you can't name the baby, he'll be cursed forever.
Jax: See, I told you that John was the name to go with ya bush-waackahs!
Bat: Isn't that the moniker for a bathroom in this country?
Embrat: Ewwwwww.
Alfred: With all due respect, may I interject a thought?
Helena: NO! You are the help, you many NOT interject anything. I have already commissioned a Faberge egg for Nikolas the 2nd. You can not change the name now.
Alfred: Oh, yes I can, because you see, my dear lady... I am really MIKKOS! (tears off his face) I have been pretending to serve you to get the fortune back into my clutches and to once again freeze-dry Port Charles!!!!!
Bat: Father?
Helena: (faints)
Nikolas: Grandfather?
Emily: Oh, Dear.
Mac: You know, I think you're still wanted in about 9 countries.
Mikkos Back! All of you! (reaches behind desk) I have the heir now! I shall take him far, far away and teach him the principals of weather machines and evilness!
Nikolas: You give Spencer back right now!
Mikkos: Spencer? You silly boy. He is certainly NOT to be called Spencer! Apollo perhaps..but I have chosen a better name. One that will live in infamy!
Jax: Yas can't change it now. I mean, unless it's back to John...
Alfred: No fool--it shall be a name that reflects all that is Cassadine. All that is Greek..all that is important in our world! BEHOLD!! THE CHILD KNOWN AS "FETA"!!
Bat: (thinks) Wonderful choice, father...wonderful.
Nikolas: Yes. Why didn't I think of that.
Emily: Wait..isn't that the stinky cheese you keep trying to get me to eat?
Bat: Did you call the holy feta 'stinky'?? Nikolas, you must throw this woman off the parapet at once!!
Nikolas: Believe me, I've thought about it.
Mikkos: Come, let us drink the Ouzo and dance around the table in our togas!
Bat: Oh, it's so good to be home (wipes a tear away).
Embrat: Mr Cassadine, why do you wear that eye patch?
Bat: OH, this? Haven't you seen Pirates of the Caribbean? I do believe I look like that Mr Depp chap if I do say so myself...
Edward: Dang, nabbit...stop talking all at once, I can't hear you!
patrick: oh my god last night was amazing. i'm so good in bed.
Edward: Dang NABBIT! What does a body have to do to get some space around here? Tracey, move your feet, will you please? I need to get a drink!
Edward: Dang Nabbit! Reginald! Reginald!
HOME
Maxie: Well, I'm Pregnant!
Liz: ME too and I'm not happy about it.
Lulu: Well I WAS Pregnant, so I count too
Luke: Yeah, old man, you got some explanations to dish out.
Skye: Well, I am pregnant, but not because, well, you know....
Liz: You can say it. The CONDOM BROKE...stupid condoms.
Jason: Uh, I don't get it.
Liz: (whispers) I'll explain it to you later.
Edward: Now, ladies, settle down, I assure you that no one knew about the problems we were having with these condoms until we read about it in the press.
Dillon: You know that's not true. Harrison from quality control came to you months ago to tell you there was something wrong.
Edward: Well, he didn't tell me! He must have told my staff...
Jax: What is it with this country? Do yer all have a staff that doesn't tell yer things?
Liz: Hey, Carly, why the hell are you here? Don't tell me YOU'RE ...
Carly: Nope! For once, I'm happy to say I'm not pregnant.
Dillon: That's just because no daytime character is allowed more than two little kids at once. I mean, you ever seen a woman running around in a minivan trying to plan for 3 or 4 kids? Doesn't happen.
Carly: I can still get pregnant if I want to....I can.
Jason: Uh, don't sit next to Sonny.
Sonny: I just want to say that I've used Enduros my whole life and I haven't had ANY mishaps...
(Jaws drop around the table)
Sonny: Well...you know, what I mean.
Edward: Er, well..let's get back to these lawsuits. If you think ELQ is paying anyone for anything, you are mistaken. There is no way in hell we are paying anyone a RED CENT!
Tracey: You know...It's hard for me to believe that you all had tawdry sex with each other and each other's partners all within a month and all used Enduros. I mean, what are the odds?
Alexis: Actually, the odds are 8 million 900 and 44 to one. (looks over her glasses) What?
Ric: Is that what you've been doing? I mean don't you have cancer or something?
Alexis: That doesn't mean my mind still isn't working. That and the fact I have two girls, meaning I will not be pregnant again. Whew.
Lainey: Well, Edward, The psychological ramifications alone are stunning. I just may stay on the show for a whole year. Can you imagine?
Justus: (yells from beyond the grave) Don't count on it, Sister!
Sam: Hey!
Sam: I WANT to be pregnant! Like, really, really bad! (cries)
Jason: Blink
Sam: And I've tried and God! I mean, I was with Ric and then Jason and then that other guy on the corner.
Jason: Blink blink.
Sam: and NOTHIN! Not even a little tiny hint of a baby. Sucks. (cries)
Skye: Maybe that's because ABC thought you'd be on to bigger and better things by now, sweetie.
Ric: Yeah... I mean, come on, even Lisa Rinna got to do some ET segments.
Sam: Shut up! There's still time.
Luke: Don't count on it, darlin'. Hell, I was on the cover of Newsweek and People...
Maxie: Well...giggle...maybe they Googled you....giggle.
Dillon: Swaaaaa---weeeeeeeeet!
Sam: Oh my God, you Googled Me?
Jax: Uh, the entiah town Googled yer.
Edward: I plead the fifth.
Liz: Hey! This is not helping! I want answers! I will not live with another man's child thinking it's another man's child...
Lucky: Hello, remember Cameron?
Liz: That doesn't count. Besides, you are a druggy!
Lucky: AM not!
Liz: Are too!
Maxie: Oh, Lucky, leave that witch for me...I have your baby..I'm the one that has your Vicodin..I'm the one with 8 pounds of mascara on my lashes...
Edward: I am not paying ONE CENT to you depraved individuals and that's final!
Big Alice: Edward, I have something to tell you.
Edward: Good LORD, not you too!
Big Alice: Well, it was just one time but yes...I am with child.
Edward: Who's is it? It's not that shifty gardener Miguel is it? Because I have noticed the roses have been looking very shoddy lately...
Big Alice: Uh..no.
Sonny: I couldn't help it man, she was one of the last gals in town I hadn't gotten busy with and...
Carly: Oh my God!!
(door bangs open) Epiphany: Where is he? Where's that wiley little toad of a man?
Luke: (whispers to Sonny) Run, man, while you got the chance...
Sonny: Dang. I'm outta here.
Mac? Two MORE Corinthos spawns in this town? That's it. I've had it. I quit.
Robin: Wait..I thought you quit the show months ago.
Robert: Yeah, I haven't seen you in ages!
Luke: Hey, man, where you been hiding?
Robert: Ah, you know..here and there...
Liz: SHUT UP! I want answers!
Edward: We are launching a top investigation and I assure you that those responsible for this heinous act will be gone from ELQ! IF there was a cover up, we'll know about it and do something about it then. I want to tell you all, I had NO knowledge of this scandal beforehand. None whatsoever!
Luke: That reminds me, don't we gotta vote soon?
Jax: Er..I can'ts vote
Robert: Me neither, mate
Anna: I'm afraid I can't either...
Edward: WE NEED TO BUILD A GIANT WALL to keep you ungrateful immigrants OUT!
Dillon: (whispers to Edward) great change of topic, gramps
Edward: Watch and learn son, watch and learn...MEETING'S over!
Maxie: Come on, Mini, there's a sale on Emo outfits at Hot Topic...
Carly: I swear Sonny, you are such a male ho...
Sonny: Heh.
Jason: Blink. Uh, what's next?
Sam: I'm stomping around the docks for awhile.
Dillon: (lights a cigar) ah..I think I'll be on MADE next, you know "I want to be a CEO"...
Robin: Mom, Dad...time to go back in the closet. I'm sorry, but you know, there's just so much going on. I have to stand outside Laura's door and tell everyone she's waking up.
Mac: At least you got a closet...
Alexis: Now, Ric...we have a schedule to stick to. At 11 o'clock I tell Christina I'm dying...at noon we'll go over your plans with Lorenzo and then at four, you're shot and then we can go back to the hospital for a couple of days.
Carly: Hope I'm the one doing the shooting!
Jason: blink. Am I shot again?
Carly: KEEP UP! No! Not this month. Geesh.
Lulu: Well, that's that. I'm off to go buy my PCU hoodie. See ya.
Luke: Bye darlin'..don't take any wooden condoms. Get it?
Tracey: Oh, please.
ROBIN WUB~GUEST WUB (by Sally)
robin: *scowl* i was here too, you know
patrick: oh yeah. you were. yeah, you were okay. anyways make me some coffee, love?
robin: *scowl* what? this isn't about love? this is just sex! are you starting to have feelings for me?
patrick: no i'm starting to have a caffeine headache. coffee. now.
robin, screaming: 'lainey, why didn't you make the coffee this morning?!'
*no answer.*
she goes into lainey's room - nobody there. it's vacant - all of her things are gone.
robin: dr. lee? why don't i know your first name? are you here?!
robin stumbles into dr. lee's room. she too is gone. no trace of her. all of her things are gone too.
patrick: 'what's goin on out here?'
robin: 'thought you were sleeping?'
patrick: i was til you were screaming.
robin: i think my roommates moved out. they haven't been around much lately since we got the place. then they kind of started fading when you and i got back together. i just don't get it
patrick: wait-- wait-- wait your hot roommates don't live here anymore?
robin: i dont think so. all their stuff is gone.
patrick: yeah, uhm, this just isn't gonna work out...
patrick runs out the door.
robin scowls.
THE HOLES WUB
Graphic by:sally.block@gmail.com
Sonny: (digging with vigor) Yo, ho! Yo ho..a pirates life for me...
Emily: Sonny...oh, my GOSH! My sweetiepie Sonny! What are you doing?
Sonny: Who goes there!? Name yourself!
Emily: Sonny? It's me...Emily...Emily, the purest love you've ever known...
Sonny: Lily?! Lily? Is that you Lily?
Emily: (wiping Sonny's brow with a towel) Oh..sniff...I just don't know what to do! Snifff....My strong manly man...digging holes..
Sonny; (gets all nasty) HOLES! YOU CALL THESE HOLES?! Can't you see..they're..they're..shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! --wait--- do you hear that?
Emily: Uh..(eyes huge) no, hear what?
Sonny: I think someone's coming! Hit the deck! (throws Emily to the ground)
Emily: oof! ouch..
Max: Uh..sir
Sonny: Ahoy, ya swabbie! Is that you Brutus?
Max: Uh...sure, Boss, whatever you say..want your Spinach?
Sonny: Are you mocking me, son? Because if you're mocking me...I'll call the master in and make YOU DIG THESE HOLES! I'm tired of the holes!
Max: Come on, Miss Emily, let's get you cleaned up.
Emily: Ok..Sonny, honey, I'll make you a nice sandwich. That should help. Some lemonade...I'll make you some...
Sonny: Gotta dig, dig..gotta dig, dig...Find the treasure.
Ric: (Creeps out from behind the bushes) Hey, there brother. (evil glint in his eye)
Sonny: Whatda yaaaaaaaaaaah want?
Ric: I see you're digging there, good job.
Sonny: Yep. I know it. Mom always liked me better, I know it.
Ric: Remember, I buried her special necklace somewhere in this yard. Just for you...
Sonny: Yep, yep...necklace, necklace to find. Yep...how's the coffee?
Ric: Oh, we've taken over Dunkin' Donuts, didn't I tell you?
Sonny: Donuts! DONUTS!!!!!! I DON'T WANT NO STINKIN' DONUTS!
Ric: Sonny, they make the best coffee anywhere, and soon, it will be Dunkin' Sonny's.
Sonny: Nice ring to it...
Ric: Just remember, the secret to the universe is the number 17...
Sonny: I got it. 17. Damn. Gotta dig.
Ric: that's right (rubs hands together) BRAHHHHHHHHAHAHHAAHAHA! (leaves)
Sonny: Now. Where was I? Oh..yeah. Roses...Gotta get some roses. MAX!!!! MAX!!!!!!
Helena: (steps out from behind the fence) Oh, Mr Corinthos, you don't need your Max, now do you?
Sonny: Who are you? (squits) Mother?
Helena: Oh, you flatter me. No, I'm someone much more important to you.
Sonny: Look ...lady, I gotta dig these holes, you see, there's something really, really great down there...
Helena: Oh, I know that, I buried it.
Sonny: Wait. You're Blackbeard?
Helena: No...you silly, silly, man. I'm the one that is making you dig. Remember? We had that lovely feta sandwich party last week and you tasted the Ouzo I brought from the Island of Skaattos?
Sonny: I'm all foggy. I don't know NOTHIN' NO MORE!
Helena: Just the way I wanted it! Now, you keep digging and soon...I shall have my revenge and reward all at the same time!
Sonny: I'm not lookin' for my mother's necklace?
Helena: No, my swarthy sweaty Latino God, you are not.
Sonny: I'm not planting roses?
Helena: certainly not.
Sonny: Oh, wait..I remember..this is where you buried...uh, uh...what is that again?
Helena: His NAME is Stavros and you'll know you've found him when you hit the hyperbolic oxygen chamber with your little shovel there.
Sonny: Uh. Yeah...
Helena: But! As far as your lovely wife is concerned...you're looking to plant roses. And your brother? I'll take care of him.
Sonny: Take care of him..hmmmmm, ok.
Helena: I knew I'd find a purpose for you. After all, I can't have your baby, so this is the next best thing. You can resurrect MY baby!
Sonny: You're one strange dame, that's all I can say...
Helena: So I hear, Mr. Corinthos, So I hear.
Sonny: (singing) "I've got a mule her name is Sal...15 miles on the Erie Canal..."
Faison: OH, des Helwena..why can't I's bees the one to diggin dahs hole?
Helena: Shhh, there, there, you'll get yours soon too Caesar. After all, there are an awful lot of blondes around town lately.
Faison: Oh, yes. I wants da donuts.
Helena: Oh, all right, you can have the donut company as well.
Faison: Yes! Da Faiswan shall rules the worlds in donuts!
THERE'S A KANGAROO IN THE HOUSE!
Tracey: Don't blame me, father...you're the one that invited everyone in Port Charles to live here. What's he doing here anyway?
Robert: I'll haves ya know, that I'm jest heah to make yer hubby mad as hell...heh, kinda like ol' times...
Edward: What in the Sam Hill did you say? I'm going to have to get Jax over here to interpret for me. Wait, what about your brother?
Robert: Me brotha who?
Edward: You know, tall fella, curly hair..does something at the Police Station..Marc..or Mike...or
Mini: It's MAC! MAC! God! (crosses arms)
Dillon: I'm sorry, Gerogie, you know Gramps, always forgetting something.
Robert: Nah, I fergot too. Plus, that dinga's done gone and lost his accent! HE sounds like yer yanks!
Luke: Did I hear yank? Heh.
Robert: Should I calls ya Butthead now or latah?
Alan: For Godsakes, can't anyone read the paper? I feel like I'm in a boarding house.
Edward: Where's my grandson?
Dillon: DUH...right here...
Edward: No, the other one...
Tracey: Ned's been in the gatehouse for about 4 months now. I do hope cook remembered to feed him.
Edward: No, not him..the other one..you know...the...
Monica: Don't say what I think you're going to say!
Edward: What? He knows he's black, just like I'm sure you know you're wearing a really bad wig!
Tracey: Pffffffft.
Monica: Hey, that's not nice. Besides THIS IS MY HOUSE and you're inviting everyone but the town tramp to move in!
Dillon: Don't talk about Emily that way!
Luke: Snap, good one.
Dillon: Just doing my part, dude.
Monica: I'll have you know Emily is a SAINT!
Alan: Yes, she became a doctor overnight and with no training. More than I can say for any of you!
DING DONG...
Edward: Alice!...DING DONG....ALICEEEE!
Luke: Hey, Ralph, hold your pants on, I'll get it.
Sonny: Hey, Luke, can I come in.
Luke: Uh..I don't know pal, you're not exactly welcome here..
Sonny: I SAID LET ME IN, OR I'LL PULL THE HAIR ON YOUR CHINNY CHIN CHIN!
Luke: What the *uck?
Sonny: I need a cup of coffee and a large cigar.
Edward: What's the meaning of this?
Emily: (rushes in) Oh, I'm sorry, come on Sonny, time to go home.
Sonny: Grrrr.
Emily: uh, he's just..tired. that's all. Tired.
Sonny: Grrrrrrr!
Robert: Looks tah me likes he's got the toad poisoning!
Luke: The what?
Robert: Yah, knows, when ya lick them toads and ya gets all funny..
Luke: Oh! Dude, do you take me back...
Monica: Get him out of here, he's eating the plants!
Sonny: just a little dressing on these and it will be fine.
Emily: Come on, let's go...
Sonny: NOT until I have my....my...hey, who the hell are you?
Robert: Scorpio. Robert Scorpio.
Sonny: (squints) Another one? God, you're comin' out of the woodwork. I bet you're a flatfoot too.
Luke: Flatfoot. Pfffffffffffft.
Dillon: You're a God, Luke, you know that?
Mini: Luke, Luke, Luke! Why don't you marry him?
Tracey: Because I'M MARRIED TO HIM, girlie, that's why. Come on, where's dinner?
Robert: Hey, mate, come ovah heah.
Luke: What's up?
Robert: Jest thought I'd tell yas I signed us up for a cool American show--let's blow this pop stand and go..
Luke: Cool. Where to?
Robert: It's called the Amazin' Race....I thinks we can win!
Luke: Anything to get out of Port Charles, man..
Dillon: Hey, can I come too? Can I?
Luke: God, kid, get away from me...
Mini: (crying) I HATE YOU!!!!
Sonny: (throwing bar ware) She loves me, she LOVES ME NOT..she...
Monica: Oh, my God.
Alan: I give up.
Tracey: You know, if there were cameras in here, I'd swear we were being Punk'd right now.
Edward: Why did I come back? Why lord?!
Alice: DINNER!
Luke: I'm gettin' while the getting's good.
Robert: I heah the guys name is Phil and yous win prizes with a gnome and...
Emily: Here, let me sing to you "I Don't KNOW HOW TO LOOOOVE HIM..what to do, how to MOOOOOOOOOOVE him; He's a MAN, He's JUST A MAN"......
Dillon: and we know how many "men you've had before"...
Alice: I give up. Feed yourselves.
Ned: Grandfather, hold on to your ever-changing face, there. He hasn't worked here for years.
Edward: What? Oh...well, nevermind. Help me get this pot of gold in the library.
Ned: What's that for?
Edward: I'm playing a trick on Tracey, she'll think we made a bunch of money on that Dubai port deal.
Tracey: No such luck, father...I can smell your foolishness a mile away. Besides...today is the day I try to show that good for nothing Georgie who's the woman of the house!
Monica (yells off camera) It's MY HOUSE!
Tracey: Oh, shut her up will ya?
Luke: (walks in) Tip-O' the Mornin' to ya...(does a shot)
Tracey: It's TOP, you moron. Are you drinking already?
Luke: Sure am, darlin',tis the Irish in me, don't cha know.
Ned: Spencer is Irish?
Luke: Hmmmmm. Don't know, don't care. Hey, Edward. Hell, what happened to you? Last month you were taller than me!
Alan: Maybe he's shrinking from old age.
Edward: That's the thanks I get for coming back from my trip to another network?? No potatoes for you today!
Mini: Good Morning!
Tracey: Snarl..
Dillon: Come on, mom, that's getting old. Besides, it's St Patrick's day. Let's all be nice to each other.
Luke: Uh, pal? That has nothing to do with today. Believe me.
Mini: Well, er...I er....have to go..er..because...
Emily: Hello all! (bird chirping music) Isn't it just a glorious wonderful, magical day? Sigh.
Luke: Ok, I'm gonna puke...
Alan: Where have you been all night, Emily?
Emily: Why..I ..er, have no idea what you're talking about! Jax..er, well, uh.. Carly needed me to..I mean Elizabeth and Lucky wanted me to watch Cameron. That's it.
Tracey: (rolls eyes)
Ned: So, that's why you smell like coffee?
Emily: Oh, you silly. So, when's dinner? I'm starved! We are having the traditional green pizza, right?
Luke: Green what? Oh, I'd better sit down.
Tracey: You are sitting.
Luke: I'd better stand then.
Alexis: Hello, all, sorry I'm late.
Tracey: Who invited you!?
Ric: I did.
Ned: Who invited you?!
Emily: I did.
Edward: What in tar-nation! COOK! GET MORE POTATOES!!
Alexis: Hello...Skye.
Luke: Skye? You're here?
Skye: I've been here the whole time, Luke.
Luke: whoops. My bad.
Skye: Anyone have any Lucky Charms? I'm starving.
Alexis: Lucky Charms? That's funny..I craved them when I was pregnant with Krist....
Luke: Uh, oh.
Skye: Good Going, Alexis.
Tracey: Just what we need, baby number 89,000 in this town!
Georgie: I'd loooooooove a baby..sigh.
Dillon: Let's eat.
Jax: Sorry we're late. But the dinga danga traffic was terrible! Cahlee,, come on...
Carly: Well, Michael won't wear his hat and he doesn't look like a leprechaun without his hat.
Luke: that kid would look like a leprechaun in the dark, with a sheet over his head. Hic
Carly: Was that nice? Was it?
Luke: I'm not nice, don't you know that by now? Here, little kid, want a slug of the hair of the dog?
Michael: We're getting a dog?!? COOL!
Carly: Luke, SHUT UP!
Nikolas: There you two are. I want to see John.
Luke: You want to use the John? It's over there to your left.
Nikolas: (stares) Listen, it's a part of Courtney, I have to see him! My Faberge Egg is starting to throb! Please! I command you.!
Carly: Take your prince act someplace else because we don't care!
Tracey: Jax..let me ask you. Are you a natural blonde?
Jax: yep. Jest like me Mum ...
Tracey: And Courtney, she was pretty bleached out too, right?
Jax: yep..looked like a albino-dingah she did..
Tracey: and John? I mean, I think I saw that kid and his hair is the color of..why, it's the color of...
Carly: HEY! Jerry Jax's hair is that color! That's all! I mean, look at Michael, where the hell did he come from?!
Michael: Jason said a cabbage patch in Africa, Mom...
Jax: Tracey, I have no ider what you are talking about...
Luke: Yeah, somethin' fishy's goin' on here. But, I can't remember what it is.
Carly: Come on Jax, we're leaving!
Michael: But MOM! I'm going to do the jig and everything...
Kristina: Yeah!
Alexis: Honey, you are too young to jig.
Bobbie: Hello! I can jig..watch...(everyone stands around with their mouths open)
Luke: Good God, sis, put them away.
Edward: The POTATOES ARE GETTING COLD!
Luke: Another year, another beer. Let's go.
Tracey: I still say there's something up with that kid.
Justus: Hey, here I am.
Luke: Bro, black history month is over.
Justus: Dang! I missed it?
Tracey: Back in the closet, and this time don't WRINKLE my coats!