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Puppy Humor!






LAMENT OF A LADY WHO'S GONE TO THE DOGS

There was a time, there really was, when I was young and tender;
When SHOW DOG meant a Disney Star, and BITCH was not a gender.
I went to bed at half past ten; I went to Church on Sunday;
On Saturday I baked the beans, and did the wash on Monday.
But then I got a certain pup, and an erstwhile friend said, "SHOW,"
And so I did and so I do, OH! What I didn't know.
I used to dress with flair and style, that was the life, don't knock it.
But now each dress from bed to ball must have a good bait pocket.
I used to have a certain air, I wallowed in perfume,
I used to smell of Nuit D' Amour, now I smell like Mr. Groom.
My furniture was haute decor, my pets a tank of guppies.
Now I've furniture that is unstuffed, and well-adjusted puppies.
Once I spoke in pristine prose in dulcet tones and frail,
But now I'm using language that would turn a sailor pale.
I was taught to be well-groomed no matter where I went.
Now all the grooming that I do is in the Handler's tent.
I used to long for furs and jewels and a figure classed as super,
Now the thing I yearn for most is a nice new Pooper-Scooper.
I adored a man who murmured verse through intimate little dinners,
But now the words I thrill to hear, are just three - "Best of Winners"
I rise at dawn and pack the car the road ahead's a long one.
The one I routed on the maps invariably's the wrong one.
I really love this doggy life, I wouldn't care to change it.
But when I get that BEST IN SHOW I plan to rearrange it;
And when my time on earth is done I'll go without much nudging
Just give me three weeks closing date and let me know who's judging.

(author unknown)



THE DOGS DICTIONARY

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly, and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

Author Unknown
Things We Can Learn From A Dog:

Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joy ride.

Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.

Let others know when they've invaded your territory.

Take naps and stretch before rising.

Run, romp, and play daily.

Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

Be loyal.

Never pretend to be something you're not.

If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.

Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under shady trees.

When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and pout...run right back and make friends.

Bond with your pack.

Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.

Don't go out without ID.

When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed!)

If it's not sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

If at first you don't succeed, whine real loud.

Don't settle for cheap food.

Play nicely with others, but remind them that it's your toy.

Rainy days are best spent indoors.

When a loud thunderstorm comes at night, and the ones you need to impress with your bravery are asleep, it's okay to hide under the bed.



     A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."
     "What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"
     With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dog out thoroughly. After a considerable amount of sniffing where dogs like to sniff, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said "Bark".
     The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also sniffed out the poor dog on the table from head to toe and elsewhere. As had his predecessor, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow." He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.
    &nsp;The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went postal. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is DEAD? This is outrageous!"
     The vet shook his head sadly and explained, "If you had taken my word it would have been $50, but with the Lab work and the cat scan..."



Signs Around Town
Veterinarian's Office sign: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten"
In a Veterinarian's Office: "Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!"
Lot outside Veterinarian's Office: "Parking for Customers Only, all others will be Neutered
On a fence: "Salesmen Welcome: Dog food is expensive."










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