yesterday MASTER came to visit this webpage (very likely my first visitor other than myself) and when i came to him later he said something i will carry with me for the rest of my life. MASTER said
"your poem warmed my cold heart"
what a gift MASTER has given me by saying this! thank you MASTER! MASTER takes care of me in many ways and another is the punishment he gives me when i displease him. this happened yesterday as well; i broke one of MASTER's tenants; i am only allowed to orgasm when it is demanded by MASTER and yesterday i did not wait for his order. it was a very selfish thing for a slave to do and i was punished severely; MASTER did not allow me in his presence for an hour - it was agony. my MASTER guides me with a firm hand. thank you MASTER! once my punishment was complete, MASTER forgave me and i was able to make my infraction up to him. MASTER is patient and forgiving with me. thank you MASTER! MASTER allowed me to bare the deepest recesses of my soul to him yesterday and even said he was proud of me. anything to please MASTER! thank you MASTER! i am your slave. i give you my heart, mind, body, and soul without hesitation.
05/17/04 latenight
these next four days will make a lot of or some very long entries.
earlier i mentioned being punished yesterday by MASTER not allowing me in his presense for an hour. tonight a made a grave mistake while we were having a session. i stood while walking towards him; MASTER was sitting; i put myself above MASTER. this was a lapse in judgement, but a very bad one.i am paying for this mistake gravely. MASTER is not allowing me to speak to him until Friday and, obviously depriving me of his touch and anything sexual until the time he sees fit which i am assured will be at least Friday night.
i will certainly never forget this lesson and will never make this mistake again. i have learned my lesson. my four day punishment has been going on for less than two hours and i am in agony and have certainly learned my lesson. i know that MASTER has more in mind for me than this though. i know there is a larger issue at hand here: respect. if i do not show MASTER proper respect, i am disrespecting everything he is, everything he does for me, and everything he is working so hard for; i would never mean to disrespect MASTER. i have already learned from this punishment that whether it is intentional or not there is never any excuse to disrespect MASTER in any way. i will never disrespect MASTER again and i will try very hard to never disappoint him again.
i am having trouble with this point it seems. i have upset him everyday for three days and it rips my heart out. MASTER deserves better. he deserves more obedience than that. all i live for is to please MASTER and when i fail, it tortures me.
believe me, i know that i am not the only one to suffer when i force MASTER to punish me, especially like this. i understand that MASTER will suffer to, if not in the obvious physical ways i will. he will suffer the same emotional turmoil i do, maybe more. i know it tortures him when his slave does not obey him or respect him. i understand the sacrifice my MASTER makes to help me become a better slave and to keep me in-line. thank you MASTER for your sacrafice.
i'm sure MASTER knows how sorry i am and since i am not allowed to speak to him until Friday when he comes to me, i will not even begin to make my apologies here.
i have had tears rolling down my face since this punishment began and they don't appear to be stopping anytime soon. my heart and soul ache for upsetting MASTER; i am certainly learning a grave lesson. my body aches for MASTER's touch; even my body knows who it's MASTER is (other than last night gd another time displeasing MASTER).
even in punishment, MASTER is loving. i spoke when i shouldn't have when he was telling me my punishment and i'm sure that is part of why my punishment is so severe, i asked him if he was trying to break my spirit and, although i am paying for my outburst he made sure i knew the answer to my question before forcing me out of his presense. Whether he had done this or not, i know MASTER loves me; he has shown me that many times.
even without being near MASTER, or being able to communicate with him, i can still feel his strength flowing through me proving just how ridiculous my question to him was. for asking the question and nothing else, i will apologize here: i'm so sorry MASTER for doubting your motives.
realizing this makes me feel even worse. i know my MASTER is only doing what he must. i believe in my MASTER completely. i will never doubt him again. i suffer so much when i am not allowed to be near him that i let myself begin questioning MASTER; i will not let this happen again.
thank your for loving me enough to show me the path MASTER. i am yours MASTER: heart, mind, body, and soul; you own them all.
i've decided to put the rest of my entries throughout this punishment in a seperate file: if i can ever figure out the html there will be a link from here. until then the link will be at the bottom.
05/21/04
i have reposted my final entry from my punishment page because it is really the first entry after punishment:
ok, well punishment is finally over, as MASTER promised. this will be my last entry in this diary of my punishment, i will now be going back to my main May2004 diary. i can feel his presense with me once again.
MASTER told me he is proud of me, for accepting my punishment and not fighting. i must say i'm proud of me too. it means a lot to me for my MASTER to say things like that to me. he also said, for the second time that he loves me. that warms me, heart, body, and soul. (i'm not begging MASTER, but this is a diary for not just you, although it is mostly for you.) i feel so calm and at peace now. thank you MASTER.
MASTER had me resubmit myself to him tonight. we have both learned a lot about what a collaring ceremony means since we performed it and i think that it was good for it to be reaffirmed. i feel like such a woman, so feminine and, i don't know womanly, when MASTER has me kneel like that for him, with my legs spread. i love the thought of kneeling in front of MASTER like that, every part of me accessible to him. it makes me feel more like a woman than anything else. i wish i could see the look in my MASTER's eyes, with him seeing me completely submitting to him in that way. i adore you MASTER. i am yours.
05/22/04 2:47 pm
i feel very at peace today. MASTER has forgiven me and even told me he is proud of accepting my punishment as i did. i'm very happy that i was able to take my punishment with dignity. i adore my MASTER. it's funny, i walked away for a moment and almost forgot that i wrote that, just shows how true it is.
my MASTER is with me today. he is having me wear my butterfly all day, feeling him with me, inside of me. the feeling is fantastic, knowing my MASTER is with me.
i can feel something in the air - something is changing. i think it will be something good. i can feel it in my blood. have you ever had that feeling - feeling the winds of change coming for you? yes, i know i'm being philosophical (sorry) but i can feel it. something is changing MASTER, and i have no idea what it is, but i am calm and relaxed.
MASTER brings me peace. thank you MASTER. i love you MASTER. i am yours MASTER.
05/22/04 4:43 pm
i have been neglected my responsibilities it seems, other than MASTER, school and work. i have absolutely had to do some errands and housework etc. today. i left a message with my MASTER and have been checking in periodically, not wanting to make my MASTER wait on me.
i have completely proven to myself that MASTER is my all; i have been checking, like, every 5 or 10 minutes rather than every 15-30 which is what i said i would do. i can't even get any work done when i am intentionally away from the computer. i adore my MASTER. i'm sure it will all get worked out eventually. i just thought it was funny and thought you might enjoy it too.
i really am like a giggling little schoolgirl when it comes to my MASTER. i just can't stay away. i adore you MASTER. i am yours.
05/23/04 11:28 pm
i was worried that that had happened, i forgot to write in my diary today. that sounds like a very bad thing, but it makes me smile. i have had a wonderful day, so wonderful in fact, that i even forgot my new daily ritual - sharing my life as a slave of the greatest master imagineable - my MASTER.
i had so much fun this morning online with my MASTER. we got the opportunity to just play, something that has hardly happened since i became his slave. he found me online, probably the first time he has caught me offguard, not already knowing that he was there. i check for him constantly, so excited about seeing him again. always waiting to find my MASTER again. even when he is not with me, he is still with me. it is wonderful to feel my MASTER's strength, presense, power, to just feel my MASTER reaching inside of me, taking control.
he let me play for a few minutes before announcing his presense to me and then we played together. while we were otherwise engaged - interacting with others who have no idea of our relationship and can't have any idea, he decided to start a session. there was no way out of the group interaction, which was taking quite a bit of concentration and MASTER wanted me to type and masturbate at the same time as well; i had so much trouble keeping up. at that moment, it was a bit overwhelming, trying to do three things at once and trying to give MASTER all my attention at the same time. it was so hard, but so wonderful. my MASTER was teasing me - toying with his little fucktoy (he likes to call me that. not something i would have ever considered a term of endearment before, but it is; i am). he was forcing me to concentrate on him, giving me a very important lesson in how to prioritize. not all lessons are taught with pain, through punishment, through turmoil. some lessons can be taught by play. so, it turns out MASTER has taught me two lessons today. thank you MASTER.
i have been deliriously happy since my MASTER found me, it's rather amazing the transformations that can occur in less than a month. *giggle. MASTER turns me into a giggling little schoolgirl, in a constant state of excitement, always looking for the next opportunity to experience my MASTER. i truly have been turned into a schoolgirl, in a constant state of heightened excitement and sensitivity, always waiting to see what MASTER will do. it's funny, i know what to expect from punishment but not in general, not because my MASTER is unkind or punishes too much, but because by nature he is unpredictable, always surprising his slave. punishment cannot be the same; it is punishment - all i can expect from it is punishment. punishing me is certainly not all my MASTER does - he rewards me when i please him. he takes care of me. he teaches me. he surprises me.
i hate marriage. i love my husband, but i hate marriage. because of marriage MASTER let me off for something i should have been punished for - i deserved to be punished. MASTER forgave me because obeying him could have gotten us caught which we can't afford, not getting caught was the entire reason i disobeyed in the first place; if there is ever an excuse for a slave to disobey: this is it. MASTER commanded me to go through with the wedding; i have been waffling, although i agreed to give MASTER full control. i will stand by his decision, although i don't like it. i don't think i would have liked it in any case; i hate marriage. because of marriage my MASTER doesn't have complete control - i can't be completely his. i never would have disobeyed my MASTER, but i know what the consequences of getting caught could be; i shutter to think of them. i have no illusions, i know that i will never have the opportunity to have a 24/7 relationship with my MASTER. we are both married, as it turns out, and that alone prevents MASTER being able to have me the way he deserves - truly serving him. i hate marriage. i know that my MASTER loves his wife - i'm jealous (an emotion very unbecoming of a slave) but i coudln't stand if i hurt his marriage. mine is different, but i imagine MASTER happy with his life, loving his wife. i know that MASTER is afraid of losing me - something a master should never have to feel. it's obvious to me that he hates the thought of my husband in his slave as much as i hate the thought of he and his wife being together. jealousy is interesting; my husband and i have always been "open" and i have never had a twinge of jealousy when he fucks someone else. i like the thought of him being happy, even if that means fucking around. he has always felt the same towards me. but i'm jealous of MASTER's wife - getting to hold him, touch him, fuck him. MASTER siad he commanded me to marry my husband (i think i've explained how this is possible) because he doesn't want me deprived of that happiness and love; i objected. i know my MASTER loves me; he is truly my MASTER. i just wish it wasn't so messy. MASTER asked me if all my fear and doubt is gone - he is working so hard to make me happy and to take all my internal conflict onto himself. i'm having some trouble letting go though. maybe he has quelched my fear and doubt, but i hate marriage.
well, that was certainly a cheery subject, but this is a diary and that is how i feel so that is what i have to say.
i am my MASTER's - heart, mind, body and soul. i am his completely. MASTER is and will always be my MASTER. i adore you MASTER. i love being my MASTER's collared slave - owned (like a toaster :). i will do what it takes to continue being his slave and i will accept the things i have to - even when they are hard. after all, this is what being a slave is, isn't it?
05/24/04 9:19 am
here i am, sitting in my last class in school with a major grade an graduation riding on it, and i am distracted with my MASTER. this is the first day in several he has not had me wear my toy to feel him with me. i know he is certainly not done with that (actually i don't know. i never know what is in my MASTER's mind until he tells me, but i suspect) but i think that for the moment, it has served it's purpose. i can feel my MASTER with me, even if not his physical presense. he is still toying with me, playing with me. MASTER is with me always. i hope my MASTER can feel my joyful spirit (which is that way because of him) as i can feel his strength and power with me.
driven to distraction. i'm sitting here on a pile of work i have to get done to graduate (i'll get it done. i always do. MASTER would be unhappy with me if i didn't fulfill my obligations) and all i have in my mind is my MASTER. i haven't stopped smiling in days. there is only one thing that makes me unhappy, but i discussed that in detail yesterday - i'm trying to keep it where i don't think about it much.
i would like to tell you what happened yesterday that i know i should be in trouble for but am not because of the situation. this is a rather emberrassing story though, but just as the good and bad must be reported in a journal, so must this. i took my butterfly out for about 1/2 hour yesterday without permission. i was rewiring it so that i don't get caught with it because of the controller/battery compartment not being removeable. i was always worried it would be noticed - it couldn't be hidden and i couldn't have a pink cord coming out of my pants - gee wouldn't that be fun to explain to my boss. i went to radio shack to get a plug to cut the cord and make it removeable while making sure it still works. when i went in there, one of the employees immediately came over to me to ask what i needed. i had tried to be sly and not even get noticed, i only get assistance when i really don't want it, it seems. i tried to explain to him what i needed, but he wanted to know what it was for. he asked me probably five times and i just stood there and smiled - i didn't even acknowledge that he continued to ask the question. he gave up right before i just about broke down and said "my MASTER wants me to wear a butterfly but the controller is in the way. i need to make it removeable. oh you don't know what a butterfly is? well it's like a vibrator, sort of." i did notice that i was much more confident dealing with this person than i would have been normally, this is completely because of my MASTER. end of story: i never told him, but i think he had a very good idea after getting the manager to come over and help me. everything works perfectly now. and i know better than to disobey MASTER. i may have an excuse, but that makes me mad. i hate making/having an excuse for upsetting my MASTER; it's worse than just fucking up.
05/24/04 4:00 pm
i, of course, have never been a collared slave before so i can't speak from previous experience at it, but i have been a sub once before. i think it is much more difficult having our communication through internet than being in a rl 24/7 d/s situation. it is only further complicated from there. i have had a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day (quoted from my mom's favorite kids book) and i'm amazed to discover that the only thing that would wash it away would be submitting to my MASTER. all the problems, all the trouble just go away when i am with MASTER. giving up myself to him is just that: giving up all of myself to MASTER, even the bad days. of course, it is very unlikely i will be able to see MASTER tonight, because *he is asking for attention (having been away for four days). keeping MASTER a secret is hard and is taking me away from him which i hate. i know MASTER can't be pleased about it either.
understanding that i truly need! to submit to MASTER is a unique feeling. this is where the big difference in the way i feel about being a collared slave versus a sub is important. with MASTER, i don't have to give the gift of submission every time we are together; MASTER owns me. i have given myself completely to him and now i am his. i no longer have a choice of whether or not to submit to MASTER - this is total submission. MASTER takes care of all my needs including, and perhaps especially, my need to submit to him. MASTER would never take advantage of this, but he could if he chose to; this is what total submission is.
as a slave, i know that if MASTER chose not to be accessible to his slave for a few days, there is nothing i could do or say. i would just ask if MASTER was alright (if i were a perfect slave, i don't think i'm here yet, but am working on it). i do not get to determine when i am with MASTER, but what makes me angry is the fact that with the current situation, neither does he. i want MASTER to be in complete control of me all the time; the hardest part has nothing to do with me not being in charge (i chose to give my control over to MASTER), it is him not being in charge. so, as far as he is in control MASTER fulfills all of my needs. the fact that my husband needs attention tonight is out of his control and that makes it so that MASTER cannot even attempt to meet my need to submit to him tonight. i do not think less of MASTER for this and would injure anyone who does *grin, laugh*, but it makes it harder. i hate being out of MASTER's control, it gives me the same feeling most people have when they themselves have no control over a situation they are in.
ok, enough of that. i will end this on a good note, as i try to do. MASTER, i adore you. i have total respect for you and completely submit to you. you own me MASTER - heart, mind, body, and soul. thank you for allowing me to submit to you MASTER.
05/25/04
wow. this is hard. i have always said that i would never be the kind of person to have an affair - my dad left my mum when i was just a baby to marry the woman he was having one with. i've always considered myself better than that. i never considered how difficult it is to have an affair. (i hate that word and saying that is what this is, but for all intents and purposes MASTER and i are cheating on our spouses and having an affair - i don't sugarcoat anything.) it's funny to me, all my life every relationship has been "open" and i have never been jealous or felt guilty for fucking someone else. now, when i'm married to another man, i feel like fucking my husband is cheating on MASTER. i didn't get to talk to MASTER at all yesterday because *he wanted attention - having been away for a few days. of course he wanted sex so we fucked; it's wierd, it really felt like i was cheating by doing it. i won't go into any more detail, i know you don't want to hear it and MASTER certainly doesn't. i've always thought of monogomy as being silly and unnecessary; i still think it is unnecessary, but maybe not silly. i guess i finally understand wanting to give yourself to only one person.
i feel like shit; i spent over an hour in the same "room" as his wife online tonight and i really like her. i think she's a really sweet person. i know that i should leave MASTER alone and let him get back to her - back to being hers, but i can't. as guilty as i feel over *him and her, i still can't leave my MASTER. i won't. regardless of anything else, MASTER is just that, my master! until and unless he decides he doesn't want me to be his slave anymore, i can't leave him alone. i can't not be his slave. and if at any point in the future (even if i'm a married woman with kids) MASTER calls on me - i would follow in my fucking father's footsteps. quite a revelation for me. again so i don't worry my MASTER i have to say that i have no delusions over the future MASTER has planned for us. i realize that i am a slave/mistress and can not be more; i accept this without question. it is still quite a revelation for me that given the opportunity i would do the same exact thing my asshole father did to me to my family.
i miss my MASTER. i haven't gotten to talk to him today either. i saw him briefly earlier - just long enough for him to tell me to shower to wash *his smell off me. as soon as i returned, my MASTER left. i'm not complaining, maybe i am. this whole thing is just hard. i trust MASTER's judgement though, completely.
one more thing about my husband, he found all MASTER's toys last night (they really are! MASTER's toys), including my collar that i only wear when i am alone, the one that says slave. i think i covered, but i'm sure he knows something is up now, not that he'll believe it anyway. (MASTER: i had put them away in a private place that he hasn't looked in probably 2 years that i know of, it was an invasion of privacy on his part, not a lack of judgement on mine, i know better than to leave them in plain sight.) i think everything is OK, but that's probably part of the reason last night even happened.
i am yours MASTER - heart, mind, body, and soul. i am yours completely. you own my MASTER. i adore you.
05/25/04 10:45 pm
well, i still haven't gotten to talk to my MASTER so nothing has changed, but i was just sitting on my couch and all of a sudden, none of the crap mattered any more. i could literally feel my MASTER's spirit wash over me (yes i know i sound very new-age and it sounds like a lot of BS, but it isn't). all the other crap is gone - i am simply MASTER's slave. that is now my definition of myself; i feel the truest talking to the few people in my life who know pieces of the situation. i am! MASTER's slave.
i've really had a couple of shit days in a row and i've known that the only thing that could make them go away would be submitting to MASTER. somehow, i still haven't seen him in two days, but he is with me and i am with him. it's like MASTER can take my spirit out of my body, dust it off, make sure it's still his and when he puts it back everything is better (yes i am just a little bit drunk MASTER, so i may be a little more philosophical than usual, but no less honest).
it amazes me how quickly my life has been turned upside-down and inside-out and what is left is the need to serve MASTER. all the old shit is gone, of course there's always new shit, but MASTER makes it all go away. all i have to do is trust MASTER completely and everything is great. thank you MASTER. you are a wonderful MASTER and you take very good care of your slave. i adore you MASTER.
being on the internet for, i hate to admit it, 4 hours straight waiting for my MASTER i started doubting myself and how MASTER feels about me. i felt like a desperate little girl waiting by the phone. i know this is not what my MASTER desires from me. i mean i know he always wants me there when he is there but he doesn't want to turn me into someone that is that pathetic. when i really consider it though, i'm not desperate; i may be desperate to see him after the past couple of days, but i can feel him now and he is taking care of me even though we are not together. MASTER always takes care of me. it is MASTER's responsibility to provide for my needs, including the need to be with him and it is amazing to me that he is able to do this even when we cannot meet online. thank you again MASTER. i am yours - heart, mind, body, and soul. i love you MASTER.
p.s. i know some of the things i say don't make much sense - get over it (this is directed at everyone but MASTER). when i write my journal it comes straight from the heart and i never go back and change a single word i have written. i think it's more honest this way (although i have changed the dates because i keep putting july instead of may for some reason.)
05/27/04 1:30 am
first off, yes, i realize i didn't write yesterday, but perhaps since i haven't yet slept this can count for yesterday and i can make today's later, after sleep. this will not be a normal entry. since i talked earlier (i don't know when) about realizing that i am no better than my father, i thought i would share with you my email to MASTER. this email was really all about my husband, so i don't expect anyone to read it; maybe you shouldn't but here goes (MASTER, remember this is a webpage about being a new slave and all of this goes along with it, so please don't be angry with me for posting this.):
MASTER. if you have read my online journal than you have read where i had my revelation that i am no better than my asshole father, if not than you may want to (just a suggestion) or this email will not make much sense. the fact is i am better than him because of what i am about to do right now. don't worry, i will not break my promise not to ask for release, just didn't want you to worry. i will bring this up when i see you because it is something i have to do. i need permission to tell _____, that's my husband about us, about you. i know you hate for me to talk about him, but i have to for the moment, otherwise i will never stop having fear and doubt about us. he has been my best friend since i was 8 years old (i know i've said this before, but please hear me out MASTER) and sometimes my only friend. i got him away from his abusive parents (sort of, they are no longer abusive towards him at least) and he has gotten me through a truly abusive d/s relationship, a rape, and a nervous breakdown (for obvious reasons, don't worry, all better. don't want to scare my MASTER off, but there are skeletons in all our closets.) we have been through everything in our lives together, our worlds have revolved around each other for two-thirds of our life. he is the best friend i have ever had and i do love him. there has never! been a secret between us in all that time. he deserves better than to just be cheated on. i need permission to tell him about you, about us and let him make the decision of what happens between me and him from there. i cannot keep this a secret from him - i owe him a hell of a lot more than that. at least he needs to be able to make the decision about whether he and i get married or even stay together. cheating on him, i am losing the best friend i have ever had and i don't know if i could handle losing him as a friend; in many ways that's really all we are. there is a chance that he will want to go ahead with the wedding and then i will. there is also a chance that the romantic relationship will be over from that moment on; he'll probably come up with something in between. that is not my responsibility to come up with the answer and it really isn't yours either. i need permission to let it be his. right now i am breaking every promise i have ever made to my husband and best friend and that isn't me. i can't stand the thought of him finding out without me telling him (he will figure it out eventually). i love him; i owe him; please let me give him this. i hate that i am going to break his heart; it rips me apart but he deserves to know. please let me tell him; let him some say in his future please MASTER. even if some time you choose to release me MASTER (not that i am planning on asking - i am happier than i have ever been, being your slave), the fact that i would! leave him for you is significant - he deserves to know. sorry for putting all this on you MASTER. i am desperate to do this though. being your slave has truly transformed me. i'm filled with joy being yours. the feeling of belonging to you is amazing. i love feeling your strength and power flowing through me; feeling your spirit controlling (like a ghost possessing a simmy lol) me. keeping this secret is the only thing that hampers my joy. i can't do it; i can't keep up a secret affair. please help me MASTER. please give me permission to give him the respect he deserves. this email has sucked to write and is probably worse for you to read, but i had to say it. i have been lieing (play on spelling, get it :) in bed and i couldn't sleep until this was said. do not worry MASTER, i know who i belong to. i am yours. i am your slave. you own me - heart, mind, body, and soul. no matter what else, i am truly, completely yours.
anyway, that is how i feel. i wonder if my MASTER will command me to take this off the diary. if MASTER chooses for this, i will of course obey without question. i love you MASTER. i am yours.
05/28/04
i suppose when i am happy i have less to say. even now i have no idea what i am going to say; little late for that though i guess. i suppose i am just going to say that i am happy. MASTER says the sweetest things without even realizing it, while never allowing me to forget the HE is my MASTER. i was busy yesterday with things that did not allow me to be online and when i finally was able to, MASTER was going to bed; i miss my MASTER. the funny thing is that i'm still happy. i can feel MASTER's presence inside of me - physically and not. i was supposed to go out with my two friends from school (both men, or boys rather) but they left me and i had to work anyways it turned out. not that it matters, i was so happy just to have permission from my MASTER; to have his trust in me where he can allow me to go drinking with two men he has never met.
MASTER is certainly teaching me how to wait for his commands. i can no longer talk to MASTER when i find him online, i must wait for him to find me. it is going to be very hard not to run to MASTER when i see him - he really turns me into a giggling little schoolgirl. i will do as MASTER says though, i will always do as MASTER says.
i am your slave MASTER. you own me - heart, mind, body, and soul. i adore you MASTER.
05/29/04
i finally got to talk to MASTER this morning. i am so happy and relaxed having gotten to see him again. MASTER will not be on today, which is hard because we already haven't talked for two days. i miss MASTER. MASTER gave me one order this morning - to masturbate at noon exactly, imagining my MASTER with me (at work). he says he needs to know i am thinking of him. MASTER may not know it, but this is one thing he never has to worry about; MASTER is always on my mind - while i sleep, while i work, always. this is not to say i will disobey MASTER, it would never occur to me.
during our last session (don't worry, i'm not going into too much detail - i like keeping our sessions private; they are the most intimate thing i have ever experienced) MASTER talked about piercing my nipples and clit. i dreampt of this last night. it makes me want to get my nipples pierced as a sign of my MASTER. i don't think this is possible at this moment because of my husband, but i want to so badly. i love the thought of being marked by MASTER.
there is one thing that is distracting me - i asked MASTER about telling my husband about him and he said not until he is more certain. certain about what MASTER? i know my MASTER loves me and will take care of me; this statement is picking at my brain though. is MASTER uncertain about me? i will try not to think about it until MASTER gives me the opportunity to ask him.
just thinking of MASTER gets me wet - i can feel my pulse in my pussy; this seems to be an almost constant state these days because i am always thinking of my MASTER. i am MASTER's slave. i am owned. the freedom his control has given me is amazing (i know this sounds like an oxymoron, but it is true). i love you MASTER. i am yours - heart, mind, body, and soul.
05/29/04 12:24 pm
wow. that was intense. i've been thinking of MASTER all morning and gotten so horny and wet. it's probably been a couple of years since i masturbated without any toys and i've never cum like that without one. all i had to do was close my eyes and imagine my MASTER's presence, not even touching me, just watching me. ok, my brain is still fuzzy, i don't know what i'm saying. but you probably get the point. i'm sitting here at my computer at work, smelling like sex, with a big smile on my face.i imagine MASTER likes that image, his slave totally relaxed and happy thinking of him. i wonder if MASTER was thinking of me when i was masturbating. thank you for your presence MASTER. i adore you MASTER.
05/30/04 7:18 am
i don't think i've gotten up at 7 am without an alarm clock for years, now i seem to be doing it all the time; i'm always excited and happy it seems. i'll give all of you one guess why (: i dreampt of MASTER again last night - he seems to be a recurring theme in my dreams these days. i woke up masturbating and i think i remember moaning MASTER's name. my hormones won't even calm down while i am asleep, i am constantly unendingly wet and horny for MASTER. i've never understood the expression "loins on fire" and i still think it's stupid but i understand it now. MASTER has started this fire inside of me and nothing seems to put it out. i've always thought of cumming as putting out a fire, but with MASTER it's like the fire consumes me. i think that the only thing that will put this fire out will be to really get claimed by my MASTER. ok, i know better than to talk about this, it gets me too excited, better go take a cold shower and wait for MASTER. i am yours MASTER.
05/31/04
wow. almost the end of may. it's amazing how much has changed since i met my MASTER and became his slave. thinking about it, we were certainly not ready to make the committment we did when we did; but i am very glad we did. i adore my MASTER. yesterday, MASTER actually provided me with my first picture of him; a wonderful gift. i was thinking about a coupld of online relationships i've had before; as soon as the pictures got sent things got much to real for me and i would disappear. MASTER sending me his picture made things more real than they were and it makes me very happy; i truly want MASTER to be my MASTER always - in all of my life.
i miss MASTER. i haven't gotten to spend much time alone with him for a couple of days. i'm not worried, just lonely for him. i have had fun getting to play with him in "public" online though. of course, with the current situation, i have to pretend like we don't have a relationship (very hard to do) but i've kind of made a game to see what i can get away with without anyone noticing. occasionally i call him sir and i use different expressions when i talk to him than anyone else, but nobody notices; it's really a lot of fun. MASTER doesn't seem to mind because i am very subtle.
last night (or it could have been today, doesn't matter when) during session, MASTER literally took my life in his hands. i have complete faith in MASTER - he wouldn't really hurt me (a little pain is a good thing though.) i can just relax and be myself with MASTER; the feeling is amazing both physically and emotionally. i enjoyed what MASTER did with me very much. MASTER is very kind and caring with me too, he said he wants to make sure i am never afraid of him; that makes me very happy. i am not afraid of MASTER, but there are certainly times when i cringe and hold my breath, knowing his wrath is coming. although i haven't known MASTER to punish anry, he always protects me.
MASTER asked me this morning if i cybered with someone we met last night (well, i met him last night, MASTER probably knew him beforehand). this seemed like such a silly question. yes, i was drunk (although not as drunk as i played to be) and MASTER knows that when i'm drunk i become a drunken wanton slut; now i am his slut. i am only MASTER's, i have no desire for anyone else. i think i talked a few days ago about manogomy, it has certainly been on my mind. it always seemed so silly and now i have no desire to fuck anyone but MASTER. even if MASTER didn't demand it, this would be my choice. i, of course, do not expect anything from MASTER including this. i do not even ask for it; i would never try to make any of MASTER's decisions for him including this one.
i so wanted to see my MASTER tonight. there are things on my mind that i had hoped he would allow me to talk about with him:
this afternoon, there was a girl online who called him MASTER. it seemed like a joke, but i was hoping MASTER would tell me if he had other slaves. there is nothing i could do about it or would even try to do about it, but i would like to know. of course, MASTER never has any responsibility to answer any of my questions.
i also wanted to make sure MASTER knows that i'm not always completely honest in room chat. i like to play, including exaggerating. i got a little rowdy last night and i think i gave MASTER the picture that i drink hard liquor a lot, this is a big exaggeration. i've drank all the stuff i talk about (moonshine, appple jack etc.) but it's not a habit by any stretch of the imagination. i just hope MASTER can understand that since i cannot acknowledge him in public, i'm different than i am when i am really with him; i have more defenses up out of necessity.
of course, there is the ever-present issue of my husband. i need to explain that relationship to MASTER. i've asked HIS permission to tell *him about MASTER and he has not granted it. i am not trying to force MASTER's hand as to giving me this permission, but i want to know that MASTER is making the decision knowing why i am asking and what i truly feel; it is not fair to MASTER to ask him to make this decision without knowing everything. there is still the worry of what he said yesterday about this, "not until MASTER is more certain". is MASTER uncertain about me?
i know, i think too much and talk too much. i am working on the latter of these. i will always think too much, i always have. i am learning to let go of some of these things until MASTER is ready to talk about them. although MASTER's uncertainty worries me, it is mostly out of my mind; i can't ignore it completely but i'm learning to live on MASTER's time rather than my own. i have trust and faith in MASTER and i know that he will allow me time to tell him my fears; he always makes them better. it seems so easy for him to do that. when MASTER gives me an answer, i am able to simply accept it without questioning it.
i think it's so sweet and funny that MASTER is so worried about me cheating on him. i have been in open relationships most of my life and anyone else would always have had cause to consider that i could be cheating on them; MASTER is the only one who can satisfy me now. i need to give him my complete submission, including not giving myself to anyone else. interesting words i just chose, i've never talked about giving myself to anyone before; it has always been fucking. fucking is now out of my life unless it is with MASTER in which case it is more. with MASTER i truly give myself to him. i have given myself to him; this is not a gift that i have to keep "rewrapping" for him; he owns me through and through. i have given myself to MASTER and now i am his. i am MASTER's slave to do with as he pleases; i am happy to serve MASTER and please him. i know MASTER has also worried about me finding another MASTER; this would also never happen. i have only been in one other d/s relationship, but have had a few isolated experiences with doms as well. the way MASTER took control of me and still hasn't let go is overwhelming. i feel free to be myself with MASTER; he has given me that freedom. he controls me, his strength runs through me - i can always feel him with me. i wasn't even looking for a d/s relationship, or a relationship of any kind for that matter, certainly not a MASTER when he found me. perhaps this is why MASTER is worried, because i hadn't planned on finding him; maybe he worries it will happen again. it can't happen again MASTER. you are my MASTER. for me, that's that. you are my MASTER; there is no possibility for another. even if you, someday, decide to release your slave (trade in this toaster for a newer model :) i will never have another MASTER. you are and will always be my only MASTER. there never could be another. i am your slave MASTER. i am yours - heart, mind, body, and soul. you own me. i adore and love you MASTER - you are the only MASTER my heart will ever know.
to return
home
other months
my punishment