My Punishment

last night i made an entry about the punishment MASTER has prescribed for me. i thought that these entries deserve their own page. all this may be moved back to the main journal later. i have repeated last night's entry as the first entry here.

05/17/04 latenight

these next four days will make a lot of or some very long entries.

earlier i mentioned being punished yesterday by MASTER not allowing me in his presense for an hour. tonight a made a grave mistake while we were having a session. i stood while walking towards him; MASTER was sitting; i put myself above MASTER. this was a lapse in judgement, but a very bad one.i am paying for this mistake gravely. MASTER is not allowing me to speak to him until Friday and, obviously depriving me of his touch and anything sexual until the time he sees fit which i am assured will be at least Friday night.

i will certainly never forget this lesson and will never make this mistake again. i have learned my lesson. my four day punishment has been going on for less than two hours and i am in agony and have certainly learned my lesson. i know that MASTER has more in mind for me than this though. i know there is a larger issue at hand here: respect. if i do not show MASTER proper respect, i am disrespecting everything he is, everything he does for me, and everything he is working so hard for; i would never mean to disrespect MASTER. i have already learned from this punishment that whether it is intentional or not there is never any excuse to disrespect MASTER in any way. i will never disrespect MASTER again and i will try very hard to never disappoint him again.

i am having trouble with this point it seems. i have upset him everyday for three days and it rips my heart out. MASTER deserves better. he deserves more obedience than that. all i live for is to please MASTER and when i fail, it tortures me.

believe me, i know that i am not the only one to suffer when i force MASTER to punish me, especially like this. i understand that MASTER will suffer to, if not in the obvious physical ways i will. he will suffer the same emotional turmoil i do, maybe more. i know it tortures him when his slave does not obey him or respect him. i understand the sacrifice my MASTER makes to help me become a better slave and to keep me in-line. thank you MASTER for your sacrafice.

i'm sure MASTER knows how sorry i am and since i am not allowed to speak to him until Friday when he comes to me, i will not even begin to make my apologies here.

i have had tears rolling down my face since this punishment began and they don't appear to be stopping anytime soon. my heart and soul ache for upsetting MASTER; i am certainly learning a grave lesson. my body aches for MASTER's touch; even my body knows who it's MASTER is (other than last night gd another time displeasing MASTER).

even in punishment, MASTER is loving. i spoke when i shouldn't have when he was telling me my punishment and i'm sure that is part of why my punishment is so severe, i asked him if he was trying to break my spirit and, although i am paying for my outburst he made sure i knew the answer to my question before forcing me out of his presense. Whether he had done this or not, i know MASTER loves me; he has shown me that many times.

even without being near MASTER, or being able to communicate with him, i can still feel his strength flowing through me proving just how ridiculous my question to him was. for asking the question and nothing else, i will apologize here: i'm so sorry MASTER for doubting your motives.

realizing this makes me feel even worse. i know my MASTER is only doing what he must. i believe in my MASTER completely. i will never doubt him again. i suffer so much when i am not allowed to be near him that i let myself begin questioning MASTER; i will not let this happen again.

thank your for loving me enough to show me the path MASTER. i am yours MASTER: heart, mind, body, and soul; you own them all.

05/18/04 6:15 am

i've only slept fitfully through the night, waking up periodcally, my subconscious mind forcing me to look for MASTER. i feel empty without MASTER. i've finally stopped crying; but it is only because i've cried all the tears i can make right now.

i saw MASTER online, i truly hope he is not suffering too much from having to punish me. i realize i am meant to suffer, but i know i do not do it alone. my guess is that MASTER can't sleep either.

i don't think i know anything new since last night - i am suffering, truly suffering - tortured. this is one lesson i will never forger.

i do hope, for MASTER's sake that i can take my punishment with dignity and grace. no matter what i do, my actions reflect on MASTER and i hope that i can at least give him this. i know how displeased he is with me and as much as i am suffering, i just hope i can find a way to take my punishment like a good slave - without emberrassing MASTER. *crying again.

i know that if there is anyone else reading this (which i doubt at this point, but someone will later i'm sure) you are wondering why MASTER punishes me in this way rather than with pain - i would gladly accept any pain from MASTER if that is what he desired. i enjoy seeing (or knowing he is) MASTER enjoy himself like that. i do know, however, that MASTER has the capability to do much worse to his slave, and i will never forget that power. i know i would really suffer at his hands if i ever angered him enough. i certainly never plan to get him there. my MASTER knows that i will accept and enjoy however he treats me and that i enjoy his torture of me - submitting myself completely to his will. MASTER does whip and paddle (hard) to remind me HE is MASTER; it has not seemed worth mentioning. i accept MASTER's dominance over me - i welcome it.

MASTER is very strong to be able to punish me like this. i respect his strength and power. MASTER - you own me; you own all of me. i adore you MASTER. thank you for your strength MASTER.

05/18/04 1:23 pm

MASTER, as is everthing i have put on this webpage as well as everything else in my life, this diary entry is for you. i hope you will understand it not being aobut you.

my punishment has had me looking to the ghosts of my life before MASTER for comfort. this was a mistake - they have only made me more aware of the absence of his presence at the moment. they have also, simply by being near, made me think about the situation MASTER and i have created. for any of you reading this, here it is: MASTER and i are both married, since before we met. he said at the very beginning that he doesn't know what will come of us because he loves his wife. i acknowledged this and said i love my husband as well. here is the rest of the story for you MASTER. i know i am not allowed to communicate with you but thought i would give you this information so you could know what i am thinking and how your slave feels.

my marriage is not yet legal. we had a private ceremony five years, without the whole to-do of a wedding ceremony, or the legalities of one. our official public wedding is planned for October 2 of this year. i know with all my heart that i cannot go through with it. MASTER owns every piece of me and i can not get into something where i will be lieing next to another man every night. i know i have to tell *him, but i do not know how to do it. he and i have loved each other since we were 8 years old, riding bikes together. we have gone through all the milestones of growing up together. it breaks my heart (do not worry, my heart is still MASTER's and he owns it in a way that could never be broken) to know that i have to hurt him. he has been my best friend all my life. we have made plans for a life together and until i found my MASTER i would have been happy with them. MASTER you must know that part of him will always be with me, but i am yours completely. MASTER, i trust you to make the decision that is best. i will follow whatever decision you make. i request a couple of months to decide how to do this MASTER. there will be no wedding, unless MASTER tells me to go ahead with it. i could not do that to my MASTER. it would be the biggest lie of my life. i also know that if i truly love my husband, i will be honest with him and not allow him to live a lie for the rest of his life either; i know now that it would be a miserable marriage for all involved. i have one other admission to make to MASTER: i have a tattoo on my ring finger that was meant to be my wedding ring to him. i know that MASTER will decide what is right to do - i have committments beyond marriage to *him, i don't want to ruin his life in the process of leaving him. MASTER - i trust that you will bring up this situation when it pleases you to do so and i will explain fully at that point. i would like to apologize to you MASTER for writing so much about *him on YOUR webpage. please forgive me MASTER.

soon i will be free to be MASTER's completely, with no worry of anyone in my life knowing. i belong to you MASTER - mind, heart, body, and soul. thank you for accepting my submission to you MASTER. i will be free to follow all of MASTER's orders, free to phone and meet if and when he decides it is the right time. if MASTER decides there is no right time for this, i will accept that without question as well. i adore you MASTER. i love you MASTER. i am yours.

i am certainly learning a lot from this punishment MASTER. i am certainly learning respect for my MASTER, something i thought i understood but am getting quite a lesson in. my heart aches for your presence MASTER and my body aches for your touch. MASTER has reached inside of me and taken over all of me. i can feel his energy pulsate through me all the time; he never completely leaves me even when he removes himself from my presence. i think if he seperated himself completely from me i would die - MASTER has taken over my heart, mind, body, and soul. i can not exist without him. MASTER has taken every part of me, examined it, and taken it for his own. i am left only with the need to serve, to make MASTER happy. i love you MASTER. i adore you MASTER. i am yours forever. thank you MASTER.

05/18/04 4:35 pm

i have to write again. emotion for MASTER is overflowing and i have nowhere to put it right now except here. i can't believe that this is still only the first day of my punishment; it has been less than 24 hours. my stomach is in knots, i feel like i am going to be sick. my heart is aching worse than ever. this is such torture, and not the good kind MASTER puts me through during session. i've been wandering - lost since MASTER began my punishment. i have been trying to distract myself but it doesn't help. nothing helps. i need my MASTER. my heart, mind, body, and soul are all in pain, wanting their MASTER back.

the people (a.k.a. ghosts) that i have been around today have all said that they are surprised i am taking the death of my grandmother this hard. i'm not. i am in mourning from the want of my MASTER. MASTER is all there is. MASTER owns me.

05/18/04 8:34 pm

i've been crying again, for quite some time. this is the worst feeling i have ever had in my life. i can not stand it; i am certainly learning my lesson.

i went out with my mother tonight and she is one sharp lady. she is the first person to say anything about my collar (very subtle - looks like a necklace but is still a collar). she knew it meant something, but didn't know what. she also knew there was something going on with me and my husband. i told her i was thinking that i may not be able to go through with the wedding, so i have taken the first step in becoming completely my MASTER's. this, at least, feels good. i could not yet bring myself to tell her about my MASTER; that will not be a pleasent conversation, but when MASTER decides it is time i will have the conversation without hesitation.

i can feel my MASTER's torment. i know this is not easy for him either. i hate that i caused my MASTER to have to punish me this way; i would never want to displease or hurt MASTER. i am tortured. i will certainly never disrespect MASTER again.

before i sign off for the night i need to say one thing to my MASTER: i want you to know that by saying what i am, i am in no way trying to force your hand; i have a tortured soul and this is what comes of it. thank you MASTER for allowing me to have this website to pour my heart into. MASTER - i am yours.

05/18/04 9:02 pm

i finished the last entry just a few moments ago, but thought i should add something to it.

this punishment is severe and harsh and tearing me apart, but i need to pay homage to the way my MASTER makes me feel in general

my MASTER has filled me with peace. i have never had that before - i have always always been in turmoil. MASTER gives me a feeling of peace i have never felt before. he also quiets my mind - focusing me on him. my mind has gone at 100 miles an hour since i turned 13 years old and has never stopped. MASTER calms my mind and sets my soul at peace.

i have always been a very strong woman, learned from my mother and have tended to dominate in most of my relationships with men and women. MASTER understands my need to be dominated - to give myself completely to him. MASTER gives me what i have always needed. thank you MASTER. i have complete faith in my MASTER to choose the path that is right for us. MASTER owns all of me - my heart, mind, body, and soul (you'll hear me use variations on this little expression all the time if you haven't noticed, my MASTER enjoys hearing it and it has become like a mantra to me). i love you MASTER! thank you MASTER! i am yours!

0518/04 10:53 pm

this will be the first day in a while that MASTER and i have not sessioned. i am on fire, burning, yearning for MASTER's touch. i can hardly concentrate because of it. my brain is all fuzzy, the way it gets only for MASTER. i would never dream of breaking my punishment, but this is painful. ooooohhhhh, i need my MASTER. no, that's not right. MASTER provides for all my needs; MASTER would never leave a true need unmet. but my body is aching for MASTER's touch; his strength overwhelms me.

it has been one day. one down, three to go. the thought exhausts me. i hope that at least my MASTER is pleased with my journal, knowing what is in my heart, the heart that is his. MASTER i completely respect you. i will never disrespect you again.

05/19/04 5:42 am

can't seem to sleep more than 4 hours without waking up repeating my MASTER's name. two days in a row i've done that. maybe it's more like moaning his name; even in sleep i'm tortured. i haven't dreampt of MASTER in two nights. before punishment, i was dreaming of MASTER at night. i'm sure i will after, but MASTER controls me even as i sleep. i'm sure MASTER wouldn't want me dreaming about him during punishment, so i don't, but it just makes this that much harder.

my intent in these diary entries is not just to pity myself, but to. . . i don't know really. but i know that with this all being dedicated to MASTER, i must be honest about how i feel, how i'm coping, everything. so of course my purpose is, as always, to please MASTER.

being able to say this again brings a tiny bit of joy back into my heart. logically i know that my punishment will end, but logic is of no comfort now. i feel as though i've been tortured for weeks. this is a different feeling, the time dragging on and on; since i found my MASTER time has sped up dramatically. when MASTER is pleased with me, it can get to be midnight very quickly, when it really shouldn't be yet.

if anyone who reads this (not likely yet :) thinks this punishment is too harsh, remember: i earned it. to disrespect my MASTER is the worst thing i could have done. if there is something worse i hope i never have to find out what it is. there is no reason for me, a slave, to defend MASTER, i know that he is capable of doing that himself, otherwise he wouldn't be my MASTER. i have complete faith in his decisions. i follow MASTER's will, knowing he will guide us in the right direction. thank you MASTER!

05/19/04 6:40 am

i've just had an IM conversation with a sub, not a slave, and i got to tell this person all about my reasons for being a slave and about my MASTER (nothing revealing MASTER, how you make me feel etc.) and now have some of the joy my MASTER gives me in my heart again.

MASTER: i hope this does not go against my punishment, i would never disobey you intentionally. i would never have had this conversation with a dom MASTER. i know how disrespectful that would be, essentially cheating; and that would be the worst thing i could do to my MASTER. i don't see where this is against anything MASTER has told me, not to say that MASTER cannot have tenants i do not yet know about. i would never assume to decide or know my MASTER's decisions until they are revealed to me.

i am still tortured - MASTER is still displeased with me and i am still being punished, but i have been reminded of the joy MASTER gives me. thank you MASTER! i adore you MASTER! you are, in every sense of the word, my MASTER.

05/19/04 7:20 am

i must add one thing for my MASTER. if MASTER wishes to know anything about any conversations i have, i will tell him without hesitation.

05/19/04 9:00 am

i guess i have a lot on my mind this morning; MASTER probably knew i would. i have one more thing to think about. i have not even seen MASTER online; i knew he would not speak to me, but this feels so strange, not knowing he is there. i expected to know he was there, even if i am not allowed to be near him. i suppose this is because of my punishment; MASTER doesn't want me to have the comfort of knowing he is there. right now i'm numb. i feel so empty and am craving my MASTER's presense so hard that i've just gone numb. this is how i spent a lot of my life before MASTER. i'm sure i'll start thinking about MASTER again soon and cry. i never want to have to go through this again. i will never disrespect MASTER again. i want to make my apologies to my MASTER, but it would not be right to do it here, for i am not allowed to speak to him at all. that would be sneaky and i would not want to do that to MASTER. i must take my punishment with dignity, i am a reflection of my MASTER always. i have a wonderful MASTER and i want to show that. thank you MASTER.

05/19/04 10:16 am

this will be my last entry until tomorrow night. i will not have access to a computer while attending the services for my grandmother. i want to take this opportunity to leave everything on a happy note. yes, i am still tortured beyond reason, but that is secondary to the joy MASTER brings me. yes, i still yearn for his touch, and only his touch, but i will survive this too, if a little uncomfortably.

MASTER is a strong, powerful, and kind MASTER. he takes care of my needs and is teaching me what is and is not a need. MASTER has changed my life. i can no longer imagine life without serving my MASTER; although i realize he has the option to release me at any time - i hope he doesn't. MASTER is a part of my very being - he has taken the gift i gave him and made it his own; making his presence known throughout every part of me. his strength overwhelms me; i am unable to resist. i would never want to resist my MASTER. MASTER owns me - all of my - my heart, mind, body, and soul. i know he treasures me as a prized possession. MASTER provides for my needs. my joy comes from serving MASTER. he has brought peace to my heart, taking all of the torment into himself. i can feel his strength and power wash over me from over the miles. i truly adore and love you MASTER. thank you for accepting my submission to you MASTER. my submission is not a gift i have to keep giving - it is something he owns. i follow your will without question my MASTER. i submit without are my MASTER completely.

07/19/04 11:48 pm

i have been with my family all day due to my grandmother's visitation. i felt nothing; it seems sad to me. i have been thinking a lot about what security and committment are worth giving up and what is worth giving up security and committment. of course i am talking about whether i should leave my husband for an uncertain future with MASTER or not.

of course the answer to this question is that it is not up to me at all. this is MASTER's decision. this has brought peace back to my life and my soul is calm again.

i know that MASTER will always take care of me and will do what is best for us. thank you MASTER for allowing me to submit to you and for dominating me. i love you MASTER. you provide for all my needs, even with an uncertain future. i trust your decisions completely MASTER.

to prove that i am willing to do anything to please my MASTER - this is being written on my father's computer with all four of my siblings, my father, and my sister-in-law in the room. thank you MASTER.

07/20/04 09:12 pm

well, i am finally back from my grandmother's funeral; which only made my punishment that much worse. not necessarily for losing my grandmother (she was 87 and very sick) but because of all the family stuff. i did have one big surprise while i was there, my stepbrother came and i haven't seen him in years; it was a very nice surprise (he was my first crush, of course that's been over for years, but i still care). i had planned on coming home and making this entry all about how i've felt over the last two days, since i could only make a stinted entry last night and don't think i really said anything at all, but i have something better to talk about.

MASTER emailed me. he is allowing me a few hours of feeling his presence by giving me an order i am happy to carry out. MASTER created a new email address, just for me and even used my name in it. i am very honored. i had hoped MASTER would create an email i could use for him, but i never imagined he would honor me so. thank you MASTER. MASTER makes me feel very special.

i am so relieved that today is Thursday, day 3 is over and done; there is only one day left of my punishment. i have a hugely long and awful day ahead of me tomorrow, but knowing that MASTER will end my punishment tomorrow is a great relief. i look forward to finally being able to make my apologies to MASTER. i have certainly learned my lesson from this awful punishment. i will never, never, never disrespect my MASTER again. MASTER has earned even more respect because he has not backed down. i am, after all, a very strong woman. i proved that today by getting into it with my aunt (grrrrrr), something even my dad won't do. i would, of course, never behave like that with MASTER. i also understand why MASTER had to punish me this harshly; sometimes it takes something extreme to teach me my lesson. i am thankful that MASTER is patient with me and is willing to dominate me and allows me to submit to him; i don't think many could handle me. thank you MASTER.

as MASTER expected, this has been very hard on me physically as well as mentally, spiritually, and in every other way possible. my body has been aching for MASTER so much today. my hormones are like pain waves, they instantly appear and i just have to stop and wait for them to go away. even as i type i can feel my pulse in my pussy.

whoooo, ok, can't think about that. oh i'm glad to be home and able to wait for my MASTER properly. thank you for being my master, MASTER. i adore you MASTER.

yes yes i know, very little about my tortured soul and aching heart. that goes without saying. i am calming some, knowing i will be able to speak with MASTER tomorrow and make my true, sincere apologies. i can say i will absolutely never again disrespect my MASTER.

07/21/04 9:48 am

i have come to realize that today hardly counts as part of my punishment. i am too excited about it being over tonight. MASTER probably had to make it this long so i would be miserable for most of it. all i can think about is the fact that tonight my punishment will be over and i can be close to MASTER once again; last night he even confirmed that it would be over today.

i finally got to tell someone about MASTER, one of my friends who i never would have thought to tell, but who insisted on knowing what i was so excited about. i'm so at peace with my MASTER. thank you MASTER.

i know, not really anything new to say, but just had to share my excitement.

07/21/04 12:45 pm

well, it has certainly been an interesting morning. first i told a friend that i knew would never understand MASTER and me and she understood. she actually got really excited thinking about it, asked me if she could watch. (sorry sweetie, but this is a diary). after talking to her, i was still giggling and smiling like a schoolgirl so another friend wanted to know and when i said i am a slave, she totally understood everything. interesting the people that know about things you wouldn't expect, not that anyone expects me to be a slave, except for my MASTER. i like the looks of recognition i get when i play with my stand-in collar; i know i'll have a lot more when the real one comes in, even though it is still very subdued and you wouldn't know what it is unless you know what it is. i even found out about a fantasy party. amazing what happens when you are honest (don't worry MASTER, i have not revealed your secret identity to anyone). i love people knowing that i am your slave; the feeling is amazing even when it's only a couple of people. i love having new people to talk about you with and us with.

well, i was thinking earlier how happy i am that *he doesn't do anything with my personal credit card. for the past two weeks, among a few other entries, there are three charges for Priscilla's (the sex store in the city) and one for a collar from i don't know how i would explain that one. "gee honey, i just decided to go out and buy a butt plug and some lube *grin*" that would go over well. just thought this would make for some very interesting conversation.

i may not be tortured so much anymore as excited, but i am craving MASTER's touch so much now, knowing it is so close. i have been good though, for four days, and have not played with any of my new (or old) toys, haven't watched any cheap choppy online porno or anything. it wouldn't have done what i wanted anyway, submitting to MASTER is much more intense than masturbating and more than it has ever been with anyone else. cumming for MASTER is more than just a physical release; i can feel MASTER all through me when i cum for him. ok, i can't talk about this anymore (again), it's too hard after four days of no contact. i yearn for you MASTER.

even my brain is on hyper mode today, everything is all jumbled (but in a good way). i was thinking earlier that i seem to have opened a few cans of worms during my punishment, i know that they will all be worked out in time. i'm in no rush, just excited to be nearing the end of my punishment. ok, i know i'm babbling (excited, grinning little schoolgirl) so i'll end here. i love you MASTER! i adore you MASTER! i am yours MASTER!

05/21/04 10:05 pm

ok, well punishment is finally over, as MASTER promised. this will be my last entry in this diary of my punishment, i will now be going back to my main May2004 diary. i can feel his presense with me once again.

MASTER told me he is proud of me, for accepting my punishment and not fighting. i must say i'm proud of me too. it means a lot to me for my MASTER to say things like that to me. he also said, for the second time that he loves me. that warms me, heart, body, and soul. (i'm not begging MASTER, but this is a diary for not just you, although it is mostly for you.) i feel so calm and at peace now. thank you MASTER.

MASTER had me resubmit myself to him tonight. we have both learned a lot about what a collaring ceremony means since we performed it and i think that it was good for it to be reaffirmed. i feel like such a woman, so feminine and, i don't know womanly, when MASTER has me kneel like that for him, with my legs spread. i love the thought of kneeling in front of MASTER like that, every part of me accessible to him. it makes me feel more like a woman than anything else. i wish i could see the look in my MASTER's eyes, with him seeing me completely submitting to him in that way. i adore you MASTER. i am yours.

to return

may 2004