Update
There are times that things become unbearably hard. Days where the lonliness seems to get the better of me. Moments when sadness engulfs me and depression threatens to rear its ugly head. It's very hard keeping focused on the positive when my whole life seems balanced on the future, and time my enemy. The ache that sometimes takes possession of my body can at times be so overwhelming and the void that has filled my heart while I wait to be reunited with you threatens to rip my heart apart.
"You are never given a wish without also been given the power to make it true.
Words are words Words are words, or so some say to those they wont believe
Words mean nothing when no matter what is said is lost
How long can I keep saying words when you don’t want to hear?
But, the knowing that this is only temporary is what keeps me going. The knowing that we are facing months merely in a life time is what has me hanging on. There is no doubt in my mind, but absolute positivity that I know where I am heading. Never before in my life, have I been more sure of anything than this that I want. Never before has anything made more sense than this.
Days feel like weeks, weeks feel like months, and months will inevitably feel like years. But when we look back, we will see that time was the only thing we needed to wait for.
I know the yearning, I know the pain. I know it so well now I could have invented it. But its nothing, compared to what we will have when we are together again. Its merely a hiccup now. And as hard as it feels right now, as impossible as it may seem. Nothing is too hard, nothing is an impossibility once you are determined enough. And determination is something I have in abundance. We will be together my love, perhaps not soon enough, but sooner than you think.
You may have to work for it however."
~~© Richard Bach~~
~~Illusions~~
Words are words, and nothing more, if trying to deceive
Words mean nothing, to no one, when not coming from the heart
And words could soon destroy a love by pulling it apart
To those who refuse to believe in them no matter what the cost
Words are lost to those that do not give their love complete
And lost to those who do not trust and to those they do mistreat
How long can I keep holding on, when you won’t pull me near?
How long can ours, a love so pure, survive the test of time?
When all you say, are ‘words are words’ and all I do is try.
~~© Bernadette~~
04/06/2001
My Heart
Where are you, oh heart, devoid of trust and faith and hope?
What happened oh heart, to make you turn from the ones that promised hope?
Let go oh heart, and allow the blanket of trust to envelope you
Come here oh heart and let me hold you close
You stand exposed to those you love
Yet torture them with fear
You yearn for love, you yearn for trust
Yet push away those who come near
Oh heart, you stand like icy stone
Yet burning with desire
The walls too high, the walls too thick
The battle lost, a dying fire.
Let go oh heart, and allow yourself to drown
Celebrate the death of insecurity
Celebrate the death of mistrust
Celebrate the rise to truth and unconditional unity
Let me show you what its all about
What happened, oh heart, to make you mistrust me so?
Allow the innocence of untainted love to take over
Come closer oh heart, and never let me go.
~~© Bernadette~~
04/06/2001
Funny how I keep looking at my watch. Once again converting time in my head. These last 3 weeks have been so wonderful my love. Spoiling me, making me comfortable in my little time zone with no cares about anyone elses. I keep checking to see if you're home. Wondering what you're doing now. Oh how I miss you so much already.
Come closer
My baby, come closer and show me your face
My baby, look up and know that I care
My baby, come closer and don’t look away
My baby, don’t worry, for soon we will be
Life seems to constantly deal us a crappy hand doesn't it? We may seem to be suckers for punishment but just to sample at the pleasures of our togetherness, if only for a little while, makes all the tears and all the heartache, somehow bearable. Somehow.
Its the home stretch now.
Come closer and touch me and fill up this place
Take my hand and walk with me and don’t let me go
And we’ll be together, forever, I know.
Look up and remember I’ll always be there
To love you, to hold you and show you my love
Our lives fit completely, as if like a glove.
For I am here today and forever to stay
Though the miles may be many, and the road sometimes hard
The miles that’s been covered, we cannot discard
Together, forever, as its meant to be
Come closer, embrace me and put on a smile
Though apart for the moment, ‘tis only for a while.
~~© Bernadette~~
13/07/2001
- I've learnt the people will surprise you and sometimes shock you. Those you trusted and respected may quite easily be the ones to stab you in your back, and those you considered strangers, will often turn out to be your rock.
- I've learnt that patience is truly a virtue. Sometimes, no matter how badly you want something you have to resign yourself to wait. All the best things in life come to those that wait, and that is no cliché.
- I've learnt that there are things in life that are truly petty, and ought to be put away or thrown out as petty. When in life, there are so many important issues to deal with, anytime arguing over the petty, is precious time wasted.
- I have learnt not to judge people. Niether by their actions nor their words. The only one who's happiness I have any say over is my own. And by not judging others, I will not lend an ear to those that gossip about me. Only I can make my own decisions and no one else can be held responsible for them.
- I've learnt that my mother is not only my mother but also my best friend. I've learnt that even though she may not always agree with that which I do or say, she will always stand behind me and be there for me. I only hope that one day my children will see that same person in me.
- I've learnt that nothing just falls into your lap. If there are things in your life that you want, you need to fight and/or work for it. Those of us who have dreams should realise that as long as we are only dreaming and not acting, they will always remain only dreams.
- I've learnt that life is not easy and that everything depends on your outlook to things. The road of life is filled with holes and pitfalls and if I should stay down once I've fallen into one, life will only trample me as it passes me by. One needs to get straight up, dust one's self off and carry on, keeping eyes steadfastly focused ahead.
- I've learnt that nobody lives forever and that each and everyone of us will ultimately die. Saying this we are reminded that we only have one life. What decisions we make and how we choose to live our lives will all result in either our happiness or unhappiness.
- I've learnt that its useless holding onto the past. Memories, trinkets or souvenirs, will only hold us back and make it that much harder to move on. Every waking day should be embraced as a new start.
- I've learnt not to be afraid of change. Some of the biggest decisions in our lives involve huge, life altering decisions. Making these changes, no matter how scary sometimes, may be the best move you ever made.
- In saying that, i've also learnt that nothing in this life is gauranteed. That most times we live in uncertainty of what the outcome of our choices may be. But always remember, spending the rest of your life wondering "what if i had..." is no better and perhaps even worse than picking up and starting over. And by starting over and learning from your mistakes, you gain valuable life experience.
- I've learnt to smile at myself, to recognise that nobody is perfect and without fault, least of all me. To realise that I do make mistakes, will make many more, but to recognise them and to deal with them.
- Lastly, i've learnt that no matter how old I get, I will never stop learning the valuable lessons that life has to give me.
~~Bernadette~~
It's all becoming a reality now. Things are starting to happen, yet I know, once this part has been completed, it will be another waiting game. I'm watching as strangers are removing my things. Watching as my material posessions are be carried out through my front door. It feels so strange. I can't really say how I feel. There is that expected lump in my throat, my brain going, "hold on, whats this?" The questions in my own mind and the questions I can see in the eyes of my children. Whats going on here? Its very weird. But, i'm keeping my head. I'm not dwelling on this, I merely want this to get behind me. I'm keeping my eyes focused on the future. My future with you. Our new start, our new life. Lets face it, nobody ever said this would be easy. And for the first time, I realise what anybody who has emmigrated before has gone through. Its not childs play. But for happiness, sometimes one has to make sacrifices. And there is not contest between true happiness and material posessions.
Zimbabwe
Barren land, where are your dreams?
Oh barren land, your people
Oh barren land, you’re starving
Oh barren land I hear you.
Next week, i will be moving out of my house, moving back home to my parents. Yet another new beginning eh?
When I thought 2000 was going to be a brand new start for me, it seems 2001 is the real new beginning. And 2002? Well, another new one. Thats when you are I become united forever, and we become a new family. Heres to the next 5 months, to the good times ahead and the bad lonely ones. Theres no going back now.
They came and they destroyed
They took your heart and raped it
And with your soul they toyed.
Are crying out in pain.
The system you must live by,
Is now your tears and shame
Your livestock slain and killed
Your growing fields forgotten
The blood of your farmers spilled
I hear your calls and cries
I see the total chaos
And I watch as your heart dies.
~~© Bernadette~~
23/08/2001
