Sleep so deep the dreams will not come
The dreams I live for, my only sustenance
Six hours of death have I been through
To wake empty of all but tears
My eyes swollen with the flood
My arms aching to hold you
My body cold and dying for you
There is a pain in my heart like nothing I've ever known
The anguish of knowing you're not there
Feeling I've lost you, before even knowing you
A chance scattered by time and distance
Six years I've lived alone and never felt lonely
Yet this morning I know it, I feel it
So deeply I can feel the wound bleeding
My soul scarred in ways I fear won't heal
This pain is so vivid, eating me alive from within
The longing just to look into your eyes
To see your lips curve into that soft smile
To feel your fingertips trace my skin
So simple a craving, so pure
I am at the core now, the essence of knowing
Myself, my desires, my needs
And everything focused in a yearning for you
Waking alone with an ache so deep inside me
That nothing can touch it
My words come but bring no comfort
This is an exorcism of my pain but it will not pass
Nothing can change until I see you myself
Until I wake to feel your arms around me
And see that shimmering light in your eyes
Lit only for love of me
I yearn for that day, my moment of salvation
And the fear is so strong that it is already gone
There have been days when I have felt you so close
When it seemed you held me, you were me
In my blood, in my veins, sharing my vision
Only yesterday I felt borne up by your love
However distant, I could hope and I could dream
Yet today, bitter and cold and lost I woke
And I wept as though my own soul had died
How do I carry on without you?
How can my faith sustain me now?
When I have bitten to the centre of my own fear
And tasted only tears
How do I lift myself back up to the light of hope?
My arms have never felt so heavy
Yet so empty of purpose
My heart lies cold as stone in my chest
Yet weeping its tears of blood still
A pain radiating out every second
What has changed?
What have you done?
Is this just my fear, or have you made it now
Impossible for us to come together
By joining yourself to another in bonds
Even I cannot break?
My heart tells me what I fear to admit
That once again my chance has flown away
But is it just the Valentine's fear again
Back to haunt me now I know what I most want?
That day when men become fools for love
And forget to listen to the urging of their souls
But fall into the traps of the now
Settle for the presence of one they already know
And cease looking for the one who comes in dreams
I pray that nothing has changed for us
I pray that the chance remains open to us
I cannot contemplate my life in your shadow
I, who lived so long in darkness, now crave your light
Somehow I must continue to hope
The tears must pass
My heart must beat again
This agony cannot continue
With every atom of my being I yearn for you
And I must hope that the world will for once be kind
And not take you from me before we have even shared
One moment, one morning, one lifetime
You, the heart of my soul, the soul of my heart
Let me find you again...
[15th February 2009]
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