Slowly the memory of what had taken place in the living room earlier that evening recalled itself to her mind and a single tear fell from her cheek. The Monkees were going back to 1967, and she was loosing the man she had begun to love. She never even got to tell him how she felt.
Adriana suddenly felt the urge to go outside. She knew it would be cold, but she had to get out there. Out on the deck, gazing up at the stars was the only place she could ever find solace, if it was even possible for her to find any.
She put back on the clothes she wore that evening. Her black sporty pants with the white stripes up the sides, her black sweat shirt/jacket, her black boots, and her dark green snow jacket that matched her eyes. She left her hair down and glanced in the mirror. It was tousled, but she didn't care. There was nobody to impress. Adriana then opened the door and tiptoed into the living room, and careful not to wake Micky on the couch, slid open the door to the deck and walked out into the cold December night air.
Shutting the door quietly behind her, Adriana walked over to the edge of the deck and looked up at the stars. "They're all so beautiful," she thought as she gazed at the night sky.
So many thoughts rolled around in her mind as she stood there on that cold Christmas Eve morning. She shut her eyes and remembered all of the fun times she had had with Mike, Peter, Micky, and Davy.
Micky and Mike had convinced the others to get up and try again later on. Adriana thought she actually might have had her footing, if it wasn't for a baby bunny getting in her path, causing her to swerve and fall.
Sighing, she remembered looking up from the ground and into the concerned eyes of the one she had fallen in love with these past months.
"Thank you," she had said. They were now face to face. She realized how tall he was, and how for once she didn't feel like the giant. Adriana had always been self-conscious about being tall, but looking at him, she could not have been happier about the height she was. She was about eye level with his nose, and just by tilting her head back a little bit, she could look straight into his eyes.
The two of them stood like that for a long time. In reality, it probably wasn't too long, but soon the wind began to blow and a soft snow began to fall. She felt his left hand grasping her's tighter, and him releasing her right hand. Slowly, he brought it up to her face. He touched her cheek, and smiling, looked into her eyes. Adriana closed her eyes, savoring the moment.
All of a sudden, Davy's figure came bounding down the hill, crashing into the two, breaking them out of their revere.
He never approached her again after that day. Once and awhile she would catch him looking at her, but as soon as their eyes met, he would look away.
Adriana opened her eyes again and stared into the sky. Clouds began to slowly appear, covering up the stars. "Just like when they have to leave," she thought to herself, tears welling up in her eyes, "I'm going to miss them so much. But I can't be selfish. They don't belong here. I never should have gotten so close. How naive."
She couldn't help but remember the way he looked at her that day. Closing her eyes once again, she began to softly sing one of her favorite songs by Erin O'Donnell. Singing always helped calm her down. It brought her peace.
A word that you spoke, over dinner one night
You looked in my soul
And started to cry
Your words and your tears made my fear melt away
A thing I could not say
I store up these things
A scrapbook of sorts
The moments you bring me to heaven's door
'Cause people like me find it hard to speak
The things they cannot say
The compassion I've seen in your face every time
You see a heart break
And read someone's mind
You give 'till the wound requires no more aid
A thing I could not say
I store up these things
A scrapbook of sorts
The moments you bring me to heaven's door
'Cause people like me find it hard to speak
The things they cannot say
The way that you love me time and again
The way you've become my truest of friends
I may never speak this
Or even show clear
But I am taking notes, my dear
Of the things I cannot say"
She knew that voice. She'd know it anywhere. She slowly turned around to see Micky Dolenz standing there in a pair of sweatpants, a T-shirt, and a pair of tennis shoes.
"Micky," Adriana said trying to hide the fact she was startled by his appearance, "aren't you cold?"
"Yeah," he said, wrapping his arms around himself, "but I had to talk to you and if it means standing out here in the cold, a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do."
She couldn't help but laugh at his false bravado. Adriana looked at him standing across the deck from her. He was not smiling.
"I didn't mean to wake you," she said, turning back to the edge of the deck. "I just needed to come out here and clear my head."
"You don't know how many times I've done that while everybody else was in bed," Micky said, stepping beside her. "It's so peaceful out here."
"Yeah," she agreed, gazing at the stars. She felt her face redden as she recalled what he had said when she had first realized he was outside. "How much did you hear?"
"I heard it all," Micky said, turning to face her. She stayed facing forward, looking out into the distance. "I could only hope that you were thinking about what I was thinking while you sang."
"Micky, I…," Adriana began, turning her face to his.
"Shhh," he whispered, placing two fingers to her lips, "you don't need to say anything. I heard what I needed to hear. The only thing I need to know is if it truly was for me. I remember that day on the slopes. Man, you're face right then has been frozen in my mind ever since. I don't think I've ever seen anything more beautiful."
"Oh, Micky, please don't say that," Adriana said, turning from him.
"Why," asked Micky, "why are you always trying to hide from what you feel?"
"Because," she said with her back to him, "every time I get close to someone, it never works out. Either we both end up disappointed or they have to go."
"I don't have to go," Micky said indignantly.
"Micky, you have to go. I can't be responsible for ruining your life," she said sternly.
"Adrian," he said, putting his hands on her shoulders, "you could never ruin my life. I'd risk being thrown in jail or some mental institution just to stay with you."
"No. All this time I tried to deny what I was beginning to feel for you. I didn't want to hurt Peter. Then, when we worked things out nothing was standing in my way, but fear. Fear that you didn't feel the way I do. I realized on the slopes that day that you really did feel the same. I thought there would be a way. Now that this has happened, I feel hopeless. Like wanting what you can't have. You're going back tomorrow. Going back to that place where you're not even real," she continued with a harsh tone. "Who knows, maybe I've dreamt the whole thing. Maybe you're not even real anyway."
Suddenly Micky grabbed her shoulders and whirled her around to face him. He placed his left hand on the side of her face and looked into her eyes. "Look at me," he demanded. "Look at me."
Adriana looked up at his dark brown eyes. There was a look of seriousness, love, and determination that she had never seen before. "Now," he began, "you tell me if this feels fake."
He kissed her. At first it was a light kiss. She closed her eyes and felt his soft lips lightly touching her own. Then, he pulled away and after looking into her eyes once more, kissed her passionately.
Adriana had never been kissed before. She was nineteen years old, she'd be twenty in January, and she had never been in love, never had a boyfriend, and she wasn't even sure what this was supposed to feel like. But, it was a feeling unlike any other she had ever known. It was like a searing warmth that she could feel starting in her stomach and it traveling all the way down to her toes.
It seemed to last forever. For the first time in her life she finally knew what it was like to feel like you and the one you loved were the only people in the world. Time stopped for Adriana and Micky, but then, it ended.
Adriana pulled away.
"Micky…" she began.
"What," he asked breathlessly, resting his forehead against her's.
"Micky, I can't…" she continued.
"Can't what," he asked, looking at her with those dark brown eyes.
She broke away from him and stood back. "Micky, I can't deny that I love you. And I know that was real. Gosh, that had to be one of the most real things I've ever felt. But, I can't do this Micky. I can't get myself wanting to be with you even more when I know that I can't."
"But, Adrian…," Micky protested, stepping towards her again.
"I just can't Micky, okay," she said, feeling her throat begin to ache with uncried tears. "If you really loved me you'd understand why you have to go back. Please, don't make it harder for me."
Then, she turned on her heal and ran back into the apartment, leaving Micky alone on the deck, staring up at the cloudy sky.
"Merry Christmas Micky," he said quietly to himself.
The next morning Adriana dressed in her black dress pants and her black turtleneck with flecks of gold in the stitching. Putting her hair up into a clip, she grabbed her purse and got ready to leave.
Stepping out of her room, she was faced with a familiar sight. Just like they had been months earlier, the guys were lined up before. This time,in her kitchen with solemn looks on their faces.
"Well, guys," Adriana said, tears shining in her eyes. "I am not going to cry, I'm not going to cry," she ordered herself silently, as she looked at each of them, "It's weak, you have to stop."
"Well guys," she began again,making an effor to smile, "it's been an adventure."
She made her way to where they stood.
"Davy," she said, looking down at this young man who had changed so much, "I'm going to miss you. You sure have changed."
"I'm going to miss you too Adrian," Davy said. "Can you come down 'ere and give me a hug?"
Adriana laughed. "No problem," she said, bending slightly to hug him.
"Save some for me," Mike said next to Davy.
"Oh, Mike," Adriana said, wrapping her arms around him, "you are such a good friend." A single tear fell from her eyes, landing on his blue plaid shirt. "Thanks for giving me a shoulder to cry on when I needed it."
"Literally," he said, pointing at the mark the tear left on his shoulder after she pulled away. He smiled at her and placed his hand on her shoulder. "You be good, now, you hear?"
"I will, Mike," she said, placing her hand on his.
When Adriana stepped in front of Peter, he held out a small box to her. "This is from all of us," he said with a dimpled grin.
"What is it," she asked, taking the package and opening it to reveal a CD.
"We had Jimmy put this together the other night," Peter explained, "it's the first and only copy of the 'Past Lives' album."
She pressed it closed to her and sighed, "Thank you so much."
"Hey," Peter protested, "where's mine?"
"Oh, you'll get yours," Adriana smiled and gave Peter a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
"I'll always care about you, Adrian," Peter whispered in her ear.
"I appreciate that, Peter," she whispered back, pulling away and tucking her hair behind her ears.
"Goodbye Micky," she said quickly, hugging him fast, never looking him in the eye, and reaching for the door.
The guys noticed the pained look on his face and looked at Adriana, puzzled.
"Jessie and Link will be here in a little bit to take you guys home," she continued on. A horn honked from outside. "There's my taxi to work."
She looked at each of her friends like she had done so many times before, but for the last time.
"I'm going to miss you guys so much," she said.
"We're going to miss you too, kid," Mike said, looking up at the ceiling. Davy was looking at his hands squinting and Peter was already crying. And Micky? Micky just starred at her the whole time. His sad eyes boring into her heart.
"Goodbye," she said quietly, and shut the door behind her.
"Boy, it sure is quiet around here," Adriana thought to herself as she stepped into her empty, dark apartment Christmas Eve afternoon.
She shut the door behind her and walked into the dark living room. Reaching behind a chair, she picked up a plug and placed it into a light socket. The Christmas tree that her and the guys decorated nights before shone brilliantly. Adriana sighed and crossing her arms, she stood and starred at the tree.
"Beautiful," a voice came from the couch.
"Micky," she shouted, turning to look where he was seated. She'd never seen anything so wonderful in her life. There he was, in her living room, on her couch. He wore his white turtleneck sweater and a pair of faded jeans.
"Beautiful," he said again.
"I know," she said, bewildered, "the tree looks great. But, why are you here? Where's everyone else?"
"I wasn't talking about the tree," he grinned impishly.
"You didn't answer my question," Adriana said, folding her arms again and leaning back. She was blushing as well; she wasn't used to being called beautiful.
"Well," he said, getting off the couch and walking towards her, "We started to head back, but when we got there, the guys saw how upset I was. They convinced me to come back here. They're home now, and Link and Jessie took the time machine to Jessie's parents vacation house in Lena, so we can always see them again. And it's not here, so no one will be able to find it. Most of all, I realized that I don't want to be without you."
"Oh, Micky," she said, running across the room and into his waiting arms. He held her close. She could feel his heart beating with hers. Adriana had always wondered what it felt like to be held and wanted, now she knew.
"Wait," he said, breaking the embrace, "I have something for you."
"You do," asked Adriana.
"Here," Micky said after he had retrieved a medium sized box from the couch.
She took the box from him, and after glancing at him quickly, she opened it.
Her knees got weak and she started to wobble.
"Whoa," Micky said, steadying her, "it's okay."
Inside the box was a stuffed animal whale.
"Shamoo," she said softly, picking the toy out of the box. "You remembered," Adriana said, looking at Micky, who was smiling at her.
"How did you find one of these," she asked, stroking the familar stuffed animal."I can't believe you remembred."
"It's amazing what you can do with a little extra time in your hands. Besides, I remember everything you've said," he answered, taking her in his arms once again and hugging her tightly.
"There's one more thing I want to do for you," he said, pulling back and looking at her. "Grab your coat and come on."
Moments later she was standing outside with Micky's gloved hands covering her eyes.
"Micky, it's freezing out here," she giggled. "What's going on…," she stopped.
Taking in a breath she looked all around her. The early moon shone dimly on the lawn that was blanketed with a thin coat of Illinois snow. Christmas lights lit up the lawn even more on the Evergreen trees across the yard. And a soft, drifting snow began to fall.
"What do you think," Micky asked, putting his arms around her from behind.
"It's the perfect night," Adriana answered, tilting her head back to look at him. The two of them just stood there and watched the night begin to unfold around them.
After a little bit, Micky stepped back into the house and brought out a tape player.
"What are you doing," Adriana asked with a curious grin.
"A little moonlit music," he said in his radio voice. Adriana chuckled to herself.
"But seriously," he asked, adjusting the controls on the tape player, "why did you sing that song last night?"
"Because," Adriana said quietly, "it reminded me of you."
"Well," Micky said, stepping over to her and taking her in his arms, "this song reminds me of you."
The first few notes of a familiar song by John Lennon came softly out of the speakers as Micky began to sway her back and forth across the deck.
"For the other half of the sky," Micky said along with John as the song began,"
"What's wrong," Micky asked seriously.
"Nothing," she said, with a smile, pulling him towards her and twirling her fingers in his dark hair. "Absolutely nothing."
A sly smile crept across Micky's face as Adriana pulled him in for a kiss.
"Adrian," Micky said, pulling back from her, catching his breath. Leaning against her, he looked deep into her eyes and said, "I love you."
"I love you too, Micky," she said, kissing his cold, red nose.
"Ahhh," he sighed and said in a goofy manor, "I'm sooooo happy!"
Adriana laughed out loud as Micky twirled her in an embrace.
That night, before Adriana Wilson went to bed, she kneeled on the floor and thanked God for giving her the best Christmas present she could have gotten. Somebody to love.
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