Title: Mr Rapunzel
Author: Danielle
Rating: PG (mild language)
Disclaimer: All characters from the television series 'Stargate SG-1' belong to Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I'm only borrowing them for my personal entertainment, and I promise I'll put them back all nice and proper. I didn't profit from writing this piece, though if someone wants to pay me huge wads of cash for the copyright, I won't argue. All original characters and situations belong to me, but you can use them if you really want to - just mail me first. Also mail me first if you want to archive this somewhere else. Thank you kindly.
Author's notes: I've kinda ripped off some other people's writing styles (Suzie Bagley springs to mind). But I wouldn't do it if I didn't think they were great!

Mr Rapunzel

Right, is everyone ready?

Hang on Sir, I think Daniel's having a problem with his tights.

Thank you for sharing Carter.

You asked.

Captain Carter is correct O'Neill. You did ask if-

Thank you Teal'c, but I'm well aware of what I said. Now, if Daniel's finished preening, we'll proceed.

I wasn't preening. Like Sam said, I had a problem with my… tights. Whoever invented these things should be charged with cruelty.

I'll see what I can do. Now can we get a move on? There's a hockey game on Fox in an hour and I don't want to miss it.

We're right to go now Sir.

Thank you. Now, once upon a time…

Stop!

What is it now?

I've got a wedgie.

Daniel, there is such a thing as too much information!

Yeah, well. You're not the one with the migrating pantyhose.

Please don't go there. Just do whatever you can while I get the first bit over and done with.

Okay.

Right. Once upon a time there was a young couple who lived in a nice third-floor apartment. They'd only been married for a short time, yet the wife was already with child…

Is there anything wrong O'Neill?

'With child'? Puh-lease. That's gotta be the most archaic phrase known to man!

Actually, no it isn't Jack. The oldest common phrase still used is-

Not now Daniel.

Sorry. Keep going.

Where was I? Oh yeah, they'd only been hitched yada-yada-yada. Anyway, from the rear window of their apartment they could look into the garden of the old woman that lived-

*Cough* Sir?

Right, sorry Teal'c. They could look into the garden of the old man who lived in the house next door. For many weeks the wife looked into this garden, her eyes fixed on the most beautiful patch of radishes-

Radishes?!?

Sorry Doc, that's what the book says. Do you want something else? Cabbages perhaps?

Don't get smarmy Colonel or I'll conveniently remember that you're in dire need of a tetanus booster.

*Snort* You can't, I'm the narrator.

Like that'll stop me.

*Sigh* Fine, for many weeks the wife looked at these cabbages and she soon began to yearn for them. She wanted them so much that she slowly began to grow ill. Her husband noticed, but was at a loss as to what he could do.

My wife, I love you with all my soul-

*Snigger*

Is there a problem Colonel O'Neill?

No Sir, general Sir.

Then, if you don't mind…

Go right ahead.

My wife, I love you with all my soul and it hurts me to see you suffer so. How can I relieve you of your suffering?

The wife drew her husband to the back window.

My husband, over that wall and in that garden their lies the finest patch of… cabbages in this world. If I do not partake of them, I will most assuredly die before long.

The husband looked at the cabbages, and then at his wife. If she said that eating the cabbages would halt her illness, then eat them she shall. As evening fell over the town, the husband climbed over the wall stealthily…

Yeeouch!

Sir? Are you okay?

He fell off the wall. I think he might've broken something.

Oh great. Now what do we do?

You could dump the whole idea and let us all go home.

Fat chance Daniel. I'm getting paid to do this, so I'm going to finish it.

You're getting paid? Hey, no fair!

Welcome to the world of show biz. Since Doc Fraiser has to go and plaster General Hammond's wrist, I'll just read that bit, okay?

*Unison* Okay.

Great. Now, the husband climbed over the wall without falling off it, stole one of the cabbages and took it back to his wife. She boiled the little sucker up and ate it with some corned-beef and baby potatoes. However, within a week she was once more pining for another taste of the cabbages - so once again, her husband snuck next door and flogged one.

Good use of the English language there Jack.

What're you going on about?

'Her husband snuck next door.'

Yeah, and?

Jack, there's no such word as 'snuck.'

Yes there is.

No there isn't.

Yes there is! Look, see, right here.

Well whoever wrote this obviously doesn't have a dictionary.

Whoopee for them. Can I keep going now?

O'Neill?

Yes Teal'c?

What are we going to do when we get to my part?

What? Oh, right. Sam and Daniel can say the other lines.

Thank you O'Neill. That will be satisfactory.

Great. Now, the husband was halfway over the wall when he was grabbed by the old man-

You know, that's not politically correct.

I don't really give a shit if it's politically correct or not! I'm just reading what's written!

Still…

Look Carter, if we don't get a move on I'll miss my hockey game and then there'll be hell to pay!!

*Sigh* Okay, keep going.

Thank you. Now, the old bloke grabbed the husband and started belting him around a bit.

Teal'c!! He didn't mean you actually had to do it!

Yes I did.

Then get on with it!! OW!

Maybe I don't want to…

Sir.

Okay, okay. The old man, who was also a witch-

Warlock.

Whatever - forced the husband to agree to give his wife's child over to him in exchange for his life. The husband was so terrified that he immediately agreed and shot over the wall like a bat out of hell.

Oouch!

What is it now?

I fell off the wall. I think I hurt something.

How on Earth did you manage to fall off the wall?

I couldn't see.

What?

My hair got in my eyes.

Which is why we're doing this. Now, a few months later, after a twenty-four hour labour and an epideural, the wife gave birth to a *snigger* beautiful baby boy.

Aw, isn't he just the cutest?

Ha ha. Very funny Sam. Now get rid of this bonnet!

Not so fast sport. Teal'c's big entrance is up next.

Get on with it then.

That very same day, the wi-, sorry, warlock strode in to collect his child.

How am I meant to do this?

Do what?

I'm meant to be the baby and the father.

Oh. Right. You'll just have to be creative then, won't you.

I hate you.

Best news I've heard all day. Now, the warlock snatched the baby from his mother's arms.

Wait! My baby! NURSE!

Oof! *Thud*

Sam, the wife isn't supposed to knock the warlock unconscious.

Oops. I got into the part a little too well.

I'll say. When the warlock finally came to, he reminded the husband of their deal.

In order to save your own sorry life, you promised me this child. Nyah-nyah!

That's not part of the script.

It is now. The warlock took the child and imprisoned it in a high tower out in the boonies.

Boonies?

He means, out in the forest Teal'c.

I see.

Shall we continue? Good. The child, whom the warlock called Rapunzel, grew into a boring git who wore glasses and spouted words a mile long.

Jack!

Oh, and he bumped into things a lot because his hair was so long. The reason his hair was so long is that, when the warlock designed the tower he forgot to put a door in, and the only window was a few hundred feet from the ground. Being too cheap to put in an elevator…

Rapunzel, Rapunzel. Let down your hair!

Not on your life!

Do it Daniel.

No offense to Teal'c, but he's bloody huge! He won't get very far because my hair'll be ripped out of the roots!

He's got a point Sir.

We'll use a rope instead then, shall we? Right. Whenever the warlock said that little ditty, Rapunzel would unwind his rope from its coil and chuck it out the window so that the warlock could climb up.

I think I've got rope burn.

Shut up Daniel. This went on for many years until one day a princess happened to be riding her Harley - Okay, who changed the script?

I'm allergic to horsehair.

And I'm the Lord God Almighty Himself.

Sir, please?

The things I do for you… One day, a princess happened to be riding her Harley Davidson Fatboy through the forest when she overheard a voice singing…

Do I have to?

Yes, Daniel, you have to. It's part of the story.

What do I sing?

A song.

Thanks for your help Jack. Um, let me think... Oh, okay.
The Love Boat/ soon will be making another run/
The Love Boat-

Stop!! Sing something else!

Um. Exit light/ Enter night/
Take my hand/
Off to never-never land!

I didn't know you liked Metallica.

I don't. I heard it on the radio last week.

Oh. Sing something else.

Do I have to?

Yes.

*Sigh* Like a virgin-

Enough. Anyway, the princess with the Harley was so enchanted with the song that she followed the voice until she reached Rapunzel's tower. She walked around the tower, trying to find some way in - but to no avail. Before she could get out her trusty abseiling equipment, the warlock came along to visit his ward.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel. Let down your… rope.

Bombs away!!

Daniel, don't throw the rope on Teal'c's head.

Sorry Teal'c.

Apology accepted Daniel Jackson.

Taking in this fact, the princess came back the next day…

Rapunzel, Rapunzel. Let down your rope.

Without realising that the warlock's voice had suddenly gone all squeaky, Mr. Rapunzel chucked his rope down and waited for his visitor to climb up.

Who the hell- Waagh!

Well done falling over the chair Daniel. Added a real touch of class to the whole scene.

Get bent Jack.

After you.

Sir, your hockey match.

Right. Well, quite understandably, Rapunzel got the fright of his life when he clapped eyes on the princess - given he'd never seen a woman before and didn't exactly know what to do with one. Kinda like someone I know-

Jack!

Anyway, the princess explained how she'd been enchanted by Rapunzel's song.

You sing well.

Thank you Sam. And before they knew it, they'd fallen in love and were planning to run away together. But first, they had to figure out a way to get Rapunzel out of the tower.

I'll climb down the rope.

You're not supposed to have the rope in the first place dorf.

Oh, right, yeah. How am I to get out of the tower?

Beats me.

Why can't you be like Sam, Daniel? She does everything I ask without complaining.

Cram it Jack.

Daniel, get on with it.

May I suggest something princess?

If you've got any ideas, I'm happy to hear them.

Perhaps if you bring me a length of silk every day, I could weave it into a ladder. When it's complete I could climb down and come away with you.

Now, was that too hard?

No. But I still think I should just climb down the rope.

Tough cheddar. So things went on quite swimmingly for a few months, with the princess visiting Rapunzel at times when the warlock wasn't. The whole situation was just dandy until Rapunzel stuffed up and let the plan slip.

Warlock, why is it that you take so long to climb up when it only takes my beloved mere moments before she is with me?

Because Captain Carter is a more adept climber than I am Daniel Jackson.

Teal'c, please stick with the script.

Apologies O'Neill. Why you little hussy, you shall pay for your lies!

And with that, the warlock cast a spell-

O'Neill?

Yeah Teal'c.

I am without the bat gonads that the spell requires.

You what?!?

I require bat's gonads in order to cast the spell, which will put Daniel Jackson into the Desert of Sorrows.

Gross. Don't worry about the bat's nuts Teal'c, we'll just pretend.

As you wish.

Where'd you get a spell from anyway?

The Idiot's Guide to Spell Casting and Havoc Wreaking. Page 666.

I think you've been sucked in there big fella.

Sucked into what?

Never mind. Anyways, the warlock cast his spell and Rapunzel was dumped into the middle of the Desert of Sorrows - minus his hair.

I can see!!

Funny how that there spell also gave your hair blonde streaks. But who's looking? Let's get back to the story.

Suits me down to the ground.

The warlock stayed in the tower and waited for the princess to show up - which she did soon enough.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel. Let down you're rope.

Unfortunately, the princess wasn't exactly on the bright side-

Sir!

-Or else she would've notice that it was a plait made of Rapunzel's hair that was tossed down and not the usual rope.

I resent that.

Tough. We've got five minutes to finish this thing off.

Whatever.

The princess scooted up the hair rope like a rat up a drainpipe only to find the warlock in Rapunzel's place. And the warlock was mightily ticked off.

Here is the hussy!

But, before the warlock could throttle the princess, she lost her grip on the rope and plummeted to the ground.

Aaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *Thud* Ow!

Are you injured Captain Carter?

No Teal'c, this thornbush broke my fall.

Unfortunately, the aforementioned thornbush managed to scratch the princess's eyes and she was rendered blind.

I'll render you unconscious in a few seconds.

Just try me. In this condition, she wandered around the forest for a few years, since she smashed up her Harley when she drove it into a tree in the first week.

Oh, great. Just great. Oof!

There's a tree there.

Thanks for the warning Sir.

Any time. Eventually, the princess heard a voice singing.

Every night in my dreams-

Argh! Anything but Celine Dion!

I happen to like that song!

You would. For god's sake, sing something a normal person would listen to!

Yo! Back up now and give a brother room/
The fuse is lit and I'm about to go boom/
Mercy, mercy, mercy me- Can I stop now?

Not a chance in hell. I've always wanted to hear you rap.

Rap? A golf club around your skull? May I?

Point taken. Anyway, the princess heard a voice singing and recognised it as Rapunzel's. Moving as fast as she could-

Ow! Oh bugger, my toe! *Thump* Where'd that tree come from??

-Given she was smacking into anything and everything, the princess finally found her way out into the Desert of Sorrows. Rapunzel had been there by herself for all that time and she'd gone a bit cuckoo. We're not just talking the gibberish speaking kind of nuts either. Rapunzel was convinced that all women carried a plague that was passed on whenever they talked. He called it stupidity-

Sir!

Jack!

Okay, okay. I'll tell it properly. Rapunzel hadn't gone bonkers or anything interesting like that. He'd just parked it in the desert and that was that. When he spotted his beloved princess he was to overcome with joy that he started bawling like a little sissy-girl.

Just because Rapunzel started crying, that doesn't make him a sissy. He was just in touch with his emotions, unlike some men I know.

Shut it Daniel, or I'll turn you into a frog.

You can't do that!

Says you. I've got this lovely little book in front of me that says I can.

Yeah right.

You asked for it buddy-boy. From henceforth you're a frog.

Riddip!

Sir, change him back.

Fat chance Sam. He just went plummeting over that fine line headfirst.

Change him back colonel, or else I'll bean you with the muffler off my Harley.

You can't hit me if you can't see me.

Teal'c!

Yes Captain Carter?

Grab the colonel and hold him still please.

Okay, you win! Daniel's human again. Happy now?

Yes, thank you.

Jack?

*Sigh* Yes Daniel.

When this is over, remind me to thump you in the nose.

Right-o. While Rapunzel was bawling all over the place a few of his tears happened to splosh into the princesses eyes-

Do you know how many bacteria are in the average teardrop?

I don't particularly care. And she was suddenly able to see again. Whoopee-do. And they lived happily ever after.

What happened to the warlock?

How should I know? Who honestly cares?

I do.

Me as well.

Alright already. The warlock took guitar lessons and got a gig as a back-up player for Willy Nelson. He died at the ripe old age of fifty-six from autoerotic asphyxiation. Happy? Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a hockey game to watch.

Bye Sir!

Bye!

Where is O'Neill going?

A hockey match has just started on Fox.

I understand.

*Silence*

Sam?

Yeah Daniel.

What's autoerotic asphyxiation?