Title: Idol Pleasures
Author: Danielle
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: All characters from the television series ‘Stargate SG-1’ belong to Stargate (II) Productions, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions.I’m only borrowing them for my personal entertainment, and I promise I’ll put them back all nice and proper. I didn’t profit from writing this piece, though if someone wants to pay me huge wads of cash for the copyright, I won’t argue. All original characters and situations belong to me, but you can use them if you really want to - just mail me first. Also mail me first if you want to archive this somewhere else. Thank you kindly.
Summary: Who would've thought that a little hunk of rock could cause so much trouble..?

Idol Pleasures

The little paper aeroplane with its little paper pilot drifted silently on the updrafts created by the body heat in the room before taking a nose dive into an original Sung dynasty artwork.

"Rhya!" Daniel growled, looking up from the artefact that SG-4 had brought back from P2X 826. He fixed an angry gaze on the only other person in his office.

"I'm bored," she complained, shrugging.

"Well, go and be bored somewhere else," he demanded, knocking her boots off his desk. "Here, go and take this to Rothman." He picked up a little stone idol and put it on the desk near her.

"Do I have to?" she all but whined as she stood and picked up the figurine, inspecting it closely.

"Yes."

"But he's a... Well, he's a weenie!" she finised inadequately, unable to come up with a suitable term to describe Daniel's fellow archaeologist.

"Weenie or no, I'm snowed under and can't have a look at that one," he said, turning back to his painting.

"Hey, this is like that shirt I saw. 'I'm just a short guy with a big-'" she started to recite.

"Goodbye!" Daniel interrupted.

"Or maybe it's 'I'm a shy guy...'." She shrugged and glanced at the archaeologist, who was once again engrossed in his artefact. "Hey."

He sighed in exasperation. "What?" he asked, looking up. Without saying a thing, she reached out a hand and wiped something from the corner of his mouth with her thumb.

"Mmm, strawberry," she said, sticking the pad of her thumb in her mouth and tasting whatever it was that she'd removed.

"That's disgusting!" he exclaimed as she scooted out of his office. Finally, he could get some work done without her constant interruptions...

~~~~

"Toodles!" Rhya called as she strode away, tossing the figurine between her right and left hand. She quickly found herself approaching Rothman's lab, where she could see he was hard at work examining... something or other. She tentatively knocked on the doorjamb, since the door was open, and stuck her head around the corner.

"Are you busy?" she asked, praying that he was too busy to do anything about the stone idol.

"Not really," he answered, looking up from what looked like a scroll. "What can I do for you?"

Rhya cursed inwardly as she entered the office. "Daniel wanted you to look at this," she said, producing the figurine. "He's too busy right now so he thought you might have the time..."

"Sure!" he said, nodding eagerly and reaching out a hand for the idol, which she silently handed over. "This looks like Stone Age..." His voice drifted off into silence as he looked up at Rhya, who was gazing right back at him with what could only be described as 'Undress Me' eyes. Before he really knew what was happening, she was on his side of the desk and dragging him out of his chair. His arms slid around her waist as her mouth clamped over his, kissing him passionately. Then his hands drifted lower to cup her buttocks through the material of her standard-issue pants. She moaned and slowly drew him down onto the floor...

~~~~~

Twenty minutes later, a very dishevelled Rhya crashed out of Rothman's office clutching the stone idol in her hand, which she'd unconsciously grabbed from the desk. For a moment she leant back against the wall and took a deep breath, running a hand through her hair. Feeling a little less... wierd, she started walking along the corridor. Rounding a corner, she promptly ran into someone and lost her grip on the figurine, dropping it.

"Ungh!" she cried, watching the little idol fall to the floor, as if in slow motion. She tried to make a dive for it, but luckily whoever she'd bumped into managed to catch it before in hit the concrete. Sighing in relief, she knelt on the floor and plastered a thankful smile onto her face.

"Thank you," she said reaching out to take the figurine. "You have no idea what sort of trouble I would've been in if that thing had broken."

"DanielJackson would have been most upset," the man, who Rhya finally recognised as Teal'c, replied.

"No kidding," she griped. "I'm already in the doghouse with him as it is." She accepted the idol which the Jaffa handed to her and looked up at him.

All she managed to say was "Uh-oh" before his arms were around her and the little stone idol was forgotten...

~~~~~

Less than half a minute after Teal'c and Rhya had relocated to the first storage room they could find, Sam was wandering along the corridor when she spotted the idol lying on the ground. Picking it up, she inspected it.

"Must belong to Daniel," she mused aloud. "Wonder how it got out here." She looked both ways down the hall, shrugged and went to take the figurine back to the archaeologist. Along the way she bumped into Jack.

"Hello sir," she greeted him.

"Carter," he replied in a friendly tone (as opposed to a grumpy one). "What've you got there? It doesn't look like one of your gadgets."

"I found it in the corridor a ways back. It was just lying there," she handed it to her CO, who had a look at it. "I figured it must belong to Daniel."

Even before she finished the sentence, she felt her usual attraction to the colonel shoot through the ceiling. Apparently the same thing happened to him, because he soon crushed her smaller body against his. Ignoring the fact that they were in rather a public place the pair engaged in a pretty passionate pashing session before taking an unconscious lead from their teammates and changing venue to the first room with an unlocked door. On the way there, Jack dropped the idol - mainly because the hand that had been holding it was otherwise occupied...

~~~~~

"What have we here?" General Hammond murmured to himself as he bent down to pick up the stone figure that someone had carelessly dropped in the middle of a corridor. Looking at it closely, he assumed it belonged to Dr Jackson and made a memo himself to give it back after he'd gone to see Dr Fraiser about SG-4. He unconsciously tossed it in the one hand as he made his way to the infirmary and Janet's office. He knocked on the door and entered at the invitation of the doctor, closing the door behind him.

"You wanted to see me doctor?" he asked, standing beside the proferred seat (not sitting because he couldn't stay long - the base didn't run itself, contrary to popular opinion) and putting the idol on the desk.

"Yes, I'd like SG-4 to take a few days on stand-down sir. Now, I know that they're all experienced in combat situations, but I'm afraid that they're a little 'shell-shocked' from being forced to watch one of their own engaged in mortal combat with a Samurai," Janet said as she shuffled some papers and put them into a manilla folder. "It can't have been a pleasant experience for any of them, particularly Llewellyn."

"I don't blame them doctor. I agree with your assessment entirely. Is there anything else?" Hammond enquired.

"Not right now," the doctor replied as she got up to open the door for him. "But there probably will be once SG-15 return."

The general nodded and stepped through the doorway, only to be called back by Fraiser. "Sir, you left this," she said, picking up the figurine that Hammond had left on her desk. "Odd little thing, isn't it?"

"Indeed it is doctor. I was going to return it to Dr Jackson."

Hammond accepted the idol when she handed it to him. As it's cool surface touched the skin of his palm, he felt a heat in his blood that he hadn't felt for quite a few years - since his wife had died in fact. Looking at Janet, he felt some stirrings he definitely hadn't felt for a long while, and he could tell from the look in her eyes that she was feeling just the same thing. Without thinking, he tossed the idol over his shoulder and out the door. He then shut it and drew the blinds...

~~~~~

Nurse Lenny McCoy yelped as she nearly broke her neck after tripping over something lying on the floor next to one of the gurneys she had to move. Kneeling down and looking under it, she spotted the source of her troubles - a little figurine-looking thing lying on the floor. Reaching under the gurney, she grabbed it and pulled it out, scrutinising it in detail. She made a small noise of surprise at the size of a certain appendage of the idol and stood up. Straightening her uniform, she strode into the infirmary proper, expecting to see Daniel Jackson in there looking for his artefact. When he wasn't there, she told one of her fellow nurses that she was going to return the idol to its owner. Her colleague nodded and told her that he'd hold the fort. As she walked down the corridor to Jackson's office, she was nearly knocked over by a running Rhya.

"Whoa!" she cried as this time she did fall on her butt.

"Oh, shit, I'm sorry," the other woman apologised as she held out a hand to help her up. "Ohmigod, you found it!" she exclaimed in joy as she spotted the idol still held in Lenny's hand.

"What, this?" the nurse asked, holding out the figurine to Rhya, who just about snatched it out of her hand. "I didn't see you come into the infirmary."

"Yeah, I-" she didn't get much of a chance to finish the sentence because she was being thoroughly kissed by Lenny, who's hands were wandering everywhere - although Rhya dropping the idol wasn't exactly because of the other woman's interference...

~~~~~

Lieutenant Graham Simmons was searching for General Hammond. From what he'd been told he'd gone to the infirmary to discuss SG-4 with Doctor Fraiser, so that's where Simmons was now heading. However, on the way he accidentally kicked something that was lying on the floor. He bent down and picked it up, surprised to see that it was a stone idol with a rather large...

"Dr Jackson probably dropped it," he thought aloud. "I'll give it to him after I find the general."

Tossing and catching the figurine once, he set off to the infirmary once more. Unfortunately for Daniel, but fortunately for Lt Simmons, on the way there the arm belonging to the hand which was holding the idol accidentally smacked into the arm of one of the few female officers on base - causing him to drop it with a smack onto the floor.

"I'm sorry," the officer, which Graham didn't know beyond the fact that she was in an SG team, said as she picked up the figurine and handed it to him.

"That's okay," he stammered as took it. Straightening up, he looked at the woman, let go of the idol and grabbed her...

~~~~~

Recovered from his encounter with Rhya in the storage room, Teal'c was making his way towards the infirmary when he came across the idol he remembered Rhya carrying lying forgotten on the floor. He scooped it up into his big hands and had a good look at it for the first time, noting the out of proportion appendage. Tilting his head, he decided that it must be the artefact that DanielJackson had decided originated from a Stong Age culture that had once existed on P5X 912, a finding the he was going to investigate at a later date. The Jaffa decided that he must complete Rhya's own errand and return the object to DanielJackson so that he may continue his study of it.

"Hey Teal'c!" Sam called to him happily as she approached his position from down the corridor. She too had had sufficient time to... recover from the tender ministrations she'd received at the hands, and mouth, of Jack O'Neill. "What're you doing?"

"I am returning this artefact to DanielJackson," he stated, showing her the idol he held.

"Oh that thing. I would've given it to him myself, but I was... distracted." She knew she was blushing, but she didn't care. She reached out and laid a finger on the smooth surface of it's head (the one with the brain in it), silently thanking it for the exceptional experience she'd had with her CO. She looked up to grin at Teal'c, who was staring at her with a very hot gaze. Gulping, she felt her blood stirring once again. But, instead of resisting the urges now beating at her brain, she opted for wrapping her arms around Teal'c's neck and dragging his face down so that she could kiss him as only she could...

~~~~~

Jack turned the corner to enter the corridor that lead directly to the locker room. He needed a shower after his... encounter with Sam, and he needed one yesterday. He spotted something lying on the floor and picked it up, surprised to discover that it was the figurine Sam had been holding before they'd... Shrugging, he decided that he'd give it back to Daniel - but only after he'd had his shower...

~~~~~

Seargent Steven Lowry dumped his boots on the seat in the locker room and sat down beside them, preparing to put them on. As he was leaning over to lace his right boot he spotted a little figurine to his left. Straightening, he picked it up and gave it a quick once over.

"Wonder what this is doing here," he wondered to himself. "Probably belongs to that archaeologist. What's his name?" His thoughts were interrupted by a woman entering the locker room. "You haven't seen a little man made out of stone have you? About this big," she asked him, holding her hands about five inches apart.

"You mean this?" Lowry asked her, holding up the idol.

"Oh thank the heavens!" she cried in relief, rushing forward to take it out of his hands. "But how the hell did it get in here?"

Instead of shrugging and saying he didn't know, the seargent instead took back the idol and dropped it back onto the bench - not caring that it rolled off and onto the floor. He was rather busy trying to get her clothes to join his left boot on the bench...

~~~~~

Jack finished tucking his shirt into his pants and picked up the figurine, which someone must've knocked over while he was in the shower because it had dropped onto the floor a few feet away. Without noting the extra mess in the locker room, he strode out the door and towards Daniel's office. On the way, he ran into Janet.

"Hey doc," he greeted her.

"Hello colonel," she said with what looked like a forced smile. "Have you seen Doctor Warner?"

"Nope," he replied with a shake of his head. "Have you seen Daniel?"

"No, why?"

"I wanted to give this back to him. He must've dropped it or something." He showed her the idol, which she took off him.

"This was the one the general had," she said with some surprise at it's having travelled so far. But, instead of wondering how it came to be in Jack's possession, she had this urge to have a go at possessing him...

~~~~~

Daniel was heading towards General Hammond's office when he came across the idol, lying on the floor in the corridor.

"Rhya," he growled to himself as he picked it up and examined it for any damage. He was going to skin her alive she he got his hands on her -that much was certain. Thankfully, the problem of finding her was solved when he spotted her coming around a corner. Unfortunately, he didn't take much notice of her rather mussed appearance - her jacket was buttoned up incorrectly and her short hair looked like it hadn't seen a comb in a few years, despite her efforts to fix it up.

"I thought I told you to take this to Rothman," he raged as he stormed to where she was standing, frozen on the spot.

He grabbed her hand and slapped the idol into it, curling her unresisting fingers around it so that she wouldn't drop it. But drop it she did - not that he was caring all that much...

~~~~~

"DON'T TOUCH THAT!"

Seargent Siler halted in mid-pick up of the figurine he'd just spotted lying on the floor. He turned to find an untidy Dr Jackson and an equally untidy Rhya running towards him.

"What's going on?" he asked, understandably confused at their reaction to him touching the stone idol.

"Just, don't touch it," Jackson told him as Rhya bent down and gingerly picked it up.

"Is there something wrong with it?" he blinked behind his glasses at the way they were behaving around what looked no more dangerous than a small chunk of granite.

"You have no idea!" Rhya replied as she dropped the idol into a plastic bag that Jackson had pulled out of a pants pocket.

"What should we do with it?" Jackson asked her as he sealed the bag.

"Bury the little bugger. At least six feet under," she stated, grabbing his arm and leading him away.

"What the hell?!" Siler murmured to himself as he watched the pair disappear around the corner. Shrugging to himself, he decided not to worry about it and went about his business.

~~~~~

Daniel chuckled as he watched Rhya collapse into the softness of his lounge with a groan of relief.

"Feel better?" he asked as he made his way into the kitchen and turned on the coffee maker.

"Not until I have a long, hot bath with lots of bubbles," he heard her reply. "I'm surprised I can even walk!"

"On that note, how many did you...?" he enquired mildly, sticking his head around the opening and cocking an eyebrow.

"Umm..." She looked up at the ceiling silently - he could almost see the wheels turning in her brain.

"Well?" he asked, trying not to feel shocked at the length of time it was taking for her to tally up her encounters.

"Wait, I'm still counting." She shushed him with a wave of her hand and then began to count off on her fingers.

Daniel gaped at her as she got onto her second lot of ten, then her third lot. "You've got to be joking?" he all but squeaked in shock.

Rhya turned her head and looked at him seriously for a moment before cracking up laughing. "Just kidding," she said through giggles. "Only five, including you. Mind you, one of them was Lenny McCoy."

He choked back on a bubble of laughter. "The nurse? You're joking?"

She turned her head back so that she could look at the ceiling. "Nope. Mind you she-"

"No details!" he yelped, guessing what she was going to say. "Oh God, I wonder who else it affected."

"Half the base, knowing our luck," she suggested. "Gods, I have some serious apologising to do tomorrow."

He poured them both a cup of coffee and took them out into this loungeroom. "I can't believe you and Robert. He'll never be the same again - you made a man out of him."

"Meanie!" she exclaimed, then groaned and shook her head. "I think I'm going to have to disinfect every inch. By Epona's favourite stallion I hope he realises that I still think he's a weenie." She took the mug he offered to him and had a mouthful of the hot liquid. "Even after this."

"Oh, I'm sure he'll get the picture if you tell him it meant nothing," Daniel replied with a grin. "It did mean nothing didn't it?"

"Daniel!" she cried and lobbed a pillow at him.