Disclaimer: All of the characters mentioned in this piece are owned by whoever happens to own them. All I know is that I don't. Please don't sue me, I love me teddybear with the 'I love Wales' shirt too much to hand him over to creditors....

Fanficcing Across The Universe - or, The Worst Of Dan's Totally Sick And Twisted Mind

He slowly entered the locker room, his footsteps echoing eerily in the silence. Well, it was empty except for the person in the shower. The sound of water colliding with tiles reached his ears, the patter playing a tattoo in his mind...

Uh, hello?! A tattoo is body art!

"So how long are you planning on keeping this up?"
"Keeping what up?"

Not a line for the dirty-minded

"Avoiding Daniel."
"As long as I have to."
"You're not going to be able to when we go active again."
"So I'll get Hammond to transfer me. I'm sure he won't mind, what with the extenuating circumstances and all."
"So you're just going to run away."
"What else can I do?"
"Talk to him."
"And say what? 'Hey Danny, old chap. Terribly sorry about bumping off the ball and chain. Care to come over to my pad for a spot of beer and some pizza?' That'd go down real well..."

No kidding. But who's doing the talking?!

"Uh-oh," Daniel whispered and slapped the steering wheel with the palm of his hand.
"Roadblock. Just great," Rhya groaned, running a hand through her hair. "Somehow I don't think the French tourist thing is going to work a second time round..."

But I don't even know French! Geez, what was I on...?

It was the bottom of the fifth and the shortstop had just taken a fly over in right field...

That's enough of that. I might start sounding like I know what I'm talking about

A little bit of Daniel in my life/
A little bit of Teal'c by my side/
A little bit of Simmons' what I need/
A little bit of Bra'tac's what I see/
A little bit of Hammond in the sun/

Ohmigod!! How'd he get in there?! EW! And besides, that's ruining a good song...

"Never fear, I am here. Now the party can begin," Rhya purred...

Okay, now she's a cat in addition to being a violent little sod that practises the lowest form of humour. Can't get any better than that.

Hello,
You don't actually know me from a bar of soap, but I've been on a stakeout across the road. We're finishing up today, and I thought it was time that I finally made contact with you - so to speak. Me and my partner, Angie, were actually meant to be 'observing' the bloke in the flat underneath yours. But, I'm ashamed to say, I got rather bored with the whole operation and, well, my attention wandered somewhat...

Okay, now I'm writing from the POV of a stalker!! Wait, hang on a tic, that's supposed to be Oscar from 'Stingers'!!

Daniel jumped slightly as his office door was flung open and Rhya walked in.

Boring...

Off-world; natives hostile; big fight; Jack hit glancing blow (not enough to kill him) and goes down like a tonne of bricks...

Huh?? Oh, that's a story plan. Shit, better not let that one get out of the bag (along with the cat)!

"Oh Jesus!!!"

Well done, just go and offend all the Christians by blaspheming in the first sentence

Top Ten Things Daniel Jackson is Likely Never to Say
10. Archaeology has only ever been another way to earn a crust...

Hell, I thought I'd thrown all of those lists out! ARGH!

The woman cautiously approached the strange thing that had just come through the portal. With an impatien flick of her hair, she reached out to touch its smooth surface. Behind her, a man said something in a strange language. She scowled and muttered something in an even stranger language - moving her head and pulling a face that suggested that she was mocking him...

Hello... 'Rhyanidd' rewrite #854. I thought I'd lost that one...

"Mrs Winslow's going to feed you while I'm gone, so be nice," Daniel said as he snatched up his car keys from the kitchen table. "And you know where the litter box is."
'Fat chance buster, I'm coming with you' Heulwinn thought, looking up from the toy she'd been playing with for the past half an hour.

Okay, talking cats... Why do I get the feeling this is degenerating beyond a point of no return?

"Trees. How nice," Jack mumbled as he...

Now there's a line that's been done to death...

I Never Wanted To Be An Archaeologist...

Guess what, neither did I? Paleantology, now there's an -ology!

The clouds scudded across the evening sky...

Didn't I use that to open a story I wrote in high school?

BC2023 - Helicases...

That's not even a fanfic...

Oh Tone, I've been grounded.

For what?

For not eating my peas... Oh, I hate peas. I swallow them whole so that I can expel them intact from my bot-bot...

What the...?! Oh, that's Martin/Molloy! Crap, bet I just broke a zillion copyright laws just then... But it was a funny sketch. John Howard never looked so... un-appealing.

The bus driver crunched a down a gear and slowed down to a slow crawl. Daniel sighed and looked out the window at the grey apartment blocks...

O-kay...

"Benny, are you sure this is safe? What if they've got dogs or something?"
"There is a likelihood that there are security dogs Ray, but I doubt that they would be allowed to wander freely," Benny replied.
"It's not the dogs I'm worried about. You can shoot them, but you get put into jail if you shoot a dog-handler..."

Hey, 'Due South'!! Now I know why I never finished it. Can't stand a guy who doesn't like dogs.

5:00 pm.
Well, we've now been stuck in the base for exactly three weeks. Not that I'm counting. Gods, why can't we get the hell out of here? It's only a plague that could wipe out the entire human race...

Hey, what was so bad about that one?

"MacGuuyyyyver. Doo dee doo dee doo doo..."

Oh, hang on. That's what I sing to shit Crazee off.

"Hullo Dinyell, how aar yoo?"
"Ah'm good Sem. Dedn't git mitch slep."

Okay, now I'm writing in New Zealander-ish. I think I need some sleep...